I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it's been to shed the "diet" mentality. I feel so free! I was surprised by how much relief I felt at no longer having to think about my food all the time. I didn't really consider any foods off limits before, or at least not many, and yet I was counting calories and thinking about every bite I put into my mouth, and worse yet, I was judging myself and chastising myself when I did "bad" on my diet, and basically just messing with myself mentally every single day. So the sudden absence of any guilt, of the over-thinking, has been a great feeling.
Now I feel like the real work is beginning. I'm not dieting anymore, and if this goes as well as I think it will, I'll never "diet" again. But I am starting to work on changing my eating habits. I have a few simple rules to follow, which I've probably already listed, but I'm going to list them here, too. Repetition isn't always a bad thing.
1. Eat when I'm hungry.
2. Stop eating when I'm full.
3. Don't eat for emotional reasons.
That's it! It's that simple. Of course, it's deceptively simple. I've been eating for emotional reasons for most of my adult life. It's going to be a very hard habit to break. It means I'm going to have to start facing my emotions and dealing with them without softening the edges of them with comfort food (junk food, usually). That is not going to be easy. But it's a challenge I have to tackle head on.
And of course, when I'm eating for non-hunger reasons, it isn't always based on emotions. Sometimes it's simple habit, or just a basic desire to keep doing something that I find pleasurable. When I have a tasty, satisfying meal, I find myself with a strong urge to follow that up with something dessert like. But if I'm full from dinner, the dessert isn't necessary, and if I want to eat a dessert, even something as simple as a cookie, then I need to just eat lighter at dinner to leave room.
I've started trying to live by these three rules, but in all honesty, the steps I've taken have been small at first. I did really well on Friday, I think - I avoided eating for any non-hunger reasons, and I didn't eat too much in my meals, I don't think. I was home on Friday for a snow day (our driveway was PACKED with heavy, wet snow up to my thighs), and I was alone for the first chunk of the day, since Jim was at work (had been from the night before). I was proud of the choices I made for breakfast and lunch, and didn't snack at all outside of those meals. For dinner I had been planning on taking us out, but my tax refund didn't come in, and Jim was tired anyway, so I made myself some rigatoni and two pieces of toast with butter and garlic powder on them (fake garlic bread, I call it). I ate my dinner with a glass of milk, and later that evening I went into the bedroom to watch a DVD, and took a 100 calorie pack of cookies with me to have as a snack. The only thing was, I was full from dinner, and imagine this, I never ate the cookies! Strange, but true.
The weekend was a little worse, simply because we kind of had a food-centric weekend. There was a big SU game on Saturday night, and we bought snacks for that, and some of those snacks bled over into Sunday, too. But that's fine, and I did make a few smart choices that I was proud of.
First, we went to Denny's Saturday for a late breakfast/early lunch. I got a cheeseburger and seasoned fries. I ate the whole cheeseburger, and ate about half of the fries - and then I pushed the plate away and took the remaining fries home. This felt like a huge thing, because I would usually have sat there saying I needed to take them home, but I would have picked and picked, and they would have been gone before we left. But I stopped eating when I was full, and took the rest home and had them for dinner.
The second good thing I did when I got home was wait before I let myself start with the snack foods we bought for the game. I was still full when I got home, and yet I wanted to dig into my Xtra Cheddar Goldfish as soon as I got them unpacked from the grocery bags. I made myself wait, though, until after dinner. I got hungry about 4:00, so I heated up my fries and then I let myself have the Goldfish when I was done with them.
So, small steps over the weekend, but today the real work begins. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's Just Food
I've been thinking a lot of what I said at the end of the last post I wrote here. I haven't had a "healthy" relationship with food for so many years - most of my life! I'd say the last point in my life where I ate when I was hungry, exercised more than I ate, and didn't feel the need to eat in response to emotions instead of physical hunger has to be back when I was a pre-teen.
I'm 40 now. That means I've been dealing with this obsession and unhealthy attitude with food for close to 30 years! It's just not good, and I can't stand it anymore.
I'm also sick to death of recording my food in Spark People every day. It's a great tool, and it's helped me to realize how much of a difference there is between what I need to eat, and how much I want to eat. But I'm sick of doing it.
