Well, I got through day two without going over, woo! It was harder than day one, I think. I REALLY wanted junk. I was very glad we didn't have any in the house. J came home from visiting his parents with a pocketful of mini Hershey's and Snickers, but I don't like Snickers, and I only ate two of the Hershey's, which I actually had room in my calories for, so that was okay, and it satisfied my craving for junk.
Anyway, I ended up with 1528 - ten calories less than the day before. It's still about 80 calories higher than I'd like to end up once I get used to eating less again, but I'm happy. At least I'm not eating non-stop like I had been.
Now to get through today and make a successful day three!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day One, November 4th
Look at that, accountability works! Or at least it worked on day one. Yesterday I ate 1538 calories. I came really close to my upper calorie limit, but I did NOT go over, so I deem the day a success. :)
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
There weren't too many temptations yesterday. The one thing I need to do, though, is leave more calories for the evening. I went home yesterday with over 500 calories left to eat, but after dinner I was down to 72, and I was NOT satisfied. I wanted more to eat! So I ended up eating 3/4 of a piece of plain bread (and giving the rest to the dogs, because the whole thing would have made me go over).
Of course, if I weren't used to eating WAY more calories than that (like, probably double, at least), I would have been full when I was done with dinner. And I know I'll get back there again.
Anyway, it was a successful day, and I'm glad I stuck to my limit. Woo! Now to get through today...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Accountability
Okay, here's the deal. I've been sucking on this whole dieting thing. It's November 4th already, and I haven't managed to stick to my calorie range at all yet this month. I think I need some accountability. So here's what I'm going to do.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
Even though I'm pretty sure not many people look at this site at all, I'm going to start coming in here every day and posting about how I did the day before. I'll write how many calories I ate, and I'll write a short note about how the day went. Was I tempted? Did I take the temptation, or pass on it? Did I do well overall? Was it hard or easy? I'm hoping that if I know I have to go online and record my day for everyone to see, I'll start behaving better.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to be coming on and telling you how I did today (so far so good, but then it's only 9:52 a.m.). And I'll be doing that every day until probably mid-December. I'm planning on being a little less strict with myself at the end of December, because I just can't turn down Christmas cookies and other holiday treats. I can't. And they only come once a year, so I won't make myself.
And just for the record - my goal for calories is to stick between 1350 and 1550. Be back tomorrow with my results for today.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
November
Tomorrow is November 1st, and it's the beginning of a new 30 Days of Denise. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but since I've been binging for a long time now, I know the number can't be good.
But you know what? I don't care. Well, I care. I guess what I should say is I don't care to find out right now. I wrote before about how I kept sabotaging my diet efforts whenever I got close to getting under 200 pounds. Well, writing that entry helped me realize that I was doing that solely out of insecurity. I was afraid that if I lost weight and didn't look the way I did when I met J, that he would leave me. Which was ridiculous and stupid, but insecurities usually are.
And once I realized that's what my subconscious was worrying about, I was able to face the fear and get over it. Still, just to be safe, I'm not going to weigh myself again until at least December 1st.
So this is the start of another month (at least) of being good. I'm going to stick to around 1450 calories each day. I'm going to track my diet on Spark People. I'm going to start exercising again - a little bit at first, and then more as I get used to it again. I'm going to get under 200 pounds before the New Year if it kills me.
So here's to November, another month of being good and exercising some self-control. I'll be writing more often this month, and here's hoping I have all good news!
But you know what? I don't care. Well, I care. I guess what I should say is I don't care to find out right now. I wrote before about how I kept sabotaging my diet efforts whenever I got close to getting under 200 pounds. Well, writing that entry helped me realize that I was doing that solely out of insecurity. I was afraid that if I lost weight and didn't look the way I did when I met J, that he would leave me. Which was ridiculous and stupid, but insecurities usually are.
And once I realized that's what my subconscious was worrying about, I was able to face the fear and get over it. Still, just to be safe, I'm not going to weigh myself again until at least December 1st.
So this is the start of another month (at least) of being good. I'm going to stick to around 1450 calories each day. I'm going to track my diet on Spark People. I'm going to start exercising again - a little bit at first, and then more as I get used to it again. I'm going to get under 200 pounds before the New Year if it kills me.
So here's to November, another month of being good and exercising some self-control. I'll be writing more often this month, and here's hoping I have all good news!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Struggling
There has been over a month of silence here, and there are reasons for that. First, I just went through a while of not feeling like writing online. It happens.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
But the biggest reason is that I have been struggling. Dieting isn't really a hard thing, physically. You eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, and exercise at least three or four days a week, and weight will come off, slowly and in a healthy way. Mentally, though, it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.
