I quit my other blog, and I've been all, "la la la, don't have a blog to write in anymore, la la la." Uh, yeah I do! Sorry, I kind of forgot this one existed for a while. Hee.
Of course, there isn't much to tell here right now, anyway. I've gone completely off the diet for the holiday season, because I have no self control whatsoever when faced with chocolates and holiday goodies. Plus I got a new Kitchen Aid mixer for Christmas (early, from J, and I LOVE it), and I had to have fun with it. So I've made cakes and brownies and cookies galore, and oh yeah, I've eaten them, too.
The only good thing about all of this bad eating is that I'm reaching saturation point when it comes to junk and sugar, and it feels like it might be really easy to start being good again in January. In fact, J is talking about how he needs to start eating better, too, so I think two weeks from today will bring a new vow to go with the new year - no more junk in the house! We'll be eating healthier dinners and I won't be baking cookies and cakes and brownies, and hopefully we'll end the winter slimmer and healthier than we began it.
So, for now - I hope you're having a great holiday season! I certainly am already (I've wanted that mixer ever since I first saw one many, many years ago). I'll talk to you next year, if not before!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Get Thee Away, Temptation
A couple of weeks ago in a fit of weakness, I bought two double sized boxes of Pop-Tarts from the grocery store. Why? Because they were on sale two for $5! So I had to! Sigh.
A couple of weeks later, and those things have been ruining my days this whole week. I start out doing okay - sometimes I even make it to 1:00 or so without messing up! Then I start to get hungry again, and instead of eating the applesauce I have sitting here, I grab a package of frosted cherry or chocolate chip and eat not one, but both Pop-Tarts that it contains.
Each Pop-Tart has at least 200 calories - the chocolate chip one has 220. Oy. Way to ruin a day's food intake, you know?
This morning I came in to work, determined that today was going to be the day I got my act back together. I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast, and not two hours later - more like an hour and a half later, actually, I grabbed one of the remaining packages of chocolate chip Pop-Tarts, and ate not one, but both of them. Ugh! I got so aggravated and annoyed at myself that I threw the two remaining packages in the trash.
My days will no longer be ruined by their high calorie sugariness! Dang it.
A couple of weeks later, and those things have been ruining my days this whole week. I start out doing okay - sometimes I even make it to 1:00 or so without messing up! Then I start to get hungry again, and instead of eating the applesauce I have sitting here, I grab a package of frosted cherry or chocolate chip and eat not one, but both Pop-Tarts that it contains.
Each Pop-Tart has at least 200 calories - the chocolate chip one has 220. Oy. Way to ruin a day's food intake, you know?
This morning I came in to work, determined that today was going to be the day I got my act back together. I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast, and not two hours later - more like an hour and a half later, actually, I grabbed one of the remaining packages of chocolate chip Pop-Tarts, and ate not one, but both of them. Ugh! I got so aggravated and annoyed at myself that I threw the two remaining packages in the trash.
My days will no longer be ruined by their high calorie sugariness! Dang it.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Good Decisions
I've been doing so badly on my diet lately that I feel I have to celebrate every good decision I make (because they are few and far between). So here are two good ones for today:
1. I went into the gas station to pay for some kerosene to bring home for the heater, and before I went to the counter to pay, I walked around the convenience store, fulling intending to get some candy bars and maybe some chips. But I said no to everything, paid for the kerosene and left. I was in SHOCK at myself. Me, saying no to chocolate? Bizarre!
2. I baked some rolls for a treat tonight, and was so close to eating the ones that were left over. But I said no and put them in a sandwich bag and into the fridge.
Two good things in one day? So unlike me! But who knows, maybe it's a sign that I'm finally heading in a better direction with this damn diet again. We'll see.
1. I went into the gas station to pay for some kerosene to bring home for the heater, and before I went to the counter to pay, I walked around the convenience store, fulling intending to get some candy bars and maybe some chips. But I said no to everything, paid for the kerosene and left. I was in SHOCK at myself. Me, saying no to chocolate? Bizarre!
2. I baked some rolls for a treat tonight, and was so close to eating the ones that were left over. But I said no and put them in a sandwich bag and into the fridge.
Two good things in one day? So unlike me! But who knows, maybe it's a sign that I'm finally heading in a better direction with this damn diet again. We'll see.
Monday, November 23, 2009
New Day One Results
I made it through day one! Woo! I did pretty well, too, I think. I ended up with a calorie count of 1492. Not bad!
Of course, the first day of these things is often the easiest, because our willpower is the strongest. Also, J was home with me, and I'm always better when I'm with someone else (closet eater).
I weighed myself this morning, because you know I am apparently unable to stay away from the scale for any length of time. I weighed 211.75 this morning, so I'm up 11.25 pounds from my lowest weight since I started this diet thing. Not good! But I'm turning things around, and I have high hopes for a much lower number by December 22nd.
It still kind of kills me that I could be in the 150s right now, if I had behaved the whole time since I started this. D'oh! Oh well. I can't go back and undo the past, and I obviously have some issues to work out with this whole food thing anyway, and those kinds of things don't happen quickly. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. Right? Right.
On to a great today. :)
Of course, the first day of these things is often the easiest, because our willpower is the strongest. Also, J was home with me, and I'm always better when I'm with someone else (closet eater).
I weighed myself this morning, because you know I am apparently unable to stay away from the scale for any length of time. I weighed 211.75 this morning, so I'm up 11.25 pounds from my lowest weight since I started this diet thing. Not good! But I'm turning things around, and I have high hopes for a much lower number by December 22nd.
It still kind of kills me that I could be in the 150s right now, if I had behaved the whole time since I started this. D'oh! Oh well. I can't go back and undo the past, and I obviously have some issues to work out with this whole food thing anyway, and those kinds of things don't happen quickly. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. Right? Right.
On to a great today. :)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Feeling Like a Failure
I am struggling so much. I don't know what my problem is. I can't seem to get back on track! I promise myself in the morning that I'm going to do better, and then by the afternoon I'm eating all the wrong stuff. I can't seem to stop eating junk food. Today J and I went grocery shopping, and I got two bags of potato chips to take to work for a group lunch thing we're doing on Tuesday. I actually wanted to open one of the bags and eat it, and just take the other bag in. I figured one bag would be enough - there are only 10 of us in the whole office, after all, and there will be plenty of other food there. The only thing that stopped me was J, saying that I needed to keep it for work when I mentioned it to him.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I'm nothing if not predictable
You guessed it, this weekend's bad eating spilled right into Monday. Sigh. It has NOT, however, spilled into today. And you know what? Dieting means a lot of things, but most important for me has been that it means I pick myself up and keep going whenever I stumble and fall. Which sounds super corny, but you get the point.