I'm sick of "dieting." I'm sick of some foods being off limits. I'm sick of having to stop and think about whether or not I have enough calories left to let myself have a Skinny Cow ice cream cone at the end of the day.
I've had enough.
I'm not giving up on losing weight - not at all. But I think right now, I need to concentrate more on fixing this dysfunctional relationship with food that I have. Yesterday I looked at my stack of snacks that I keep on my desk at work (100 calorie packs, applesauce, yogurt covered raisins), and said to myself, "it's just food." And that's true. It's not going to make me happy when I'm sad, it's not going to make me any less lonely when Jim is at work and I am missing him, it's not going to make me any less bored when I have nothing to do, it's not going to make the hours at work go by any faster.
It's just food.
So I'm not weighing in for a while. I'm not counting calories for a while. I'm just going to put that stuff on the back burner for a while and focus on training myself to listen to my body to tell me what it needs. I can trust it - it knows what it's doing. My head is screwed up, but my body has always known what it needs.
When I want to snack, I'll stop and examine my motives for it. Am I hungry? If not, then what am I? Am I bored, lonely, sad? Am I eating out of habit? If the reason isn't hunger, then I need to figure out what the reason is, so I can stop just blindly shoving food in my mouth and not knowing why.
And damn it, if I want to eat French fries sometimes, if I want to get chocolate chip cookie dough and bake it, I'm going to let myself. I'll have them, I'll stop eating them when I'm full, and I'll move on.
I'll check back in with a weight in a month. Okay, a month and one day - I'll weigh in again, officially, on March 26th. And in the meantime, I'll check in and let you know how it's going. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and don't, I'll let you know. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and am not able to stop myself, I'll tell you that, too. Hopefully by the time the month is over, I'll be more in tune with my body, I'll be obsessing a little less over junk food and all of the stuff that is "off limits" and hopefully, I'll be a bit smaller. We'll see.
All I know for sure at this point is that I can't continue to live my life like this. I can't go on obsessing about food. I can't go on eating away my emotions (because it doesn't work anyway - the emotions are still there when the food is gone).
Here's to starting to develop a healthier relationship with food.
I'm 40 now. That means I've been dealing with this obsession and unhealthy attitude with food for close to 30 years! It's just not good, and I can't stand it anymore.
I'm also sick to death of recording my food in Spark People every day. It's a great tool, and it's helped me to realize how much of a difference there is between what I need to eat, and how much I want to eat. But I'm sick of doing it.
I'm sick of "dieting." I'm sick of some foods being off limits. I'm sick of having to stop and think about whether or not I have enough calories left to let myself have a Skinny Cow ice cream cone at the end of the day.
I've had enough.
I'm not giving up on losing weight - not at all. But I think right now, I need to concentrate more on fixing this dysfunctional relationship with food that I have. Yesterday I looked at my stack of snacks that I keep on my desk at work (100 calorie packs, applesauce, yogurt covered raisins), and said to myself, "it's just food." And that's true. It's not going to make me happy when I'm sad, it's not going to make me any less lonely when Jim is at work and I am missing him, it's not going to make me any less bored when I have nothing to do, it's not going to make the hours at work go by any faster.
It's just food.
So I'm not weighing in for a while. I'm not counting calories for a while. I'm just going to put that stuff on the back burner for a while and focus on training myself to listen to my body to tell me what it needs. I can trust it - it knows what it's doing. My head is screwed up, but my body has always known what it needs.
When I want to snack, I'll stop and examine my motives for it. Am I hungry? If not, then what am I? Am I bored, lonely, sad? Am I eating out of habit? If the reason isn't hunger, then I need to figure out what the reason is, so I can stop just blindly shoving food in my mouth and not knowing why.
And damn it, if I want to eat French fries sometimes, if I want to get chocolate chip cookie dough and bake it, I'm going to let myself. I'll have them, I'll stop eating them when I'm full, and I'll move on.
I'll check back in with a weight in a month. Okay, a month and one day - I'll weigh in again, officially, on March 26th. And in the meantime, I'll check in and let you know how it's going. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and don't, I'll let you know. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and am not able to stop myself, I'll tell you that, too. Hopefully by the time the month is over, I'll be more in tune with my body, I'll be obsessing a little less over junk food and all of the stuff that is "off limits" and hopefully, I'll be a bit smaller. We'll see.