I'm going to reveal my weight to you, because the number I've been at since the end of August, and the number I've been approaching for all of this time, is a significant one. I currently weigh about 204.5 pounds. I'm not sure of the exact number, because I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days, but it's right around there. I am, of course, looking to get under 200 pounds. By all rights, I should have been under 200 pounds in early September. But I'm having difficulty getting there, and it's all mental.
I seem to have a mental block against getting under that milestone. Why? I have no idea. I can't for the life of me figure out why I would start self-sabotaging whenever I get too close. I got as low as 200.5 once, and was so happy to be there! But that very same day I started eating too much. I was happy to be so close to getting under 200 pounds, and at the same time, I was eating so much that it would never happen.
What the heck is my problem?!? Seriously. I gained weight, in part, because I was grieving over the loss of my mother. Food never cured grief for anyone, I'm sure, but it felt like it helped me get through, somehow. At least it would make me food good in the moment I was eating it, even if the grief did come right back when I had swallowed the last bite. But I accepted her loss years ago, so it shouldn't have anything to do with that.
Another reason I gained the weight was because of my fear of intimacy. I was afraid of loving a man, of letting any man have power over my heart. In some subconscious part of myself, I figured that if I was fat, then men wouldn't want me, and I'd be safe from heartbreak (we won't mention the heartbreak I went through on a daily basis because I was so lonely). But I finally faced that fear in 2006 and let J in, and I have never been happier. I trust him with my heart completely. I know he won't hurt me, and I know he will be there for me until the day one of us dies. So that shouldn't have anything to do with this current situation either.
So what is stopping me from getting my weight back into the 100s? Why do I feel compelled to start eating junk food and crap all day long, in an effort to stop any further weight loss?
I have no idea. I seriously don't.
Whatever messed up part of my brain is making me want to stop losing weight, there is another large part that still very much wants to lose it. I want to get my weight back in the 100s. I want to lose 10 more pounds, then 20 more, then 30 more, and on and on until I finally get to my goal weight range of 140-150. I want, pretty desperately, to be able to wear a size 8 dress when I get married to J.
And yet I keep messing up. I keep eating chocolate and fried foods and not exercising. And I don't know what is going to turn that around. If I don't know what the problem is in my head that's making me self-sabotage, how can I fix the problem?
I used to wonder why I was afraid to let any romance into my life. I figured out why, and as soon as I knew what the problem was, I was able to face it and get over it. After a few years of depression, I was able to accept Mom's death and move on with my life. I want to face this problem and move past it, too, but I don't even know what it is. So it's hard.
I am not giving up, however. I'm going to begin eating more sensibly. I'm going to put sweets back into the "every once in a while" category of my food pyramid, instead of in the "multiple servings per day" category. I am going to start exercising again. I'll start off slow, with 10 or 15 minute bursts of activity, and I'll work myself back up to 30 or 45 minutes a day, four days a week. And, I am going to just avoid the scale for a while. If I don't know when I'm approaching the scary 200 number, then I can't self-sabotage, right?
Well, I can, but maybe I won't. I'll put that scared part of my mind into denial.
I just had a thought - could it be that some part of my brain doesn't want to lose the weight in case J won't love me anymore if I'm thin? If so, that part of me is STUPID and doesn't deserve to be listened to. I know that J loves me no matter what, just like I love him no matter what. He'll be just as happy with me when I'm 145 as he is now. Right? Right. So if that is the problem, that sick, insecure part of my brain can just shut the heck up and let me lose this weight and be healthy. Damn it.
Okay, enough psycho-analysis. I may be struggling right now, but I am NOT quitting. I will get to my goal weight, in a healthy time frame. I am determined.
Monday, September 14, 2009
No More Cheat Days!
At least for the next six weeks.
Yes, it's true - I'm giving up my monthly cheat days. They're just no good for me! I'll still have cheat days for special occasions, but I don't need one each month. I go into them saying that I'll only eat a few extra things, but I won't go totally crazy, but of course once the day comes it turns into an excuse to eat every freaking piece of junk food in sight, and I end up gaining 2 1/2 pounds in one weekend.
Uh, that last part may have happened this weekend. Which is why I've made this decision.
So, for the next six weeks at least (I might take a cheat day for Halloween), I am going to stick to around 1450 calories per day, and we'll see where I am when those six weeks are over.
