Happy Holidays!

I'm not likely to get online much tomorrow, so I wanted to just stop in today and post a short note to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you who read this. I hope you have a great holiday and a very happy New Year! I'll be back in January to write about the efforts Jim and I will be making to work on our weight together.

Thanks for reading!

First Stress Over, Tuesday Off to a Great Start!

I had my stress test - and all is well! My heart looked great, and there isn't any abnormality or disease to be making the palpitations happen. Yay!

I tell you what, I knew I was worried about this, but I didn't quite realize how worried I was until the worry left. I feel so relieved now!

So now I'm preparing for my interview, but I think it may be just the way I figured - the stress test went well, and I'm so happy and relieved that I'm not at all worried about the interview. I think I'm prepared for it. If I get it, great, if I don't, it's not a big deal - I'm happy enough where I am. It's not my dream job, but the other job isn't either. So I'm fine either way.

It's nice to be able to go into the interview being all zen about it. :)

Really I just want my vacation to start now! I want to go home, hug Jim and celebrate being healthy. Yay! No heart disease!

The Tuesday from Hell...or Not?

Two pretty important things are happening tomorrow, and the first one is probably going to set the tone for the entire rest of the day.

The first thing, of course, is my stress test. I've tried not to worry about it, but I can't quite help it - I just am so hoping that nothing is wrong to cause these PVCs! I have no idea if I'll find out tomorrow morning or not, but if it seems to go well, it will probably put me in the right frame of mind to have a really good rest of the day. If it doesn't go well, though, the opposite is bound to happen. So here's hoping for a good result.

The second thing is an interview for a different job in my company. I've been in my current job for almost five years, and while there have been times when I've enjoyed it, I've never really loved it, and there have been a lot of times recently when I've downright hated it. So when another position came up that seemed like it might be better suited to me, I applied for it. Having the interview a mere few hours after my stress test, however, may have been foolish. Hopefully that stress test will go so well that I'll be in a great mood and sail through that interview. We'll see!

And then we have our office holiday lunch at Noon, which thankfully we're having catered, so I didn't have to cook anything. And it's a full moon. And the winter solstice. And my period is due. Fun! :D

We'll be a weight loss team. A weight loss machine!

Jim and I were eating too much this weekend, and bemoaning the sizes of our respective bellies, and he said when I was ready to lose mine, he was ready to join me. To which I responded,

"In January. I want some Christmas cookies, goddamn it!"

Hee.

So yes, it's true. I've failed spectacularly at this whole dieting thing on my own, but if Jim is doing it with me, I have a shot at succeeding, I think. So yes, I'll be making cookies over the next week and a half, and I'll enjoy eating them. But once January gets here, it's back on my best behavior, with the help and company of the man I love.

I also made a decision. I had thought about joining Weight Watchers online, or else maybe Jillian Michael's online weight loss plan, but after doing some research, I realized that they don't offer anything that I can't get at Spark People for free, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start fresh there, track my food, track my exercise, and watch my weight go down.

I'm not exercising right now, by the way. I really didn't feel comfortable going to the gym and pushing myself on the elliptical before I know if there is actually anything behind these heart flutters. Hopefully I'll know for sure on Tuesday that my heart is as healthy as the heart of a 41 year old fat woman can be, and then I can get back to it. For now, I drive straight home after work (giving my heart a work out anyway, because driving in all the snow we've been getting is not fun), put on my pajamas and relax. I can't say I'm too sorry about it, either. :)

Heart Monitor Results Are...Sort of In?

I called my doctor's office a few minutes ago, to see if they had the results from the heart monitor thing yet. I didn't talk to the doctor herself - I think the woman on the phone was a nurse? I'm not sure. Maybe not, since she didn't know what some of the words in the report meant. Anyway, she said that they did get the results, and they're scheduling me for a stress test next week.

Okay, I don't really know what any of this means, big picture wise, but here is what she said. My heart is in sinus rhythm, which is good. My average heart rate was 85, which for me is about normal, I think (it's almost always in the 80s when I take it, even years ago when I was younger and much thinner). But there were "frequent PVCs," and they want me to take a stress test, I think to find out if there is a cardiac disease looming, or if the PVCs are just a normal thing that happen sometimes.

And here is where I admit that I totally had to look up the term PVC, and it stands for Premature Ventricular Contraction. Basically, it's exactly what it felt like - my heart sometimes just beats a second time sooner than it should.

It's funny - I wasn't really worried about this at all before. I even forgot to call on Friday to see if they had my results. But now? I'm kind of worried. This isn't fun.

So that's where we are. I have to be at the hospital on Tuesday at 6:45 a.m., which is pretty torturous, since it means I'll have to be up at around 5:00. And I have to walk on a treadmill while electrodes are stuck to my skin. But we'll see what it says. I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks (the gym has been closed because the trainer had surgery, and I've been bad and haven't worked out at home), but when I was still going, my heart never felt weird when working out at all. It doesn't even flutter there, usually. So we'll see.

Oh, and it's only fluttered maybe 1-4 times a day for the last four days. It's been nice, having the flutters slow down and thinking that they may be going away. Now here's hoping that it really is all nothing, and that the stress test will prove that. Because while the web page I read to find out about PVCs said in most cases they meant nothing, it also used the term "sudden death" a few times, and I don't like that term at all. So we're hoping for nothing being wrong, obviously.

Heart Monitor

I went yesterday afternoon and had the monitor put on. I was questioning whether or not I should bother, because of course the very day I was scheduled to do it, my heart only fluttered a few times all morning, and those times were very slight - much less forceful than they had been even the day before.

But of course it was a good thing I went through with it, because my heart fluttered quite a few times last evening and this morning, so it should have recorded a good number of instances.

Having it put on went pretty quickly and easily - at least as much as any medical appointment can. The woman doing it just stuck five electrodes onto me - one on each side, at about the shoulder end of my clavicle, one on each ribcage, under my breasts, and one between my breasts. Then she put tape over the electrodes, to help keep them in place. Simple, easy, and I drove back to work with wires running from my chest to the small monitor, which I tucked into my pocket.

After wearing it for 24 hours, Jim helped me take it off this afternoon, and I'm glad he was here to do it, because taking all that off was fairly painful - like ripping off a Band-Aid that is really stuck on well, for four of them, but the one between my breasts hurt so much more than that! Ouch. But they came off, and now I'm wire free.

I'll take it back on Monday to the doctor's office, and then I'll get results whenever they're ready - I think she said it can take about a week. So I'll let you all know what I find out whenever I hear from them.

I'm a little worried about it, of course, because anything abnormal with the heart is just scary. But I'm not too worried. I'm not having any shortness of breath, no dizziness, no chest pain - just the flutters. I'll just be very happy and grateful if (when) I find out that it's nothing to worry about.

For now, though, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the weekend with Jim. He's off, after working almost non-stop for a couple of weeks, and I had been missing him something awful. But now he's here, and we put up most of the Christmas decorations tonight, and it just looks so nice in here now. So I'll have a nice, wire free rest of the weekend. :)

Weighing In Once Again!

I weighed myself this morning, and I lost a tiny bit more, yay! I'm at 220.5 today. :) That's only a 3/4 pound loss since the last time I weighed in (on October 29th), but it's a 1 1/2 pound loss since Monday, so I'm still happy with myself. November seems to have been a total waste, though. I can't do that with anymore months! Time is running out.

Anyway, I'm happy with this loss. I hope to be down to about 218 by next Friday, which by the way happens to be the 10th - exactly nine months before my wedding! If I'm at 218 on Friday, I'll have nine months left to lose either 83 or 78 pounds, depending on what final weight I end up settling on (135 or 140). It's definitely something that can be done, but there isn't any wiggle room for lost months anymore!

This afternoon I go to get the halter monitor on. I have to get it at 2:30, and I'll be wearing it for 24 hours. Then hopefully next week I'll have some answers as to what the heck is going on!

In which I go to the doctor, maybe for good reason, maybe not, who knows?

So I talked to Jim about the heart flutter thing, and he told me in very different words that a trip to the doctor may be a good idea, and if he had to take me himself on his day off, he would. :)

I called the doctor's office this morning, and got an appointment at 11:30. When I told the doctor what was going on, she said they'd do an EKG in the office. There's only one problem - you have to be laying down and still for the EKG, and this flutter thing only happens when I'm moving around. (This doctor's office doesn't have a stress test set-up.) But I walked up and down the halls and got it fluttering, they hooked up the electrodes and I laid down, and of course my heart was beating all normal by then, so it read normal.

She told me I could go see a cardiologist, or I could get them to set me up with a 24 hour halter monitor. I chose to go with the monitor. I have to go tomorrow at 2:30 to get it hooked up, and apparently I'll keep it on until 2:30 on Saturday (I wonder if I can shower with it on? Or take it off to shower and put it back on?), and then next week they'll read it and tell me if anything is happening when it flutters, or if all is normal.

Also, I know I shouldn't weigh myself everyday, but I tend to when I'm behaving. I was VERY good at home last night. So good! I was proud of myself. And this morning the scale was down a pound, woo! I love when being good pays off. :)

Doing Well

Last night I heated up a TV dinner (Lean Cuisine cheese ravioli), sat down at my desk and started to eat, and then went, "Oops!" Then I got up and went to the dining room and ate at the table. Hee.

But that little slip aside, I've done very well with my new rules so far. I had two snacks at work on Monday afternoon, instead of the one I said I was allowed, but it fit into my calories, so I didn't beat myself up over it.

So far so good! I just wanted to check in to let you know the rules were working so far. :)

I also went to the gym on Monday, after three weeks away (I feel like I should hide after admitting that). I was bad! I decided to take a week off, and then my knee started hurting (it still does a little, by the way, but not as bad), so I took that week off, and then it was Thanksgiving week and the gym was closed two out of the three days I could have gone, and I decided not to go the one day I could have (last Monday).