I've done well so far today, and will continue to do so. And I've decided I'm going to try to be good every day from now until the week of Christmas - and knowing me as I do, I'll end that good streak on that Saturday the 19th, so I have 39 days of being good. Hey, I can do that, easy! I once went 40 days without any kind of chocolate at all, so going 39 days without going over 1550 calories, but with chocolate allowed in small amounts, is a piece of cake. No problem!
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how today went.
I've done well so far today, and will continue to do so. And I've decided I'm going to try to be good every day from now until the week of Christmas - and knowing me as I do, I'll end that good streak on that Saturday the 19th, so I have 39 days of being good. Hey, I can do that, easy! I once went 40 days without any kind of chocolate at all, so going 39 days without going over 1550 calories, but with chocolate allowed in small amounts, is a piece of cake. No problem!
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how today went.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day Three, November 6th
I did well yesterday! I didn't actually eat healthy foods all day, but I did go under 1500 calories, so I'm happy. I ended up at 1495 yesterday.
Of course, today J is away and I'm PMSing and I went to the store and got a Lunchables for lunch (remind me never to do that again - they're not worth the money), and some non-diet type foods may have slipped into my basket as well. Uh, oops. I blame the hormones. Anyway, I don't imagine I'll be posting here with a good update again until Tuesday - apparently I'm taking the weekend off. I'll be back on the wagon Monday, though, don't worry.
Of course, today J is away and I'm PMSing and I went to the store and got a Lunchables for lunch (remind me never to do that again - they're not worth the money), and some non-diet type foods may have slipped into my basket as well. Uh, oops. I blame the hormones. Anyway, I don't imagine I'll be posting here with a good update again until Tuesday - apparently I'm taking the weekend off. I'll be back on the wagon Monday, though, don't worry.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day Two, November 5th
Well, I got through day two without going over, woo! It was harder than day one, I think. I REALLY wanted junk. I was very glad we didn't have any in the house. J came home from visiting his parents with a pocketful of mini Hershey's and Snickers, but I don't like Snickers, and I only ate two of the Hershey's, which I actually had room in my calories for, so that was okay, and it satisfied my craving for junk.
Anyway, I ended up with 1528 - ten calories less than the day before. It's still about 80 calories higher than I'd like to end up once I get used to eating less again, but I'm happy. At least I'm not eating non-stop like I had been.
Now to get through today and make a successful day three!
Anyway, I ended up with 1528 - ten calories less than the day before. It's still about 80 calories higher than I'd like to end up once I get used to eating less again, but I'm happy. At least I'm not eating non-stop like I had been.
Now to get through today and make a successful day three!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day One, November 4th
Look at that, accountability works! Or at least it worked on day one. Yesterday I ate 1538 calories. I came really close to my upper calorie limit, but I did NOT go over, so I deem the day a success. :)
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Accountability
Okay, here's the deal. I've been sucking on this whole dieting thing. It's November 4th already, and I haven't managed to stick to my calorie range at all yet this month. I think I need some accountability. So here's what I'm going to do.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
November
Tomorrow is November 1st, and it's the beginning of a new 30 Days of Denise. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but since I've been binging for a long time now, I know the number can't be good.
But you know what? I don't care. Well, I care. I guess what I should say is I don't care to find out right now. I wrote before about how I kept sabotaging my diet efforts whenever I got close to getting under 200 pounds. Well, writing that entry helped me realize that I was doing that solely out of insecurity. I was afraid that if I lost weight and didn't look the way I did when I met J, that he would leave me. Which was ridiculous and stupid, but insecurities usually are.
And once I realized that's what my subconscious was worrying about, I was able to face the fear and get over it. Still, just to be safe, I'm not going to weigh myself again until at least December 1st.
So this is the start of another month (at least) of being good. I'm going to stick to around 1450 calories each day. I'm going to track my diet on Spark People. I'm going to start exercising again - a little bit at first, and then more as I get used to it again. I'm going to get under 200 pounds before the New Year if it kills me.
So here's to November, another month of being good and exercising some self-control. I'll be writing more often this month, and here's hoping I have all good news!
But you know what? I don't care. Well, I care. I guess what I should say is I don't care to find out right now. I wrote before about how I kept sabotaging my diet efforts whenever I got close to getting under 200 pounds. Well, writing that entry helped me realize that I was doing that solely out of insecurity. I was afraid that if I lost weight and didn't look the way I did when I met J, that he would leave me. Which was ridiculous and stupid, but insecurities usually are.
And once I realized that's what my subconscious was worrying about, I was able to face the fear and get over it. Still, just to be safe, I'm not going to weigh myself again until at least December 1st.
So this is the start of another month (at least) of being good. I'm going to stick to around 1450 calories each day. I'm going to track my diet on Spark People. I'm going to start exercising again - a little bit at first, and then more as I get used to it again. I'm going to get under 200 pounds before the New Year if it kills me.
So here's to November, another month of being good and exercising some self-control. I'll be writing more often this month, and here's hoping I have all good news!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Struggling
There has been over a month of silence here, and there are reasons for that. First, I just went through a while of not feeling like writing online. It happens.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
Monday, September 14, 2009
No More Cheat Days!
At least for the next six weeks.
Yes, it's true - I'm giving up my monthly cheat days. They're just no good for me! I'll still have cheat days for special occasions, but I don't need one each month. I go into them saying that I'll only eat a few extra things, but I won't go totally crazy, but of course once the day comes it turns into an excuse to eat every freaking piece of junk food in sight, and I end up gaining 2 1/2 pounds in one weekend.
Uh, that last part may have happened this weekend. Which is why I've made this decision.
So, for the next six weeks at least (I might take a cheat day for Halloween), I am going to stick to around 1450 calories per day, and we'll see where I am when those six weeks are over.
As for current progress, thanks to the August 31st cheat day, that time of the month, and this last cheat weekend (because yes, my cheat "day" turned into a cheat weekend, because I have no self control), I'm still about 2 1/2 pounds heavier than I was on August 31st. Sigh. Basically, I just wasted two weeks.
