Gah! Effing Winter Anyway

Okay, first for my weigh-in. I told you not to expect big things this week, and I wasn't exaggerating. I spent what, a week and a half eating too much? Something like that. And I'm a champion weight gainer, so after four days of being good again, I'm only at 210 - 3/4 of a pound more than I was two weeks ago. I expected that, though, so I'm not upset. You misbehave, and you pay the price. It's simple.

But I've been really good this week, sticking to my calories every day and riding that exercise bike every night. I'll tell you right now, though, that I'm giving myself a pass on that bike tonight. Why? Here's why.

I don't know if I've mentioned in here before or not that I've been giving a woman from work a ride every day since the beginning of the semester, because she fell and broke her ankle. It was her left ankle, and she drives an automatic, so really she should have been fine to drive herself, but she's older (62) and a nervous person, and she didn't feel comfortable driving herself. Which is fine. I was fine picking her up every morning and dropping her off every night. We've had no problems at all the whole time. Until this morning.

It's snowy here this morning. The roads were covered in it, and so are the driveways. Her plow guy, for some reason, doesn't like to come plow her driveway unless she calls him. She has a driveway that goes uphill, and lives in a very windy area, so as you can imagine, her driveway gets pretty bad.

So, I get there, and look up the driveway, wondering if it's a good idea to pull up it, but I do anyway. I get to the top without any problems, and she asks if she can ride with me (she went to the doctor on Wednesday, and got the all clear to put her weight on her foot, so she actually drove herself yesterday, and I just stopped to make sure she got down her stairs and into her car okay - that was the plan for today, too). But this morning the car was covered with ice, and she panicked and didn't want to be standing around the car scraping it off - she was afraid of falling. Of course, if she had just gone out 20 minutes earlier and started the car and turned on the defrosters, there wouldn't have been any scraping to do, but whatever.

Of course I said fine, you can ride with me. And I tried to turn around to get closer to her, and also to get the car aimed nose first down the driveway. And I got stuck.

Fuck! I got out and used her shovel to clear the snow away from the tires, and actually got free. I couldn't get the car to drive back straight up, so I tried to back all the way down. Only I couldn't see where the driveway ended and the lawn began (that's a problem when the driveway HASN'T BEEN PLOWED), and I got stuck AGAIN. And this time no matter how much I shoveled, I couldn't get my car free. We had to leave it there, stuck in the snow. The poor thing.

I walked back up the driveway, hot and sweaty and tired, and we started her car, finally, and scraped off the ice, and I called work to say we were going to be late, and we managed to get her car out and get to work.

She's calling AAA to tow my car out of the snowbank, and her stupid fucking plow guy came and cleared the driveway (after we were at work), so I'll be able to drive home from her house.

But I definitely got my workout this morning, and if I don't feel up to riding that bike when I get home, I don't have to. Also, is it time to go home yet? Better yet, can it magically be later than that, so I'll just already be home, with my little red car in the garage, my pajamas on? Because that sounds amazing right now.

Sigh.

Anyway, back to the diet - I'm going to continue sticking to my calorie limit, and I'm going to continue to exercise every day, and we'll see what next Friday brings. I'm hoping for about 208.

Oh, also! I did so good last night! Jim called me on his way home and said he was at McDonald's, and he knew I was being good, but did I just want a small bag of fries or something? And I said no. I turned down McDonald's! Wow. I was proud of myself. (Also, I may have to have a double cheeseburger and fries on my next cheat day.)

Okay, that's all from me for now. I'm going to go wait for my feet, socks and pants to dry out. Have a good weekend!

I lied, I have more to say. While I was reading over all of the above, the woman whose driveway my poor car is stuck in came in to say that AAA won't come to tow the car without someone being there, so she told them to come at about 4:40 - after we've left work and gotten back to her house. But of course there's no guarantee they'll come right at 4:40, so I could be sitting at her house for a little while.

I really need my weekend now, please. Thanks.

Cyst News

I was supposed to have my cyst removed this Friday, but the doctor is going to be out of the office that day, so I had to reschedule. Now I'll be waiting until March 5th - only two more weeks, so that's fine.

Although I was kind of looking forward to getting it over with. :)

So, day one of behaving went really well! I stayed to the food I had scheduled for the day, and I rode the exercise bike for 15 minutes. The bike was harder than it has been, because Jim adjusted the tension on it - is that the right word? Anyway, he made it harder. I never touch the knob (it's Jim's bike, I don't want to mess up his settings), but apparently it was on like zero resistance, so he upped it. I did turn it back down a bit (he's in much better shape than I am), but I kept more on it than I've been feeling, and that 15 minutes seemed like it would never end! And when I was done, I was feeling out of breath and tired, which really, I should feel after a workout. So I was pleased with myself.

Today is day two! I have my food all planned for the day, for the most part. Dinner is a question mark, because Jim said he might get us Subway for dinner. If he doesn't, I'll have my last piece of leftover lasagna, so either way, I'll be happy. And I'll have enough calories left for either, so it won't matter which way we go.

I'm not looking forward to that bike tonight, though! :) I am, however, looking forward to watching the last night of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! I love dog shows. The working dogs are my favorite, and their group is tonight. Woo!