Ahem. I feel like I'm in confession. I went back on Monday, though, so I'm getting back on track with it!

I do have one concern now, though. Since mid-week last week (about a day or two before Thanksgiving), I have been feeling what I'm calling heart flutters. My heart seems to jump or flip (I know it's not really flipping, but it almost feels like it is), or flutter, sometimes. It doesn't do it when I'm sitting at my desk at work all day, but when I get up and walk around, it does. It doesn't hurt, it just feels funny. I also don't have any lightheadedness, dizziness or shortness of breath, so I don't think anything serious is wrong. Still, it's unsettling, and I'm thinking I need to go back to the doctor. I don't want to, and I can't afford the $20 co-pay right now, but I might have to do it anyway. Oh, and it didn't do it at all when I was on the elliptical on Monday, which I thought was strange (it does when I walk, but not when I am basically running on that thing? Why?).

Does anyone who reads this have experience with this type of thing? If so, I'll take any words of comfort or caution or whatever that you may have to share.

Rules

It's no secret that I've been struggling with this whole weight loss endeavor for a long time. Not much progress is being made, despite the time I've spent writing here, and since I can't afford to start a weight loss program like Weight Watchers right now, I'm kind of on my own. And this is something I should be able to do! Being on my own should not be an issue. But as anyone who is struggling with weight loss knows, doing it alone is not only hard, it can feel impossible.

So I've been thinking about that tonight. My wedding date, that seemed so far away when we set it, is creeping ever closer. What was 13 months away when we set the date is now just, what, 9 1/2 months away? Something like that. I need to lose about 80 to 85 pounds, so that means I have JUST enough time. If I start losing it NOW.

So what can I do to make sure I'm more successful? Well, I did a web search on that, and came up with a page that gave me some great tips - things I already knew, but that I hadn't thought about. The main idea was to set rules on when/where I can eat.

For me, the most obvious rule to set to go along with that is:
1. No eating is allowed at my home desk.

When I'm at home, especially when I'm alone (which is fairly often, given Jim's work situation), I sit at my desk for most of the time that I'm awake. I watch TV, watch stuff online, play my Sims game and, oh yeah, eat. It's easy, it's comfortable, and it needs to stop. So. New rule - no eating at my desk.

I think that's really the only rule I need to make at home. I don't really spend any time sitting on the couch unless Jim is home, and then I don't eat as much junk (I'm half convinced I'd be at my goal weight now if he worked regular hours - or we'd just be snacking together, which is more realistic). So unless I start just moving the food from the desk to other places, this rule is good enough for home.

The problem is, though, what do I do at work? I sit at my desk for most of the time I'm at work, and I'd love to say no eating there. But I need to have an afternoon snack, and I can't really go anywhere else to eat that. So I think these are the rules I need to make for work:

2. Eat breakfast at home before I go to work, if possible.
3. No morning snacks (I eat lunch at 11:30, so morning snacks really aren't necessary).
4. Only ONE afternoon snack allowed. That means one banana, one 100 calorie pack, one granola bar - one thing and that's all. I don't need more than that.
5. No more taking chocolate from the front desk. We have a woman who keeps a supply for the office, and it's all too easy to go grab some, and it's always four or five pieces, not one. So, no more.

These five rules pretty much cover all of the areas where I overeat, so if I follow them, I think they'll help me a lot.

I should probably add a rule about eating out, too, but I only do that with Jim on the weekends, and the stuff I get isn't too horrible, usually, so I'll stick to these rules for now.

My second idea is to work with Jim on this. I'd love for us to weigh each other once a week, and congratulate each other's successes, and help monitor each other's eating. But he's dealing with a lot of stress at work, his hours aren't even close to normal, and right now I know that isn't an option. We'll see what 2011 brings for that.

Anyway, for now I'll follow my rules. And I'll keep checking in here from time to time to let you all know how I'm doing. :)

Update

I'm not weighing myself this week, due to the impending menstrual cycle of doom (I can feel the bloat hitting already), but I did well this week! After going off the rails last week, I hit Monday running! Well, figuratively, anyway. I stayed within my calorie limits Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, yay!

And then Thursday hit, and I did pretty well until evening. Jim was at work, and I ran into that "I'm alone, so I must eat" mentality. I tried to fight it, but I ended up eating some extra 100 calorie packs and granola bars, plus some crackers and a piece of cheese. D'oh! Oh well. I obviously still need to work on that.

I haven't been to the gym this week, though. My knee is still hurting, and I wish it would quit and go back to normal already. I can pretty much keep it under control with Advil, though. Oh, and last night I got out my old step from a Jane Fonda step aerobics video I had in the 90s, and I stepped up on it over and over again while watching TV (my knee twinged a little, but not bad)! That might be worth doing sometimes, because my heart rate actually did go up to my target heart range within about 10 minutes of stepping up and down.

Anyway, I'm keeping on keeping on. :)

Of Knees and Diet Failures

Last week was not a good one in diet land. I'd been messing up with food. I didn't go to the gym on Monday because Jim was home and I wanted to spend time with him, not at the gym (we don't get to spend nearly enough time together). The gym was going to be closed on Friday for some reason. And then I said screw it, I'm taking the week off. So I didn't go to the gym at all last week. I didn't work out at home. I ate whatever I wanted, and that included chips, cookies, McDonald's - a lot of crap.

But today is my time to start over! I'm committed to counting calories every day, and sticking to my range. I'm going to hit the gym every day that it's open, if I can, and if not, and on the days when it's not open, I'll work out at home.

Sounds good! There's only one problem - my knee has been bothering me a little since the end of last week. I didn't do anything to it, as far as I know, it just hurts when I bend it in certain ways. But it wasn't too bad.

Until last night. I went to bed, and it hurt when I moved from my back to my side, and curled my legs up in front of me. Every time I moved toward the end of the night, I woke up in pain from my knee. It doesn't hurt when I walk, but if I bend and lift it, the pain flares.

I don't quite dare workout without getting it checked out, so I called the doctor's office this morning and got an appointment for today. We'll see how it goes!

But while working out may be sidelined if the knee needs to rest, the diet isn't! I'm sick to death of counting calories, but it's the only way I can be sure not to overeat, so Spark People is once again my best online friend. Bah.

And really I'm just sick to death of the whole dieting thing, but you know what? It's how it has to be. I can't stay 221 pounds, I can't keep eating a non-stop diet of crap. Things have to change. And now is the best time! (I'm also sick of writing these "I'm starting over" blog entries, but what can I do? I'll try to make this the last one I write.)

(Besides, my wedding is less than 10 months away now! Those size 8 jeans aren't going to fit if I don't get my act together!)

I'll let you all know how the knee turns out.

One More Thing...

I knew as I was publishing that last post that there was something else I wanted to say, but I couldn't remember what it was. And shame on me, because it was good!

Last night before I went to bed, I decided to try on some shirts that have been too small for me to wear to work. In particular, there was one black shirt that I got from work. It was bought for orientation 2009, and we were supposed to wear it a couple of days during orientation 2010, but I couldn't, because it was too small, and WAY too tight.

Well, last night, that shirt fit again! Woo! I would have worn it today, but I wore one of our work shirts yesterday, and didn't want to wear two in a row. But still, progress, yay! Even if the scale isn't coming down very quickly, at least I do have proof that the exercise is working!

Thanks for the Tips!

Okay, the consensus seems to be - keep the bad food out of the house, idiot. :) That's a good tip! I still have to work on this issue, though. Sure I have Halloween candy now, and that's something that isn't normally there. And it's easy to keep chips and candy out of the house - I don't normally have those things in the house at all. But when I'm in one of those mindless, must eat to fill the void kind of moods, it doesn't really matter what's there, I'll find something to snack on. Crackers, dry cereal, the healthy snacks I buy for work - it'll all find its way down my gaping maw. So I still need to find something to stop me from eating when I'm lonely and bored.

And now that I think about it, the most logical idea seems to be just doing something to stop myself from being bored! Shoot, I need to get working on crafts, anyway. I have a baby blanket to finish (the baby is six months old now! I officially suck as a homemade gift giver, and I'm sorry Sarah). I want to at some point advance my knitting skills and attempt to make socks and a sweater for myself. If I am getting bored watching TV and playing the Sims (the two things I do most often when I'm alone), then I can just, oh I don't know, shut those things off and read a book! Duh.

Anyway. I'll continue to work on that, and thanks for your helpful tips.

Oh, and as for work - I don't really worry about what's brought in to work. The kitchen is at the opposite end of the office from me, and I only go in there twice a day to fill my water bottle. I try to just avoid the counter where the snacks are, telling myself no over and over if it's something I really like, just get my water and go. Once it's out of my sight, I stop thinking about it, and can avoid eating it. It's really just at home that I have problems. :)

A Problem That Needs Fixing

I have a problem that I really need to work on. When I'm at home alone at night, I eat WAY too much.

I know what's happening when I do it. I know that when I go to the kitchen again, or open up that bag of Halloween candy to take out a Kit-Kat again, that I'm not doing those things because I'm hungry. I'm doing them because I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I'm eating to fill a void. I know it's wrong when I'm doing it, but I'm not often strong enough to stop myself.

This is something I have to get control of. Jim works at a job that requires him to be away at night more often than we like. I spend a fair number of evenings alone, and even a fair amount of weekend time alone.

So, when I get lonely and bored and am wishing he were there, but he's not and not going to be, how do I stop myself from heading to the kitchen again? How do I stop myself from eating too much? How do I convince myself that a belly stuffed full of unnecessary calories isn't going to make me any less lonely until Jim comes home to me?