No more cheat days, except on special occasions! Here are my cheat days that I'm allowed for the rest of the time I'm dieting:
*October 31st (or November 1st if it works better for J's work schedule), for Halloween
*November 26th for Thanksgiving
*December 25th for Christmas
*A second day for Christmas, to be determined, for when J and I have our own Christmas dinner, with our ham and sides and maybe a Christmas dessert
*February 14th, for Valentine's Day
That should take me to my goal weight, I hope, and I don't think there are any days that count as cheat days in March or April anyway.
So. Six and a half weeks until my next cheat day. I'm looking forward to making some real progress in that time. :)
Yes, it's true - I'm giving up my monthly cheat days. They're just no good for me! I'll still have cheat days for special occasions, but I don't need one each month. I go into them saying that I'll only eat a few extra things, but I won't go totally crazy, but of course once the day comes it turns into an excuse to eat every freaking piece of junk food in sight, and I end up gaining 2 1/2 pounds in one weekend.
Uh, that last part may have happened this weekend. Which is why I've made this decision.
So, for the next six weeks at least (I might take a cheat day for Halloween), I am going to stick to around 1450 calories per day, and we'll see where I am when those six weeks are over.
As for current progress, thanks to the August 31st cheat day, that time of the month, and this last cheat weekend (because yes, my cheat "day" turned into a cheat weekend, because I have no self control), I'm still about 2 1/2 pounds heavier than I was on August 31st. Sigh. Basically, I just wasted two weeks.
No more cheat days, except on special occasions! Here are my cheat days that I'm allowed for the rest of the time I'm dieting:
*October 31st (or November 1st if it works better for J's work schedule), for Halloween
*November 26th for Thanksgiving
*December 25th for Christmas
*A second day for Christmas, to be determined, for when J and I have our own Christmas dinner, with our ham and sides and maybe a Christmas dessert
*February 14th, for Valentine's Day
That should take me to my goal weight, I hope, and I don't think there are any days that count as cheat days in March or April anyway.
So. Six and a half weeks until my next cheat day. I'm looking forward to making some real progress in that time. :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Peril of "Cheat Days"
I think I need to drastically rethink the idea of "cheat days." A cheat day, of course, is the one day per month that I'm allowing myself to eat whatever I want, without recording my calories in sparkpeople. There's only one problem with this concept - I seem incapable of stepping away from the bad food.
Seriously. In one day, I do NOT need to eat some of each of the following: Goldfish, Hint of Lime Tostitos, a giant Hershey's bar, a sampler of Whitman's chocolates (four pieces), brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts, a couple small handfuls of Pringles, homemade macaroni and cheese and mozzarella sticks. That's what I did yesterday, though.
What the heck? A "cheat day" is all well and good, but there needs to be a limit! Seriously, have a little bit extra of a few things, not that many.
So here is my vow for my next cheat day, which is September 13th, I believe. I will have ONE OR TWO extra snacks, plus not worry about whatever I eat for meals. AND THAT IS ALL. I will NOT use the term "cheat day" as an excuse to eat everything under the sun.
And if I go back on that promise to myself, then cheat days will just go away altogether.
And I think the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish have already had their death warrant signed. Once I open those things, I just can't stop eating them, and no one needs to eat a whole bag of those things in one sitting. They just don't. I don't. Good-bye, Flavor Blasted Goldfish. I loved you, but you're just no good for me.
Seriously. In one day, I do NOT need to eat some of each of the following: Goldfish, Hint of Lime Tostitos, a giant Hershey's bar, a sampler of Whitman's chocolates (four pieces), brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts, a couple small handfuls of Pringles, homemade macaroni and cheese and mozzarella sticks. That's what I did yesterday, though.
What the heck? A "cheat day" is all well and good, but there needs to be a limit! Seriously, have a little bit extra of a few things, not that many.
So here is my vow for my next cheat day, which is September 13th, I believe. I will have ONE OR TWO extra snacks, plus not worry about whatever I eat for meals. AND THAT IS ALL. I will NOT use the term "cheat day" as an excuse to eat everything under the sun.
And if I go back on that promise to myself, then cheat days will just go away altogether.
And I think the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish have already had their death warrant signed. Once I open those things, I just can't stop eating them, and no one needs to eat a whole bag of those things in one sitting. They just don't. I don't. Good-bye, Flavor Blasted Goldfish. I loved you, but you're just no good for me.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Progress!
Today was my final weigh-in for August, and it brought great news! I lost 2.75 pounds last week! Woo! Here are my final figures for the whole month:
Weight: lost 11.5 pounds
Waist: lost 2 inches
Chest: lost 1.5 inches
Hips: lost 1.75 inches
Arm: lost .25 inches
Thighs: lost .75 inches
Calves: lost .75 inches
Total inches lost in August: 7
Such great news! Overall I've lost 20.5 pounds, which puts me a quarter of the way to my goal! Woo!
Can you tell I'm happy this morning?
Now, to make a plan for the next month. From here on out, I'm going to weigh-in on Saturdays. I'm going to have one cheat day a month, which will happen every fourth Sunday (except for special occasions, which will be additional). I'll measure myself once a month as well, either every fourth Saturday or on the last day of the month, I haven't decided.
Those details may change as I get into and through the month of September, and figure out what works and doesn't work for me. Above all, I want to keep the weight and inches coming off, so that I can reach my goal by next spring, hopefully. So adjustments may be made, but for now, that's the plan.
Oh, and September has an extra cheat day - the opening day of football season, which I think is two weeks away. J and I always have special treats for that day, then he watches the game, and I play the Sims. :)
Then of course, November will have an extra cheat day for Thanksgiving, December will have one for Christmas, but that should be it for the extra days, I think.
Okay, I'm rambling now. But yay, great weight and measurement news! I love it!
Weight: lost 11.5 pounds
Waist: lost 2 inches
Chest: lost 1.5 inches
Hips: lost 1.75 inches
Arm: lost .25 inches
Thighs: lost .75 inches
Calves: lost .75 inches
Total inches lost in August: 7
Such great news! Overall I've lost 20.5 pounds, which puts me a quarter of the way to my goal! Woo!
Can you tell I'm happy this morning?
Now, to make a plan for the next month. From here on out, I'm going to weigh-in on Saturdays. I'm going to have one cheat day a month, which will happen every fourth Sunday (except for special occasions, which will be additional). I'll measure myself once a month as well, either every fourth Saturday or on the last day of the month, I haven't decided.
Those details may change as I get into and through the month of September, and figure out what works and doesn't work for me. Above all, I want to keep the weight and inches coming off, so that I can reach my goal by next spring, hopefully. So adjustments may be made, but for now, that's the plan.
