I'm having a crisis this week. I want to eat and eat, and I don't know why! I'm trying to examine my feelings and my moods, but I just don't know what the problem is. I'm not physically hungry at all, and yet I want to eat so much. Is it emotional issues? Is it hormones? I'm at the mid-point in my cycle, so it wouldn't seem like that would be it, but then maybe I'm ovulating and that's messing me up.
I have no idea.
If it's emotional, then what's my issue? Sure I gained the weight when Mom was sick and then after she died, but losing it won't make her die again, and keeping the weight on won't bring her back. Jim fell in love with me the way I am now, but he won't stop loving me if I lose weight. I know I gained some of the weight as a way to keep men away and to isolate myself because I was so afraid of facing my relationship issues, but I got past those and let Jim into my life, so I don't need to hold onto the weight out of insecurity anymore.
So what's going on? I still have no idea.
I'm not giving up, but I am struggling right now. I have to be honest about that. Losing weight, for me, is much more of an emotional struggle than a physical one. I'm trying to figure out what's in my head, so I can get past it.
Right now, though, all I want to do is eat. I'm trying not to eat too much.
Reading back over this just now, I was struck by another thought - do I think I'm not worth it? I don't know how to put this thought into words so you can understand, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If that's what it is, though, I have news for my subconscious - I AM worth it. I deserve to be healthy and fit and happy, and I deserve to feel attractive.
Showing posts with label struggling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggling. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
One Day at a Time
I was thinking this morning about the various things I inherited from my mother (I have no idea now why I was thinking this). I got her hands and feet. I got her youthful appearance - people are usually shocked when they hear my age, and when Mom died at 62, she would have passed for 10 years younger than that, easily. And of course I inherited her tendency to be overweight - although I got a different body shape than she did. She gained in her upper body (mostly belly) and had nice, thin legs. I gain in my lower body first, and only gain in my upper body when the lower half is at maximum capacity. But however the weight is distributed, it's there, and since my dad was very thin, I have to think that the weight came from her.
Of course, even if genes are a factor, the fact that I actually gained the weight I'm genetically predispositioned for is my own damn fault. I'm the one who decided that food was the best way to deal with my emotions - good or bad. I'm the one who decided that when I was too insecure and broken to deal with a relationship, that the best way to avoid being in one was to get too fat for any guy to want me. I'm the one who developed a love of sweet things.
I wasn't always this way. I was a normal weight child - I even have picture proof of that right here on my hard drive! See, here I am somewhere around the age of 10:
An old friend scanned those in and sent them to me on Facebook not too long ago. But see what they show? An average sized kid, one you'd never call fat. So what happened?
I started gaining weight in high school, but not much - I still wore a size 7 all the way through, which I wouldn't really call heavy now. I thought I was huge, though. When I started working, more weight came on. When I got to 165 pounds, I joined Nutri System and lost 40 pounds. I eventually gained back a bit of that, but I stayed between 140 and 150 for a few years.
Then I went back to school, and Mom had her first stroke. My weight crept up. Mom got sicker, I was seriously stressed - the weight crept up even further. I finished school and got an office job. Mom got sicker. The weight crept up. Mom died. My weight went up over 200 pounds for the first time in my life.
And really, what it all amounts to, is that I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I've been on a diet or thinking about going on a diet ever since I was a teenager - and I'm now 40! Why can't food just be something I eat to live? Why does it have to be my go to way of dealing with everything in my life?
Of course I have no answers to these questions. It's just the way it is. And here I am, 218 pounds as of Monday, January 5th, and struggling once again to make myself behave and start dropping the weight again.
I have to take this struggle one day at a time. I haven't been doing very well on my eating for the last week and a half. I've been PMSing and sad and lonely, and eating to cope, even though I know the food won't really help me. But today is a new day. I've had my peanut butter toast for breakfast. I'm drinking my water. J will be home tonight, so hopefully we'll have a healthy dinner and I won't snack afterwards.
And tomorrow I'll get back up, and I'll face another day. I'll try to get through without eating too much, and without going completely overboard if I do eat something I shouldn't. And I'll do that the next day, and the next, and the next. I've just started, and it'll be a long journey, but I want desperately to get to my goal, so I'm going to keep plodding along. One day at a time.
Of course, even if genes are a factor, the fact that I actually gained the weight I'm genetically predispositioned for is my own damn fault. I'm the one who decided that food was the best way to deal with my emotions - good or bad. I'm the one who decided that when I was too insecure and broken to deal with a relationship, that the best way to avoid being in one was to get too fat for any guy to want me. I'm the one who developed a love of sweet things.
