Metamorphosis

When you start a diet with around 90 pounds to lose, the first 30 pounds can feel like just a drop in the bucket. It's a number that would be very significant for most people looking to lose some weight, but for me, 30 pounds isn't even enough to make people start noticing (except for Jim, who has been great about noticing and commenting).

And yet, it also seems to be the magic number that makes everything seem brighter, makes the total goal seem possible and makes me start to feel like I don't hate my body anymore.

For more than a decade now, since I started putting my weight back on way back in 1996 or 1997, mirrors have been my enemy. I avoided looking in them whenever possible, because I didn't like what they reflected back at me. I averted my eyes when walking into a public bathroom and finding a full length mirror. I averted my eyes when walking into a store, facing doors that were walls of reflective glass. I grimaced when I glanced out the passenger door of a car and saw my reflection in the side mirror. I avoided looking at pictures of myself at all costs, even to the point of covering my image up and just looking at whoever else was shown on the screen or the printed picture.

It was exhausting, avoiding all images and reflections of myself, but I did it for over a decade.

But now things are starting to change. As of yesterday, I have lost 30.25 pounds. I'm sliding slowly back down the scale, and I feel like I'm finding myself along the way. Here is the woman who can wear the Bob Seger shirt from the concert I went to see, that was way too small when I bought it. Here is the woman who can glance in the side mirror of Jim's car, see herself, and not grimace at how fat she looks - in fact, here is the woman who can look at herself in that side mirror and think she's actually looking physically small. Here is the woman who is happy to try on clothes that have been too small for a decade, to find that one by one, they're starting to fit.

I keep thinking about how different my feelings are on the way down the scale than they were on the way up. When I was gaining weight, 197 was a hated number, a number putting me so close to that dreaded 200. It was a sign of how badly I had done, of what a horrible place I was in, emotionally and physically. I was eating out of grief, hoping the food would ease the pain of losing my mother. Of course, it didn't - all it did was make me feel even worse as the scale climbed higher and my image became something to avoid at all costs. But now 197 is a victory! I've been under 200 pounds for weeks, and instead of climbing back over 200, I'm slowly climbing further under it. My image is slimming down, my old self is coming back a tiny bit at a time. With every pound that falls off the scale, I return even more fully back to the body I used to love, that I used to enjoy dressing.

Of course, I have a long way to go yet. Thirty pounds have fallen, but there are still 57 to go before I get to goal. But I know, now, that it is possible. I know, now, that it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there - I will see 140 pounds on the scale again, if not this year than next. And with every pound that falls, I'll feel stronger, happier, and more able to face what life hands me. It's just 30 pounds, but it's so much more than that. It's my life, made better and happier. My body is changing, but so is my mind. And it feels fucking great!

Finally!

I've been measuring smaller every week, but the scale has been sticking to a range of 200.5 and 202 or so. But I kept going, counting calories and using the elliptical and staying on course. And this morning it finally happened!

I weigh 199.75! Woo!! You may all celebrate with me now. :)

Small Milestone and Progress Update

See? The blog isn't dead. :)

Two weeks ago I decided I needed help getting this weight loss thing moving, so after checking out some online weight loss programs, and then getting an e-mail about a reduced rate on Jillian Michael's site, I decided to join it. And I'm so glad I did!

Her site has laid out a diet for me, which I don't use because I'm far too picky to like the foods they pick for me. But I did go through it and take some tips on what to eat with my meals, and I try to stick to the calorie limit they gave me and try to eat healthy.

More importantly, though, it lays out an exercise program for me. Four days a week (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) I do circuit training, combining cardio with strength training, and then on Saturday I do cardio. And it's working so well! I can feel my body shrinking and my clothes getting looser. I can see it working, also, because I measure myself every week, and I've lost more than four inches over all in two weeks! Woo!

And here is another great thing - I've lost seven pounds in the last two weeks, and have finally gotten over 20 pounds lost! As of yesterday morning, I have lost 20.5 pounds! Woo!

So, I wanted to let you know, things are going well. I weighed 207 yesterday, and am looking to be under 200 pounds in the next two or three weeks. When I make it, I'll be back to let you know, so you can celebrate with me!

A Note

Hello all!

I didn't weigh in this week. Jim was on vacation last week, and I indulged with him this weekend, and I just wasn't about to step on the scale this Monday. I'm back at it, though, and actually got up before work to exercise yesterday! I don't think that has ever happened in my full-time working life. It's something I'd like to make a habit. I like getting the exercise out of the way early, plus it put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day, and made it easy to make good choices with my food.

Here's the thing about this blog, though. I don't think I'm interested in writing it anymore. I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm still going to work every day to make permanent life style changes. But I don't seem to have any interest in writing in here, which means the blog has outlived its purpose.