Oh, and September has an extra cheat day - the opening day of football season, which I think is two weeks away. J and I always have special treats for that day, then he watches the game, and I play the Sims. :)
Then of course, November will have an extra cheat day for Thanksgiving, December will have one for Christmas, but that should be it for the extra days, I think.
Okay, I'm rambling now. But yay, great weight and measurement news! I love it!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hiding behind Fat
This morning I got up and was going through the posts that had accumulated on my Google Reader overnight. There was an entry there from Eliza (Draw the Girl), where she quotes Anne Lamott, which basically says that you can't hide from your fears - you need to face them. Eliza goes on to say that in The Sound of Music, one character was hiding behind school, and another was hiding behind the walls of the convent. And it made me realize something.
I have spent pretty much my whole adult life hiding behind my fat.
Sounds weird, right? But it's true. I was afraid of getting into a real romantic relationship, because of the personal issues that I hadn't faced up to yet, so I packed on the pounds. Men aren't interested in fat women, right? (Well, so society would have us believe - there are plenty of men out there who like women with some meat on their bones, thankfully.) So I ate and didn't exercise, and got fatter and fatter, and it worked! Men, for the most part, stopped acting interested. I had what I wanted - I was being left alone.
Only of course, I didn't really want to be left alone. I wanted someone in my life, to love and share myself with. But until I was ready to have that, I hid behind the fat.
I'm happy to say that I finally faced my relationship fears three years ago this coming October, and I have the love of a great man to show for it. And it seems that I'm also ready now to shed the barriers I had put up to hide behind. I already have J, and I hope to have him in my life for as long as we're both alive, so what need is there to hide?
It feels so good to finally start to let those walls down. The fat was a great insulator until I was ready to face my fears, but its time has passed. I'm shedding it, and stepping away from what used to hide me.
I have spent pretty much my whole adult life hiding behind my fat.
Sounds weird, right? But it's true. I was afraid of getting into a real romantic relationship, because of the personal issues that I hadn't faced up to yet, so I packed on the pounds. Men aren't interested in fat women, right? (Well, so society would have us believe - there are plenty of men out there who like women with some meat on their bones, thankfully.) So I ate and didn't exercise, and got fatter and fatter, and it worked! Men, for the most part, stopped acting interested. I had what I wanted - I was being left alone.
Only of course, I didn't really want to be left alone. I wanted someone in my life, to love and share myself with. But until I was ready to have that, I hid behind the fat.
I'm happy to say that I finally faced my relationship fears three years ago this coming October, and I have the love of a great man to show for it. And it seems that I'm also ready now to shed the barriers I had put up to hide behind. I already have J, and I hope to have him in my life for as long as we're both alive, so what need is there to hide?
It feels so good to finally start to let those walls down. The fat was a great insulator until I was ready to face my fears, but its time has passed. I'm shedding it, and stepping away from what used to hide me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Quarters and Significance
I realized today that when I get to 20 pounds lost, I'll pretty much be 1/4 of the way to my goal. Whoa! That sounds so significant.
Twenty pounds just sounds more significant anyway, doesn't it? I'm at 17 3/4 pounds lost right now, but it sounds like nothing next to 20. It's funny how we perceive these things.
Also, 17 3/4 pounds seemed to be the magic number for having people at work notice. I wrote about the receptionist saying something the other day - yesterday a second person told me I was looking really good. Woo! I love it so much. Of course, two people saying something isn't exactly a floodgate of compliments, but I still love it, and it's a nice bit of validation.
It may be taking me forever to get this weight off, but you know what? It didn't go on overnight, so I knew going in that it wouldn't come off overnight. And I've pretty much stopped counting ahead and trying to figure out when I'll get to goal, or how much I can expect to weigh at Christmas, or whatever. I'm more interested in finding out how much I lose each week. The number each week is kind of small, but you add a bunch of weeks together, and it becomes so significant.
I'm feeling like I'm kind of uncharted territory now, too. The lowest weight I've been in the last ten years or so is roughly two pounds MORE than I weigh right now. So even though I hit my current number at some point on the way up the scale, it's been so long that I can't really remember being there. You know? So every lower number I see on the scale is just that much more exciting.
Weight loss is hard, but it's also kind of fun, in a way. You eat less, you move a bit more, and your body cooperates by slowly taking off the extra fat. It's a great feeling. :)
Twenty pounds just sounds more significant anyway, doesn't it? I'm at 17 3/4 pounds lost right now, but it sounds like nothing next to 20. It's funny how we perceive these things.
Also, 17 3/4 pounds seemed to be the magic number for having people at work notice. I wrote about the receptionist saying something the other day - yesterday a second person told me I was looking really good. Woo! I love it so much. Of course, two people saying something isn't exactly a floodgate of compliments, but I still love it, and it's a nice bit of validation.
It may be taking me forever to get this weight off, but you know what? It didn't go on overnight, so I knew going in that it wouldn't come off overnight. And I've pretty much stopped counting ahead and trying to figure out when I'll get to goal, or how much I can expect to weigh at Christmas, or whatever. I'm more interested in finding out how much I lose each week. The number each week is kind of small, but you add a bunch of weeks together, and it becomes so significant.
I'm feeling like I'm kind of uncharted territory now, too. The lowest weight I've been in the last ten years or so is roughly two pounds MORE than I weigh right now. So even though I hit my current number at some point on the way up the scale, it's been so long that I can't really remember being there. You know? So every lower number I see on the scale is just that much more exciting.
Weight loss is hard, but it's also kind of fun, in a way. You eat less, you move a bit more, and your body cooperates by slowly taking off the extra fat. It's a great feeling. :)
Monday, August 24, 2009
It Finally Happened
I was just replacing some outdated brochures on the front office bulletin board, when the receptionist, who was on the phone, mouthed to me that my pants were getting big on me, and gave me a thumb up.
Woo! She is now officially my favorite person in this whole office.
I wondered when someone at work would say something, and apparently it was when I had lost 17.75 pounds! Ha! I love it so much.
Woo! She is now officially my favorite person in this whole office.
I wondered when someone at work would say something, and apparently it was when I had lost 17.75 pounds! Ha! I love it so much.
Progress Report
Today was weigh-in day, woo! Today I weighed 1.5 pounds less than last week. This is a good thing! So why do I feel disappointed? I'm so tough on myself when it comes to weight loss. I want to lose two pounds a week, not 1.5. And that's a sucky attitude to have, because as long as I'm losing, it's all good.
