I made it through day one! Woo! I did pretty well, too, I think. I ended up with a calorie count of 1492. Not bad!
Of course, the first day of these things is often the easiest, because our willpower is the strongest. Also, J was home with me, and I'm always better when I'm with someone else (closet eater).
I weighed myself this morning, because you know I am apparently unable to stay away from the scale for any length of time. I weighed 211.75 this morning, so I'm up 11.25 pounds from my lowest weight since I started this diet thing. Not good! But I'm turning things around, and I have high hopes for a much lower number by December 22nd.
It still kind of kills me that I could be in the 150s right now, if I had behaved the whole time since I started this. D'oh! Oh well. I can't go back and undo the past, and I obviously have some issues to work out with this whole food thing anyway, and those kinds of things don't happen quickly. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. Right? Right.
On to a great today. :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Feeling Like a Failure
I am struggling so much. I don't know what my problem is. I can't seem to get back on track! I promise myself in the morning that I'm going to do better, and then by the afternoon I'm eating all the wrong stuff. I can't seem to stop eating junk food. Today J and I went grocery shopping, and I got two bags of potato chips to take to work for a group lunch thing we're doing on Tuesday. I actually wanted to open one of the bags and eat it, and just take the other bag in. I figured one bag would be enough - there are only 10 of us in the whole office, after all, and there will be plenty of other food there. The only thing that stopped me was J, saying that I needed to keep it for work when I mentioned it to him.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
I'm eating so much! And I'm not too picky - if I don't have any junk food to eat, I eat bread and margarine, or crackers, or pretty much anything.
I'm trying to figure out what makes me keep doing this. I know that J isn't going to just stop loving me if I get to a healthy weight again. I know that I will feel better physically and that I'll feel better about myself if I lose the weight. I know that if I keep on the way I've been, I'm very likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes in the next 10 years. I don't want these things to happen. I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to like my body again.
And yet I keep overeating.
I started trying to be better in March. I've been doing this EIGHT MONTHS. If I had managed to be good that entire time, I'd be almost AT GOAL right now. Instead, I've gained back enough weight that I've probably only lost 10 pounds of the 80 I had to lose.
Why can't I do this? Why can't I just start eating smaller amounts of healthier foods? Why can't I force myself to start exercising?
I read something on Sparkpeople once that said that it doesn't matter how often you fall, as long as you keep getting back up. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the diet wagon, as long as you keep picking yourself up and starting over.
But in order to make it really "starting over," you have to actually do the work to make up the ground you lost, and break new ground. But I don't. I might make up the lost ground, but I haven't broken any new ground since at least July. I had the goal of getting under 200 pounds by my birthday. It became clear the week before that I wasn't going to make it, so I started binging. My birthday was July 18th. Four months later, I'm still not under 200 pounds. In fact, I weigh a good five pounds more than I did that week before my birthday.
So basically, I've been spinning my wheels for four months. Now, I MAY have a chance of getting under 200 by Christmas, but really, that's only going to happen if I start to behave. I need to start logging my calories in sparkpeople again. I need to start forcing myself to ride the exercise bike every night. I need to stay under 1550 calories EVERY DAY. Will I do these things? I want to say yes, but the truth is, I don't have much faith in myself right now. I had the dieting mojo in August. I started 30 Days of Denise then, and I did great! I stayed in my calorie limit without fail every one of those 30 days. In the two and a half months since then, it's all been downhill.
I can't take it anymore, I can't. I don't know why food has this hold over me. I swear, if I had ever let myself try smoking, I'd be one of those people who would never be able to quit - I'd be turning off my oxygen tank to light up. Instead, I'm addicted to fat and sugar and salt.
How do I get back that motivation that I had in August? How do I start being good again? How do I turn my life around?
I don't know. I need to work on it, though, or I'm going to be dead before J and I even get the chance to retire and enjoy our old ages together. I don't want to die young, like my Mom did. I need my dieting mojo back.
And this isn't about reaching any certain weight by any certain date. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to be able to do physical activities without stopping to rest. I want to be able to stop worrying about my heart (and I do worry about it - more than anyone knows). I want to like my body again. I want to be proud of myself.