I'm not going to completely close it down, though. I think I'd like to be able to pop in from time to time, to give updates on how I'm doing, and maybe to post some progress pictures. So if you'd keep me in your RSS feeds, I'd be happy to have you around to check in when I do update in the future. Just don't expect me here every week anymore.

I just want to say thank you to those of you who read this. I have appreciated all of your supportive comments, and the way you've poked me to update when I've delayed. I'm so glad you'll still be out there rooting me on, even though I won't be in here every week telling you how I've been doing. I appreciate every one of you.

Good Weight Loss and Good Attitude

Thank goodness, I finally got my head back into the game on Wednesday. After my realization of what was probably my road block, stopping me from wanting to get under 200 pounds, and then watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and being totally inspired by one of the women on the show, I got my good attitude back and am working hard again! I've been on the elliptical and I've kept my calories at a reasonable level for the most part. Even this weekend, when anything could have happened - Jim is on vacation, and we went to see Bob Seger in concert on Saturday night, at a venue that was about 3.5 hours away - I still managed to keep my calories under my limit. I wasn't eating healthy foods, but at least I wasn't going crazy and eating anything I wanted, either.

And today I'm back with a good weight loss total to share! This morning when I stepped on the scale, I was 210.5, down from 214 on Wednesday morning. Not bad! I can just feel 199 out there waiting for me to reach it, and I am eager to get there!

My goal for today is to rehydrate - I didn't drink nearly enough water this weekend. In fact on Saturday, to make sure I wouldn't have to use the restroom at the arena where the concert was held, I didn't drink any water at all, except for a little bit that morning. I drank more yesterday, but I am still very low - I'll be making up for that today.

And of course my goal is to keep my calories low, but with healthier foods than what I ate the last couple of days. It'll be easy to do, now that I'm back to the routine of work.

Anyway, a good weight loss and a good attitude, yay! I'm so happy to be back on track!

Possible Breakthrough?

I’m struggling. There is an internal battle going on, at a level so deep I don’t even know who the combatants are, much less what the conflict was that led to the battle starting in the first place.

Confused? So am I.

The facts are this: I’ve pretty much given up on losing weight. For the last month and a half I’ve eaten what I’ve wanted to most days. I haven’t worked out on a regular basis. My conscious mind keeps saying the right things, about needing to get it under control, needing to eat less, needing to work out. But then as soon as I say that I’ll eat cheese and crackers with Jim, or I’ll stop at the store and get a bag of chips and eat them all in one day. I sabotage myself before I even drop one more pound. I’ve been sticking to a weight of 213-215 since, what, mid-February? And now it’s April 4th, and I’m still right there in that two pound range. I wish I could say it was just a plateau, but it’s not. It’s me. I’m killing the weight loss before my pounds lost can get any bigger. But why?

I honestly have no idea. I know there must be some emotional, internal reason. There is something in my head that is fighting to stay over 200 pounds. I only need to lose about 14 pounds to finally see a number on that scale that starts with a 1 instead of a 2, but I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening.

I’ve floated some theories around in my head, but I’m not sure that any of them click. Here they are, though, so you can play along.

Theory number one: I met Jim when I was about 206 pounds, and he fell in love with me there, and as I steadily gained back up to about 220. What if I get under 206 and he doesn’t love me anymore?

Obviously I know this is crap. He loves me, not my weight, and he’ll love me no matter what I weigh. And since I know this, how can it be what’s making me sabotage my every weight loss attempt?

Theory number two: I gained this weight when Mom was sick and then when she died. What if some internal part of my brain associates the weight with the pain of that horrible grief, the grief that quite literally almost killed me? What if it thinks losing the weight will somehow cause me to feel that grief again?

This one could be true. I actually have never written it out that clearly before. When I’ve thought of this reason, I’ve always wondered what exactly my brain could be fearing from the weight loss if it’s associated with her death. I mean, losing the weight won’t cause her to die again or make the feelings I went through at that time any less valid. But okay, I could see where some small part of my brain could be protecting me from feeling that loss again, if it associates the weight with that time of my life. I went through three horrible, stressful, depression filled years before I finally pulled through and found peace and a way to be happy again. I started that journey weighing around 175 or 185, I guess, and ended it weighing around 220. That could be why I’ve gotten to 213 and gotten stuck. At this weight and for about 30 or 40 pounds below it, there were very bad things happening. I have no desire to ever feel that bad again.

