Struggling

There has been over a month of silence here, and there are reasons for that. First, I just went through a while of not feeling like writing online. It happens.

But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.

I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.

I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.

What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.

Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.

So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?

I have no idea. I seriously don't.

Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.

And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?

I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.

I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?

Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.

I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.

Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.