Thankfully, I won't have to figure that out tonight. Jim will be home for the first night all week, yay! I can't wait to see him again (I haven't seen him at all since Sunday night). I definitely need to figure out something for the future, though, and I'll take any advice you have!

Weighing in with Pictures!

I'm just not feeling like myself today. Three of my friends from work seem to feel the say way. I can't quite pin down why - can you?



Hee. :) I've never dressed up this much for Halloween - not as an adult, anyway. It's fun!

Anyway. I weighed in today! My period isn't quite done screwing with me, but I lost a little bit. Today I weighed 221.25, half a pound smaller than I was two weeks ago. It's not much, but I'll take it. If the water weight is still lurking on me the way I think it is, I might show a bigger difference next week. We'll see.

But at least it's progress, so woo!

So I Told My Uterus...

I have been planning on writing here since Friday, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. And then I just got a comment from Deals telling me to UPDATE, UPDATE! So here I am. Poking at me works! :)

I don't have a weight update for you yet, though! Since I am pretty sure all of my readers are female, I believe you'll all understand me when I say the following: my period was due on Wednesday. It hasn't shown up yet, but the PMS and bloating all arrived right on time, a WEEK ago, so yeah. I'm not stepping on the scale right now. Things need to go back to normal first.

(I did step on the scale Friday morning, with it set on my weight from the week before, but it said that wasn't nearly heavy enough, thank you very much, you need to slide that weight over to the right more. And then some more. And then some more again. So I stepped off the scale and told it to go fuck itself. Then I remembered that my period was overdue, so I told my uterus to go fuck itself, too. :)

So, I'm not weighing in, but all is well! Don't you worry. :)

Accountability Works!

I weighed in this morning at 221.75 - three pounds less than last week! Woo! Look at that, being accountable actually works. :)

Confession time, though: I was really only good on Wednesday and Thursday. I spent the weekend (a three day weekend) with Jim, not caring to be good when I was spending time with him and eating delicious burgers two days in a row. And I spent Tuesday eating bad at lunch and then at home after work. But I cleaned it up the last two days, and my body did the rest. And actually, those last two days, the thought of having to report in here is all that kept me from being bad again. Thanks for being out there to watch over me, all four or five of you. Next week I'm shooting to be good at least four out of the seven days. (I'll work up to a whole week of being good, I swear.)

But hey, three pounds down, and I'll take it. My goal for next week is to lose another two or three pounds. I'll let you know if it happens!

Reinstating Weigh-Ins

So, I have come to a conclusion, and I think it's one I've reached on this site before, but sometimes I have to learn things twice (or even more often than that).

I need accountability.

What does this mean? It means I need to start weighing in with someone. And since I'm not going to Weight Watchers or Nutri-System or any paid weight loss program, I'm going to weigh in to you. You can be my watchers, the people I need to not let down every week - the people holding me accountable.

Why have I decided this? Because I've been going to the gym for about two months now. I've felt myself getting a little bit stronger every time. I can feel my muscles tightening up in my abs and my thighs. I have one pair of work pants that feel noticeably looser right under my butt (which feels like a weird place to notice a difference, but I assume it's from doing the elliptical three times a week). But my weight? Hasn't changed nearly enough.

When I started at the gym, my trainer there weighed me at 230 pounds. That was in the afternoon, dressed in gym clothes, so my at home, in the morning, naked weight was probably about 228 or so. That's what I'll figure. My weight this morning? 224 3/4.

A 3 1/4 pound weight loss in two months is NOT ACCEPTABLE! I started this thing with 13 months to go until my wedding BBQ picnic, and now there are only 11 months. Time is slipping by, and I'm not doing the work I need to do to get into those size 8 Levi's (what I want to wear when I get married). So the work (well, the food work) starts now.

I hereby pledge to be here every Friday morning, weighing in. If I don't lose, I'll be honest and tell you if I haven't done well on food. You can feel free to chastise me, and I'll do better the next week. My wedding day is 11 months from Sunday. I can do it, and you can keep me honest and help me get there! :)

Not Much To Share

No entries for a while - I guess I haven't had anything to say. I had an entry idea kicking around in my head a week or two ago, but I didn't have time to work on it. It was about how it seems like I get hot easier now? And I'm not sure if that's a result of starting to workout, or if I'm approaching menopause age (41, not too young), or what. And then the weather cooled down to the 50s, and I stopped getting sweaty just walking around, so that idea isn't even pertinent anymore. :)

Things are coasting along pretty well, I guess. I have been horrible with my food - eating a ton of junk that I don't need. I've kept up the exercising, though. I couldn't go to the gym on Monday, because I forgot to put socks in my gym bag (I thought I would be wearing a pair, but then I wore flats that don't require socks), and I can't workout without socks, eww, gross. But I went home and used our treadmill, which sucks so I only did 11 minutes on it, and then I finished my time on the exercise bike. So at least I did still get my heart rate up and made myself sweat. I need to find my strength for the food, though. The junk has to go.

Really, what I need to do is make myself use the Spark People site again. I haven't been doing that, because I'm so sick of recording every little thing I eat. I might need to just suck it up, though.

I also need to start working out on Tuesdays and Thursdays at home. I haven't done that at all yet. I'm kind of ashamed of myself. (And that is why going to the gym the other three days is so important.)

So that's all the diet and exercise news I have to share, and it's really not much. :) Other than that, life is going fine, I guess. Work isn't being fun, and I really think I missed my calling in life big time. I should be working as a veterinary technician, or at least working in a vet office in some capacity. Animals are my passion - what I'm doing now isn't really even an interest. So that's something to work on changing in the future. For now, though, I feel kind of stuck where I am. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky to have a job. That makes me feel better sometimes (just not on those bad days).

Okay, boring entry over. Now you probably wish I'd stayed silent. :)

Perseverance...And a Cat Story for Sarah

I have two stories for you today. The first is a story of perseverance in the face of exhaustion. The second is a cat story, brought to you by my cat, Zelda, my fiance, Jim, and Sarah's wish for "pictures of the animal-kids." :)

First up, perseverance!

I was tired yesterday. I went to bed a bit late the night before (for me), at about 10:10. I was woken up at 5:00 by Jim tromping down the stairs, and couldn't get back to sleep. You may think that roughly 6 1/2 hours of sleep (figuring I was asleep by 10:30) would be enough - you'd be wrong. I do NOT fare well on less than seven hours of sleep, and frankly I really need a complete eight to be happy and awake all day.

Anyway, I worked all day, and just felt tired and drained the whole time. I left work at 4:00 and went to the gym, and I got on the elliptical. I programmed it for my normal 30 minutes, but then my mind started working. Some of the thoughts that went through my head during the time I spent on the elliptical:

"I should have just done 20 minutes today."

"Okay, I'm 20% done. Unless I only do 20 minutes instead of 30, and then I'm really 30% done."

"I'm 40% done. Unless I only do 20 minutes, and then I'm really 60% done!"

"Okay, I passed 20 minutes. I guess I'm doing the whole 30 minutes now. Sigh."

The updates in my head actually occurred at every 10% interval, but you get the idea. I was tired, it was hard, but I pushed through and did the whole 30 minutes, plus a five minute cool down. Woo! Then I did my resistance training, and then I limped home and barely managed to stay awake until 9:00. I think I was sleeping by 9:15. :)

*****

Okay, now here is the story for Sarah.

This is my cat, Zelda:


Well, it's her face, anyway. :)

My cats all stay inside - there are a lot of dangers in the outside world, and people go tearing down the road in front of my house at 65mph+, and since I have a very large desire to not scrape my dead cats off the side of the road, they stay inside. Well, yesterday Jim had the window open in the living room, because it was a nice day. He came into the room and noticed one of the screens had popped out and was outside - and then he noticed that the reason that screen was popped out was because Zelda must have leaned on it, and fallen outside. She was outside!

As happy as he would have been to just let her go, he loves me more than he dislikes cats, so he chased her around the house for about an hour, until he finally caught her when she ran under the front porch stairs. He grabbed her through the front of the steps and brought her inside.

Silly Zelda. I hugged Jim and thanked him for catching her, and I told Zelda to keep her chubby butt away from my window screens. Here's hoping she listens to me.

Back in the Saddle

I got back to working out on Wednesday. I didn't go full speed on that day, because I was still pretty low energy from being sick, but at least I got there and got it done! Then I went back this afternoon, even though I was wishing to just go home. I'm glad I went, though. I worked out much harder, got my heart rate up about 10-15 beats more per minute, and really felt like I was accomplishing something. I worked up a good sweat, did my resistance training, and then left with that exercise high.

And the best part - while I'm working out, I just KNOW that I'm going to be successful this time. Working out is the key. :)

357 days!

Wedding Countdown!

I woke up this morning dreaming about our wedding next year. I don't remember a lot of details, but I seemed to be stressing about the food - Jim is ordering Dinosaur BBQ, but what about the people who don't like that? Shouldn't we have burgers and hot dogs to cook on the grills, too?

First, isn't it awfully damn early to be stressing about details in a wedding that is going to be about the most low key wedding ever? I mean, damn.

Second, it may be too early to stress about wedding details, especially for a wedding that is going to be very short on "wedding" and longer on "fun," but it is NOT too early to stress about making my weight goal. So I added a handy dandy little timer to my sidebar. It's going to be there to remind me of how fast that wedding date is going to come!

Today is my first day back to the gym after being sick for the last week. It's also my first day back to counting calories on SparkPeople. I was good at working out before I got sick, but I haven't been doing good with food at all! It's time for that to change. This is one weight goal I don't want to miss!

