Good News!

I have so much good news to share today!

First, I exercised Monday, which you already know. Tuesday I planned on doing a video, but when I got home I went out and mowed the entire lawn (we had snow over the weekend, so I couldn't do it then), and by the time I was done, I was too tired to exercise, but since I had done the lawn (I have just over an acre), I didn't mind much. Last night, though, since the lawn was done, I did a half-hour video, and felt great after. Sore, but great.

As for my food, I've done pretty well! I ate too much on Tuesday, but I've been good the other days. And this morning I felt like stepping on the scale, so I did, and I'm down three pounds already this week! Woo! That made me so happy, and gave me the incentive to keep working for the rest of the week. I'd love to end with five or six pounds off this week. I know I can't expect that normally, but in the first week? I may be able to manage it. We'll see. :)

Oh, and I was just online, and Bob Seger is planning on touring this fall! Which has nothing to do with my diet, but I love Bob Seger, and he doesn't tour much. Oh how I hope we can see him! I hope he does a date somewhere close to here. Come to Central New York, Bob! (He tends to stick to the Michigan area when he does live dates. He's from there, so it makes sense, but I don't know if I can get there to see him, so I have my fingers crossed for him to come closer.)

Okay, that's all of my good news for the day. I'll let you know how my week wraps up.

What is this exercising that you speak of?

So, you know what I did last night? I got home after work, took care of the animals, put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt, plopped my laptop down on top of my TV because there is a perfect open, carpeted area in front of the TV, and I logged into my Netflix account, selected a workout DVD that I could do through their "watch instantly" feature, and then I worked out! For half an hour! This is unprecedented in my recent life, so go me!

I did a Pilates video, which was great strength training, especially for my thighs and calves. It really didn't do anything for my cardio, though, so I've chosen a different DVD for tonight, one that will get me moving around and get my heart rate up.

Exercising! Me! Weird.

I ate a bit more than I had planned yesterday, but I didn't go crazy or anything, so I'm not worried about it. I think I still did fairly well.

It kind of feels good to get my body moving again. Remind me of that later this week, when I'm sore and don't want to do it, okay? :)

Eight Weeks

Apparently after that seeing that horrible before picture (that's what I'm calling it in my mind), I needed one more piece of motivation to kick my ass into gear, and that motivation came in the mail on Friday. Jim and I have been invited to my nephew's wedding on July 3rd.

And okay, I'm a vain person. Weddings mean dressing up, they mean pictures being taken, and damn it for once I do NOT want to actively spend the wedding avoiding camera lenses and thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how much I hate my body. So obviously, this is my call to action.

I'm not using the dreaded "D" word. I avoid that. I hate those, they don't go well. I'm not doing that word ever again. I am, however, following a simple plan, which is this: eat four servings of fruits and veggies a day, cut out the junk food, try to eat a healthy dinner of a lean meat, with rice, and always have a glass of milk with dinner (for the calcium, plus I love it anyway).

Sounds simple enough, right? I'm also going to get my butt more active. Exercising is vital! I want to work out for at least 30 minutes a day, at least four days a week. Once final exams are over (they're going on this week), I'll be roller skating in the gym four or five days a week and then doing strength exercises for my arms and abs. For this week, I'll be doing videos on Netflix's website.

One more piece of the puzzle - lots of water! I usually get about six cups a day - I'm upping that to at least eight, but more is better.

That's my simple plan, and it started today. I'll let you know how it goes.

Picture After Effects

I hate to say that I was kind of down all weekend because of that picture, but it's kind of true. I mean, I didn't spend the whole weekend hiding from the world, crying my eyes out or anything. I spent some time with Jim when he was home, I laughed, I watched TV, I read my book, I did housework, I mowed the lawn, I petted and hugged on our dogs and cats. It was all pretty normal. But in the background, underneath all the normal, the thought of that picture kept popping up in my mind. I felt fatter than normal. I felt the exact opposite of sexy (and so grateful that Jim doesn't agree with that, and in fact finds me very sexy).

But throughout the weekend, while I was going about my normal business with that picture always in the back of my mind, I starting thinking that this might be the thing I needed to help me turn this all around. You know how they say people have to "hit rock bottom" before they can start to help themselves? Was this my rock bottom?

I don't know. I have learned not to make proclamations on this blog, or even in my own head. I can come on here and exclaim that I'm never going to overeat again, that I'm going to exercise five days a week, and it sounds great, but the truth is, I will overeat again, and I won't exercise five days a week every week. But I feel like I may be facing a turning point. The only question is, will I make changes? Or will I let the image of that picture fade from my mind, and go back to that more comfortable self-image that I was carrying around prior to Friday?

I guess only time will tell. But I will say that I didn't overeat yesterday. In fact, I didn't snack at all until after dinner, when I had a small amount of barbecue chips (small as in I didn't sit there and eat the rest of the bag), a fudgsicle and a Smart Cow ice cream cone. That was probably one snack too many, but it was effing hot out there yesterday. I wanted that ice cream cone last night.