Okay, if this is true, here I am telling my inner fearful brain to get over it. Losing the weight will not make me grieve for my mother all over again! I have felt that pain, I survived it, I got through it, and I will never have to feel it again, at least not for her. I hope to never lose another person I love ever again as long as I live (I hope that for us all, even though I know it’s a futile hope), but no matter what, I will never have to feel that fresh grief for the loss of my mother ever again! It’s done. Losing the weight I gained during that time will NOT bring back the pain.

Wow. Okay. See what writing stuff out does for me? I never would have thought so clearly about that theory if I hadn’t written it out.

Are there even any more theories? Yes.

Theory number three: I initially started gaining weight, many years ago, because I was insecure and had really bad self-esteem and thought I could never have a real relationship with a man. So I gained weight, because I felt like if I was fat, no man would want me anyway, and I wouldn’t have to face whatever issues I had when it came to real intimacy with a man.

Okay, I faced this issue in 2006, when I almost broke up with Jim out of fear. I faced it, I dealt with it, I got through it, and the best man in the world, the man who loves me the way I always dreamed of being loved, is here with me now because I did that. So, problem resolved, and this one doesn’t hold water anymore.

And that’s all I had, I think, and I really think I might have hit it on the head with number two up there. Losing your mother is a huge deal, people, and never let anyone tell you it isn’t. I remember thinking my mother was carrying on a bit too long about the grief she felt when her mother died, and for that I would like to apologize to her. She was right – I had no idea until I went through it myself. The grief knocked me to the ground and stomped on me until I had my very first suicidal thought, one dark day in 2002 (two full years after she had died). I made it through, thank goodness, and now I just have to let it sink in to that deep, fearful part of my brain.

Losing this weight and getting under 200 pounds will not make that grief return! It is safe to let this weight go! It’s not doing me any good!

Okay. Thank you for reading along as I worked out my mental issues. This entry is very wordy, but it was a useful one, I think! Now maybe I can put my feet back on track and show a real loss a week from today. I’ll start with some time on the elliptical tonight!

Vacation Damage

I had a week of vacation, which was so nice! I loved not having to work this last week. However, for me, vacation seemed to mean not having to count calories, and I really don't feel like getting on the scale this week, so there won't be a weigh in. I'll be back for that next week.

I did, however, think of something this morning to help motivate me to do better. Thanks to Willow's vet bill, I won't be having any extra money for a good long while. Even when I get done paying Jim back for the amount he paid toward her bill, I'll still have to save enough to buy Jim's wedding ring and to buy my clothes and jewelry for the wedding. So I'm thinking I'll be pretty broke right up until October or so. And I need a haircut desperately. My hair is too long and is getting split ends, and it needs to have about four or five inches cut off.

So, I asked Jim if he would give me money for a haircut when I get under 200 pounds, and he said yes. Yay! So maybe I can make that happen in the next few weeks. I hope so!

Also, I have no idea what is going on with my scale. It's an old doctor's scale, and it seems to fluctuate so much as to be completely unreliable. On Wednesday I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical, and I weighed myself before I left, wearing exactly what I would be wearing at the doctor's. I weighed three pounds more here than I did there (and the doctor was happy, because my weight was down six pounds since the last time I was there, which would have been in December, when I was going through the heart palpitations). So I came home and happily adjusted my scale to read three pounds smaller. Then Gracie (my cat) got on the scale and sat down this morning while I was in there, so I weighed her, and it said she only weighed 5.5 pounds. I know for a fact she weighs 9 - 9.5 pounds. So what the heck? I don't know what to believe anymore, and am this close to buying a cheap bathroom scale to replace it.

Anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow, which means back to being good, so I'll weigh in next Monday, and every Monday after that until I get under 200 pounds and can get that haircut. Woo!

Willow and Her Cone

I found a different cable to work with my camera, so as promised, pictures of Willow and her stubby tail, with bonus images of Bernie, who is laying with her on the futon.

Weigh In and Willow

So, I did well last week! When I tell my weight, it'll look like I didn't lose much from my last weigh-in, but after a month of more cheat days than good days, I had gained some. So...

On Monday, March 7th I weighed 219.5. (I told you I was bad for the last month.)

On Sunday, March 13th I weighed 213.75. Woo! I lost almost six pounds in a week. THAT'S how good I did this last week. :)

Of course, I'm still way behind where I should be, but I'll catch up over the next couple of months. And I'll be back next week with another weigh in.

Oh, and I was going to post some pictures of Willow, but I seem to have left the cable for my camera at work. :( So I'll have to wait to show those to you later (I'm on vacation this week). But just know she's doing well. I'm giving her pain medicine three times a day, and she's doing very well wearing the cone. Jim and I are very impressed with her. I'll take her later this week to get the bandage on her tail changed, and we'll see then how it's doing. Hopefully it'll be healing well.