And for further inspiration, I'm posting a before picture! Eek! Jim's Dad took the following picture of me with my new car, shortly after I got it. I'm aiming to be much slimmer than this by 9/10/11! Like, 90 pounds slimmer. :)

Sidelined by the Ick

Not long after I wrote my last post, I started feeling sick, and I'm just now starting to feel good again. I hate being sick!

I think this started out as a small bout of tonsillitis. I'm not sure, since I didn't go to the doctor, but I am prone to tonsillitis because of small craters that I have in my tonsils (I call them tonsil pockets) - spit and small particles of food get stuck in the pockets, and if they don't get rinsed out, they grow bad things. I try to gargle regularly to keep this down, but it still happens.

Anyway, the throat started feeling better, and then I had to go outside to go to lunch last Thursday, and it was wet and cold and just miserable. And then after lunch I had to stand outside having a meeting about signage for a new concession stand. And while I was out there, I felt my chest tightening up, and it was all downhill since then. Friday I started out okay, but got worse and worse as the day went on. Saturday I was okay to start, but felt crappy at the end of the day. Sunday I spent completely in my PJs, and mostly in bed. I slept 14 hours Sunday night! And then yesterday I still felt like crap, so I stayed home and spent the day taking Dayquil (thanks to Jim for getting it for me) and inhaling as much steam as I could while taking a hot shower.

Today I finally feel better, yay! I'm still getting rid of some congestion, but my chest doesn't feel all tight with it anymore, and I no longer have that "sick" feeling. Thank goodness!

Of course, with all this illness over the last week, my exercising has been completely sidelined. I haven't worked out since the 3rd! I just didn't think it was a good idea to go workout when I felt so bad that just walking across the house could tire me out. :) But I'll be going back tomorrow.

I'm glad to be going back, too. My wedding is less than a year away now! It was a year from last Friday, so I'm counting down now. I have 361 days, and that's plenty of time to lose what I want to lose, but only if I do the work! And the work resumes tomorrow. :)

The State Fair Killed Me

I've been working out for three weeks at this point. Apparently, though, when you're as overweight as I am, three weeks isn't enough to make you able to walk around the New York State Fair for 3 1/2 or 4 hours without drastic consequences.

So yeah, Jim and I went to the State Fair on Sunday. We got there early (before the crowds). We walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And sat and watched a draft horse competition (how they get six horses to work in unison on something so difficult is beyond me). And walked some more. And more. And more walking yet. We also ate inappropriate things, including one thing you can only find at a state fair - deep fried Twix bars, anyone? (My verdict - I would have rather skipped the batter and deep frying, and just eaten the Twix bar in its normal form, and I won't be repeating the experience.) But mostly we walked.

We left the fair and went to the mall for even more walking, but we were only there 45 minutes or so, I'd guess. Then we went to his parents' house and sat, and then we went home. By the time we got home, we were both wiped OUT. I actually took pillows and laid down on one of the futons and just didn't move again. When Jim got up, I asked him to bring me a blanket (it was chilly that day). He did. And then I finally did move, but only to the bedroom to watch a show on the DVR while laying in bed. I was crashed out.

I woke up yesterday feeling okay - sore, but not too bad. And then I moved the lawn. I have just over an acre, and on my riding mower it takes about an hour and a half to mow. When I got off after I finished the lawn, I was hobbling. My legs were SO SORE! Advil helped, but when they wore off, the pain came right back.

So yeah, apparently three weeks of working out does not prepare you for walking your legs off at the state fair, at least not if you're as overweight as I am. :) Lesson learned. Next year, though, that fair will be my bitch.

Also, I had that bone tired feeling after working out on Friday night, and I have it again right now (after walking halfway across campus and back once, and then all the way across and back at lunchtime). I'm wondering if my iron is low - I always have to have my blood tested twice when I donate blood, because my iron levels are low. I've only been turned away from donating for it once, but really, I should be on an iron supplement, I think. And iron gives you energy, right? Maybe I should talk to my doctor about that, hmm. In the meantime, I think I need to find iron rich foods that I can choke down without too much gagging. Any suggestions? (And yes, I do take a multi-vitamin, but apparently it doesn't give me enough iron. I should look at the vitamin aisle at Walmart - can you buy iron supplements? I bet you can. Maybe I'll get some next time I'm at the store.)

Enjoying Working Out? Me?

I haven't written in a while, but that's not out of any fear of relating bad news - I've actually been doing really well!

I'm on my third week of going to the gym three times a week, and it's going really well! I actually don't mind going, and the hour that I'm there seems to go by really quickly. I've been using the elliptical more than the treadmill - I like it a lot better. This week I added 10 minutes to the time I spend on it, so I'm up to 30 minutes at 120-130 strides per minute (I think it's per minute - it must be!), although the last couple of times I've done it, I've actually climbed up to about 134 strides. I work up a really good sweat while I'm on the machine. Yesterday by the time I was done I just wanted to go into the locker room and splash cold water on my face. I didn't, though, I just went over and did my weights.

The weights are starting to get a little easier, too. My arms were extremely weak going into this program, but they're slowly getting stronger. I could start doing two sets of 15 reps soon for most of them - all but the triceps. The strength in my triceps when I started must have been non-existent, because those are still HARD! I do 15 reps, and for the rest of the arm weights, I can do that without pausing, but on the triceps I'm resting and wishing for it to end by the time I'm on number eight. So hard! But they're slowly catching up to the rest of my arms, I guess.

The gym hours are changing starting next week, so going on Tuesdays and Thursdays won't be an option for me (they're closing at 3, and I don't get out of work until 4). I think I'm just about ready to add cardio to those two days, so since I can't do it there, I'll be having to do it at home. That's okay, though, because I have a few options there. I have our treadmill, which I hate but will do if I have to, I have Jim's exercise bike, and I finally bought the DVD of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I haven't worked out to it yet, but it's there for me. Maybe I'll try it out next Tuesday. If I do, I'll let you know how it is.

Anyway, so yeah - I'm actually enjoying the gym thing. Who knew? Change is possible after 40! :)

The Treadmill Makes Me Walk Drunk

I worked out after work yesterday, then went home and relaxed for the rest of the night. I was in bed with the light off by 10:15, and asleep shortly after. And yet 6:00 this morning felt SO EARLY. Seriously, this bone tiredness after working out needs to go away! :)

I did feel that good feeling when I was done again, though. It's just so satisfying! I hadn't worked out since last Wednesday for various reasons - on Friday I was at work until 5:00 putting together my new desk, which got me all hot and sweaty, and I needed to get home to take care of the dogs once I was finally done - they'd been alone since 7:10 that morning. Monday the gym was closed because the trainer was off. Tuesday I felt like crap and stayed home from work, and basically laid around the house all day (I wasn't really too sick - my period was gearing up, and I was headachy and dizzy for most of the day - the dizziness is what kept me home, really).

But I went last night. I did 27 minutes on the treadmill (a 2 minute warm-up to get used to the treadmill, a 20 minute walk at the faster speed and higher incline, and a five minute cool down), then I did the weights. I think I'm just about ready to start doing two sets of weights, instead of just one - well, for all except my triceps. My triceps are WEAK! :) And I'm going to go tonight to do the treadmill, and then again tomorrow to do both the treadmill and weights.

Oh, and anyone else who uses a treadmill - do you ever get that feeling when you get off that it's like you're still on it? You know, like when you're on a boat for a while and you get off, and your body kind of expects the rolling movement of the ship even when you're on solid ground? Well, I get that feeling BIG TIME when I get off the treadmill. It seriously takes me a few minutes to be able to walk a straight line again. What the heck is that all about? I swear my water bottle actually contains water, not vodka or something! :P

Day Two Done!

For the first two days after I worked out Monday night, my calves were ANGRY. Tight, sore, making me hobble when I first got up from bed or after sitting for a few minutes. Ouch! :) I'm also feeling very tired after my work outs (and even this morning, after working out last night, I didn't want to get up for work because it felt like I needed to sleep longer). But I know that will all go away with time, as my body adjusts.

Last night's work out when very well, though! I decided to try the treadmill, to see if I liked it any better than the one I have at home. Well, when I first got on, I didn't think I would. I didn't like the feeling of having to go so fast so that it wouldn't dump me on the floor behind it. But once I got used to it, it was okay, and I definitely worked much harder than I did Monday night on the elliptical. My heart rate went up to the maximum he said we should shoot for - going between 150 and 155.

I did my whole 20 minutes on it, plus a five minute cool down, and then the trainer took me through the weight routine again. A few more times, and I'll have that routine down, I think. Oh, and I think I'm going to ask if I can do a two minute warm-up in addition to the cool down. I think it would be nice to be able to get used to the treadmill before it starts trying to dump me off the back. :)

I asked my boss today when she got back from vacation if I could keep my summer hours of 7:30 - 4:00 going all year, so that I can start working out at 4:00 instead of 4:30 (we usually switch to 8-4:30 when students are here). As it is, I'm getting there at about 4:05 and not leaving until 5:10 - I don't want that to turn into 5:40 (or 6:00 when my cardio time goes up). Luckily, she said yes, yay! It's nice to have that half an hour extra at home in the evening. Plus when winter gets here (all too soon), maybe I'll be able to get home when I can still see through the snow.

Oh,and he showed me some stretches for my calves, so they're not hurting as much today. :)

Here's a question I thought of when I got done working out yesterday, though. I felt GREAT when I left. Why can I never remember that feeling when I think about exercising and don't want to?

Gym!

I have completed my first night of working out! Woo!

I left work at 4:00 and went over there, and then changed into my workout clothes and went into the gym. I knew some of what to expect, based on the sheet he gave me on Friday, but it was nice to go through it for the first time and really start getting the routine in my head.