All I know for sure at this point is that I can't continue to live my life like this. I can't go on obsessing about food. I can't go on eating away my emotions (because it doesn't work anyway - the emotions are still there when the food is gone).
Here's to starting to develop a healthier relationship with food.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Crampy!
It's been a crampy, pain filled week around here. I've been bloated and popping Advil and feeling like a half drowned cow.
Lovely, yes?
But the cramps are going away, the pain is receding, and I no longer feel like I'm carrying a gallon of water around in my belly fat. So, things are looking up.
Isn't it fun being a woman sometimes? :D
I stepped on the scale this morning, with it set at last week's Friday Weigh-In weight. It laughed at me and said I needed to think again, because I may have felt like I had gotten back to normal, but in reality I was still holding onto a lot of water. Or else I ate too many fries last night.
Yes, I had fries. The restaurant I do marketing for at work called and offered me food in exchange for delivering their updated menu to them. They asked if they could bribe me with food, and I said you can ALWAYS bribe me with food. And I took my chicken tenders (barbecue flavor) and fries, handed them their menus, and drooled all the way home.
In all fairness, though, I only ate two of the tenders - the rest are in the fridge for tonight's dinner. I did eat all of the fries, though. And I don't regret it - they were delicious. :)
We'll see if the scale is still laughing at me on Friday, though. Oy.
Do you ever wish you could just stop having to think about food? Do you ever wish you could just eat when you were hungry, giving your body what it was craving, without worrying about calories, carbs or fat grams? Do you ever wish you could go back to the way it was when you were a little kid, and food was something to enjoy but not something to obsess over?
Or is that just me?
Lovely, yes?
But the cramps are going away, the pain is receding, and I no longer feel like I'm carrying a gallon of water around in my belly fat. So, things are looking up.
Isn't it fun being a woman sometimes? :D
I stepped on the scale this morning, with it set at last week's Friday Weigh-In weight. It laughed at me and said I needed to think again, because I may have felt like I had gotten back to normal, but in reality I was still holding onto a lot of water. Or else I ate too many fries last night.
Yes, I had fries. The restaurant I do marketing for at work called and offered me food in exchange for delivering their updated menu to them. They asked if they could bribe me with food, and I said you can ALWAYS bribe me with food. And I took my chicken tenders (barbecue flavor) and fries, handed them their menus, and drooled all the way home.
In all fairness, though, I only ate two of the tenders - the rest are in the fridge for tonight's dinner. I did eat all of the fries, though. And I don't regret it - they were delicious. :)
We'll see if the scale is still laughing at me on Friday, though. Oy.
Do you ever wish you could just stop having to think about food? Do you ever wish you could just eat when you were hungry, giving your body what it was craving, without worrying about calories, carbs or fat grams? Do you ever wish you could go back to the way it was when you were a little kid, and food was something to enjoy but not something to obsess over?
Or is that just me?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Gah! Effing Winter Anyway
Okay, first for my weigh-in. I told you not to expect big things this week, and I wasn't exaggerating. I spent what, a week and a half eating too much? Something like that. And I'm a champion weight gainer, so after four days of being good again, I'm only at 210 - 3/4 of a pound more than I was two weeks ago. I expected that, though, so I'm not upset. You misbehave, and you pay the price. It's simple.
But I've been really good this week, sticking to my calories every day and riding that exercise bike every night. I'll tell you right now, though, that I'm giving myself a pass on that bike tonight. Why? Here's why.
I don't know if I've mentioned in here before or not that I've been giving a woman from work a ride every day since the beginning of the semester, because she fell and broke her ankle. It was her left ankle, and she drives an automatic, so really she should have been fine to drive herself, but she's older (62) and a nervous person, and she didn't feel comfortable driving herself. Which is fine. I was fine picking her up every morning and dropping her off every night. We've had no problems at all the whole time. Until this morning.
It's snowy here this morning. The roads were covered in it, and so are the driveways. Her plow guy, for some reason, doesn't like to come plow her driveway unless she calls him. She has a driveway that goes uphill, and lives in a very windy area, so as you can imagine, her driveway gets pretty bad.