Willa Billa

When I adopted Willow in August, 2005, I had no idea what I was getting into. For three days she was the perfect dog - calm, easy going, affectionate. And then she ran out of the pain pills she was on after she got spayed.

The Willow I have known, loved and sometimes wanted to murder in the years since is nervous, edgy, neurotic and desperately wishes she were the only animal in the house. But she's also loving and affectionate, and just wants to be with me or Jim as much as possible. We both love the stuffing out of her. The fact that I do love the stuffing out of her, though, made it very hard to get through this morning.

You see, Willow's neurotic nature has sometimes shown itself in a rather unpleasant way - self-mutilation. She sometimes goes through periods where she chews on the tip of her tail whenever we're not home with her, or even when we're sleeping. She chews the hair off, she chews at the skin until she bleeds, and this last time she even tore the skin off so it was basically degloved. Prior to this, she's always stopped before any real damage has been done, then the tail has healed and the hair has come back. This time she didn't stop, and her tail was in horrible shape, so I took her to the vet.

Her first visit for this was two weeks ago. They gave her antibiotics, cleaned her tail and wrapped it up so that she couldn't go after it, and sent us home. Today was her recheck. I was very much hoping that her tail would be healed, and she would be fine, but it wasn't. They took the bandages off, and her tail was obviously very infected, despite the antibiotics. It looked and smelled horrible. They have to amputate the end of her tail. :(

So now she's at the vet, and I'm home, worrying about how she's doing, wondering how I'm going to get her adjusted to wearing an Elizabethan collar (new things make her very nervous, and she basically lost her mind when they put it on her at the vet's office), and of course wishing she could have just left her tail alone in the first place. Poor Willa Billa.

Keep her in your thoughts today, okay? She's a crazy, neurotic, spastic mess of a dog, but she's ours, and we love her.

Change of Plans

Okay, here's the thing. I can't be trusted with monthly weigh-ins. I thought I needed to step away from the scale to make it lose its hold over me. Plus I liked the idea of stepping on the scale after four weeks of being good, and seeing the number drop maybe 10 pounds from what it was. But here's what I hadn't considered - I'm a procrastinator. Give me four weeks to do a job, and I'll wait until the last week - even the last few days, if I think I can get away with it - before I'll even start to work on it.

The very first week of this 28 day period - shit, the very first DAY of this 28 day period - I was already telling myself that I didn't have to weigh in for four weeks! I could eat extra and it wouldn't matter! I had been sticking to 1300-1400 calories per day before that. As soon as I started this 28 day challenge, the number crept up into the 1500s. If I stayed within my calorie range at all, that is - most days I didn't.

So yeah, two weeks later I'm here to admit that I've had a very bad two weeks. For every one day that I've stayed in my range, there have been easily three days that I haven't. A four week lapse between weigh-ins is not a good idea for me.

And so I'm here to say that weekly weigh-ins are coming back. I'm not weighing in tomorrow, because frankly I don't even want to know how much damage I've done. But I'll be back weighing in next Monday. And I'll be here every Monday from there on out. I need a deadline to keep me honest! And that deadline can't be more than a week away, apparently.

So, for the next week, I'll be doing the five parts of my 28 day challenge, and I'll try to post my results in here every day. I can't guarantee I'll always remember, but I'll try. And I'll weigh in on Monday to show how I've done.

Here's to a better week, full of exercise, calorie control, and a lot more discipline.

Wednesday

Another day, another post! I'm on a roll!

Today's stats:

Calories: 1494
Fruit: An apple and a banana
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: 22 minutes on the elliptical
Scale: nope!

Tuesday This Week

I'm back! Woo! Here are my results for the day:

Calories: 1471
Fruit: One apple
Water: 8 1/2 cups
Exercise: 21.5 minutes on the elliptical
Scale: Nope. :)

A little better on the calories today - I like the number being in the 1300s or 1400s. Better on the elliptical. It's amazing how much ground I lost in a month and a half of not going to the gym! I did fine today as far as my cardiovascular system was concerned, but my thighs got very sore. I'll get back there soon enough. If I did 21 1/2 minutes tonight, maybe I can do 25 tomorrow.

So, a good day! Here's to another one tomorrow.

Monday Again

Look at me, back at the end of the day to tell you how I did! Hee.

Here's how I did today!

Calories: 1528. High end of my range, but under my upper limit, so I'm happy. :)

Fruit: A banana with lunch.

Exercise: I managed to get through almost 15 minutes on the new elliptical that Jim bought us yesterday. Yay, new elliptical! Boo, not working out for a month and a half (the bike doesn't count, apparently, since it never got me that short of breath or got my heart rate that high) means that 15 minutes on the elliptical kicks my butt. I'll be back on it tomorrow, though.