I have to say good-bye to the junk food. I have to start learning to like healthy foods. I have to stop eating every day like it's going to be my last, and it therefore doesn't matter. It DOES matter. My heart is begging me to do better. My mind is nagging at me to do better.
(This is me psyching myself up to do better.)
There are 34 days until Christmas. If I do a 30 Days of Denise starting tomorrow, I'll finish on Monday, December 21st (that would be my 30th day, so I would record the 30th day that Tuesday). This is me pledging to do that. Look for me to log in here everyday starting this Monday to record my calories. It's going to be hard - Thanksgiving is in there, that potluck thing at work is on Tuesday, Christmas treats will be popping up all over the place - but I need to do it. I need to do it for myself. I'm not going to try to get to any certain weight in these 30 days. I should avoid the scale altogether, but I know I won't be able to. But I need to stay under 1550 calories every day, and I need to exercise more regularly. I need to do these things for myself. And I vow to do so. I need to do so. For me.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I'm nothing if not predictable
You guessed it, this weekend's bad eating spilled right into Monday. Sigh. It has NOT, however, spilled into today. And you know what? Dieting means a lot of things, but most important for me has been that it means I pick myself up and keep going whenever I stumble and fall. Which sounds super corny, but you get the point.
I've done well so far today, and will continue to do so. And I've decided I'm going to try to be good every day from now until the week of Christmas - and knowing me as I do, I'll end that good streak on that Saturday the 19th, so I have 39 days of being good. Hey, I can do that, easy! I once went 40 days without any kind of chocolate at all, so going 39 days without going over 1550 calories, but with chocolate allowed in small amounts, is a piece of cake. No problem!
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how today went.
I've done well so far today, and will continue to do so. And I've decided I'm going to try to be good every day from now until the week of Christmas - and knowing me as I do, I'll end that good streak on that Saturday the 19th, so I have 39 days of being good. Hey, I can do that, easy! I once went 40 days without any kind of chocolate at all, so going 39 days without going over 1550 calories, but with chocolate allowed in small amounts, is a piece of cake. No problem!
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how today went.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day Three, November 6th
I did well yesterday! I didn't actually eat healthy foods all day, but I did go under 1500 calories, so I'm happy. I ended up at 1495 yesterday.
Of course, today J is away and I'm PMSing and I went to the store and got a Lunchables for lunch (remind me never to do that again - they're not worth the money), and some non-diet type foods may have slipped into my basket as well. Uh, oops. I blame the hormones. Anyway, I don't imagine I'll be posting here with a good update again until Tuesday - apparently I'm taking the weekend off. I'll be back on the wagon Monday, though, don't worry.
Of course, today J is away and I'm PMSing and I went to the store and got a Lunchables for lunch (remind me never to do that again - they're not worth the money), and some non-diet type foods may have slipped into my basket as well. Uh, oops. I blame the hormones. Anyway, I don't imagine I'll be posting here with a good update again until Tuesday - apparently I'm taking the weekend off. I'll be back on the wagon Monday, though, don't worry.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day Two, November 5th
Well, I got through day two without going over, woo! It was harder than day one, I think. I REALLY wanted junk. I was very glad we didn't have any in the house. J came home from visiting his parents with a pocketful of mini Hershey's and Snickers, but I don't like Snickers, and I only ate two of the Hershey's, which I actually had room in my calories for, so that was okay, and it satisfied my craving for junk.
Anyway, I ended up with 1528 - ten calories less than the day before. It's still about 80 calories higher than I'd like to end up once I get used to eating less again, but I'm happy. At least I'm not eating non-stop like I had been.
Now to get through today and make a successful day three!
Anyway, I ended up with 1528 - ten calories less than the day before. It's still about 80 calories higher than I'd like to end up once I get used to eating less again, but I'm happy. At least I'm not eating non-stop like I had been.
Now to get through today and make a successful day three!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day One, November 4th
Look at that, accountability works! Or at least it worked on day one. Yesterday I ate 1538 calories. I came really close to my upper calorie limit, but I did NOT go over, so I deem the day a success. :)
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Accountability
Okay, here's the deal. I've been sucking on this whole dieting thing. It's November 4th already, and I haven't managed to stick to my calorie range at all yet this month. I think I need some accountability. So here's what I'm going to do.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
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