First he took my blood pressure and resting heart rate. My heart rate was 88, and my blood pressure was 128 over 86, I think. Then he gave me this thing to put on that monitors heart rate, and we went over to the elliptical machine. He showed me that the monitor I was wearing syncs up with the machine, so my heart rate was displayed on it (cool). He said we wanted my heart rate to get between 132 and 153 (I think). I got into the 140s and stayed there, so I guess that was good.

I did my 20 minutes, at a fairly light resistance, but then it's my first day. I was dripping sweat when I was done, though, so it definitely was a workout.

Then I had a five minute cool down on the elliptical, which brought my heart rate down to about 120, and then we went to the weight machines. He showed me how to set the weights (I need to wear my contacts while I workout, though - I don't like wearing my glasses when I'm getting all sweaty, and things are just slightly blurry without them), and then I did a lot of arm work - my arms are sore this morning. And I did some reverse crunches, and some leg things on the floor, and then he showed me how to stretch out the muscles I had worked, he took my heart rate and blood pressure (heart rate just over 100, blood pressure the same as when I started). And I was done!

So, yay! Now I know exactly what to expect. He'll make things harder on me as my body gets more used to it, and I'll have to increase the length of time I spend on cardio work and increase the number of repetitions I do on weight work, but I can get through this, no problem.

I have just under 13 months until I get married - I'll be in such good shape by then! I'm so glad I'm doing this program. :)

One Minute To Go

One minute until I clock out and go to the gym! Woo! I'm excited. And nervous. And happy. Mostly excited and happy.

I'll write more tomorrow about how it went!

My Workout Plan

I got my workout plan! There isn't anything too surprising in it, really. Here's what it says.

First there is a lot of stuff about heart rate max (HRM), resting heart rate (RHR) and heart rate reserve (HRR). I'm not sure what the first and last thing mean, but they give numbers for them all. My HRM is 195 beats per minute (BPM), my RHR is 90 BPM and my HRR is 105 BPM. I don't know what all of that means, but I'm sure I'll have it explained to me on Monday.

Then there is a formula for lower level training zone, and one for upper level training zone, and formulas equal math which equals me zoning out immediately. Zzzzz. :)

But then it says that my training heart range is 132-153 BPM, which I understand. And then is our goals.

"Our goal is to have you do 30-45 minutes of cardio and eventually progressing to 60-90 minutes. I suggest you do this 5-7 times a week." He did say that I may start out only doing 20 minutes, and working my way up from there - did I mention I'm so out of shape I'm basically starting at ground zero here? They have a lot of treadmills there, but I'm hoping to be able to use the elliptical more - I've used one of those once, and I liked it much better than a treadmill.

Exercises that can be done for my cardio, according to this sheet: elliptical (yes!), treadmill (or walking or jogging outside), bicycle, aerobic stepping, dancing, swimming. Of those I like the elliptical, I don't mind walking outside, I love to ride bike (although it's very difficult here because of hills) and I love swimming. But my pool is out of commission and staying that way, so it's not an option. And because of the hills and my bad state of cardio health right now, the bike isn't an option this year, either. I'll pick that up in the spring.

And then there's resistance training (weight machines). My legs are already pretty strong (woo! at least one part of me is), so we're focusing more on my upper body than lower body. I'll be doing 8-10 repetitions for 2-3 sets in the following exercises:

Chest press: 50 pounds
Lat pull-down: 50 pounds
Tricep press: 26 pounds
Bicep curl: 26 pounds
Kick backs: 8 pound dumbbells
Reverse curls: 8 pound dumbbells
Sitting crunch: 26 pounds

I'm not sure what some of those exercises are, but he'll walk me through them all on Monday, so I'll be finding out pretty quickly.

And then there is a cool down to stretch all major muscles that were used. I'm to hold my stretches for a minimum of 15 seconds.

Chest stretch
Tricep stretch
Quad stretch
Hamstring stretch
Shoulder/back stretch

I'm only going to be working out at the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, because he does the orientations on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think if he doesn't have any of those scheduled we can work out then, but those days will be the exception, rather than the rule. So he put on the paper that he wants me doing cardio in my target heart range for 30-45 minutes at home. I can either go for walks or I can do videos (I'll do videos - I want to buy Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred, and before I get that there are videos I can do on Netflix's watch instantly part of their site - I love Netflix).

He also gave me a list of exercises I can do for resistance training at home:

Chair squats
Modified push-ups
Knee ups
Trunk lifts
Crunches

And there we are! That's my workout plan. I have to say, now that the orientation is over, and the stress test has come and gone, I'm kind of looking forward to getting started.

Oh, and he didn't give me any diet plan to follow or anything, but I'm planning on just tracking my food in Spark People, and I'm going to try to stick to around 1350 or 1400 calories. That's the mid-point of the range they give me for weight loss, and combined with the exercise I'll be doing, it should be sufficient for me to drop some weight. I hope. :)

Two more days of sloth-dom, and then the fun begins!

Stabbity

Work is making me very annoyed and stabbity today, and I wish it were 4:00 so I could get out of here already. Nothing is going right AT ALL. GAH!

I'll be going down to the Wellness Center after work to pick up my workout routine. Then I can spend the weekend thinking about how much it's going to kill me dead Monday afternoon. :)

My neck hurts. Because of my work chair. Which is part of the stabbiness of today.

That is all.

I Survived!

I survived! Well of course, you all knew I would. I knew I would, too, really, but that doesn't mean I was looking forward to the experience.

So I left work just before 4:00 and drove across campus to the Wellness Center. I walked in, feeling that lazy, scared part of my brain yelling to "run away! Danger, danger, run!" But I ignored it. I went in and met the trainer, then went into the locker room (very clean - I was impressed) and changed into my workout clothes. And then the fun began.

We started with a weight and height (I'm still 5'3", and my weight was 230 so yeah, all that junk food I've been eating has given me the expected weight gain). Then he took me over to this nifty little machine that I had to stand on barefooted, and it gave my body fat percentage somehow. I have no idea how it works, but it was cool. I was expecting calipers and fat pinching, but this was much less mortifying. The number was as horrible as I'd feared, though - my body is currently 44% fat. Eek! Wow, it's a good thing I'm starting this program.

Then he took measurements - biceps, waist, hips, thighs and calves. I don't know what the numbers were, so I think I'll take my own measurements and use those for this record. After that we went to the area where the treadmill is that is used for the stress test. I had to take off my shirt (I was wearing a sports bra, though, so didn't feel at all naked), and he attached electrodes to me. He took my blood pressure. He monitored my heart at a resting rate. And then I stood on the treadmill and he gave me this apparatus that I had to put in my mouth, so that the machines could monitor my breathing and gases and all that. (That thing sucks, by the way.) And then the fun began! The treadmill started at a nice walk, and went up from there. I made it to the middle of the third stage and then I had to have him stop it. I am so out of shape! It's really scary. (And another good reason to be grateful I'm starting this program.)

After I had gotten my heart rate down to normal and sat drinking some water and cooling off for a few minutes, he unhooked me from all the electrodes, and I was able to put my shirt back on, and we went to test my strength.

I have no upper body strength. I knew that, though. My legs, though, are pretty strong! At least, since I don't work out, I was happy with how they performed. I was able to do 10 of one kind of exercise, 12 of another (with the weights set at 115), and on the machine that works your thighs and butt, I was able to lift 290 pounds six times. At least part of me is strong!

Once the strength tests were over, he tested my flexibility (I'm not very flexible), and I was done. Woo!

He had three of those orientations to do yesterday, so he said he would have my workout plan for me on Friday, and I could spend some time studying it and start working out on Monday. I have to admit - I was a little relieved to have the rest of the week off, instead of having to start working out today. :)

So that was it! Whew! Thanks for giving me encouragement in the comments - I feel like those of you who read and comment will help me keep going when all of this exercising gets underway and I get tired of doing it. So, thanks. :)

Edited because: I had the trainer send me the measurements he took of me last night, and I just got them in my e-mail. I'll post them in the sidebar. I figured that was easier than trying to take my own.

Nervous

Today is the day! I didn't expect to write in here this morning, but I got up so nervous about today that I just find myself needing to.

I don't know why I'm nervous. I'm a little afraid of finding out exactly how bad my numbers are - weight, fat percentage, measurements, all of it. I'm a little nervous about being in a gym environment, because I've never really gone to a gym before - I've always worked out to videos in the privacy of my own home. So a fear of the unknown is here, for sure. But I've been told it's a very non-judgmental place, so I don't have to be afraid of people watching me with derision in their eyes.

Above all of it, though, I think there might be some trepidation because now I have to find out if I can really do this. It feels like this is the time where I'll really be giving it my all, and what if I don't succeed?

But that's not a good attitude, and the thing is, I know I can lose weight successfully - I've done it before. It's just that I was almost 20 years younger then. :P I lost 40 pounds when I was in 22, and kept most of that off until I was in my late 20s, then life got rougher, and the weight crept back on.

So yes, I can do this! I don't have to be this size for the rest of my life, I don't have to develop heart disease and diabetes like my Mom did, and I can live a long, healthy life.

Okay, pep talk over. Thanks for listening! I'll be back tomorrow with news of how tonight went!

Back on the Horse

I started keeping track of my food on Spark People again. I stopped doing it all those months ago because I just couldn't bear to have to account for every single piece of food I put into my mouth anymore. I had done it for so long with no real results, that I had gotten completely fed up with it all. So I quit. Well, now I'm back to it, and it feels oddly good - I guess I took just enough time off.