Water: If I finish what's in front of me, I'll be over 9 cups today. Yay!

Scale: I didn't step so much as a single toe on it.

Weekly Wrap Up

So, week one of my 28 Day Challenge is over, and how did I do? Well, uh...yeah, not very well. Here are my five daily challenges, with a breakdown of how I did on each:

1. Eat in my calorie range every day. Um, not so much. Did I at all this week? I think so, but barely. Let's just say I was not very good at saying no to myself this week.

2. Drink at last 8 glasses of water every day. I did great on this Monday - Friday. I even managed to get all eight glasses in while I was at work, and then got a couple more in at night when I got home. Yesterday and today, I only got about four cups, so I still have to work on the weekend water drinking.

3. Don't step on the scale. I got on it twice. And I'm rethinking this one anyway. A lot of my overeating happened because my mind was here: if I don't have to weigh in for four weeks, then I can overeat today! I'll still have so many more days to be good before I have to step on the scale! Um, not good. I'm sticking to the weighing in once a month for now, but after this 28 days is over, I might switch back to every week. We'll see. I like the idea of seeing a big loss after four weeks, but if it makes me think I can do badly for the first week or two, then I'm shooting myself in my own foot.

4. Exercise every day. I worked out at least three days, so I did okay on this one. It wasn't every day, but it was more than I've been doing. And I'll do even better this next week, because Jim bought us an elliptical today! He got it all together and we tested it out a bit tonight, and it works just as well as the expensive one the gym had, and it's right in my own living room. Yay! I'll start using it tomorrow after work.

5. Eat at least one piece of fruit per day. I actually did okay on this one, too! I ate at least one piece of fruit every day except yesterday and today. Not bad!

Okay, so a so so first week, but week two will be better. And I'll try to be better at coming in here and updating every day, to keep myself honest. :) So I'll see you tomorrow night!

End of Day One

I am so very tired. It's 7:28 p.m. and I feel like it's the middle of the night, I'm so tired. I don't think I'm going to be up very much longer.

That being said, here are today's stats!

Calories: 1500. Higher than I would normally do on a weekday, but did I mention I was tired? Really, the fact that I managed to do this well is amazing to me.

Exercise: I did 15 minutes on the bike, then when I felt like I would lose my mind from boredom (I was watching TV while doing it, but exercise machines just aren't fun no matter what), I took a break and did my floor work - crunches and buttock tucks. Then I got back on the bike and did 15 minutes again. Woo! Considering how tired I was (am), I'm very happy with that.

Fruit: I ate a Fruit Naturals cup of mandarin oranges.

Water: I'm working on cup number seven - one more to go. I'll make sure to get it in before I hit the bed and hopefully sleep like the dead. Or sleep like a babe, since that sounds less horrible.

Scale: I didn't go anywhere near it. :)

28 Day Plan

It's currently 3:28 a.m. I went to bed at 10:00, and have been laying here awake ever since. Oh insomnia, why do you only hit on work nights? Seriously, now I'm going to have to call in (I don't know about you, but I can't work on no sleep - I can't even type a sentence in here without making a ton of mistakes, so assuming I was able to drive myself to work without killing myself in a car accident, I'd be making stupid mistakes all day, so no thanks).

Anyway. I came up with a plan last night, before I went to bed and never went to sleep. The name of this blog is 30 Days of Denise, because when I started it, I was chronicling a 30 day challenge of basically behaving on my diet and not messing up at all. I succeeded, and then never did that many days in a row again. Well, I'm going to change that, because while I've been doing well on weekdays, for the most part, I have been falling apart on weekends, and it can't continue. I have a deadline here, people! I can't screw around anymore, not even for a day or two on the weekends.

So, here's the plan I came up with, while I was failing to get to sleep. For 28 days in a row (less than the 30 in my blog title, but oh well - an even four weeks is just easier to keep track of), I will do the following:

*Eat between 1200 and 1550 calories per day (the amount Spark People tells me I should eat in order to lose weight).

*Exercise - cardio for half an hour, and then floor exercises to strengthen my abs, butt and legs, plus hand weight or resistance band work for my arms (every day for the cardio and floor work, every other day for the weight work).

*Eat at least one piece of fruit. Okay, this may sound like a no brainer for most of you, but even though I like apples, bananas, strawberries, mandarin oranges and orange juice, if given the choice between any of those and a granola bar as a snack, I'll take the granola bar every time. I need to work on getting more fruit into my diet.

*Drink at least 8 glasses of water every day. This is usually an easy one for me, except on the weekend. Then I allow myself a soda or two, and the water doesn't happen. It's time to change that. I can still have a weekend day soda if I want, but it has to come in addition to the water, not in place of it.

