So Relaxed

No weigh-in today. After the week I had, I felt the need to stay away from the scale. I'll weigh in again next Friday, though.

So, I work at a college that has a massage therapy program for the students. I've never gotten a massage before, but today we had arranged for some of the students to come give chair massages to the people in our office. I just spent 15 minutes getting my back rubbed, my arms rubbed, and wow! I love it. I wish they could come every day. So amazing!

I still don't see myself ever getting a massage that I had to strip down to nothing for, but this kind? Oh yeah, they could come every day, and I'd be happy. Wow. So nice!

Also, I found out that apparently I still have an oily forehead, because the paper they put under my face was blotchy when I got up. That was slightly embarrassing, but what can you do?

Oh, and my boss was joking about how she wanted the door closed when she was in there, so no one would see her drooling. I laughed, but I had to fight to keep from drooling for real! Ha!

I'm looking forward to this weekend, too. Jim is actually off all weekend, so we get to spend both days together. We might get to go see the werewolf movie that I can't remember the name of, and he's going to make me dinner on Sunday - lasagna and garlic bread. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend, too!

A New Day Dawns

Okay, yesterday I needed to eat all day, my head just needed me to stuff food in my mouth all day long, and I was all emotional and figuratively tearing my hair out, wailing, "why can't I succeed at my diet? Why?"

And then a new day dawns, and whatever was making me stuff food in my mouth all day yesterday has gone away, and I am once again in control and doing well.

The next time I get all whiny and despair of ever losing this weight, and wonder why, why, why - remind me, will you, that these days come every so often, but they go as quick as they came?

Thanks. :)

So yes, back in control today, and kind of wishing I were at home right now, because I want to do an exercise video. Hopefully that feeling will stay with me until I get home tonight. We'll see.

Thanks for the good thoughts and comments yesterday, Sally and Melissa! I actually haven't read them yet - I was so in my head and emotional yesterday, I just couldn't. Weird, but true. I'll read them as soon as I get done here, though.

It feels good to be back in control!

Crisis

I'm having a crisis this week. I want to eat and eat, and I don't know why! I'm trying to examine my feelings and my moods, but I just don't know what the problem is. I'm not physically hungry at all, and yet I want to eat so much. Is it emotional issues? Is it hormones? I'm at the mid-point in my cycle, so it wouldn't seem like that would be it, but then maybe I'm ovulating and that's messing me up.

I have no idea.

If it's emotional, then what's my issue? Sure I gained the weight when Mom was sick and then after she died, but losing it won't make her die again, and keeping the weight on won't bring her back. Jim fell in love with me the way I am now, but he won't stop loving me if I lose weight. I know I gained some of the weight as a way to keep men away and to isolate myself because I was so afraid of facing my relationship issues, but I got past those and let Jim into my life, so I don't need to hold onto the weight out of insecurity anymore.

So what's going on? I still have no idea.

I'm not giving up, but I am struggling right now. I have to be honest about that. Losing weight, for me, is much more of an emotional struggle than a physical one. I'm trying to figure out what's in my head, so I can get past it.

Right now, though, all I want to do is eat. I'm trying not to eat too much.

Reading back over this just now, I was struck by another thought - do I think I'm not worth it? I don't know how to put this thought into words so you can understand, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If that's what it is, though, I have news for my subconscious - I AM worth it. I deserve to be healthy and fit and happy, and I deserve to feel attractive.

Cheat Day Heavy

I had two bad ideas yesterday. First was having a cheat day when I was going to be home alone all day. It means I basically spent the entire day eating while watching TV, eating while playing the Sims 3, eating while watching more TV, and oh yeah, eating while playing more Sims 3. And I did two loads of laundry and vacuumed the downstairs. That's about it. Oh, and I rode the exercise bike - for all of five minutes. Ha!

The second bad idea was going grocery shopping while I was hungry (hadn't eaten breakfast). As I'm sure you know, if you go grocery shopping while you're hungry, everything looks good. I ate xtra cheddar Goldfish, I ate chocolate chip cookie dough, I ate chocolate chip cookies, I ate frozen waffles, toasted and covered in maple syrup. Oy. I ate so much I had trouble falling asleep last night, I was so full (and kind of sick, honestly).