So I need to quit it and be happy. Really. I'm one and a half pounds closer to goal, woo! Okay, that's better.
So this was a good week, but it could have been better. I said last week that I wanted to get my calories down to 1350-1450, but I still managed to get awfully close to 1550 most of the week. But this week I'm hoping to turn that around. The dining location I go to during the school year opens today, so I'll be able to go down there for lunch, and have healthier options (turkey sandwiches, salads). Which means I'll be able to eat less calories and fat for lunch than I have been, so it should be easier to stick to the range I want to hit this week. I'll tell you how I do next week.
This weekend I started walking, too. Friday was registration day for the incoming college students, so I was working on the other end of campus, and ended up walking the length of the campus a couple of times. A year ago, this would have killed me. This year I felt good doing it. Woo! So on Saturday, I decided that maybe I'll start walking for exercise, while the weather is still nice enough to do so.
Walking! Should be fun. But I didn't want to do it alone - not when I have four dogs living with me. So I looked at the dogs. Rosie would drive me crazy trying to sniff every square inch of road we walked down. Bernie has a bum elbow, that I'd really rather not make worse. Duff has a tumor growing in his chest, pushing on his lungs, so he's out. That left Willow. Willow, my scaredy cat dog, who is afraid of everything, and was apparently so horribly abused in her former life (before I adopted her as an adult from the SPCA) that she thinks bad things are right around every corner. She's afraid of having the leash on her neck, but you know what? We'll try it anyway, I thought.
So I tried to get her outside by herself. She wasn't having any of it. She slipped her collar when I tried to pull her out. So I got the leash and put it on her - and then had to DRAG her out the front door by the leash. Wow.
Once we got out there, though, she did better. She was really fearful and nervous for a short while, but by the time we got to my neighbor's house, she was doing much better, and she ended up having a lot of fun. And so did I! We walked up to the top of the first hill, then we turned around and came home. It was a short walk, but it was exercise, and it felt good.
Well, it felt good until the next day, when my calves started hurting. They're still hurting now, two days later, but that's okay. It's a good kind of pain, and it'll go away.
So. Exercise - started. Willow liked it, I liked it, and as soon as my calves stop being so painful, we'll go again. Weight - a bit more lost. It was a good week, all in all.
Here are my calories for the last week.
Monday: 1526
Tuesday: 1535
Wednesday: 1533
Thursday: 1526
Friday: 1498
Saturday: 1411
Sunday: 1360
See? Too many days hovering between 1525 and 1550. I need to have days like yesterday all week this week.
Okay, enough early morning rambling from me. One more week down! One week from today is my final weigh-in for my 30 day challenge, and I'll also measure next week to see how my body has changed.
So I need to quit it and be happy. Really. I'm one and a half pounds closer to goal, woo! Okay, that's better.
So this was a good week, but it could have been better. I said last week that I wanted to get my calories down to 1350-1450, but I still managed to get awfully close to 1550 most of the week. But this week I'm hoping to turn that around. The dining location I go to during the school year opens today, so I'll be able to go down there for lunch, and have healthier options (turkey sandwiches, salads). Which means I'll be able to eat less calories and fat for lunch than I have been, so it should be easier to stick to the range I want to hit this week. I'll tell you how I do next week.
This weekend I started walking, too. Friday was registration day for the incoming college students, so I was working on the other end of campus, and ended up walking the length of the campus a couple of times. A year ago, this would have killed me. This year I felt good doing it. Woo! So on Saturday, I decided that maybe I'll start walking for exercise, while the weather is still nice enough to do so.
Walking! Should be fun. But I didn't want to do it alone - not when I have four dogs living with me. So I looked at the dogs. Rosie would drive me crazy trying to sniff every square inch of road we walked down. Bernie has a bum elbow, that I'd really rather not make worse. Duff has a tumor growing in his chest, pushing on his lungs, so he's out. That left Willow. Willow, my scaredy cat dog, who is afraid of everything, and was apparently so horribly abused in her former life (before I adopted her as an adult from the SPCA) that she thinks bad things are right around every corner. She's afraid of having the leash on her neck, but you know what? We'll try it anyway, I thought.
So I tried to get her outside by herself. She wasn't having any of it. She slipped her collar when I tried to pull her out. So I got the leash and put it on her - and then had to DRAG her out the front door by the leash. Wow.
Once we got out there, though, she did better. She was really fearful and nervous for a short while, but by the time we got to my neighbor's house, she was doing much better, and she ended up having a lot of fun. And so did I! We walked up to the top of the first hill, then we turned around and came home. It was a short walk, but it was exercise, and it felt good.
Well, it felt good until the next day, when my calves started hurting. They're still hurting now, two days later, but that's okay. It's a good kind of pain, and it'll go away.
So. Exercise - started. Willow liked it, I liked it, and as soon as my calves stop being so painful, we'll go again. Weight - a bit more lost. It was a good week, all in all.
Here are my calories for the last week.
Monday: 1526
Tuesday: 1535
Wednesday: 1533
Thursday: 1526
Friday: 1498
Saturday: 1411
Sunday: 1360
See? Too many days hovering between 1525 and 1550. I need to have days like yesterday all week this week.
Okay, enough early morning rambling from me. One more week down! One week from today is my final weigh-in for my 30 day challenge, and I'll also measure next week to see how my body has changed.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Learning
I've always been a "closet" eater. Not that I ever physically locked myself in a closet to eat, of course - this is a purely metaphorical closet.
I would hide my eating. Not all of it, just what I thought was too much. Eating lunch? No problem, I'll sit there and eat with you and not worry about what you think, no matter what I'm ingesting at the time. Ripping open a bag of chips and a package of cookies and eating half of each of them while watching TV? I'd only do that if I was alone.
So it's no surprise to me that the times I have to be extra careful now are the times when I'm home, but J isn't. If he's there, I'll be good. If he isn't? I'll very likely be in the kitchen over and over again, looking for something to stuff into my face (that is, if I didn't just go to the store on the way home, buy a bag of Goldfish and some peanut butter M&M's, for example, and just open them up and eat them all over the course of the night. Which yes, I've done more than once on nights when he wasn't going to be home).
But now I'm just over halfway through my month of not going over my calorie limit. So that behavior has changed a bit.
Tonight, for instance. J is at work, due to come home at some point, but probably not until I've been home for a few hours alone. I've been out to the kitchen a few times. But so far I'm resisting temptation. Yes, I did eat one thing I shouldn't have, but I stopped there.