I'm also trying to make some changes to my eating habits today. This morning I'm just not snacking between breakfast and lunch. That's no problem. The hard part will be this afternoon - I always want to snack more in the afternoon.

But even if I do manage to stop snacking all the time, I still maintain that I will NOT count calories anymore. I will NOT deny myself foods. For instance, when I have my turkey sandwich for lunch today, I'll be having chips with it, instead of forcing myself to eat carrot sticks (I've tried and tried, but I just don't like carrots). I can still have the stuff I like - I just don't have to eat so freaking MUCH of it. You know?

Anyway. I'm holding onto that picture. I won't post it here right now, but if I actually manage to lose weight this year, maybe I'll post it later, as a "before" picture to go with a much smaller "after" picture. We'll see.

Truthfully, I just want to feel comfortable with my body again. I want to not hate the way I look. I want to feel like I can go places without having to hide all extra flesh. I want to be able to look at my pictures and my reflection in a mirror without hating what I see. Why is that so hard to achieve? Why are so many of my inner demons based on food?

Okay, it's time to end this entry now. I didn't get enough sleep last night (too hot), and I'm rambling and sounding more depressed than I really am (mostly, I'm just tired).

The Truth is in the Picture

I have always hated having my picture taken. No matter my current weight or style, I never like the way I look in pictures (although the distance of some years can make me quite fond of those same pictures I hated when they were new). So imagine my joy when I had to pose for a picture at work today - a full body picture, showing all of my bad, bulgy parts.

The picture is for a workplace safety slideshow that our intern is putting together. The pictures were taken with my camera, so when we were done, I had no choice but to see that picture of myself, as I got them all on my computer and then on the intern's flash drive.

I.am.FAT. Oh man. There is a reason I avoid full length mirrors and pictures of myself. It's because they tell the truth. When I avoid them, I can live in denial, and enjoy a self-image that is much smaller.

And of course, I had to think that if I had just stuck with my diet last year, I would be at my goal weight right now, and I would have been nice and svelte in a pair of size 8 pants and a medium top (instead of my current 18 and extra large).

While that may be true, I'm willing to bet I would still have hated the picture. :D

My eating is still not under control. I did, however, roller skate two days this week - Tuesday and Wednesday - for about 45 minutes the first day, and almost an hour the second. Even with stops, that's pretty good, and I worked up a good sweat both days. I'm very happy that we're going to be doing this all summer (I'm thinking four days a week, when the gym is free, which it mostly will be). At least maybe I can be in better physical health by the end of the summer.

And who knows, maybe I'll get my eating under control, too. Maybe I won't hate the image cameras and mirrors show me quite as much by the end of 2010. We'll see!

Roller Girl

My friend Jamie and I had planned to skate on Tuesday and Wednesday this week - Tuesday didn't work out because an event was scheduled in the gym, but Wednesday worked fine! So at 4:45 or so I was sitting in the gym, blowing the dust and pet hair off my sad, neglected roller skates, slipping them on and tying them up.

Here are a couple of things I had forgotten about roller skating:

1. It requires your body to do actual work!
2. That work makes you breathe hard!
3. That work also makes your legs hurt like mad!

But what I didn't forget about roller skating is: it's mad amounts of fun. We need to find some way of having music in there while we're doing it, but it was a lot of fun skating around with Jamie (and his brother, once he got there to join us). I can't wait to do it again.

When I got home last night, I was exhausted and my legs were sore. But I'm so glad we decided to do it! This is exercise that I can happily do every day and never dread it. Once the semester is over and the students go home (four weeks from now), we'll be able to do it every day if we want. Yay! I love roller skating!

Roller Skating Fools

Sorry for the absence in here. I haven't really had anything good to say, so I've stayed away. I've been eating crazy - it's not under control at all. I can feel my weight coming back on. I haven't weighed myself, and I'm not looking to any time soon, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm almost back to where I was last year when I first went on the diet that had me eventually lose 20 pounds. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself.

But! If I can't get my food under control quite yet, at least I can start exercising. And my friend Jamie and I are going to start having some FUN exercise. Two days a week, to start, we're going to strap on our roller skates and skate around the gym at work. :) We'll do it after work, after the students are done with their classes (there are classrooms under the gym). Once the semester is over, we may do it more often, but for now they have things scheduled in there so much that two days a week is pretty much all we can fit in.

So, yay! Fun exercise, coming up. I'll bring my yoga pants in to wear when doing it, so I won't be in my work clothes. And I love roller skating - it's the most fun.

I'm also planning on ordering the 30 Day Shred DVD. I think I'll have enough money to order it this week, but I haven't figured out my budget yet. It might have to wait until next payday. But I'll get it, and I'll start doing that eventually, too.

And the food will get back under control soon, I'm sure. It has to!