30 Days of Denise

Metamorphosis

2011-07-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

When you start a diet with around 90 pounds to lose, the first 30 pounds can feel like just a drop in the bucket. It's a number that would be very significant for most people looking to lose some weight, but for me, 30 pounds isn't even enough to make people start noticing (except for Jim, who has been great about noticing and commenting).

And yet, it also seems to be the magic number that makes everything seem brighter, makes the total goal seem possible and makes me start to feel like I don't hate my body anymore.

For more than a decade now, since I started putting my weight back on way back in 1996 or 1997, mirrors have been my enemy. I avoided looking in them whenever possible, because I didn't like what they reflected back at me. I averted my eyes when walking into a public bathroom and finding a full length mirror. I averted my eyes when walking into a store, facing doors that were walls of reflective glass. I grimaced when I glanced out the passenger door of a car and saw my reflection in the side mirror. I avoided looking at pictures of myself at all costs, even to the point of covering my image up and just looking at whoever else was shown on the screen or the printed picture.

It was exhausting, avoiding all images and reflections of myself, but I did it for over a decade.

But now things are starting to change. As of yesterday, I have lost 30.25 pounds. I'm sliding slowly back down the scale, and I feel like I'm finding myself along the way. Here is the woman who can wear the Bob Seger shirt from the concert I went to see, that was way too small when I bought it. Here is the woman who can glance in the side mirror of Jim's car, see herself, and not grimace at how fat she looks - in fact, here is the woman who can look at herself in that side mirror and think she's actually looking physically small. Here is the woman who is happy to try on clothes that have been too small for a decade, to find that one by one, they're starting to fit.

I keep thinking about how different my feelings are on the way down the scale than they were on the way up. When I was gaining weight, 197 was a hated number, a number putting me so close to that dreaded 200. It was a sign of how badly I had done, of what a horrible place I was in, emotionally and physically. I was eating out of grief, hoping the food would ease the pain of losing my mother. Of course, it didn't - all it did was make me feel even worse as the scale climbed higher and my image became something to avoid at all costs. But now 197 is a victory! I've been under 200 pounds for weeks, and instead of climbing back over 200, I'm slowly climbing further under it. My image is slimming down, my old self is coming back a tiny bit at a time. With every pound that falls off the scale, I return even more fully back to the body I used to love, that I used to enjoy dressing.

Of course, I have a long way to go yet. Thirty pounds have fallen, but there are still 57 to go before I get to goal. But I know, now, that it is possible. I know, now, that it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there - I will see 140 pounds on the scale again, if not this year than next. And with every pound that falls, I'll feel stronger, happier, and more able to face what life hands me. It's just 30 pounds, but it's so much more than that. It's my life, made better and happier. My body is changing, but so is my mind. And it feels fucking great!

Finally!

2011-06-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

I've been measuring smaller every week, but the scale has been sticking to a range of 200.5 and 202 or so. But I kept going, counting calories and using the elliptical and staying on course. And this morning it finally happened!

I weigh 199.75! Woo!! You may all celebrate with me now. :)

Small Milestone and Progress Update

2011-05-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

See? The blog isn't dead. :)

Two weeks ago I decided I needed help getting this weight loss thing moving, so after checking out some online weight loss programs, and then getting an e-mail about a reduced rate on Jillian Michael's site, I decided to join it. And I'm so glad I did!

Her site has laid out a diet for me, which I don't use because I'm far too picky to like the foods they pick for me. But I did go through it and take some tips on what to eat with my meals, and I try to stick to the calorie limit they gave me and try to eat healthy.

More importantly, though, it lays out an exercise program for me. Four days a week (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) I do circuit training, combining cardio with strength training, and then on Saturday I do cardio. And it's working so well! I can feel my body shrinking and my clothes getting looser. I can see it working, also, because I measure myself every week, and I've lost more than four inches over all in two weeks! Woo!

And here is another great thing - I've lost seven pounds in the last two weeks, and have finally gotten over 20 pounds lost! As of yesterday morning, I have lost 20.5 pounds! Woo!

So, I wanted to let you know, things are going well. I weighed 207 yesterday, and am looking to be under 200 pounds in the next two or three weeks. When I make it, I'll be back to let you know, so you can celebrate with me!