I wasn't always this way. I was a normal weight child - I even have picture proof of that right here on my hard drive! See, here I am somewhere around the age of 10:
An old friend scanned those in and sent them to me on Facebook not too long ago. But see what they show? An average sized kid, one you'd never call fat. So what happened?
I started gaining weight in high school, but not much - I still wore a size 7 all the way through, which I wouldn't really call heavy now. I thought I was huge, though. When I started working, more weight came on. When I got to 165 pounds, I joined Nutri System and lost 40 pounds. I eventually gained back a bit of that, but I stayed between 140 and 150 for a few years.
Then I went back to school, and Mom had her first stroke. My weight crept up. Mom got sicker, I was seriously stressed - the weight crept up even further. I finished school and got an office job. Mom got sicker. The weight crept up. Mom died. My weight went up over 200 pounds for the first time in my life.
And really, what it all amounts to, is that I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I've been on a diet or thinking about going on a diet ever since I was a teenager - and I'm now 40! Why can't food just be something I eat to live? Why does it have to be my go to way of dealing with everything in my life?
Of course I have no answers to these questions. It's just the way it is. And here I am, 218 pounds as of Monday, January 5th, and struggling once again to make myself behave and start dropping the weight again.
I have to take this struggle one day at a time. I haven't been doing very well on my eating for the last week and a half. I've been PMSing and sad and lonely, and eating to cope, even though I know the food won't really help me. But today is a new day. I've had my peanut butter toast for breakfast. I'm drinking my water. J will be home tonight, so hopefully we'll have a healthy dinner and I won't snack afterwards.
And tomorrow I'll get back up, and I'll face another day. I'll try to get through without eating too much, and without going completely overboard if I do eat something I shouldn't. And I'll do that the next day, and the next, and the next. I've just started, and it'll be a long journey, but I want desperately to get to my goal, so I'm going to keep plodding along. One day at a time.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Not Going To Fail!
I didn't weigh in yesterday - what was I thinking, promising to weigh in on Mondays? That's never going to happen. Mondays are the worst possible days to weigh in, for various reasons. I've changed it to Fridays.
I hope I'll have some positive news to report on Friday, but if I don't get my act together, it's not going to happen. I went over my calorie limit almost every day last week. Not by a lot - I'd go over 200 or 300 calories and figure it was still way better than I had been doing, so it was okay. But there is one problem with that attitude - those extra calories add up day to day! And they result in the scale not really going down so much as sitting still.
Yesterday I was determined that I was going to do much better, and in fact I did! Until after I got home, anyway. I ate well at work, and had enough food planned for my time at home alone (J was at work) that I thought I should be okay. But no, I went rather crazy and ended up probably a good 1,000 calories over. D'oh! I blame hormones for some of that (women will know what I mean), but mostly I'm just weak as hell and can't have any tempting food in the house AT ALL. Sigh.
Today was going to be different. I was going to have the same game plan for the workday, and then I was going to be good at home, if only because the food that tempted me yesterday is now gone (Hershey's chocolate Santas, for the record). And then I went to lunch, and they were having a food show at work, so people could sample different foods and rate them - to help my work decide what foods to order and put on the regular menu. I had my plain turkey sandwich like I had planned, and then I had a cheese stick, a mini burger, a fried dough stick and bites of pizza and egg rolls (neither of which was very good, so I stopped at a bite). I am now at almost 1,000 calories - and I only get 1250-1550 for the entire day.
What are the odds of me staying in my limit today? Sigh.
No, I can do it. I can! I'll have cereal for dinner, and a glass of milk, and that will be that. I'll chew gum all night if I have to, to keep my mouth busy.
I WILL get this eating thing back under control. 2010 is still my year! I won't give up.
I hope I'll have some positive news to report on Friday, but if I don't get my act together, it's not going to happen. I went over my calorie limit almost every day last week. Not by a lot - I'd go over 200 or 300 calories and figure it was still way better than I had been doing, so it was okay. But there is one problem with that attitude - those extra calories add up day to day! And they result in the scale not really going down so much as sitting still.
Yesterday I was determined that I was going to do much better, and in fact I did! Until after I got home, anyway. I ate well at work, and had enough food planned for my time at home alone (J was at work) that I thought I should be okay. But no, I went rather crazy and ended up probably a good 1,000 calories over. D'oh! I blame hormones for some of that (women will know what I mean), but mostly I'm just weak as hell and can't have any tempting food in the house AT ALL. Sigh.
