Metamorphosis

When you start a diet with around 90 pounds to lose, the first 30 pounds can feel like just a drop in the bucket. It's a number that would be very significant for most people looking to lose some weight, but for me, 30 pounds isn't even enough to make people start noticing (except for Jim, who has been great about noticing and commenting).

And yet, it also seems to be the magic number that makes everything seem brighter, makes the total goal seem possible and makes me start to feel like I don't hate my body anymore.

For more than a decade now, since I started putting my weight back on way back in 1996 or 1997, mirrors have been my enemy. I avoided looking in them whenever possible, because I didn't like what they reflected back at me. I averted my eyes when walking into a public bathroom and finding a full length mirror. I averted my eyes when walking into a store, facing doors that were walls of reflective glass. I grimaced when I glanced out the passenger door of a car and saw my reflection in the side mirror. I avoided looking at pictures of myself at all costs, even to the point of covering my image up and just looking at whoever else was shown on the screen or the printed picture.

It was exhausting, avoiding all images and reflections of myself, but I did it for over a decade.

But now things are starting to change. As of yesterday, I have lost 30.25 pounds. I'm sliding slowly back down the scale, and I feel like I'm finding myself along the way. Here is the woman who can wear the Bob Seger shirt from the concert I went to see, that was way too small when I bought it. Here is the woman who can glance in the side mirror of Jim's car, see herself, and not grimace at how fat she looks - in fact, here is the woman who can look at herself in that side mirror and think she's actually looking physically small. Here is the woman who is happy to try on clothes that have been too small for a decade, to find that one by one, they're starting to fit.

I keep thinking about how different my feelings are on the way down the scale than they were on the way up. When I was gaining weight, 197 was a hated number, a number putting me so close to that dreaded 200. It was a sign of how badly I had done, of what a horrible place I was in, emotionally and physically. I was eating out of grief, hoping the food would ease the pain of losing my mother. Of course, it didn't - all it did was make me feel even worse as the scale climbed higher and my image became something to avoid at all costs. But now 197 is a victory! I've been under 200 pounds for weeks, and instead of climbing back over 200, I'm slowly climbing further under it. My image is slimming down, my old self is coming back a tiny bit at a time. With every pound that falls off the scale, I return even more fully back to the body I used to love, that I used to enjoy dressing.

Of course, I have a long way to go yet. Thirty pounds have fallen, but there are still 57 to go before I get to goal. But I know, now, that it is possible. I know, now, that it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there - I will see 140 pounds on the scale again, if not this year than next. And with every pound that falls, I'll feel stronger, happier, and more able to face what life hands me. It's just 30 pounds, but it's so much more than that. It's my life, made better and happier. My body is changing, but so is my mind. And it feels fucking great!

Finally!

I've been measuring smaller every week, but the scale has been sticking to a range of 200.5 and 202 or so. But I kept going, counting calories and using the elliptical and staying on course. And this morning it finally happened!

I weigh 199.75! Woo!! You may all celebrate with me now. :)

Small Milestone and Progress Update

See? The blog isn't dead. :)

Two weeks ago I decided I needed help getting this weight loss thing moving, so after checking out some online weight loss programs, and then getting an e-mail about a reduced rate on Jillian Michael's site, I decided to join it. And I'm so glad I did!

Her site has laid out a diet for me, which I don't use because I'm far too picky to like the foods they pick for me. But I did go through it and take some tips on what to eat with my meals, and I try to stick to the calorie limit they gave me and try to eat healthy.

More importantly, though, it lays out an exercise program for me. Four days a week (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) I do circuit training, combining cardio with strength training, and then on Saturday I do cardio. And it's working so well! I can feel my body shrinking and my clothes getting looser. I can see it working, also, because I measure myself every week, and I've lost more than four inches over all in two weeks! Woo!

And here is another great thing - I've lost seven pounds in the last two weeks, and have finally gotten over 20 pounds lost! As of yesterday morning, I have lost 20.5 pounds! Woo!

So, I wanted to let you know, things are going well. I weighed 207 yesterday, and am looking to be under 200 pounds in the next two or three weeks. When I make it, I'll be back to let you know, so you can celebrate with me!

A Note

Hello all!