A Note

2011-04-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

I didn't weigh in this week. Jim was on vacation last week, and I indulged with him this weekend, and I just wasn't about to step on the scale this Monday. I'm back at it, though, and actually got up before work to exercise yesterday! I don't think that has ever happened in my full-time working life. It's something I'd like to make a habit. I like getting the exercise out of the way early, plus it put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day, and made it easy to make good choices with my food.

Here's the thing about this blog, though. I don't think I'm interested in writing it anymore. I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm still going to work every day to make permanent life style changes. But I don't seem to have any interest in writing in here, which means the blog has outlived its purpose.

I'm not going to completely close it down, though. I think I'd like to be able to pop in from time to time, to give updates on how I'm doing, and maybe to post some progress pictures. So if you'd keep me in your RSS feeds, I'd be happy to have you around to check in when I do update in the future. Just don't expect me here every week anymore.

I just want to say thank you to those of you who read this. I have appreciated all of your supportive comments, and the way you've poked me to update when I've delayed. I'm so glad you'll still be out there rooting me on, even though I won't be in here every week telling you how I've been doing. I appreciate every one of you.

Good Weight Loss and Good Attitude

2011-04-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness, I finally got my head back into the game on Wednesday. After my realization of what was probably my road block, stopping me from wanting to get under 200 pounds, and then watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and being totally inspired by one of the women on the show, I got my good attitude back and am working hard again! I've been on the elliptical and I've kept my calories at a reasonable level for the most part. Even this weekend, when anything could have happened - Jim is on vacation, and we went to see Bob Seger in concert on Saturday night, at a venue that was about 3.5 hours away - I still managed to keep my calories under my limit. I wasn't eating healthy foods, but at least I wasn't going crazy and eating anything I wanted, either.

And today I'm back with a good weight loss total to share! This morning when I stepped on the scale, I was 210.5, down from 214 on Wednesday morning. Not bad! I can just feel 199 out there waiting for me to reach it, and I am eager to get there!

My goal for today is to rehydrate - I didn't drink nearly enough water this weekend. In fact on Saturday, to make sure I wouldn't have to use the restroom at the arena where the concert was held, I didn't drink any water at all, except for a little bit that morning. I drank more yesterday, but I am still very low - I'll be making up for that today.

And of course my goal is to keep my calories low, but with healthier foods than what I ate the last couple of days. It'll be easy to do, now that I'm back to the routine of work.

Anyway, a good weight loss and a good attitude, yay! I'm so happy to be back on track!

Possible Breakthrough?

2011-04-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

I’m struggling. There is an internal battle going on, at a level so deep I don’t even know who the combatants are, much less what the conflict was that led to the battle starting in the first place.

Confused? So am I.

The facts are this: I’ve pretty much given up on losing weight. For the last month and a half I’ve eaten what I’ve wanted to most days. I haven’t worked out on a regular basis. My conscious mind keeps saying the right things, about needing to get it under control, needing to eat less, needing to work out. But then as soon as I say that I’ll eat cheese and crackers with Jim, or I’ll stop at the store and get a bag of chips and eat them all in one day. I sabotage myself before I even drop one more pound. I’ve been sticking to a weight of 213-215 since, what, mid-February? And now it’s April 4th, and I’m still right there in that two pound range. I wish I could say it was just a plateau, but it’s not. It’s me. I’m killing the weight loss before my pounds lost can get any bigger. But why?

I honestly have no idea. I know there must be some emotional, internal reason. There is something in my head that is fighting to stay over 200 pounds. I only need to lose about 14 pounds to finally see a number on that scale that starts with a 1 instead of a 2, but I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening.

I’ve floated some theories around in my head, but I’m not sure that any of them click. Here they are, though, so you can play along.

Theory number one: I met Jim when I was about 206 pounds, and he fell in love with me there, and as I steadily gained back up to about 220. What if I get under 206 and he doesn’t love me anymore?

Obviously I know this is crap. He loves me, not my weight, and he’ll love me no matter what I weigh. And since I know this, how can it be what’s making me sabotage my every weight loss attempt?

Theory number two: I gained this weight when Mom was sick and then when she died. What if some internal part of my brain associates the weight with the pain of that horrible grief, the grief that quite literally almost killed me? What if it thinks losing the weight will somehow cause me to feel that grief again?