Why is tonight different? Is the challenge stopping me? Maybe. But you know what I really think it is? I'm feeling the difference that being good every day, as opposed to four or five days out of seven, can make. I like the feeling. My fatty areas are slowly shrinking. My clothes are getting slightly larger every week. I'm starting to think about wearing size 16 pants, and then 14, and then 12, and then...you get the idea. (And yes, I did just admit that I'm in a size 18 pants right now. I won't tell you my weight yet, but I will tell you that.)
I look in the mirror now, and while I don't yet like what I see, I am no longer repulsed by what I see. My overall shape is about the same, just a tiny bit smaller, so it doesn't seem like my opinion on mirrors should have changed yet, but it's starting to. It's starting to change because I know that I'm changing. I know that I'm doing the work to get smaller. I know that the shape I have now will go away, and that the smaller shape I can see underneath it will emerge.
These positive thoughts make facing that reflection a bit easier.
Now, these 17 days of behaving haven't cured me. If I went off this diet tomorrow, I'd go off big, just like I did in July. But I won't go off it tomorrow. I'm learning too much during this 30 days. I'm starting to like myself again. I don't want that to change.
These 17 days of behaving also haven't cured my need to hide my overeating. But just maybe it has given me the tools to resist the temptation.
For today, at least, this closet overeater is staying out of the kitchen.
I would hide my eating. Not all of it, just what I thought was too much. Eating lunch? No problem, I'll sit there and eat with you and not worry about what you think, no matter what I'm ingesting at the time. Ripping open a bag of chips and a package of cookies and eating half of each of them while watching TV? I'd only do that if I was alone.
So it's no surprise to me that the times I have to be extra careful now are the times when I'm home, but J isn't. If he's there, I'll be good. If he isn't? I'll very likely be in the kitchen over and over again, looking for something to stuff into my face (that is, if I didn't just go to the store on the way home, buy a bag of Goldfish and some peanut butter M&M's, for example, and just open them up and eat them all over the course of the night. Which yes, I've done more than once on nights when he wasn't going to be home).
But now I'm just over halfway through my month of not going over my calorie limit. So that behavior has changed a bit.
Tonight, for instance. J is at work, due to come home at some point, but probably not until I've been home for a few hours alone. I've been out to the kitchen a few times. But so far I'm resisting temptation. Yes, I did eat one thing I shouldn't have, but I stopped there.
Why is tonight different? Is the challenge stopping me? Maybe. But you know what I really think it is? I'm feeling the difference that being good every day, as opposed to four or five days out of seven, can make. I like the feeling. My fatty areas are slowly shrinking. My clothes are getting slightly larger every week. I'm starting to think about wearing size 16 pants, and then 14, and then 12, and then...you get the idea. (And yes, I did just admit that I'm in a size 18 pants right now. I won't tell you my weight yet, but I will tell you that.)
I look in the mirror now, and while I don't yet like what I see, I am no longer repulsed by what I see. My overall shape is about the same, just a tiny bit smaller, so it doesn't seem like my opinion on mirrors should have changed yet, but it's starting to. It's starting to change because I know that I'm changing. I know that I'm doing the work to get smaller. I know that the shape I have now will go away, and that the smaller shape I can see underneath it will emerge.
These positive thoughts make facing that reflection a bit easier.
Now, these 17 days of behaving haven't cured me. If I went off this diet tomorrow, I'd go off big, just like I did in July. But I won't go off it tomorrow. I'm learning too much during this 30 days. I'm starting to like myself again. I don't want that to change.
These 17 days of behaving also haven't cured my need to hide my overeating. But just maybe it has given me the tools to resist the temptation.
For today, at least, this closet overeater is staying out of the kitchen.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Progress
I weighed in this morning, and I'm down 1 1/2 pounds from last week! Woo! I'm very happy with this. I'd like to lose 2 pounds per week, but really, as long as a bit of weight comes off each week, it's a good thing, right?
I have a couple of goals for this week. First, I'd like to get my calories consumed between 1350 and 1450 per day. I like being just a touch under the upper end of my range, if possible, and I've been at the high end more than not so far this month.
Second, I'd like to cut back on my fat consumption just a touch. I've had that number at the upper range more often than not this month, too, mostly because I'm eating lunch at work, never knowing in advance what they're serving, and they don't often have a low fat option that I like. But that's okay - it just means I can't eat a lot of fat the rest of the day. So I need to work on adjusting that better.
Third, I'd like to raise my fiber intake. Sparkpeople says I should be aiming for between 25 and 35 grams per day, and so far this month I've been lucky to hit 15. So I got my Fiber One bars when we got groceries this week, and I'll start eating one each night to help out with that.
I guess that's it - my three goals for this upcoming week.
Also, I feel like I should confess to the fact that I haven't been exercising much at all. It's bad, but it's been so hot lately that I just can't bring myself to come home to a hot house and work up a sweat working out. Blah. So I'm giving myself a little time off from worrying about that. For now I'm working on getting my diet back where it should be and making that a habit - I'll work the exercise back in once I can move without immediately being covered in a film of sweat.
Okay, so here are last week's calories consumed:
Monday, 8/10: 1546
Tuesday, 8/11: 1540
Wednesday, 8/12: 1520
Thursday, 8/13: 1484
Friday, 8/14: 1397
Saturday, 8/15: 1490
Sunday, 8/16: 1382
I can see that I started to get my calories closer to my preferred 1350-1450 range at the end of last week. I'm shooting for in or close to that range all of this week.
Okay, one more week down! I can't wait to report on next week. :)
I have a couple of goals for this week. First, I'd like to get my calories consumed between 1350 and 1450 per day. I like being just a touch under the upper end of my range, if possible, and I've been at the high end more than not so far this month.
Second, I'd like to cut back on my fat consumption just a touch. I've had that number at the upper range more often than not this month, too, mostly because I'm eating lunch at work, never knowing in advance what they're serving, and they don't often have a low fat option that I like. But that's okay - it just means I can't eat a lot of fat the rest of the day. So I need to work on adjusting that better.
Third, I'd like to raise my fiber intake. Sparkpeople says I should be aiming for between 25 and 35 grams per day, and so far this month I've been lucky to hit 15. So I got my Fiber One bars when we got groceries this week, and I'll start eating one each night to help out with that.
I guess that's it - my three goals for this upcoming week.