*Don't step on the scale until the 28 days are over! This may well be the hardest one for me. When I'm not doing well, I have no problem staying away from the scale. Who wants to see their weight go up? Not me. But when I'm doing well, I want to see the weight go down, so I end up getting on the scale every day. It's not healthy for my state of mind. So I am setting this part of the challenge to keep me off the damn scale until each 28 day period is over.

In addition to the above things, I'll be writing in here every day. If I don't really have anything to say (I'm wordy, but not wordy enough to do a whole essay every single day), then I'll just do an entry giving the following stats at the end of each day:

Number of Calories Eaten:
Cups of water I drank:
What fruit I ate:
What I did for exercise:
Did I step on the scale?: (This one should always have no for an answer, and having to post the answer here will hopefully help me stay off the blasted thing.)

So there's my plan, that I detailed to myself when I should have been sleeping. I'm hoping to get on the scale at the end of the 28 days and see good news. We'll see!

Oh, and I don't have an exact starting weight for this 28 day period, because my period is due, and the water weight has packed on, so I stayed off the scale this weekend (plus I ate way too much the last two days). I will say, though, that on Thursday I was down to around 212.75. Woo! (I say around 212.75 because I can get on my scale five times and get five different weights. It's frustrating, but what are you going to do. I usually go with the lowest weight I get - that was the lowest on that day.) Who knows, maybe in this first 28 days I'll get below that 200 number! This season's biggest loser contestants are calling having a weight that starts with a 1 being in "Onederland." I want to be in onederland so badly! Maybe 28 days from now I'll be there.

Okay, now I'm going to mindlessly surf the web in lieu of sleeping, then call in to work as an insomniac loser, and then probably lay in bed or on the futon all day watching TV and wishing I weren't so tired. I will still get in my exercise, though. I don't have to be wide awake and alert to sit my ass on the exercise bike and pedal while watching TV.

Here's to a great 28 days! And no repeat of this insomnia anytime soon!

Keeping My Focus Short, Not Long-Term

I didn't weigh in on Monday, because I was BAD last week. Oh man, I ate so much. :D

But I've been making up for it this week, and doing really well, so I'll be back weighing in at some point this weekend or on Monday, and I should have good news to report.

But here's one thing I've realized about this weight loss attempt. I'm not focusing on how much I have left to lose. In fact, I haven't really stopped to figure it out at all. When I started I knew what weight I wanted to be at by my wedding, I figured out how much weight I'd have to lose each week to get there, and I've focused only on those numbers. If I don't make a weekly weight, I don't get too concerned, as long as I can make the monthly goal. I'm working hard right now to make sure that my week of messing up doesn't stop me from reaching my goal for the end of this month.

And I really do think that focusing on the short term goals, while keeping the long term goal in the back of my mind, has really helped me. It's so easy to get discouraged if you think about the big number that you still have left to lose. I mean, I went into this wanting to lose 87.5 pounds! That sounds almost impossible. But 2.5 pounds here, 10 pounds there, sounds so much more reasonable and achievable.

And I also always have in the back of my mind that eating this small amount (1300-1400 calories) is only temporary. When I get to my goal, I'll be able to increase that a bit in order to maintain the weight where I want to stay. Eating the way I used to should never become a daily habit with me again, but I'll be able to eat a normal amount, and I won't have to focus quite so much on how many calories are in each meal I eat. That keeps me going, too, when it feels like I can't stand counting calories yet another day.

I like having a plan of just monitoring my weight once a week to make sure it isn't creeping back up, and cutting back for a few days if it does. That sounds so NICE!

And for right now, I just keep plugging away, day after day, knowing that if I get through each day without overeating, my body will do what I want it to do. The end will come, and in fact it's creeping closer and closer with every passing week. And I can get to that end goal without having to focus on the big number that signifies how much work I have left to do.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Weeks keep going by, and so far I keep kicking butt. I'm down two pounds this week, woo! My total so far is 12.25 pounds lost, and it's been just five weeks, so I'm right on course. Yay!

I've been pretty good at making wise choices lately, too. Yesterday we went to Denny's for a late breakfast/early lunch. Instead of getting my favorite cheeseburger and seasoned fries (yum), I got two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and two pieces of bacon. The bacon sounds bad, but just two slices fit into my day's calories easily. Then we went to the hockey game at work last night, and of course there aren't really any wise choices there - just bad ones and not so bad ones. So I chose a not so bad one and got two slices of pizza. I ate one and a half slices, and gave the other half to Jim. And it fit into my day's calories, so again - the wisest choice I could have made, from a menu that was either pizza or fried foods and not much else.