This one could be true. I actually have never written it out that clearly before. When I’ve thought of this reason, I’ve always wondered what exactly my brain could be fearing from the weight loss if it’s associated with her death. I mean, losing the weight won’t cause her to die again or make the feelings I went through at that time any less valid. But okay, I could see where some small part of my brain could be protecting me from feeling that loss again, if it associates the weight with that time of my life. I went through three horrible, stressful, depression filled years before I finally pulled through and found peace and a way to be happy again. I started that journey weighing around 175 or 185, I guess, and ended it weighing around 220. That could be why I’ve gotten to 213 and gotten stuck. At this weight and for about 30 or 40 pounds below it, there were very bad things happening. I have no desire to ever feel that bad again.

Okay, if this is true, here I am telling my inner fearful brain to get over it. Losing the weight will not make me grieve for my mother all over again! I have felt that pain, I survived it, I got through it, and I will never have to feel it again, at least not for her. I hope to never lose another person I love ever again as long as I live (I hope that for us all, even though I know it’s a futile hope), but no matter what, I will never have to feel that fresh grief for the loss of my mother ever again! It’s done. Losing the weight I gained during that time will NOT bring back the pain.

Wow. Okay. See what writing stuff out does for me? I never would have thought so clearly about that theory if I hadn’t written it out.

Are there even any more theories? Yes.

Theory number three: I initially started gaining weight, many years ago, because I was insecure and had really bad self-esteem and thought I could never have a real relationship with a man. So I gained weight, because I felt like if I was fat, no man would want me anyway, and I wouldn’t have to face whatever issues I had when it came to real intimacy with a man.

Okay, I faced this issue in 2006, when I almost broke up with Jim out of fear. I faced it, I dealt with it, I got through it, and the best man in the world, the man who loves me the way I always dreamed of being loved, is here with me now because I did that. So, problem resolved, and this one doesn’t hold water anymore.

And that’s all I had, I think, and I really think I might have hit it on the head with number two up there. Losing your mother is a huge deal, people, and never let anyone tell you it isn’t. I remember thinking my mother was carrying on a bit too long about the grief she felt when her mother died, and for that I would like to apologize to her. She was right – I had no idea until I went through it myself. The grief knocked me to the ground and stomped on me until I had my very first suicidal thought, one dark day in 2002 (two full years after she had died). I made it through, thank goodness, and now I just have to let it sink in to that deep, fearful part of my brain.

Losing this weight and getting under 200 pounds will not make that grief return! It is safe to let this weight go! It’s not doing me any good!

Okay. Thank you for reading along as I worked out my mental issues. This entry is very wordy, but it was a useful one, I think! Now maybe I can put my feet back on track and show a real loss a week from today. I’ll start with some time on the elliptical tonight!

Vacation Damage

2011-03-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

I had a week of vacation, which was so nice! I loved not having to work this last week. However, for me, vacation seemed to mean not having to count calories, and I really don't feel like getting on the scale this week, so there won't be a weigh in. I'll be back for that next week.

I did, however, think of something this morning to help motivate me to do better. Thanks to Willow's vet bill, I won't be having any extra money for a good long while. Even when I get done paying Jim back for the amount he paid toward her bill, I'll still have to save enough to buy Jim's wedding ring and to buy my clothes and jewelry for the wedding. So I'm thinking I'll be pretty broke right up until October or so. And I need a haircut desperately. My hair is too long and is getting split ends, and it needs to have about four or five inches cut off.

So, I asked Jim if he would give me money for a haircut when I get under 200 pounds, and he said yes. Yay! So maybe I can make that happen in the next few weeks. I hope so!

Also, I have no idea what is going on with my scale. It's an old doctor's scale, and it seems to fluctuate so much as to be completely unreliable. On Wednesday I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical, and I weighed myself before I left, wearing exactly what I would be wearing at the doctor's. I weighed three pounds more here than I did there (and the doctor was happy, because my weight was down six pounds since the last time I was there, which would have been in December, when I was going through the heart palpitations). So I came home and happily adjusted my scale to read three pounds smaller. Then Gracie (my cat) got on the scale and sat down this morning while I was in there, so I weighed her, and it said she only weighed 5.5 pounds. I know for a fact she weighs 9 - 9.5 pounds. So what the heck? I don't know what to believe anymore, and am this close to buying a cheap bathroom scale to replace it.

Anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow, which means back to being good, so I'll weigh in next Monday, and every Monday after that until I get under 200 pounds and can get that haircut. Woo!

Willow and Her Cone

2011-03-14T15:28:00.001-07:00

I found a different cable to work with my camera, so as promised, pictures of Willow and her stubby tail, with bonus images of Bernie, who is laying with her on the futon.

Weigh In and Willow

2011-03-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

So, I did well last week! When I tell my weight, it'll look like I didn't lose much from my last weigh-in, but after a month of more cheat days than good days, I had gained some. So...

On Monday, March 7th I weighed 219.5. (I told you I was bad for the last month.)

On Sunday, March 13th I weighed 213.75. Woo! I lost almost six pounds in a week. THAT'S how good I did this last week. :)

Of course, I'm still way behind where I should be, but I'll catch up over the next couple of months. And I'll be back next week with another weigh in.

Oh, and I was going to post some pictures of Willow, but I seem to have left the cable for my camera at work. :( So I'll have to wait to show those to you later (I'm on vacation this week). But just know she's doing well. I'm giving her pain medicine three times a day, and she's doing very well wearing the cone. Jim and I are very impressed with her. I'll take her later this week to get the bandage on her tail changed, and we'll see then how it's doing. Hopefully it'll be healing well.

Willa Billa

2011-03-12T10:27:00.001-08:00

When I adopted Willow in August, 2005, I had no idea what I was getting into. For three days she was the perfect dog - calm, easy going, affectionate. And then she ran out of the pain pills she was on after she got spayed.

The Willow I have known, loved and sometimes wanted to murder in the years since is nervous, edgy, neurotic and desperately wishes she were the only animal in the house. But she's also loving and affectionate, and just wants to be with me or Jim as much as possible. We both love the stuffing out of her. The fact that I do love the stuffing out of her, though, made it very hard to get through this morning.

You see, Willow's neurotic nature has sometimes shown itself in a rather unpleasant way - self-mutilation. She sometimes goes through periods where she chews on the tip of her tail whenever we're not home with her, or even when we're sleeping. She chews the hair off, she chews at the skin until she bleeds, and this last time she even tore the skin off so it was basically degloved. Prior to this, she's always stopped before any real damage has been done, then the tail has healed and the hair has come back. This time she didn't stop, and her tail was in horrible shape, so I took her to the vet.

Her first visit for this was two weeks ago. They gave her antibiotics, cleaned her tail and wrapped it up so that she couldn't go after it, and sent us home. Today was her recheck. I was very much hoping that her tail would be healed, and she would be fine, but it wasn't. They took the bandages off, and her tail was obviously very infected, despite the antibiotics. It looked and smelled horrible. They have to amputate the end of her tail. :(

So now she's at the vet, and I'm home, worrying about how she's doing, wondering how I'm going to get her adjusted to wearing an Elizabethan collar (new things make her very nervous, and she basically lost her mind when they put it on her at the vet's office), and of course wishing she could have just left her tail alone in the first place. Poor Willa Billa.

Keep her in your thoughts today, okay? She's a crazy, neurotic, spastic mess of a dog, but she's ours, and we love her.

Change of Plans

2011-03-06T16:16:00.001-08:00

Okay, here's the thing. I can't be trusted with monthly weigh-ins. I thought I needed to step away from the scale to make it lose its hold over me. Plus I liked the idea of stepping on the scale after four weeks of being good, and seeing the number drop maybe 10 pounds from what it was. But here's what I hadn't considered - I'm a procrastinator. Give me four weeks to do a job, and I'll wait until the last week - even the last few days, if I think I can get away with it - before I'll even start to work on it.

The very first week of this 28 day period - shit, the very first DAY of this 28 day period - I was already telling myself that I didn't have to weigh in for four weeks! I could eat extra and it wouldn't matter! I had been sticking to 1300-1400 calories per day before that. As soon as I started this 28 day challenge, the number crept up into the 1500s. If I stayed within my calorie range at all, that is - most days I didn't.