Late February Pledge (to myself)

Today is February 15th, meaning there are exactly 14 days left in February (counting today). For the next 14 days, I am pledging the following:

1. I will stay within my calorie limits of 1250-1550 calories EVERY DAY, including Friday, Saturday and Sunday (my trouble times).

2. I will get my ass on the seat of our exercise bike, and I will ride it EVERY WEEKNIGHT. And when I say I will ride it, I mean I will push myself to go as fast and hard as I can, for as long as I can. And that will mean at least 15 minutes.

It's a simple pledge. It's something I've done for a lot longer than two weeks, so it should be a walk in the park. 2010 is my year! I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So, in other news, my Valentine's weekend went so well! I have the best Valentine ever in my Jim. He got me a new pair of boots that I had been coveting. He got me the latest book by Diana Gabaldon (I love the Jamie and Clare books, and I've actually planned to reread them all before reading this new one). He got me not one, not two, but three cards (he's a great card giver). He sent me the beautiful roses at work on Friday, which I spent the whole weekend carrying from room to room with me, so that they would always be in my line of sight. He took me to the movies on Saturday. And he made me lasagna and garlic bread last night for dinner! I ate two pieces of each, and then spent the night burping up cheese (lactose intolerant). I don't care, though, because it was delicious. I love lasagna!

Oh, and I made cutout sugar cookies, with homemade frosting. And I ate some. Ahem. :) Just a warning - this Friday's weigh-in may not be great. I'm looking forward to seeing what a difference two weeks of actually behaving can do for me, though.

Valentine's :)

This is not at all related to my health or my diet, but I had to share. Looky what Jim had sent to me at work today. :D



I swear, I felt every woman in the place seething with jealousy after they came. :)

He's also going to make me a lasagna dinner (with garlic bread) on Sunday, and he bought me some great boots that I can't wait to get, as well as a book that I wanted.

Am I spoiled or what?

(And I know about the gifts ahead of time because he had me try on the boots to make sure they fit. He didn't have to show me the book, but he did. I'll get them both on Sunday.)

Thank you Jim!

So Relaxed

No weigh-in today. After the week I had, I felt the need to stay away from the scale. I'll weigh in again next Friday, though.

So, I work at a college that has a massage therapy program for the students. I've never gotten a massage before, but today we had arranged for some of the students to come give chair massages to the people in our office. I just spent 15 minutes getting my back rubbed, my arms rubbed, and wow! I love it. I wish they could come every day. So amazing!

I still don't see myself ever getting a massage that I had to strip down to nothing for, but this kind? Oh yeah, they could come every day, and I'd be happy. Wow. So nice!

Also, I found out that apparently I still have an oily forehead, because the paper they put under my face was blotchy when I got up. That was slightly embarrassing, but what can you do?

Oh, and my boss was joking about how she wanted the door closed when she was in there, so no one would see her drooling. I laughed, but I had to fight to keep from drooling for real! Ha!

I'm looking forward to this weekend, too. Jim is actually off all weekend, so we get to spend both days together. We might get to go see the werewolf movie that I can't remember the name of, and he's going to make me dinner on Sunday - lasagna and garlic bread. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend, too!

A New Day Dawns

Okay, yesterday I needed to eat all day, my head just needed me to stuff food in my mouth all day long, and I was all emotional and figuratively tearing my hair out, wailing, "why can't I succeed at my diet? Why?"

And then a new day dawns, and whatever was making me stuff food in my mouth all day yesterday has gone away, and I am once again in control and doing well.

The next time I get all whiny and despair of ever losing this weight, and wonder why, why, why - remind me, will you, that these days come every so often, but they go as quick as they came?

Thanks. :)

So yes, back in control today, and kind of wishing I were at home right now, because I want to do an exercise video. Hopefully that feeling will stay with me until I get home tonight. We'll see.

Thanks for the good thoughts and comments yesterday, Sally and Melissa! I actually haven't read them yet - I was so in my head and emotional yesterday, I just couldn't. Weird, but true. I'll read them as soon as I get done here, though.

It feels good to be back in control!

Crisis

I'm having a crisis this week. I want to eat and eat, and I don't know why! I'm trying to examine my feelings and my moods, but I just don't know what the problem is. I'm not physically hungry at all, and yet I want to eat so much. Is it emotional issues? Is it hormones? I'm at the mid-point in my cycle, so it wouldn't seem like that would be it, but then maybe I'm ovulating and that's messing me up.

I have no idea.

If it's emotional, then what's my issue? Sure I gained the weight when Mom was sick and then after she died, but losing it won't make her die again, and keeping the weight on won't bring her back. Jim fell in love with me the way I am now, but he won't stop loving me if I lose weight. I know I gained some of the weight as a way to keep men away and to isolate myself because I was so afraid of facing my relationship issues, but I got past those and let Jim into my life, so I don't need to hold onto the weight out of insecurity anymore.

So what's going on? I still have no idea.

I'm not giving up, but I am struggling right now. I have to be honest about that. Losing weight, for me, is much more of an emotional struggle than a physical one. I'm trying to figure out what's in my head, so I can get past it.

Right now, though, all I want to do is eat. I'm trying not to eat too much.

Reading back over this just now, I was struck by another thought - do I think I'm not worth it? I don't know how to put this thought into words so you can understand, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If that's what it is, though, I have news for my subconscious - I AM worth it. I deserve to be healthy and fit and happy, and I deserve to feel attractive.