As for current progress, thanks to the August 31st cheat day, that time of the month, and this last cheat weekend (because yes, my cheat "day" turned into a cheat weekend, because I have no self control), I'm still about 2 1/2 pounds heavier than I was on August 31st. Sigh. Basically, I just wasted two weeks.
No more cheat days, except on special occasions! Here are my cheat days that I'm allowed for the rest of the time I'm dieting:
*October 31st (or November 1st if it works better for J's work schedule), for Halloween
*November 26th for Thanksgiving
*December 25th for Christmas
*A second day for Christmas, to be determined, for when J and I have our own Christmas dinner, with our ham and sides and maybe a Christmas dessert
*February 14th, for Valentine's Day
That should take me to my goal weight, I hope, and I don't think there are any days that count as cheat days in March or April anyway.
So. Six and a half weeks until my next cheat day. I'm looking forward to making some real progress in that time. :)
Yes, it's true - I'm giving up my monthly cheat days. They're just no good for me! I'll still have cheat days for special occasions, but I don't need one each month. I go into them saying that I'll only eat a few extra things, but I won't go totally crazy, but of course once the day comes it turns into an excuse to eat every freaking piece of junk food in sight, and I end up gaining 2 1/2 pounds in one weekend.
Uh, that last part may have happened this weekend. Which is why I've made this decision.
So, for the next six weeks at least (I might take a cheat day for Halloween), I am going to stick to around 1450 calories per day, and we'll see where I am when those six weeks are over.
As for current progress, thanks to the August 31st cheat day, that time of the month, and this last cheat weekend (because yes, my cheat "day" turned into a cheat weekend, because I have no self control), I'm still about 2 1/2 pounds heavier than I was on August 31st. Sigh. Basically, I just wasted two weeks.
No more cheat days, except on special occasions! Here are my cheat days that I'm allowed for the rest of the time I'm dieting:
*October 31st (or November 1st if it works better for J's work schedule), for Halloween
*November 26th for Thanksgiving
*December 25th for Christmas
*A second day for Christmas, to be determined, for when J and I have our own Christmas dinner, with our ham and sides and maybe a Christmas dessert
*February 14th, for Valentine's Day
That should take me to my goal weight, I hope, and I don't think there are any days that count as cheat days in March or April anyway.
So. Six and a half weeks until my next cheat day. I'm looking forward to making some real progress in that time. :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Peril of "Cheat Days"
I think I need to drastically rethink the idea of "cheat days." A cheat day, of course, is the one day per month that I'm allowing myself to eat whatever I want, without recording my calories in sparkpeople. There's only one problem with this concept - I seem incapable of stepping away from the bad food.
Seriously. In one day, I do NOT need to eat some of each of the following: Goldfish, Hint of Lime Tostitos, a giant Hershey's bar, a sampler of Whitman's chocolates (four pieces), brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts, a couple small handfuls of Pringles, homemade macaroni and cheese and mozzarella sticks. That's what I did yesterday, though.
What the heck? A "cheat day" is all well and good, but there needs to be a limit! Seriously, have a little bit extra of a few things, not that many.
So here is my vow for my next cheat day, which is September 13th, I believe. I will have ONE OR TWO extra snacks, plus not worry about whatever I eat for meals. AND THAT IS ALL. I will NOT use the term "cheat day" as an excuse to eat everything under the sun.
And if I go back on that promise to myself, then cheat days will just go away altogether.
And I think the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish have already had their death warrant signed. Once I open those things, I just can't stop eating them, and no one needs to eat a whole bag of those things in one sitting. They just don't. I don't. Good-bye, Flavor Blasted Goldfish. I loved you, but you're just no good for me.
Seriously. In one day, I do NOT need to eat some of each of the following: Goldfish, Hint of Lime Tostitos, a giant Hershey's bar, a sampler of Whitman's chocolates (four pieces), brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts, a couple small handfuls of Pringles, homemade macaroni and cheese and mozzarella sticks. That's what I did yesterday, though.
What the heck? A "cheat day" is all well and good, but there needs to be a limit! Seriously, have a little bit extra of a few things, not that many.
So here is my vow for my next cheat day, which is September 13th, I believe. I will have ONE OR TWO extra snacks, plus not worry about whatever I eat for meals. AND THAT IS ALL. I will NOT use the term "cheat day" as an excuse to eat everything under the sun.
And if I go back on that promise to myself, then cheat days will just go away altogether.
And I think the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish have already had their death warrant signed. Once I open those things, I just can't stop eating them, and no one needs to eat a whole bag of those things in one sitting. They just don't. I don't. Good-bye, Flavor Blasted Goldfish. I loved you, but you're just no good for me.
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