And of course I'm starting to count calories again today because I have my stress test/orientation at the Wellness Center tomorrow afternoon. Woo! This is both a good thing and a very scary thing, but mostly I just feel excited to finally get this underway, and to finally feel like the tools to losing this weight once and for all are in my grasp. Time will tell, but I feel like this is something I can succeed at. I'll have a trainer pushing me, I'll have coworkers working out with me, I can't just decide I don't want to and stop. It's a good thing.

I even had a talk with my body this morning, while I was in the shower. :) I told it I was going to start eating less and eating better again, and that I was going to start working out 3-5 days a week (I think I can do three days a week at the Wellness Center, so I plan on working out at home the other two days, so that I'm getting cardio exercise five days a week - the weights I'll just do at the Wellness Center on Monday, Wednesday and Friday), and that I needed it to do its part by burning off its fat and building up its muscle, including my heart. I need that to be healthy and strong, so I can live a really long time.

Oh, and J and I finally set a wedding date! We're getting married September 10, 2011 (so, 9/10/11, which has to be one of the best wedding dates ever). Spark People's website estimated I should be at my goal weight of 140 (although I might shoot for 135 - we'll see how I feel when I get close) in June of 2011, so by the time I get married, I should be at goal and loving my body again! It's very exciting.

I don't know if I'll post in here tomorrow when I'm done with the stress test or not. It's scheduled to run 4:00-6:00, and I'm not too good at doing online stuff at home, so I may not write again until Wednesday morning. But either way, the next time I write, I'll be telling how it went and giving my scary, oh so frightening beginning numbers.

See you then!

Orientation/Stress Test Date!

It took a long time, and I felt like I had to jump through a million hoops to get here, but I finally got my doctor to sign the forms for me to join the Wellness Center at work - I go to her office this afternoon to pick them up. I contacted the trainer, and the first appointment he had open for the orientation/stress test appointment was August 10th. So two weeks from this afternoon, I'll be there for two hours, getting my fat, flexibility and strength measured, as well as having my cardiovascular health tested. Fun! Or not, but it's the next hurdle, and the last one before I'll be able to start working out regularly.

So now I'm feeling an odd mix of emotions. I'm a little scared of the first visit - the words "stress test" are a bit scary for a fat, out of shape girl. And it'll be very embarrassing to have my fat measured. Blah. But on the other hand, I'm looking forward to starting to be more active and losing this fat. I want to be in better shape! Thankfully, for now the part of me that is looking forward to being in better shape is outweighing the part that is scared of that first visit (and of the work of exercising).

I'm thinking I'll post my numbers here when I start, and then again whenever he takes new measurements. I'm going to hate those first numbers, but I can't wait to see them go down!

I got the results of the blood test I had taken for this, too. First the good news: I'm not diabetic! My glucose was normal. My mother was diabetic, so this is always a very real fear for me.

Now the bad news: my cholesterol wasn't as good as my glucose! My total number was 222, my HDL is 47, my LDL is 150 and my triglycerides are 125. So my good cholesterol is too low, my bad cholesterol is too high and my triglycerides are somehow normal. I'm not sure how that is. (I looked online for what normal ranges were, because I had no idea.)

Two more weeks! Then I'll be in here complaining about how sore I am. :)

There Will Be Blood...but First, Lots of Water

Just a short update to say the idea of joining the Wellness Center is becoming a reality! I just finally managed to get an appointment with the doctor's office this morning to get my blood drawn. My veins are hard to find, so I drank 24 ounces of water between 6:30 and 7:15 this morning. By the time I got to the doctor's office my bladder was about to burst, but they got my blood, so all is well!

Now I just have to wait for the blood test results, and for my doctor to sign the papers and get them back to me. At this point I'm figuring it'll be August before I get started, but it is coming!

New Plan

Long time no write, huh? I haven't been in here lately because nothing has changed. I didn't stick with my June challenge for even a day. I've roller skated, but that's ending, because we have things going on in July that will mean we can't use the gym. I'm eating whatever the heck I want. Nothing is changing.

But there is hope. Since I'm realizing that I just can't do this on my own, I'm thinking that in July I'm going to sign up for the wellness center here at work. My workplace reimburses us for half of the money for joining as long as we workout for at least an hour a week, and this place is ridiculously cheap anyway.

Here's how it works. I sign up for a stress test and orientation, which will cost me $25. I'll get evaluated by a trainer, and he'll show me what I need to work on and we'll talk about what my goals are. Then he comes up with a workout plan for me. For this stress test, I have to have clearance from my doctor, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Then, for the first couple of weeks or so he sticks with me while I workout, showing me how to use the various machines and proper form and all that. After that I workout on my own, but he's always around, apparently.

After that initial stress test, it's a ridiculously low fee of $15 a month. So cheap! And once I get half of that back, I'm only paying $7.50 to workout with a personal trainer for a month! Crazy, but true.

So I'm signing up starting in July. I'm hoping to arrange the stress test for either July 6th or 13th (he does them on Tuesdays), and then I would like to workout an hour a day, three or four days a week. They have you work on cardio and also with weights, so it'll be a great all over workout. I'll tell you more about it in July as I get started.

I hate working out, but I like having hope that I will actually start to change myself soon. :)

30 Days of June

Today is June 2nd! I should have written yesterday, because I thought yesterday morning that I should do a 30 day challenge in June, since it has exactly 30 days, and the month started on the first day back to work after the Memorial Day weekend, so it just seemed fitting. But I wasn't sure.

I got here yesterday, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to being good for the month. But you know what? If I won't commit to making myself healthier, who will? So here I am.

This month I am challenging myself to do the following:

1. Not overeat
2. Avoid the chocolate here at work
3. Roller skate at least three days a week (four is preferable)
4. Start doing the 30 Day Shred on non-roller skating days, once I get it (which won't be until the middle of the month)

That's it, but it's basically everything I need to do. I'm not counting calories, I'm not putting any foods off-limits. Even chocolate isn't off-limits, except for that bowl of it up front, because once I go up there, I don't just leave with one piece, I leave with five or six or eight, and that's way too much. But if I pick up a candy bar at the grocery store and eat it, that's fine, as long as I don't eat too much overall that day.

Also, I'm going to start watching Losing it with Jillian, because in watching the first 10 minutes of watching the premiere online, I got the motivation to actually do this challenge this month. If I watch it every week, then hopefully I'll have fresh motivation every week, just as I'm starting to give up.

Here's to a good June, and a slightly healthier July!

Good News!

I have so much good news to share today!

First, I exercised Monday, which you already know. Tuesday I planned on doing a video, but when I got home I went out and mowed the entire lawn (we had snow over the weekend, so I couldn't do it then), and by the time I was done, I was too tired to exercise, but since I had done the lawn (I have just over an acre), I didn't mind much. Last night, though, since the lawn was done, I did a half-hour video, and felt great after. Sore, but great.

As for my food, I've done pretty well! I ate too much on Tuesday, but I've been good the other days. And this morning I felt like stepping on the scale, so I did, and I'm down three pounds already this week! Woo! That made me so happy, and gave me the incentive to keep working for the rest of the week. I'd love to end with five or six pounds off this week. I know I can't expect that normally, but in the first week? I may be able to manage it. We'll see. :)

Oh, and I was just online, and Bob Seger is planning on touring this fall! Which has nothing to do with my diet, but I love Bob Seger, and he doesn't tour much. Oh how I hope we can see him! I hope he does a date somewhere close to here. Come to Central New York, Bob! (He tends to stick to the Michigan area when he does live dates. He's from there, so it makes sense, but I don't know if I can get there to see him, so I have my fingers crossed for him to come closer.)

Okay, that's all of my good news for the day. I'll let you know how my week wraps up.

What is this exercising that you speak of?

So, you know what I did last night? I got home after work, took care of the animals, put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt, plopped my laptop down on top of my TV because there is a perfect open, carpeted area in front of the TV, and I logged into my Netflix account, selected a workout DVD that I could do through their "watch instantly" feature, and then I worked out! For half an hour! This is unprecedented in my recent life, so go me!

I did a Pilates video, which was great strength training, especially for my thighs and calves. It really didn't do anything for my cardio, though, so I've chosen a different DVD for tonight, one that will get me moving around and get my heart rate up.

Exercising! Me! Weird.

I ate a bit more than I had planned yesterday, but I didn't go crazy or anything, so I'm not worried about it. I think I still did fairly well.

It kind of feels good to get my body moving again. Remind me of that later this week, when I'm sore and don't want to do it, okay? :)

Eight Weeks

Apparently after that seeing that horrible before picture (that's what I'm calling it in my mind), I needed one more piece of motivation to kick my ass into gear, and that motivation came in the mail on Friday. Jim and I have been invited to my nephew's wedding on July 3rd.

And okay, I'm a vain person. Weddings mean dressing up, they mean pictures being taken, and damn it for once I do NOT want to actively spend the wedding avoiding camera lenses and thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how much I hate my body. So obviously, this is my call to action.

I'm not using the dreaded "D" word. I avoid that. I hate those, they don't go well. I'm not doing that word ever again. I am, however, following a simple plan, which is this: eat four servings of fruits and veggies a day, cut out the junk food, try to eat a healthy dinner of a lean meat, with rice, and always have a glass of milk with dinner (for the calcium, plus I love it anyway).

Sounds simple enough, right? I'm also going to get my butt more active. Exercising is vital! I want to work out for at least 30 minutes a day, at least four days a week. Once final exams are over (they're going on this week), I'll be roller skating in the gym four or five days a week and then doing strength exercises for my arms and abs. For this week, I'll be doing videos on Netflix's website.

One more piece of the puzzle - lots of water! I usually get about six cups a day - I'm upping that to at least eight, but more is better.

That's my simple plan, and it started today. I'll let you know how it goes.