So yeah, two weeks later I'm here to admit that I've had a very bad two weeks. For every one day that I've stayed in my range, there have been easily three days that I haven't. A four week lapse between weigh-ins is not a good idea for me.

And so I'm here to say that weekly weigh-ins are coming back. I'm not weighing in tomorrow, because frankly I don't even want to know how much damage I've done. But I'll be back weighing in next Monday. And I'll be here every Monday from there on out. I need a deadline to keep me honest! And that deadline can't be more than a week away, apparently.

So, for the next week, I'll be doing the five parts of my 28 day challenge, and I'll try to post my results in here every day. I can't guarantee I'll always remember, but I'll try. And I'll weigh in on Monday to show how I've done.

Here's to a better week, full of exercise, calorie control, and a lot more discipline.

Wednesday

2011-03-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

Another day, another post! I'm on a roll!

Today's stats:

Calories: 1494
Fruit: An apple and a banana
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: 22 minutes on the elliptical
Scale: nope!

Tuesday This Week

2011-03-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Woo! Here are my results for the day:

Calories: 1471
Fruit: One apple
Water: 8 1/2 cups
Exercise: 21.5 minutes on the elliptical
Scale: Nope. :)

A little better on the calories today - I like the number being in the 1300s or 1400s. Better on the elliptical. It's amazing how much ground I lost in a month and a half of not going to the gym! I did fine today as far as my cardiovascular system was concerned, but my thighs got very sore. I'll get back there soon enough. If I did 21 1/2 minutes tonight, maybe I can do 25 tomorrow.

So, a good day! Here's to another one tomorrow.

Monday Again

2011-02-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Look at me, back at the end of the day to tell you how I did! Hee.

Here's how I did today!

Calories: 1528. High end of my range, but under my upper limit, so I'm happy. :)

Fruit: A banana with lunch.

Exercise: I managed to get through almost 15 minutes on the new elliptical that Jim bought us yesterday. Yay, new elliptical! Boo, not working out for a month and a half (the bike doesn't count, apparently, since it never got me that short of breath or got my heart rate that high) means that 15 minutes on the elliptical kicks my butt. I'll be back on it tomorrow, though.

Water: If I finish what's in front of me, I'll be over 9 cups today. Yay!

Scale: I didn't step so much as a single toe on it.

Weekly Wrap Up

2011-02-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

So, week one of my 28 Day Challenge is over, and how did I do? Well, uh...yeah, not very well. Here are my five daily challenges, with a breakdown of how I did on each:

1. Eat in my calorie range every day. Um, not so much. Did I at all this week? I think so, but barely. Let's just say I was not very good at saying no to myself this week.

2. Drink at last 8 glasses of water every day. I did great on this Monday - Friday. I even managed to get all eight glasses in while I was at work, and then got a couple more in at night when I got home. Yesterday and today, I only got about four cups, so I still have to work on the weekend water drinking.

3. Don't step on the scale. I got on it twice. And I'm rethinking this one anyway. A lot of my overeating happened because my mind was here: if I don't have to weigh in for four weeks, then I can overeat today! I'll still have so many more days to be good before I have to step on the scale! Um, not good. I'm sticking to the weighing in once a month for now, but after this 28 days is over, I might switch back to every week. We'll see. I like the idea of seeing a big loss after four weeks, but if it makes me think I can do badly for the first week or two, then I'm shooting myself in my own foot.

4. Exercise every day. I worked out at least three days, so I did okay on this one. It wasn't every day, but it was more than I've been doing. And I'll do even better this next week, because Jim bought us an elliptical today! He got it all together and we tested it out a bit tonight, and it works just as well as the expensive one the gym had, and it's right in my own living room. Yay! I'll start using it tomorrow after work.

5. Eat at least one piece of fruit per day. I actually did okay on this one, too! I ate at least one piece of fruit every day except yesterday and today. Not bad!

Okay, so a so so first week, but week two will be better. And I'll try to be better at coming in here and updating every day, to keep myself honest. :) So I'll see you tomorrow night!

End of Day One

2011-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

I am so very tired. It's 7:28 p.m. and I feel like it's the middle of the night, I'm so tired. I don't think I'm going to be up very much longer.

That being said, here are today's stats!