So, I get there, and look up the driveway, wondering if it's a good idea to pull up it, but I do anyway. I get to the top without any problems, and she asks if she can ride with me (she went to the doctor on Wednesday, and got the all clear to put her weight on her foot, so she actually drove herself yesterday, and I just stopped to make sure she got down her stairs and into her car okay - that was the plan for today, too). But this morning the car was covered with ice, and she panicked and didn't want to be standing around the car scraping it off - she was afraid of falling. Of course, if she had just gone out 20 minutes earlier and started the car and turned on the defrosters, there wouldn't have been any scraping to do, but whatever.
Of course I said fine, you can ride with me. And I tried to turn around to get closer to her, and also to get the car aimed nose first down the driveway. And I got stuck.
Fuck! I got out and used her shovel to clear the snow away from the tires, and actually got free. I couldn't get the car to drive back straight up, so I tried to back all the way down. Only I couldn't see where the driveway ended and the lawn began (that's a problem when the driveway HASN'T BEEN PLOWED), and I got stuck AGAIN. And this time no matter how much I shoveled, I couldn't get my car free. We had to leave it there, stuck in the snow. The poor thing.
I walked back up the driveway, hot and sweaty and tired, and we started her car, finally, and scraped off the ice, and I called work to say we were going to be late, and we managed to get her car out and get to work.
She's calling AAA to tow my car out of the snowbank, and her stupid fucking plow guy came and cleared the driveway (after we were at work), so I'll be able to drive home from her house.
But I definitely got my workout this morning, and if I don't feel up to riding that bike when I get home, I don't have to. Also, is it time to go home yet? Better yet, can it magically be later than that, so I'll just already be home, with my little red car in the garage, my pajamas on? Because that sounds amazing right now.
Sigh.
Anyway, back to the diet - I'm going to continue sticking to my calorie limit, and I'm going to continue to exercise every day, and we'll see what next Friday brings. I'm hoping for about 208.
Oh, also! I did so good last night! Jim called me on his way home and said he was at McDonald's, and he knew I was being good, but did I just want a small bag of fries or something? And I said no. I turned down McDonald's! Wow. I was proud of myself. (Also, I may have to have a double cheeseburger and fries on my next cheat day.)
Okay, that's all from me for now. I'm going to go wait for my feet, socks and pants to dry out. Have a good weekend!
I lied, I have more to say. While I was reading over all of the above, the woman whose driveway my poor car is stuck in came in to say that AAA won't come to tow the car without someone being there, so she told them to come at about 4:40 - after we've left work and gotten back to her house. But of course there's no guarantee they'll come right at 4:40, so I could be sitting at her house for a little while.
I really need my weekend now, please. Thanks.
But I've been really good this week, sticking to my calories every day and riding that exercise bike every night. I'll tell you right now, though, that I'm giving myself a pass on that bike tonight. Why? Here's why.
I don't know if I've mentioned in here before or not that I've been giving a woman from work a ride every day since the beginning of the semester, because she fell and broke her ankle. It was her left ankle, and she drives an automatic, so really she should have been fine to drive herself, but she's older (62) and a nervous person, and she didn't feel comfortable driving herself. Which is fine. I was fine picking her up every morning and dropping her off every night. We've had no problems at all the whole time. Until this morning.
It's snowy here this morning. The roads were covered in it, and so are the driveways. Her plow guy, for some reason, doesn't like to come plow her driveway unless she calls him. She has a driveway that goes uphill, and lives in a very windy area, so as you can imagine, her driveway gets pretty bad.
So, I get there, and look up the driveway, wondering if it's a good idea to pull up it, but I do anyway. I get to the top without any problems, and she asks if she can ride with me (she went to the doctor on Wednesday, and got the all clear to put her weight on her foot, so she actually drove herself yesterday, and I just stopped to make sure she got down her stairs and into her car okay - that was the plan for today, too). But this morning the car was covered with ice, and she panicked and didn't want to be standing around the car scraping it off - she was afraid of falling. Of course, if she had just gone out 20 minutes earlier and started the car and turned on the defrosters, there wouldn't have been any scraping to do, but whatever.
