Picture After Effects

I hate to say that I was kind of down all weekend because of that picture, but it's kind of true. I mean, I didn't spend the whole weekend hiding from the world, crying my eyes out or anything. I spent some time with Jim when he was home, I laughed, I watched TV, I read my book, I did housework, I mowed the lawn, I petted and hugged on our dogs and cats. It was all pretty normal. But in the background, underneath all the normal, the thought of that picture kept popping up in my mind. I felt fatter than normal. I felt the exact opposite of sexy (and so grateful that Jim doesn't agree with that, and in fact finds me very sexy).

But throughout the weekend, while I was going about my normal business with that picture always in the back of my mind, I starting thinking that this might be the thing I needed to help me turn this all around. You know how they say people have to "hit rock bottom" before they can start to help themselves? Was this my rock bottom?

I don't know. I have learned not to make proclamations on this blog, or even in my own head. I can come on here and exclaim that I'm never going to overeat again, that I'm going to exercise five days a week, and it sounds great, but the truth is, I will overeat again, and I won't exercise five days a week every week. But I feel like I may be facing a turning point. The only question is, will I make changes? Or will I let the image of that picture fade from my mind, and go back to that more comfortable self-image that I was carrying around prior to Friday?

I guess only time will tell. But I will say that I didn't overeat yesterday. In fact, I didn't snack at all until after dinner, when I had a small amount of barbecue chips (small as in I didn't sit there and eat the rest of the bag), a fudgsicle and a Smart Cow ice cream cone. That was probably one snack too many, but it was effing hot out there yesterday. I wanted that ice cream cone last night.

I'm also trying to make some changes to my eating habits today. This morning I'm just not snacking between breakfast and lunch. That's no problem. The hard part will be this afternoon - I always want to snack more in the afternoon.

But even if I do manage to stop snacking all the time, I still maintain that I will NOT count calories anymore. I will NOT deny myself foods. For instance, when I have my turkey sandwich for lunch today, I'll be having chips with it, instead of forcing myself to eat carrot sticks (I've tried and tried, but I just don't like carrots). I can still have the stuff I like - I just don't have to eat so freaking MUCH of it. You know?

Anyway. I'm holding onto that picture. I won't post it here right now, but if I actually manage to lose weight this year, maybe I'll post it later, as a "before" picture to go with a much smaller "after" picture. We'll see.

Truthfully, I just want to feel comfortable with my body again. I want to not hate the way I look. I want to feel like I can go places without having to hide all extra flesh. I want to be able to look at my pictures and my reflection in a mirror without hating what I see. Why is that so hard to achieve? Why are so many of my inner demons based on food?

Okay, it's time to end this entry now. I didn't get enough sleep last night (too hot), and I'm rambling and sounding more depressed than I really am (mostly, I'm just tired).