Picture After Effects

I hate to say that I was kind of down all weekend because of that picture, but it's kind of true. I mean, I didn't spend the whole weekend hiding from the world, crying my eyes out or anything. I spent some time with Jim when he was home, I laughed, I watched TV, I read my book, I did housework, I mowed the lawn, I petted and hugged on our dogs and cats. It was all pretty normal. But in the background, underneath all the normal, the thought of that picture kept popping up in my mind. I felt fatter than normal. I felt the exact opposite of sexy (and so grateful that Jim doesn't agree with that, and in fact finds me very sexy).

But throughout the weekend, while I was going about my normal business with that picture always in the back of my mind, I starting thinking that this might be the thing I needed to help me turn this all around. You know how they say people have to "hit rock bottom" before they can start to help themselves? Was this my rock bottom?

I don't know. I have learned not to make proclamations on this blog, or even in my own head. I can come on here and exclaim that I'm never going to overeat again, that I'm going to exercise five days a week, and it sounds great, but the truth is, I will overeat again, and I won't exercise five days a week every week. But I feel like I may be facing a turning point. The only question is, will I make changes? Or will I let the image of that picture fade from my mind, and go back to that more comfortable self-image that I was carrying around prior to Friday?

I guess only time will tell. But I will say that I didn't overeat yesterday. In fact, I didn't snack at all until after dinner, when I had a small amount of barbecue chips (small as in I didn't sit there and eat the rest of the bag), a fudgsicle and a Smart Cow ice cream cone. That was probably one snack too many, but it was effing hot out there yesterday. I wanted that ice cream cone last night.

I'm also trying to make some changes to my eating habits today. This morning I'm just not snacking between breakfast and lunch. That's no problem. The hard part will be this afternoon - I always want to snack more in the afternoon.

But even if I do manage to stop snacking all the time, I still maintain that I will NOT count calories anymore. I will NOT deny myself foods. For instance, when I have my turkey sandwich for lunch today, I'll be having chips with it, instead of forcing myself to eat carrot sticks (I've tried and tried, but I just don't like carrots). I can still have the stuff I like - I just don't have to eat so freaking MUCH of it. You know?

Anyway. I'm holding onto that picture. I won't post it here right now, but if I actually manage to lose weight this year, maybe I'll post it later, as a "before" picture to go with a much smaller "after" picture. We'll see.

Truthfully, I just want to feel comfortable with my body again. I want to not hate the way I look. I want to feel like I can go places without having to hide all extra flesh. I want to be able to look at my pictures and my reflection in a mirror without hating what I see. Why is that so hard to achieve? Why are so many of my inner demons based on food?

Okay, it's time to end this entry now. I didn't get enough sleep last night (too hot), and I'm rambling and sounding more depressed than I really am (mostly, I'm just tired).

The Truth is in the Picture

I have always hated having my picture taken. No matter my current weight or style, I never like the way I look in pictures (although the distance of some years can make me quite fond of those same pictures I hated when they were new). So imagine my joy when I had to pose for a picture at work today - a full body picture, showing all of my bad, bulgy parts.

The picture is for a workplace safety slideshow that our intern is putting together. The pictures were taken with my camera, so when we were done, I had no choice but to see that picture of myself, as I got them all on my computer and then on the intern's flash drive.

I.am.FAT. Oh man. There is a reason I avoid full length mirrors and pictures of myself. It's because they tell the truth. When I avoid them, I can live in denial, and enjoy a self-image that is much smaller.

And of course, I had to think that if I had just stuck with my diet last year, I would be at my goal weight right now, and I would have been nice and svelte in a pair of size 8 pants and a medium top (instead of my current 18 and extra large).

While that may be true, I'm willing to bet I would still have hated the picture. :D

My eating is still not under control. I did, however, roller skate two days this week - Tuesday and Wednesday - for about 45 minutes the first day, and almost an hour the second. Even with stops, that's pretty good, and I worked up a good sweat both days. I'm very happy that we're going to be doing this all summer (I'm thinking four days a week, when the gym is free, which it mostly will be). At least maybe I can be in better physical health by the end of the summer.

And who knows, maybe I'll get my eating under control, too. Maybe I won't hate the image cameras and mirrors show me quite as much by the end of 2010. We'll see!

Roller Girl

My friend Jamie and I had planned to skate on Tuesday and Wednesday this week - Tuesday didn't work out because an event was scheduled in the gym, but Wednesday worked fine! So at 4:45 or so I was sitting in the gym, blowing the dust and pet hair off my sad, neglected roller skates, slipping them on and tying them up.

Here are a couple of things I had forgotten about roller skating:

1. It requires your body to do actual work!
2. That work makes you breathe hard!
3. That work also makes your legs hurt like mad!

But what I didn't forget about roller skating is: it's mad amounts of fun. We need to find some way of having music in there while we're doing it, but it was a lot of fun skating around with Jamie (and his brother, once he got there to join us). I can't wait to do it again.

When I got home last night, I was exhausted and my legs were sore. But I'm so glad we decided to do it! This is exercise that I can happily do every day and never dread it. Once the semester is over and the students go home (four weeks from now), we'll be able to do it every day if we want. Yay! I love roller skating!

Roller Skating Fools

Sorry for the absence in here. I haven't really had anything good to say, so I've stayed away. I've been eating crazy - it's not under control at all. I can feel my weight coming back on. I haven't weighed myself, and I'm not looking to any time soon, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm almost back to where I was last year when I first went on the diet that had me eventually lose 20 pounds. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself.

But! If I can't get my food under control quite yet, at least I can start exercising. And my friend Jamie and I are going to start having some FUN exercise. Two days a week, to start, we're going to strap on our roller skates and skate around the gym at work. :) We'll do it after work, after the students are done with their classes (there are classrooms under the gym). Once the semester is over, we may do it more often, but for now they have things scheduled in there so much that two days a week is pretty much all we can fit in.

So, yay! Fun exercise, coming up. I'll bring my yoga pants in to wear when doing it, so I won't be in my work clothes. And I love roller skating - it's the most fun.

I'm also planning on ordering the 30 Day Shred DVD. I think I'll have enough money to order it this week, but I haven't figured out my budget yet. It might have to wait until next payday. But I'll get it, and I'll start doing that eventually, too.

And the food will get back under control soon, I'm sure. It has to!

Am I Hungry? Really?

It finally happened - I got sick of eating junk food almost non-stop! Woo! So today I started trying to just listen to my body's cues for when it needs food. It's so confusing in the beginning, though! I really think I don't know how to interpret my body's cues very well.

For instance: I went to lunch at 11:30, and had a 5" turkey and cheese sub, with a single serving bag of Fritos. Now, barely an hour after I finished eating, my stomach is rumbling? That doesn't seem right. I'm ignoring it for now. If it gets really insistent and I start thinking, "I'm hungry" involuntarily (I do that), then I'll eat something.

Still. I hope if I can keep this up, that my body and my head will end up in sync at some point!

Update of Sorts

It's been a bit quiet in here lately, huh? Yeah, I guess I haven't had much to report. When I was reading that book about how to stop emotional eating (whatever the name of it was), the author mentioned that when she stopped trying to "diet," she went through a couple of weeks where she just ate whatever she wanted, letting herself have all of the foods she had made forbidden for so long. For her, that translated into eating chocolate chip cookies pretty much morning, Noon and night. When I started saying I wasn't going to diet anymore, I thought I wouldn't need to do what she had done. Uh, I was wrong.

So yeah, I've been eating a TON of crap. Chocolate chip cookies, Pop-Tarts, candy bars, Cadbury Mini Eggs (only available at Easter, and oh so delicious), and pretty much anything else that I love but never let myself have when I was trying to stick to a diet. I'm not sure when this is going to end. I think I'm just about ready to start listening to my body and eating when it needs me to. And I think I'm going to try doing the 30-Day Shred in April. I just have to decide if I'm going to get it from Netflix, or if I'm going to buy it. I'll check out how much it costs on Amazon, and decide. Then I have to decide if I'm going to get up early and do it in the morning, or if I'm going to try to do it at night when I come home from work. Earlier is better, I think.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also, I was supposed to have my cyst cut out of my head this last Friday. I left work early, went home and changed into a non-work shirt in case I bled a lot, and Jim took me to the doctor's office. I walk in the door and tell the receptionist person who I am, and she says, "Oh, didn't you get my message?" Ugh. The doctor was out sick, so they canceled on me AGAIN. She supposedly called the day before and left a message, but I didn't have a message from them, so I'm thinking they called the wrong number, and told some random stranger that my appointment was canceled. Oh well. So Jim and I left and went to lunch together. :) My appointment is rescheduled for Friday, March 19th. Maybe I'll actually get rid of the cyst then!

As for the food, I'll let you know when I seem to be ready to stop ingesting chocolate and other junk, and get to work on that new approach to eating that I'm supposed to have going. :P

I Hereby Vow To Avoid the Crisp (Cookie Crisp, That Is)

So. I can't expect to be perfect on day one of really trying to follow my three simple rules, right?

Right?

I didn't think so. Which must be why I went home after work yesterday, got my chicken ready to put in the oven, and then while it was baking, I got the Cookie Crisp cereal out of the cupboard and ate a LOT of it. Dry. Straight out of the box.

Then I ate some rice while my chicken was still cooking. Then I ate my chicken. Then I MADE CHOCOLATE DROP COOKIE DOUGH AND MADE COOKIES. Yes, I did. At 8:30 at night.

Oy.

At least I screwed up the cookies, so most of them ended up in the trash. I underbaked the first sheet, and overbaked the second sheet, so I didn't eat nearly as many as I would have if I hadn't effed them up. I ate enough, though.

