I'm having a crisis this week. I want to eat and eat, and I don't know why! I'm trying to examine my feelings and my moods, but I just don't know what the problem is. I'm not physically hungry at all, and yet I want to eat so much. Is it emotional issues? Is it hormones? I'm at the mid-point in my cycle, so it wouldn't seem like that would be it, but then maybe I'm ovulating and that's messing me up.
I have no idea.
If it's emotional, then what's my issue? Sure I gained the weight when Mom was sick and then after she died, but losing it won't make her die again, and keeping the weight on won't bring her back. Jim fell in love with me the way I am now, but he won't stop loving me if I lose weight. I know I gained some of the weight as a way to keep men away and to isolate myself because I was so afraid of facing my relationship issues, but I got past those and let Jim into my life, so I don't need to hold onto the weight out of insecurity anymore.
So what's going on? I still have no idea.
I'm not giving up, but I am struggling right now. I have to be honest about that. Losing weight, for me, is much more of an emotional struggle than a physical one. I'm trying to figure out what's in my head, so I can get past it.
Right now, though, all I want to do is eat. I'm trying not to eat too much.
Reading back over this just now, I was struck by another thought - do I think I'm not worth it? I don't know how to put this thought into words so you can understand, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If that's what it is, though, I have news for my subconscious - I AM worth it. I deserve to be healthy and fit and happy, and I deserve to feel attractive.
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Okay deep breaths. Nothing yet is unfixable. My positive thoughts are focused on you. You are most definitely WORTH IT.
ReplyDelete{{hugs}} I'm sorry you are having a hard time!! That is an interesting idea, though, about not feeling like you're worth it. YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY WORTH IT! Do you have a paper (private) journal where you can write, as well? Sometimes I find that physically writing helps me figure things out, esp. if I know it won't be seen by anyone.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE WORTH FEELING GOOD.
Really.
Thank you Sally and Melissa! It's the day after I wrote that post, and I am feeling so much better! I don't know what my issue was yesterday, I really don't, but thank goodness that day has ended, a new one has begun, and I feel much more in control.
ReplyDeleteI love your kind words! Seriously, having your support and input is very helpful while I struggle with this whole thing. Thanks!