Also, I feel like I should confess to the fact that I haven't been exercising much at all. It's bad, but it's been so hot lately that I just can't bring myself to come home to a hot house and work up a sweat working out. Blah. So I'm giving myself a little time off from worrying about that. For now I'm working on getting my diet back where it should be and making that a habit - I'll work the exercise back in once I can move without immediately being covered in a film of sweat.
Okay, so here are last week's calories consumed:
Monday, 8/10: 1546
Tuesday, 8/11: 1540
Wednesday, 8/12: 1520
Thursday, 8/13: 1484
Friday, 8/14: 1397
Saturday, 8/15: 1490
Sunday, 8/16: 1382
I can see that I started to get my calories closer to my preferred 1350-1450 range at the end of last week. I'm shooting for in or close to that range all of this week.
Okay, one more week down! I can't wait to report on next week. :)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Ouch
Here's a no shit comment for you: when you haven't worked out much in the last month, doing 10 minutes of Pilates abs exercises will make you SORE.
Less of a no shit comment if you don't do Pilates: your abs will be sore, of course, but so will your thighs. Ouch!
Less of a no shit comment if you don't do Pilates: your abs will be sore, of course, but so will your thighs. Ouch!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Progress!
My first of four official weigh-ins for the month of August was today! So here's the rundown.
I weighed...ha! I'm not going to tell you. But it was 5.75 pounds less than I weighed on August 1st, woo! I'm a happy camper.
As for my eating, I did well, I think! Here are my daily calorie figures (keeping in mind that my calorie range is 1200-1550 per day).
Saturday, August 1st: 1502
Sunday, August 2nd: 1469
Monday, August 3rd: 1543
Tuesday, August 4th: 1498
Wednesday, August 5th: 1450
Thursday, August 6th: 1445
Friday, August 7th: 1535
Saturday, August 8th: 1548
Sunday, August 9th: 1475
I kind of kissed the backside of 1550 on a couple of those days, but I stayed under, so mission accomplished.
One week (plus a couple of days) down, three weeks to go! My reward for doing well this whole month will be the weight lost, of course, plus that cheat day I'm going to give myself on August 31st. Goldfish! Chocolate! Cookies, maybe! Chips, maybe! If it's unhealthy, I'll be eating a ton of it, but just for the one day. Yum.
Okay, first weekly report over. And I'm very happy!
I weighed...ha! I'm not going to tell you. But it was 5.75 pounds less than I weighed on August 1st, woo! I'm a happy camper.
As for my eating, I did well, I think! Here are my daily calorie figures (keeping in mind that my calorie range is 1200-1550 per day).
Saturday, August 1st: 1502
Sunday, August 2nd: 1469
Monday, August 3rd: 1543
Tuesday, August 4th: 1498
Wednesday, August 5th: 1450
Thursday, August 6th: 1445
Friday, August 7th: 1535
Saturday, August 8th: 1548
Sunday, August 9th: 1475
I kind of kissed the backside of 1550 on a couple of those days, but I stayed under, so mission accomplished.
One week (plus a couple of days) down, three weeks to go! My reward for doing well this whole month will be the weight lost, of course, plus that cheat day I'm going to give myself on August 31st. Goldfish! Chocolate! Cookies, maybe! Chips, maybe! If it's unhealthy, I'll be eating a ton of it, but just for the one day. Yum.
Okay, first weekly report over. And I'm very happy!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
"Scaling" Back My Resolution
Okay, I can't handle it anymore - I'm caving. Not on the diet, not on going 30 days without a cheat day; those things aren't bothering me at all, yet. I cannot, however, go a whole month without weighing myself.
I'm going nuts! And I must confess, I've stepped on the scale a few times this week, just to make sure I was weighing less than I did on the day I started. I don't know exactly what I weigh, but I could probably guess within a pound.
So. If I'm not going to be able to make it a month without weighing myself, then maybe I can manage to just weigh myself once a week.
I'll weigh in on Monday (since this challenge ends on a Monday, it seems to make sense), and the three Mondays after that. I don't think I'll be posting my actual weight here yet - I'm not quite that brave - but I'll post how much I lose each week, as well as a total of how much I've lost during the challenge, and a total of how much I've lost overall (actually, I think I'll add that to the sidebar).
I admit it, I'm weak. Somehow, though, I don't think I'm the only scale addict out there. :)
I'm going nuts! And I must confess, I've stepped on the scale a few times this week, just to make sure I was weighing less than I did on the day I started. I don't know exactly what I weigh, but I could probably guess within a pound.
So. If I'm not going to be able to make it a month without weighing myself, then maybe I can manage to just weigh myself once a week.
I'll weigh in on Monday (since this challenge ends on a Monday, it seems to make sense), and the three Mondays after that. I don't think I'll be posting my actual weight here yet - I'm not quite that brave - but I'll post how much I lose each week, as well as a total of how much I've lost during the challenge, and a total of how much I've lost overall (actually, I think I'll add that to the sidebar).
I admit it, I'm weak. Somehow, though, I don't think I'm the only scale addict out there. :)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
That Show Makes Me Hungry
Over the last week or so, I've been watching the Gilmore Girls season five episodes - I bought it with the gift card my friend Sally sent me for my birthday. :)
I like that show a lot, but it is NOT one to watch when you're on a diet. Seriously, those girls are always eating! Anyone in real life who ate that way would weigh 300 pounds. Krispy Kreme donuts (which weren't announced as Krispy Kreme, but I know one of their donuts when I see it), cheeseburgers, fries, desserts of varying description, Pop-Tarts, toaster waffles, sugar doughnuts - you name it, they're eating it.
That show makes me hungry, and not for good food!
But, those things aren't in my diet much right now, so I grab a Skinny Cow chocolate with fudge ice cream cone out of the freezer, and watch in happiness.
Mmm, I don't know how they pack such yumminess into just 150 calories, I really don't. I almost don't want one of those Pop-Tarts at all. Or that cheeseburger. Oh, or those steak fries. (Drooling now.)
I like that show a lot, but it is NOT one to watch when you're on a diet. Seriously, those girls are always eating! Anyone in real life who ate that way would weigh 300 pounds. Krispy Kreme donuts (which weren't announced as Krispy Kreme, but I know one of their donuts when I see it), cheeseburgers, fries, desserts of varying description, Pop-Tarts, toaster waffles, sugar doughnuts - you name it, they're eating it.
That show makes me hungry, and not for good food!
But, those things aren't in my diet much right now, so I grab a Skinny Cow chocolate with fudge ice cream cone out of the freezer, and watch in happiness.
