I've always been a "closet" eater. Not that I ever physically locked myself in a closet to eat, of course - this is a purely metaphorical closet.
I would hide my eating. Not all of it, just what I thought was too much. Eating lunch? No problem, I'll sit there and eat with you and not worry about what you think, no matter what I'm ingesting at the time. Ripping open a bag of chips and a package of cookies and eating half of each of them while watching TV? I'd only do that if I was alone.
So it's no surprise to me that the times I have to be extra careful now are the times when I'm home, but J isn't. If he's there, I'll be good. If he isn't? I'll very likely be in the kitchen over and over again, looking for something to stuff into my face (that is, if I didn't just go to the store on the way home, buy a bag of Goldfish and some peanut butter M&M's, for example, and just open them up and eat them all over the course of the night. Which yes, I've done more than once on nights when he wasn't going to be home).
But now I'm just over halfway through my month of not going over my calorie limit. So that behavior has changed a bit.
Tonight, for instance. J is at work, due to come home at some point, but probably not until I've been home for a few hours alone. I've been out to the kitchen a few times. But so far I'm resisting temptation. Yes, I did eat one thing I shouldn't have, but I stopped there.
Why is tonight different? Is the challenge stopping me? Maybe. But you know what I really think it is? I'm feeling the difference that being good every day, as opposed to four or five days out of seven, can make. I like the feeling. My fatty areas are slowly shrinking. My clothes are getting slightly larger every week. I'm starting to think about wearing size 16 pants, and then 14, and then 12, and then...you get the idea. (And yes, I did just admit that I'm in a size 18 pants right now. I won't tell you my weight yet, but I will tell you that.)
I look in the mirror now, and while I don't yet like what I see, I am no longer repulsed by what I see. My overall shape is about the same, just a tiny bit smaller, so it doesn't seem like my opinion on mirrors should have changed yet, but it's starting to. It's starting to change because I know that I'm changing. I know that I'm doing the work to get smaller. I know that the shape I have now will go away, and that the smaller shape I can see underneath it will emerge.
These positive thoughts make facing that reflection a bit easier.
Now, these 17 days of behaving haven't cured me. If I went off this diet tomorrow, I'd go off big, just like I did in July. But I won't go off it tomorrow. I'm learning too much during this 30 days. I'm starting to like myself again. I don't want that to change.
These 17 days of behaving also haven't cured my need to hide my overeating. But just maybe it has given me the tools to resist the temptation.
For today, at least, this closet overeater is staying out of the kitchen.
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I lost close to 80 pounds about 14 years ago. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of a couple of years. I know how hard it can be. You deserve a lot of credit for sticking to it, and even more for admitting your pant size on the internet. I know that takes courage.
ReplyDeleteI’ve kept the weight off for well over a decade now, but I’m still a size 12. Every now and again I find a dress or pair of jeans that are a 10 that work, but it is rare. And I still weigh a lot, but I’m 80 pounds less than I was in high school so I try not to fixate too much on it. Plus, I’m tall (5’10), so I constantly having to remind myself that tall girls don’t weigh 120 pounds. Still, I wish I weighed less. But it is like my body hit a wall 14 years ago, and no matter how hard I try, my body likes where it is (even if I don’t). Then, I started lifting, and my weight on the scale went up. The only thing that has kept me from completely freaking out is that my clothes all still fit the same.
The worst, though, is how quickly men lose weight. Trevor started running and lost 10 pounds. Then, he started going to yoga with me and lost even more. So, now I’ve got him lifting in the hopes that it will bulk him up a little. He only weighs like 25-30 pounds more than me, and I wish it was a little more. For some reason, I feel like guys should weigh more than girls (although I don’t know why it should matter). And it just isn’t fair that they lose weight so much more quickly (grumble, grumble).
Anyway, I don’t know why I am sharing all this with you. I guess so you know that I’m in your corner rooting for you. Losing weight is hard and frustrating, and I think you are doing an awesome job. And your new blog is great because it is keeps you honest. It is hard to be a closet eater if you are going to admit to binging later on, you know. Plus, by writing it down, you are also figuring out when and why you eat. Some people go forever without figuring that out.
Anyway, I’ve never met you, but I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work!