I love that I've been staying so motivated, too. I guess I just needed to have that wedding deadline looming larger with every passing week! The idea of that coming, and there not being any time to goof around anymore, has pushed me to do well every week, so far. And I'm going to make sure that continues!

Great Weigh In News!

I'm giving you an early Saturday morning post to share some great news! I peed rivers for two days in a row, getting rid of the water weight from my period, and I counted my calories and stopped myself from snacking and stuck to between 1300 and 1400 calories most days (even last night when Jim wasn't home and I wanted to snack SO BADLY), and it paid off.

This morning I stepped on the scale, and I'm down 10.25 pounds in just under four weeks! Yay!!! I now weigh 217.25. Woo!!

Celebrate with me, won't you? I'm VERY excited about this, people. It means I'm doing it! I'm doing what I have to do to get to a healthy weight by my wedding! Yay! It all seems so possible now!

I'm down another pound this week! I wanted it to be more, but my period started and I always gain water weight with it, and I know I did this time, too. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I was already down to 220.25, and today I was 221, and I didn't eat badly enough to gain any weight.

Anyway, in a week when that's happening, I'm happy with a pound loss!

Also, I'm coming down with a head cold, and it's time to take some Nyquil and go to bed, so this is a short entry tonight. But yay, I'm down 6.5 pounds in three weeks! Woo!

Second Week Challenges

So, I didn't do the best last week. Of the seven days, I only really counted my calories and made a point of staying in my range on two of them. It was a hard week! I don't know why, but it was.

Part of the problem was Jim working nights three days in a row. I don't know why, but being alone at home at night makes me want to eat to fill the emptiness. Obviously food isn't really going to replace Jim when he's not there, but it's what I want to do, and something I obviously need to keep working on. He was gone three nights, I was only good one of those nights. I need to work on making it all three, eventually.

I did have some good points to the week. We went to Applebee's for lunch on Saturday, to use a gift card Jim had gotten for Christmas. I looked at the menu online before we went,and saw that the sliders I like to get were over 1200 calories. Whoa! So I decided I should get the sirloin steak and baked potato, which would be a much more reasonable 690 (not a huge difference, but more manageable). When we were there, I almost caved and got the sliders, but I got the steak instead, and when I counted up my calories for the day, even though I thought I hadn't done well at all the rest of the day, I was only over my calories by about 100! So that was good.

Anyway, it was a tough week, and I never stepped on the scale during the week at all, so I was a little afraid when I got on this morning. But the news was good! I weighed 222 exactly this morning, meaning I lose 1.25 pounds! And in a week when I thought I did really badly, so I was happy.

Two weeks in, and 5.5 pounds have been lost! Woo!

And yes, I'm planning on doing better this week! :)

Fighting!

I faced an issue tonight that I have faced so many times before. Jim was at work, I was going to be home alone. I left work and got my car washed, and then I got back on the street and turned the corner to go home. But then I turned left, and went to the store. I bought the same things I always buy - junk. Crap. Shit that I don't need.

I came home. I ate most of it. I put the leftover chips (Hint of Lime Tostitos, one of my biggest challenges and temptations) in my desk drawer to finish eating later in the week.

Then I was sitting here watching The Biggest Loser. I was listening to these people saying that they had burned 4,000, 5,000, even 6,000 calories in one day. I thought about how I'll be going to the gym tomorrow, and working hard to burn an extra 400. And then I thought of those chips in my drawer, and thought how much I needed to dump them right in the trash.

I took the bag out of the drawer, and I looked at them, and I thought about how much I love them, I thought about how good they taste. But then I walked to the garage, I opened up the trash can, and I dumped the chips out of the bag into the trash, threw the bag into the can after them, and walked back into the house, thinking that I couldn't believe I had done that.

But I was so proud that I did. It's no secret that I have a lot of food issues that I need to face. Sometimes I lose the battle, sometimes I win. For most of last week, I won the battle. For the first two days of this week, I have failed. But from here on out, for the rest of this week, at least, I WILL win. I WILL lose at least two pounds this week. I WILL work as hard as possible in the gym tomorrow and Thursday. I WILL work out at home to Jillian's ass kicking DVD either Friday or Saturday.

I WILL beat those food issues, for this week, at least.

I am glad those chips are in the trash.

Week One Recap

I had a very good first week! There were ups and downs, there were challenges, their were failures, their were triumphs. I guess every week will have all of those things, but for this week, at least, there was more good than bad.