So now I will be spending the week attempting to reverse the damage. I didn't step on the scale this morning, and will be avoiding it until Friday, but let's just say that I'll be happy if I get down to 208 this week, because I know I gained weight yesterday.

Also, I think riding the exercise bike is good every so often, but I don't get that much of a cardiovascular workout from it. Maybe I just don't go fast enough, I don't know. I tend to get a better workout from videos, though, so I'm going to start cycling through some I have in my Netflix queue to watch instantly. If I do those for the rest of this month, three or four times a week, then I should be able to do the 30 day shred next month! I really want to test out Jillian Michael's claim that "you can lose up to 20 pounds" in one month while doing it! Not that I really expect to lose 20 pounds in one month, but I want to see how much I do lose.

I'm feeling kind of down on myself today, because I just ate SO MUCH yesterday. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not really accomplishing anything, even though I know that's not true. The weight may be coming off slowly, but at least it is coming off, and I'll keep up that steady forward progress.

That doesn't stop me from wishing it could all come off FAST, though. :P

If I do a video tonight, I'll let you know tomorrow how it went.

New Weight

Today is weigh-in day, yay! This morning I stepped on the scale and weighed 209.25. That's three and a half pounds less than last week, but you have to remember that the scale was adjusted after last week's weigh-in, so I have no idea how much I actually lost for sure. It was somewhere in the range of two pounds, though, so it's normal. Yay!

I'm giving myself a cheat day on Sunday, because it's Super Bowl Sunday, I'm going to be alone all day, and I've been wanting some chocolate chip cookie dough/cookies, so I'm giving it to myself that day. :) I'll try to stick to my calorie limit tomorrow, though.

One more week down!

Baby Steps

Last night Jim rode the exercise bike while I was on the phone with my phone company, checking on our Internet service, which has been out since Sunday night. And when he got off, I GOT ON! I only did 10 minutes, but I told myself that was the minimum I could do, and that's what I did. But still, I did it, so woo!

Can you tell I hate exercise? I seriously have to force myself to just do 10 minutes. Hee. Oh well.

Also, since our Internet has been out, I've been estimating my calories in the evenings (I usually keep track online with sparkpeople). Last night I actually ended up eating 100 or so calories less than I usually do, and I didn't really miss it! Odd, but true. I was really hungry when I got up this morning, though.

Hopefully our Internet will be back on this afternoon (if we don't need a new modem, which I'm almost thinking we do), and if so, I'll be able to keep track again. And I'll also sit down and try to do 15 minutes on the bike tonight.

Baby steps, people - it's how all changes begin, don't you think? :)

February's Goals

A new month has started, and just like that I'm in month two of my effort to lose weight in 2010! I feel like January was pretty successful, but I also feel like I can do way better. So here are some goals for February!

First of all, I've been very bad on the weekends in January. I basically weighed in on Friday morning and immediately started eating whatever I wanted, and didn't stop until Sunday night. That makes three cheat days, if you're counting, and that's about two per week too many. So goal number one:

1. Limit myself to ONE cheat day per week. I'll decide in advance which day that is going to be, depending on what day Jim is going to be home, what we have planned, etc. That cheat day will probably always be either Saturday or Sunday. On the six non-cheat days I will stick to my daily limit of 1250-1550 calories.

Second of all, I have been very bad at exercising, in that except for a few simple exercises to loosen up my tight neck and shoulder muscles, I haven't done any exercising at all yet this year! Obviously that can't continue, because as much as I wish it wasn't so, exercise is a vital part of any weight loss endeavor. So goal number two for this month:

2. Exercise at least four days per week. I'll start out with at least 10 minutes on the exercise bike, since I've done nothing at all for so long. Once I start to get into better shape and can do more, I'll add more minutes every day. My goal eventually is to try Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I've heard that it's a killer, though, so I'll wait until at least March for that. February can be my training month (and if you know anything about this video, and think I should wait longer, please tell me - I don't want to push myself, but I do need to step up the exercising).

I'm not setting a weight loss goal for the month, because that kind of thing tends to backfire on me if I don't make it (i.e., I make a goal, don't reach it, and then overeat for a while to console myself). I'm getting closer to that ever elusive under 200 number, though, and I should be able to reach it in March, at the latest. Here's hoping!

Okay, two simple goals. If I stick to them, though, February can be a very successful month!