Today was going to be different. I was going to have the same game plan for the workday, and then I was going to be good at home, if only because the food that tempted me yesterday is now gone (Hershey's chocolate Santas, for the record). And then I went to lunch, and they were having a food show at work, so people could sample different foods and rate them - to help my work decide what foods to order and put on the regular menu. I had my plain turkey sandwich like I had planned, and then I had a cheese stick, a mini burger, a fried dough stick and bites of pizza and egg rolls (neither of which was very good, so I stopped at a bite). I am now at almost 1,000 calories - and I only get 1250-1550 for the entire day.
What are the odds of me staying in my limit today? Sigh.
No, I can do it. I can! I'll have cereal for dinner, and a glass of milk, and that will be that. I'll chew gum all night if I have to, to keep my mouth busy.
I WILL get this eating thing back under control. 2010 is still my year! I won't give up.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Get Thee Away, Temptation
A couple of weeks ago in a fit of weakness, I bought two double sized boxes of Pop-Tarts from the grocery store. Why? Because they were on sale two for $5! So I had to! Sigh.
A couple of weeks later, and those things have been ruining my days this whole week. I start out doing okay - sometimes I even make it to 1:00 or so without messing up! Then I start to get hungry again, and instead of eating the applesauce I have sitting here, I grab a package of frosted cherry or chocolate chip and eat not one, but both Pop-Tarts that it contains.
Each Pop-Tart has at least 200 calories - the chocolate chip one has 220. Oy. Way to ruin a day's food intake, you know?
This morning I came in to work, determined that today was going to be the day I got my act back together. I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast, and not two hours later - more like an hour and a half later, actually, I grabbed one of the remaining packages of chocolate chip Pop-Tarts, and ate not one, but both of them. Ugh! I got so aggravated and annoyed at myself that I threw the two remaining packages in the trash.
My days will no longer be ruined by their high calorie sugariness! Dang it.
A couple of weeks later, and those things have been ruining my days this whole week. I start out doing okay - sometimes I even make it to 1:00 or so without messing up! Then I start to get hungry again, and instead of eating the applesauce I have sitting here, I grab a package of frosted cherry or chocolate chip and eat not one, but both Pop-Tarts that it contains.
Each Pop-Tart has at least 200 calories - the chocolate chip one has 220. Oy. Way to ruin a day's food intake, you know?
This morning I came in to work, determined that today was going to be the day I got my act back together. I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast, and not two hours later - more like an hour and a half later, actually, I grabbed one of the remaining packages of chocolate chip Pop-Tarts, and ate not one, but both of them. Ugh! I got so aggravated and annoyed at myself that I threw the two remaining packages in the trash.
My days will no longer be ruined by their high calorie sugariness! Dang it.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Good Decisions
I've been doing so badly on my diet lately that I feel I have to celebrate every good decision I make (because they are few and far between). So here are two good ones for today:
1. I went into the gas station to pay for some kerosene to bring home for the heater, and before I went to the counter to pay, I walked around the convenience store, fulling intending to get some candy bars and maybe some chips. But I said no to everything, paid for the kerosene and left. I was in SHOCK at myself. Me, saying no to chocolate? Bizarre!
2. I baked some rolls for a treat tonight, and was so close to eating the ones that were left over. But I said no and put them in a sandwich bag and into the fridge.
Two good things in one day? So unlike me! But who knows, maybe it's a sign that I'm finally heading in a better direction with this damn diet again. We'll see.
1. I went into the gas station to pay for some kerosene to bring home for the heater, and before I went to the counter to pay, I walked around the convenience store, fulling intending to get some candy bars and maybe some chips. But I said no to everything, paid for the kerosene and left. I was in SHOCK at myself. Me, saying no to chocolate? Bizarre!
2. I baked some rolls for a treat tonight, and was so close to eating the ones that were left over. But I said no and put them in a sandwich bag and into the fridge.
Two good things in one day? So unlike me! But who knows, maybe it's a sign that I'm finally heading in a better direction with this damn diet again. We'll see.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Feeling Like a Failure
I am struggling so much. I don't know what my problem is. I can't seem to get back on track! I promise myself in the morning that I'm going to do better, and then by the afternoon I'm eating all the wrong stuff. I can't seem to stop eating junk food. Today J and I went grocery shopping, and I got two bags of potato chips to take to work for a group lunch thing we're doing on Tuesday. I actually wanted to open one of the bags and eat it, and just take the other bag in. I figured one bag would be enough - there are only 10 of us in the whole office, after all, and there will be plenty of other food there. The only thing that stopped me was J, saying that I needed to keep it for work when I mentioned it to him.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Struggling
There has been over a month of silence here, and there are reasons for that. First, I just went through a while of not feeling like writing online. It happens.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
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