I didn't weigh in this week. Jim was on vacation last week, and I indulged with him this weekend, and I just wasn't about to step on the scale this Monday. I'm back at it, though, and actually got up before work to exercise yesterday! I don't think that has ever happened in my full-time working life. It's something I'd like to make a habit. I like getting the exercise out of the way early, plus it put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day, and made it easy to make good choices with my food.

Here's the thing about this blog, though. I don't think I'm interested in writing it anymore. I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm still going to work every day to make permanent life style changes. But I don't seem to have any interest in writing in here, which means the blog has outlived its purpose.

I'm not going to completely close it down, though. I think I'd like to be able to pop in from time to time, to give updates on how I'm doing, and maybe to post some progress pictures. So if you'd keep me in your RSS feeds, I'd be happy to have you around to check in when I do update in the future. Just don't expect me here every week anymore.

I just want to say thank you to those of you who read this. I have appreciated all of your supportive comments, and the way you've poked me to update when I've delayed. I'm so glad you'll still be out there rooting me on, even though I won't be in here every week telling you how I've been doing. I appreciate every one of you.

Good Weight Loss and Good Attitude

Thank goodness, I finally got my head back into the game on Wednesday. After my realization of what was probably my road block, stopping me from wanting to get under 200 pounds, and then watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and being totally inspired by one of the women on the show, I got my good attitude back and am working hard again! I've been on the elliptical and I've kept my calories at a reasonable level for the most part. Even this weekend, when anything could have happened - Jim is on vacation, and we went to see Bob Seger in concert on Saturday night, at a venue that was about 3.5 hours away - I still managed to keep my calories under my limit. I wasn't eating healthy foods, but at least I wasn't going crazy and eating anything I wanted, either.

And today I'm back with a good weight loss total to share! This morning when I stepped on the scale, I was 210.5, down from 214 on Wednesday morning. Not bad! I can just feel 199 out there waiting for me to reach it, and I am eager to get there!

My goal for today is to rehydrate - I didn't drink nearly enough water this weekend. In fact on Saturday, to make sure I wouldn't have to use the restroom at the arena where the concert was held, I didn't drink any water at all, except for a little bit that morning. I drank more yesterday, but I am still very low - I'll be making up for that today.

And of course my goal is to keep my calories low, but with healthier foods than what I ate the last couple of days. It'll be easy to do, now that I'm back to the routine of work.

Anyway, a good weight loss and a good attitude, yay! I'm so happy to be back on track!

Possible Breakthrough?

I’m struggling. There is an internal battle going on, at a level so deep I don’t even know who the combatants are, much less what the conflict was that led to the battle starting in the first place.

Confused? So am I.

The facts are this: I’ve pretty much given up on losing weight. For the last month and a half I’ve eaten what I’ve wanted to most days. I haven’t worked out on a regular basis. My conscious mind keeps saying the right things, about needing to get it under control, needing to eat less, needing to work out. But then as soon as I say that I’ll eat cheese and crackers with Jim, or I’ll stop at the store and get a bag of chips and eat them all in one day. I sabotage myself before I even drop one more pound. I’ve been sticking to a weight of 213-215 since, what, mid-February? And now it’s April 4th, and I’m still right there in that two pound range. I wish I could say it was just a plateau, but it’s not. It’s me. I’m killing the weight loss before my pounds lost can get any bigger. But why?

I honestly have no idea. I know there must be some emotional, internal reason. There is something in my head that is fighting to stay over 200 pounds. I only need to lose about 14 pounds to finally see a number on that scale that starts with a 1 instead of a 2, but I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening.

I’ve floated some theories around in my head, but I’m not sure that any of them click. Here they are, though, so you can play along.

Theory number one: I met Jim when I was about 206 pounds, and he fell in love with me there, and as I steadily gained back up to about 220. What if I get under 206 and he doesn’t love me anymore?

Obviously I know this is crap. He loves me, not my weight, and he’ll love me no matter what I weigh. And since I know this, how can it be what’s making me sabotage my every weight loss attempt?

Theory number two: I gained this weight when Mom was sick and then when she died. What if some internal part of my brain associates the weight with the pain of that horrible grief, the grief that quite literally almost killed me? What if it thinks losing the weight will somehow cause me to feel that grief again?