Of course I said fine, you can ride with me. And I tried to turn around to get closer to her, and also to get the car aimed nose first down the driveway. And I got stuck.
Fuck! I got out and used her shovel to clear the snow away from the tires, and actually got free. I couldn't get the car to drive back straight up, so I tried to back all the way down. Only I couldn't see where the driveway ended and the lawn began (that's a problem when the driveway HASN'T BEEN PLOWED), and I got stuck AGAIN. And this time no matter how much I shoveled, I couldn't get my car free. We had to leave it there, stuck in the snow. The poor thing.
I walked back up the driveway, hot and sweaty and tired, and we started her car, finally, and scraped off the ice, and I called work to say we were going to be late, and we managed to get her car out and get to work.
She's calling AAA to tow my car out of the snowbank, and her stupid fucking plow guy came and cleared the driveway (after we were at work), so I'll be able to drive home from her house.
But I definitely got my workout this morning, and if I don't feel up to riding that bike when I get home, I don't have to. Also, is it time to go home yet? Better yet, can it magically be later than that, so I'll just already be home, with my little red car in the garage, my pajamas on? Because that sounds amazing right now.
Sigh.
Anyway, back to the diet - I'm going to continue sticking to my calorie limit, and I'm going to continue to exercise every day, and we'll see what next Friday brings. I'm hoping for about 208.
Oh, also! I did so good last night! Jim called me on his way home and said he was at McDonald's, and he knew I was being good, but did I just want a small bag of fries or something? And I said no. I turned down McDonald's! Wow. I was proud of myself. (Also, I may have to have a double cheeseburger and fries on my next cheat day.)
Okay, that's all from me for now. I'm going to go wait for my feet, socks and pants to dry out. Have a good weekend!
I lied, I have more to say. While I was reading over all of the above, the woman whose driveway my poor car is stuck in came in to say that AAA won't come to tow the car without someone being there, so she told them to come at about 4:40 - after we've left work and gotten back to her house. But of course there's no guarantee they'll come right at 4:40, so I could be sitting at her house for a little while.
I really need my weekend now, please. Thanks.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Cyst News
I was supposed to have my cyst removed this Friday, but the doctor is going to be out of the office that day, so I had to reschedule. Now I'll be waiting until March 5th - only two more weeks, so that's fine.
Although I was kind of looking forward to getting it over with. :)
So, day one of behaving went really well! I stayed to the food I had scheduled for the day, and I rode the exercise bike for 15 minutes. The bike was harder than it has been, because Jim adjusted the tension on it - is that the right word? Anyway, he made it harder. I never touch the knob (it's Jim's bike, I don't want to mess up his settings), but apparently it was on like zero resistance, so he upped it. I did turn it back down a bit (he's in much better shape than I am), but I kept more on it than I've been feeling, and that 15 minutes seemed like it would never end! And when I was done, I was feeling out of breath and tired, which really, I should feel after a workout. So I was pleased with myself.
Today is day two! I have my food all planned for the day, for the most part. Dinner is a question mark, because Jim said he might get us Subway for dinner. If he doesn't, I'll have my last piece of leftover lasagna, so either way, I'll be happy. And I'll have enough calories left for either, so it won't matter which way we go.
I'm not looking forward to that bike tonight, though! :) I am, however, looking forward to watching the last night of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! I love dog shows. The working dogs are my favorite, and their group is tonight. Woo!
Although I was kind of looking forward to getting it over with. :)
So, day one of behaving went really well! I stayed to the food I had scheduled for the day, and I rode the exercise bike for 15 minutes. The bike was harder than it has been, because Jim adjusted the tension on it - is that the right word? Anyway, he made it harder. I never touch the knob (it's Jim's bike, I don't want to mess up his settings), but apparently it was on like zero resistance, so he upped it. I did turn it back down a bit (he's in much better shape than I am), but I kept more on it than I've been feeling, and that 15 minutes seemed like it would never end! And when I was done, I was feeling out of breath and tired, which really, I should feel after a workout. So I was pleased with myself.
Today is day two! I have my food all planned for the day, for the most part. Dinner is a question mark, because Jim said he might get us Subway for dinner. If he doesn't, I'll have my last piece of leftover lasagna, so either way, I'll be happy. And I'll have enough calories left for either, so it won't matter which way we go.