Some challenges I faced this week:
*A day and a half at a conference, where food was provided for us (not being able to plan ahead)
*Temptations in the form of cookies, dessert, high fat chips, high calorie bagels
*The gym being closed one day - not being able to go another day because of the conference
*Trying to be good on Sunday, when it felt so wrong! We've always cheated on weekends, so it was very hard to not overeat. Having a weigh-in looming over me for the next morning helped, though.

Things I did wrong:
*Not working out at home on either Wednesday (when the gym was closed) or Thursday (when I was at the conference all day, but home by 6:00)
*Stopping to buy a chocolate frosted doughnut from Dunkin for breakfast on the way to the conference
*Eating dessert with my lunch on Thursday at the conference
*Eating a chocolate chip cookie as a snack on Thursday at the conference
*Overeating on Thursday by eating those two things above, and then eating some junk they had in our "goodie" bag that we got when we registered
*Gobbling a bag of Lay's potato chips and two chocolate chip cookies when leaving the conference on Friday, because I was STARVING (I'm used to eating lunch at 11:30 - we left the conference and got lunches to go at about 12:45)

Things I did well:
*Working out Monday, Tuesday and Friday at the gym, doing about 2/3 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD on Saturday (so hard - she kicked my ASS in just 2/3 of the workout, and I was hobbling around the rest of that day AND all of Sunday)
*Deciding on Friday to push myself in my work out. I was at my usual 136-141 heart rate, and decided to see how hard I had to work to get it to the upper portion of my target heart zone. I pushed and got it to 149-153, and kept it there for the last 13 minutes of my time on the elliptical, woo!
*Eating half a sandwich and a lower calorie chip choice for lunch on Thursday (mostly because I knew I was having chocolate cake for dessert, but still)
*Choosing to take some strawberries for a snack at the conference Friday morning, instead of the blue and orange frosted half-moon cookie (done in SU colors)
*Keeping to my calorie limit six out of the seven days, woo!
*Not overindulging this weekend at all, even though they've always been "cheat days" for me in the past.

So, a lot of good things this week! And here's the best thing. I weighed myself this morning, and I'm down 4.25 pounds, woo! I now weigh 223.25. Yay!

Doing Well So Far!

The first two days have gone so well! I have kept my calories between 1300 and 1350 both days, and I've scheduled my food to do the same today. I went to the gym both nights and did half an hour on the elliptical. I feel really good about my start.

Of course, the one thing I haven't been very good at is staying off the scale. I had told myself that I needed to stay off the scale during the week, so I don't drive myself crazy when my weight fluctuates, as it does. But of course I got on it yesterday and today. :) When I do well at exercising and eating less, I feel like I NEED to know if it made a difference. Hee.

It did make a difference, too - so far I'm down two and a half pounds, woo! (Mostly water weight, I'm sure, but still - it looks nice on the scale.)

I'm very much taking this as a one day at a time journey, too. If I focus too much on how much I have to lose, and on how long it will take, I get overwhelmed and fail. But looking at it a day at a time makes it much more manageable. So first thing in the morning I plan my food for the day. Today we're having meatloaf for dinner, which is a higher calorie meal, so I planned my day around a larger than usual dinner. Then it was pretty easy to divide the rest of my food up for the remainder of the day.

Anyway, so far so good! I am really excited for our first week weigh-in. (And I'm going to try to stay off that scale tomorrow morning!)

A Fresh Start

Today is the day! Jim and I got our starting weights, and we're starting to eat healthier and less as of today.

Boy did we have fun during our holiday vacation, though. Ha! So much junk food passed through my lips that I actually started getting sick of sugar yesterday, and started wanting some "real" food - something more substantial and healthy. That didn't stop me from eating all the junk I could scarf down, though. :)

But today I'm back on track. I've got my food figured out for the day, and even though I had my afternoon snack an hour and a half ago, I'm already hungry for dinner. It'll take a while for my body to adjust to eating less, though, so that's fine. After work I'm going to the gym and using the elliptical for half an hour, plus cool down. I'm being active in Spark People again, entering my food to make sure my calories don't climb too high, and I'll be entering my exercise there, too. I also set up my beginning weight and I'll record my weight loss there every week. I do need to get my measurements, though. I also joined a group on SP that will do 30 minutes of cardio five days a week (which I was planning on doing anyway) plus a 10 minute strength video, which is created by their site.

So I'm doing well so far, and I've got all the support and tools I need to make it happen - plus the motivation of my wedding, which is creeping ever closer! Eight months will go so quickly!

Oh, and here is where I get embarrassed and admit my starting weight for this, my latest (and hopefully final) attempt to finally drop this weight. I stepped on the scale this morning, and weighed 227.5.

I don't think the junk food binges were worth it, really. :)

Anyway, here I am, chronicling this again for 2011. Here's to a slimmer me by my wedding!