This one could be true. I actually have never written it out that clearly before. When I’ve thought of this reason, I’ve always wondered what exactly my brain could be fearing from the weight loss if it’s associated with her death. I mean, losing the weight won’t cause her to die again or make the feelings I went through at that time any less valid. But okay, I could see where some small part of my brain could be protecting me from feeling that loss again, if it associates the weight with that time of my life. I went through three horrible, stressful, depression filled years before I finally pulled through and found peace and a way to be happy again. I started that journey weighing around 175 or 185, I guess, and ended it weighing around 220. That could be why I’ve gotten to 213 and gotten stuck. At this weight and for about 30 or 40 pounds below it, there were very bad things happening. I have no desire to ever feel that bad again.

Okay, if this is true, here I am telling my inner fearful brain to get over it. Losing the weight will not make me grieve for my mother all over again! I have felt that pain, I survived it, I got through it, and I will never have to feel it again, at least not for her. I hope to never lose another person I love ever again as long as I live (I hope that for us all, even though I know it’s a futile hope), but no matter what, I will never have to feel that fresh grief for the loss of my mother ever again! It’s done. Losing the weight I gained during that time will NOT bring back the pain.

Wow. Okay. See what writing stuff out does for me? I never would have thought so clearly about that theory if I hadn’t written it out.

Are there even any more theories? Yes.

Theory number three: I initially started gaining weight, many years ago, because I was insecure and had really bad self-esteem and thought I could never have a real relationship with a man. So I gained weight, because I felt like if I was fat, no man would want me anyway, and I wouldn’t have to face whatever issues I had when it came to real intimacy with a man.

Okay, I faced this issue in 2006, when I almost broke up with Jim out of fear. I faced it, I dealt with it, I got through it, and the best man in the world, the man who loves me the way I always dreamed of being loved, is here with me now because I did that. So, problem resolved, and this one doesn’t hold water anymore.

And that’s all I had, I think, and I really think I might have hit it on the head with number two up there. Losing your mother is a huge deal, people, and never let anyone tell you it isn’t. I remember thinking my mother was carrying on a bit too long about the grief she felt when her mother died, and for that I would like to apologize to her. She was right – I had no idea until I went through it myself. The grief knocked me to the ground and stomped on me until I had my very first suicidal thought, one dark day in 2002 (two full years after she had died). I made it through, thank goodness, and now I just have to let it sink in to that deep, fearful part of my brain.

Losing this weight and getting under 200 pounds will not make that grief return! It is safe to let this weight go! It’s not doing me any good!

Okay. Thank you for reading along as I worked out my mental issues. This entry is very wordy, but it was a useful one, I think! Now maybe I can put my feet back on track and show a real loss a week from today. I’ll start with some time on the elliptical tonight!

Vacation Damage

I had a week of vacation, which was so nice! I loved not having to work this last week. However, for me, vacation seemed to mean not having to count calories, and I really don't feel like getting on the scale this week, so there won't be a weigh in. I'll be back for that next week.

I did, however, think of something this morning to help motivate me to do better. Thanks to Willow's vet bill, I won't be having any extra money for a good long while. Even when I get done paying Jim back for the amount he paid toward her bill, I'll still have to save enough to buy Jim's wedding ring and to buy my clothes and jewelry for the wedding. So I'm thinking I'll be pretty broke right up until October or so. And I need a haircut desperately. My hair is too long and is getting split ends, and it needs to have about four or five inches cut off.

So, I asked Jim if he would give me money for a haircut when I get under 200 pounds, and he said yes. Yay! So maybe I can make that happen in the next few weeks. I hope so!

Also, I have no idea what is going on with my scale. It's an old doctor's scale, and it seems to fluctuate so much as to be completely unreliable. On Wednesday I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical, and I weighed myself before I left, wearing exactly what I would be wearing at the doctor's. I weighed three pounds more here than I did there (and the doctor was happy, because my weight was down six pounds since the last time I was there, which would have been in December, when I was going through the heart palpitations). So I came home and happily adjusted my scale to read three pounds smaller. Then Gracie (my cat) got on the scale and sat down this morning while I was in there, so I weighed her, and it said she only weighed 5.5 pounds. I know for a fact she weighs 9 - 9.5 pounds. So what the heck? I don't know what to believe anymore, and am this close to buying a cheap bathroom scale to replace it.

Anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow, which means back to being good, so I'll weigh in next Monday, and every Monday after that until I get under 200 pounds and can get that haircut. Woo!