But. I came to work today and wasn't hungry. Following my new rules, I should have skipped breakfast and just eaten lunch, because I would most likely have been hungry by then, right? Well, I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast anyway, lack of hunger be damned.

But! Again with the but! I went to lunch at 11:30, and was still full from the peanut butter toast and all the calories from last night, so I didn't eat lunch! So, maybe there is hope for me after all. I'm sure I'll suddenly be starving by 2:00, at which point I'll eat some strawberry Mini Wheats that I have in my drawer, and then when I go home I'll eat a leftover chicken breast and some rice, and I'll watch the SU basketball game (we're #1 now, yay!), and I'll behave much better than I did last night.

This whole thing of readjusting my attitude towards food and eating is obviously going to take some time. I'm going to keep plugging away at it, though. I'll take the bad with the good and hope to eventually have more good than bad, and I'll be happy.

And I promise not to eat the rest of the dry Cookie Crisp tonight. :)

Debate of the Chips

I've been doing well all day. I had my peanut butter toast for breakfast, then a turkey sandwich for lunch, and a small box of yogurt covered raisins when I got back to my desk after lunch. Then I was nice and full and fine for an hour or so. Then the urge to snack hit. I wasn't hungry, but this was what was sitting next to me:


That's half of a single serving bag of Baked Lay's barbecue flavored chips. Here's a snapshot into my mind, as I contemplated eating it.

"It's just half a bag."
But I'm not hungry, I don't need it.
"Half a bag! And it's right there! You know they'll taste oh so good."
(Reaches for bag, picks it up, then puts it down.) No! I don't need it, I'm not hungry.
"Aww, come on. It's just half a bag. It won't hurt anything! You're probably not eating enough calories anyway!"
(Looks at the chip bag again, mentally shakes head.) No. I don't need it.
"Wannnnnnt chippppppps."
(Puts bag of chips behind paper stand thing that holds my work, gets out a pack of gum.) Out of sight out of mind. I'm going to chew a piece of gum now.
"You suck."


Thank goodness for Trident Layers. I'm so glad I bought a pack when we got groceries this week!

Update from later: I ate the chips about two minutes ago, after I finally actually felt some hunger. :)

Small Steps

I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it's been to shed the "diet" mentality. I feel so free! I was surprised by how much relief I felt at no longer having to think about my food all the time. I didn't really consider any foods off limits before, or at least not many, and yet I was counting calories and thinking about every bite I put into my mouth, and worse yet, I was judging myself and chastising myself when I did "bad" on my diet, and basically just messing with myself mentally every single day. So the sudden absence of any guilt, of the over-thinking, has been a great feeling.

Now I feel like the real work is beginning. I'm not dieting anymore, and if this goes as well as I think it will, I'll never "diet" again. But I am starting to work on changing my eating habits. I have a few simple rules to follow, which I've probably already listed, but I'm going to list them here, too. Repetition isn't always a bad thing.

1. Eat when I'm hungry.
2. Stop eating when I'm full.
3. Don't eat for emotional reasons.

That's it! It's that simple. Of course, it's deceptively simple. I've been eating for emotional reasons for most of my adult life. It's going to be a very hard habit to break. It means I'm going to have to start facing my emotions and dealing with them without softening the edges of them with comfort food (junk food, usually). That is not going to be easy. But it's a challenge I have to tackle head on.

And of course, when I'm eating for non-hunger reasons, it isn't always based on emotions. Sometimes it's simple habit, or just a basic desire to keep doing something that I find pleasurable. When I have a tasty, satisfying meal, I find myself with a strong urge to follow that up with something dessert like. But if I'm full from dinner, the dessert isn't necessary, and if I want to eat a dessert, even something as simple as a cookie, then I need to just eat lighter at dinner to leave room.

I've started trying to live by these three rules, but in all honesty, the steps I've taken have been small at first. I did really well on Friday, I think - I avoided eating for any non-hunger reasons, and I didn't eat too much in my meals, I don't think. I was home on Friday for a snow day (our driveway was PACKED with heavy, wet snow up to my thighs), and I was alone for the first chunk of the day, since Jim was at work (had been from the night before). I was proud of the choices I made for breakfast and lunch, and didn't snack at all outside of those meals. For dinner I had been planning on taking us out, but my tax refund didn't come in, and Jim was tired anyway, so I made myself some rigatoni and two pieces of toast with butter and garlic powder on them (fake garlic bread, I call it). I ate my dinner with a glass of milk, and later that evening I went into the bedroom to watch a DVD, and took a 100 calorie pack of cookies with me to have as a snack. The only thing was, I was full from dinner, and imagine this, I never ate the cookies! Strange, but true.

The weekend was a little worse, simply because we kind of had a food-centric weekend. There was a big SU game on Saturday night, and we bought snacks for that, and some of those snacks bled over into Sunday, too. But that's fine, and I did make a few smart choices that I was proud of.

First, we went to Denny's Saturday for a late breakfast/early lunch. I got a cheeseburger and seasoned fries. I ate the whole cheeseburger, and ate about half of the fries - and then I pushed the plate away and took the remaining fries home. This felt like a huge thing, because I would usually have sat there saying I needed to take them home, but I would have picked and picked, and they would have been gone before we left. But I stopped eating when I was full, and took the rest home and had them for dinner.

The second good thing I did when I got home was wait before I let myself start with the snack foods we bought for the game. I was still full when I got home, and yet I wanted to dig into my Xtra Cheddar Goldfish as soon as I got them unpacked from the grocery bags. I made myself wait, though, until after dinner. I got hungry about 4:00, so I heated up my fries and then I let myself have the Goldfish when I was done with them.

So, small steps over the weekend, but today the real work begins. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's Just Food

I've been thinking a lot of what I said at the end of the last post I wrote here. I haven't had a "healthy" relationship with food for so many years - most of my life! I'd say the last point in my life where I ate when I was hungry, exercised more than I ate, and didn't feel the need to eat in response to emotions instead of physical hunger has to be back when I was a pre-teen.

I'm 40 now. That means I've been dealing with this obsession and unhealthy attitude with food for close to 30 years! It's just not good, and I can't stand it anymore.

I'm also sick to death of recording my food in Spark People every day. It's a great tool, and it's helped me to realize how much of a difference there is between what I need to eat, and how much I want to eat. But I'm sick of doing it.

I'm sick of "dieting." I'm sick of some foods being off limits. I'm sick of having to stop and think about whether or not I have enough calories left to let myself have a Skinny Cow ice cream cone at the end of the day.

I've had enough.

I'm not giving up on losing weight - not at all. But I think right now, I need to concentrate more on fixing this dysfunctional relationship with food that I have. Yesterday I looked at my stack of snacks that I keep on my desk at work (100 calorie packs, applesauce, yogurt covered raisins), and said to myself, "it's just food." And that's true. It's not going to make me happy when I'm sad, it's not going to make me any less lonely when Jim is at work and I am missing him, it's not going to make me any less bored when I have nothing to do, it's not going to make the hours at work go by any faster.

It's just food.

So I'm not weighing in for a while. I'm not counting calories for a while. I'm just going to put that stuff on the back burner for a while and focus on training myself to listen to my body to tell me what it needs. I can trust it - it knows what it's doing. My head is screwed up, but my body has always known what it needs.

When I want to snack, I'll stop and examine my motives for it. Am I hungry? If not, then what am I? Am I bored, lonely, sad? Am I eating out of habit? If the reason isn't hunger, then I need to figure out what the reason is, so I can stop just blindly shoving food in my mouth and not knowing why.

And damn it, if I want to eat French fries sometimes, if I want to get chocolate chip cookie dough and bake it, I'm going to let myself. I'll have them, I'll stop eating them when I'm full, and I'll move on.

I'll check back in with a weight in a month. Okay, a month and one day - I'll weigh in again, officially, on March 26th. And in the meantime, I'll check in and let you know how it's going. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and don't, I'll let you know. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and am not able to stop myself, I'll tell you that, too. Hopefully by the time the month is over, I'll be more in tune with my body, I'll be obsessing a little less over junk food and all of the stuff that is "off limits" and hopefully, I'll be a bit smaller. We'll see.

All I know for sure at this point is that I can't continue to live my life like this. I can't go on obsessing about food. I can't go on eating away my emotions (because it doesn't work anyway - the emotions are still there when the food is gone).

Here's to starting to develop a healthier relationship with food.

Crampy!

It's been a crampy, pain filled week around here. I've been bloated and popping Advil and feeling like a half drowned cow.

Lovely, yes?

But the cramps are going away, the pain is receding, and I no longer feel like I'm carrying a gallon of water around in my belly fat. So, things are looking up.

Isn't it fun being a woman sometimes? :D

I stepped on the scale this morning, with it set at last week's Friday Weigh-In weight. It laughed at me and said I needed to think again, because I may have felt like I had gotten back to normal, but in reality I was still holding onto a lot of water. Or else I ate too many fries last night.

Yes, I had fries. The restaurant I do marketing for at work called and offered me food in exchange for delivering their updated menu to them. They asked if they could bribe me with food, and I said you can ALWAYS bribe me with food. And I took my chicken tenders (barbecue flavor) and fries, handed them their menus, and drooled all the way home.

In all fairness, though, I only ate two of the tenders - the rest are in the fridge for tonight's dinner. I did eat all of the fries, though. And I don't regret it - they were delicious. :)

We'll see if the scale is still laughing at me on Friday, though. Oy.

Do you ever wish you could just stop having to think about food? Do you ever wish you could just eat when you were hungry, giving your body what it was craving, without worrying about calories, carbs or fat grams? Do you ever wish you could go back to the way it was when you were a little kid, and food was something to enjoy but not something to obsess over?

Or is that just me?