I'm not looking forward to that bike tonight, though! :) I am, however, looking forward to watching the last night of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! I love dog shows. The working dogs are my favorite, and their group is tonight. Woo!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Late February Pledge (to myself)
Today is February 15th, meaning there are exactly 14 days left in February (counting today). For the next 14 days, I am pledging the following:
1. I will stay within my calorie limits of 1250-1550 calories EVERY DAY, including Friday, Saturday and Sunday (my trouble times).
2. I will get my ass on the seat of our exercise bike, and I will ride it EVERY WEEKNIGHT. And when I say I will ride it, I mean I will push myself to go as fast and hard as I can, for as long as I can. And that will mean at least 15 minutes.
It's a simple pledge. It's something I've done for a lot longer than two weeks, so it should be a walk in the park. 2010 is my year! I have to keep reminding myself of that.
So, in other news, my Valentine's weekend went so well! I have the best Valentine ever in my Jim. He got me a new pair of boots that I had been coveting. He got me the latest book by Diana Gabaldon (I love the Jamie and Clare books, and I've actually planned to reread them all before reading this new one). He got me not one, not two, but three cards (he's a great card giver). He sent me the beautiful roses at work on Friday, which I spent the whole weekend carrying from room to room with me, so that they would always be in my line of sight. He took me to the movies on Saturday. And he made me lasagna and garlic bread last night for dinner! I ate two pieces of each, and then spent the night burping up cheese (lactose intolerant). I don't care, though, because it was delicious. I love lasagna!
Oh, and I made cutout sugar cookies, with homemade frosting. And I ate some. Ahem. :) Just a warning - this Friday's weigh-in may not be great. I'm looking forward to seeing what a difference two weeks of actually behaving can do for me, though.
1. I will stay within my calorie limits of 1250-1550 calories EVERY DAY, including Friday, Saturday and Sunday (my trouble times).
2. I will get my ass on the seat of our exercise bike, and I will ride it EVERY WEEKNIGHT. And when I say I will ride it, I mean I will push myself to go as fast and hard as I can, for as long as I can. And that will mean at least 15 minutes.
It's a simple pledge. It's something I've done for a lot longer than two weeks, so it should be a walk in the park. 2010 is my year! I have to keep reminding myself of that.
So, in other news, my Valentine's weekend went so well! I have the best Valentine ever in my Jim. He got me a new pair of boots that I had been coveting. He got me the latest book by Diana Gabaldon (I love the Jamie and Clare books, and I've actually planned to reread them all before reading this new one). He got me not one, not two, but three cards (he's a great card giver). He sent me the beautiful roses at work on Friday, which I spent the whole weekend carrying from room to room with me, so that they would always be in my line of sight. He took me to the movies on Saturday. And he made me lasagna and garlic bread last night for dinner! I ate two pieces of each, and then spent the night burping up cheese (lactose intolerant). I don't care, though, because it was delicious. I love lasagna!
Oh, and I made cutout sugar cookies, with homemade frosting. And I ate some. Ahem. :) Just a warning - this Friday's weigh-in may not be great. I'm looking forward to seeing what a difference two weeks of actually behaving can do for me, though.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's :)
This is not at all related to my health or my diet, but I had to share. Looky what Jim had sent to me at work today. :D
I swear, I felt every woman in the place seething with jealousy after they came. :)
He's also going to make me a lasagna dinner (with garlic bread) on Sunday, and he bought me some great boots that I can't wait to get, as well as a book that I wanted.
Am I spoiled or what?
(And I know about the gifts ahead of time because he had me try on the boots to make sure they fit. He didn't have to show me the book, but he did. I'll get them both on Sunday.)
Thank you Jim!
I swear, I felt every woman in the place seething with jealousy after they came. :)
He's also going to make me a lasagna dinner (with garlic bread) on Sunday, and he bought me some great boots that I can't wait to get, as well as a book that I wanted.
Am I spoiled or what?
(And I know about the gifts ahead of time because he had me try on the boots to make sure they fit. He didn't have to show me the book, but he did. I'll get them both on Sunday.)
Thank you Jim!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)