Mmm, I don't know how they pack such yumminess into just 150 calories, I really don't. I almost don't want one of those Pop-Tarts at all. Or that cheeseburger. Oh, or those steak fries. (Drooling now.)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A Fresh Start
I started watching what I eat and actively trying to lose weight in late March - almost April, it was so late. So, I've been doing this for a while. I had been going slow, but progress was being made - I was down 16 pounds!
And then July came. Heh. And with it came my birthday week, vacation, lots of eating out, and not one, but TWO birthday cakes. And all of that led to a total loss of control, and in three short weeks I gained SEVEN pounds. Yes, I am a champion weight gainer. Losing isn't so easy, but gaining is a breeze!
So even though I've been working on this weight loss thing on and off for four months already, it feels like I'm starting it now, with fresh effort. Which I guess I am.
And so far so good! I've stayed in the upper end of my calorie limit, but I've been under 1550 calories each day. I did a ton of cleaning on Saturday, working so hard I wore myself OUT, so there's some physical activity. I'll exercise two more nights this week, and call it good.
And just like I figured, the hardest part of this, for me, is going to be avoiding the scale. I wanted to weigh myself so badly this morning! But I didn't.
I can't wait for August 31st, though, so I can find out how much I've lost in 30 days of being good. :)
And then July came. Heh. And with it came my birthday week, vacation, lots of eating out, and not one, but TWO birthday cakes. And all of that led to a total loss of control, and in three short weeks I gained SEVEN pounds. Yes, I am a champion weight gainer. Losing isn't so easy, but gaining is a breeze!
So even though I've been working on this weight loss thing on and off for four months already, it feels like I'm starting it now, with fresh effort. Which I guess I am.
And so far so good! I've stayed in the upper end of my calorie limit, but I've been under 1550 calories each day. I did a ton of cleaning on Saturday, working so hard I wore myself OUT, so there's some physical activity. I'll exercise two more nights this week, and call it good.
And just like I figured, the hardest part of this, for me, is going to be avoiding the scale. I wanted to weigh myself so badly this morning! But I didn't.
I can't wait for August 31st, though, so I can find out how much I've lost in 30 days of being good. :)
Monday, August 3, 2009
An Introduction
Last week I linked to a challenge that turned out to be just the thing I needed to kick my ass into gear - 30 Days of Blank. The premise was simple - the theory is that it takes 30 days to make a habit. So you sign up to do something every day for 30 days - something you've been wanting to do but just haven't done.
Well, for me the choice was simple: 30 days of dieting. I wrote a little bit about this on my main blog, but I know some people just don't care about diets or talk about diets, so I decided to create a whole new space dedicated just to this subject. And here we are, at 30 Days of Denise!
Oh, that's me - Denise. I'm newly turned 40 years old, and have about 73 pounds to lose as of Saturday morning. I'm engaged to a great guy who I'll call J here. We have four dogs and five cats, and live together in my house in the country. And we both love to eat. But for the next 30 days, that's going to change.
Well, okay, I'll never stop loving to eat, but for the month of August, I'm at least going to be trying to teach myself how to do it in moderation every day.
So, enough introduction, here are my rules:
1. Eat between 1200 and 1550 calories per day.
2. Log my food into sparkpeople's website everyday (this is an awesome site for anyone looking to lose weight - it's all free, they get your information and give you a calorie range to help you obtain your goal, and they give you a nutrition tracker where you can track every bite of food you eat, so you'll know you're eating the right amount. You can also track your exercise, and if you're the social type, you can participate in their message boards to get a ton of support).
3. Exercise at least three times a week. This can mean doing a workout video, it can mean doing yardwork or housework, or just going for a walk or a bike ride, but I have to be active at least three days a week.
4. Weigh and measure myself on day one (done).
5. Weigh and measure myself again on day 31 (but avoid the scale in between).
And that's basically it. I can eat anything I want, as long as I stay in my calorie range. I decided not to weigh myself during the month because I tend to get obsessed with the scale, and it can ruin my motivation. I figure if I manage to behave for 30 days in a row, though, and then step on the scale, I'm bound to see a huge difference, which will make me very happy.
So that's the plan! And if this succeeds, I just might be repeating it month after month, until I get to goal. That should only take 8 or 9 months. Sigh.
Okay, that's a long enough post for now. I'll be stopping in once a week to record my calories for the week, and I'll post every now and then when I feel like talking about my progress.
Wish me luck! It could be a long 30 days.
Well, for me the choice was simple: 30 days of dieting. I wrote a little bit about this on my main blog, but I know some people just don't care about diets or talk about diets, so I decided to create a whole new space dedicated just to this subject. And here we are, at 30 Days of Denise!
Oh, that's me - Denise. I'm newly turned 40 years old, and have about 73 pounds to lose as of Saturday morning. I'm engaged to a great guy who I'll call J here. We have four dogs and five cats, and live together in my house in the country. And we both love to eat. But for the next 30 days, that's going to change.
Well, okay, I'll never stop loving to eat, but for the month of August, I'm at least going to be trying to teach myself how to do it in moderation every day.
So, enough introduction, here are my rules:
1. Eat between 1200 and 1550 calories per day.
2. Log my food into sparkpeople's website everyday (this is an awesome site for anyone looking to lose weight - it's all free, they get your information and give you a calorie range to help you obtain your goal, and they give you a nutrition tracker where you can track every bite of food you eat, so you'll know you're eating the right amount. You can also track your exercise, and if you're the social type, you can participate in their message boards to get a ton of support).
3. Exercise at least three times a week. This can mean doing a workout video, it can mean doing yardwork or housework, or just going for a walk or a bike ride, but I have to be active at least three days a week.
4. Weigh and measure myself on day one (done).
5. Weigh and measure myself again on day 31 (but avoid the scale in between).
And that's basically it. I can eat anything I want, as long as I stay in my calorie range. I decided not to weigh myself during the month because I tend to get obsessed with the scale, and it can ruin my motivation. I figure if I manage to behave for 30 days in a row, though, and then step on the scale, I'm bound to see a huge difference, which will make me very happy.
So that's the plan! And if this succeeds, I just might be repeating it month after month, until I get to goal. That should only take 8 or 9 months. Sigh.
Okay, that's a long enough post for now. I'll be stopping in once a week to record my calories for the week, and I'll post every now and then when I feel like talking about my progress.
Wish me luck! It could be a long 30 days.
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