Calories: 1500. Higher than I would normally do on a weekday, but did I mention I was tired? Really, the fact that I managed to do this well is amazing to me.

Exercise: I did 15 minutes on the bike, then when I felt like I would lose my mind from boredom (I was watching TV while doing it, but exercise machines just aren't fun no matter what), I took a break and did my floor work - crunches and buttock tucks. Then I got back on the bike and did 15 minutes again. Woo! Considering how tired I was (am), I'm very happy with that.

Fruit: I ate a Fruit Naturals cup of mandarin oranges.

Water: I'm working on cup number seven - one more to go. I'll make sure to get it in before I hit the bed and hopefully sleep like the dead. Or sleep like a babe, since that sounds less horrible.

Scale: I didn't go anywhere near it. :)

28 Day Plan

2011-02-21T00:28:00.000-08:00

It's currently 3:28 a.m. I went to bed at 10:00, and have been laying here awake ever since. Oh insomnia, why do you only hit on work nights? Seriously, now I'm going to have to call in (I don't know about you, but I can't work on no sleep - I can't even type a sentence in here without making a ton of mistakes, so assuming I was able to drive myself to work without killing myself in a car accident, I'd be making stupid mistakes all day, so no thanks).

Anyway. I came up with a plan last night, before I went to bed and never went to sleep. The name of this blog is 30 Days of Denise, because when I started it, I was chronicling a 30 day challenge of basically behaving on my diet and not messing up at all. I succeeded, and then never did that many days in a row again. Well, I'm going to change that, because while I've been doing well on weekdays, for the most part, I have been falling apart on weekends, and it can't continue. I have a deadline here, people! I can't screw around anymore, not even for a day or two on the weekends.

So, here's the plan I came up with, while I was failing to get to sleep. For 28 days in a row (less than the 30 in my blog title, but oh well - an even four weeks is just easier to keep track of), I will do the following:

*Eat between 1200 and 1550 calories per day (the amount Spark People tells me I should eat in order to lose weight).

*Exercise - cardio for half an hour, and then floor exercises to strengthen my abs, butt and legs, plus hand weight or resistance band work for my arms (every day for the cardio and floor work, every other day for the weight work).

*Eat at least one piece of fruit. Okay, this may sound like a no brainer for most of you, but even though I like apples, bananas, strawberries, mandarin oranges and orange juice, if given the choice between any of those and a granola bar as a snack, I'll take the granola bar every time. I need to work on getting more fruit into my diet.

*Drink at least 8 glasses of water every day. This is usually an easy one for me, except on the weekend. Then I allow myself a soda or two, and the water doesn't happen. It's time to change that. I can still have a weekend day soda if I want, but it has to come in addition to the water, not in place of it.

*Don't step on the scale until the 28 days are over! This may well be the hardest one for me. When I'm not doing well, I have no problem staying away from the scale. Who wants to see their weight go up? Not me. But when I'm doing well, I want to see the weight go down, so I end up getting on the scale every day. It's not healthy for my state of mind. So I am setting this part of the challenge to keep me off the damn scale until each 28 day period is over.

In addition to the above things, I'll be writing in here every day. If I don't really have anything to say (I'm wordy, but not wordy enough to do a whole essay every single day), then I'll just do an entry giving the following stats at the end of each day:

Number of Calories Eaten:
Cups of water I drank:
What fruit I ate:
What I did for exercise:
Did I step on the scale?: (This one should always have no for an answer, and having to post the answer here will hopefully help me stay off the blasted thing.)

So there's my plan, that I detailed to myself when I should have been sleeping. I'm hoping to get on the scale at the end of the 28 days and see good news. We'll see!

Oh, and I don't have an exact starting weight for this 28 day period, because my period is due, and the water weight has packed on, so I stayed off the scale this weekend (plus I ate way too much the last two days). I will say, though, that on Thursday I was down to around 212.75. Woo! (I say around 212.75 because I can get on my scale five times and get five different weights. It's frustrating, but what are you going to do. I usually go with the lowest weight I get - that was the lowest on that day.) Who knows, maybe in this first 28 days I'll get below that 200 number! This season's biggest loser contestants are calling having a weight that starts with a 1 being in "Onederland." I want to be in onederland so badly! Maybe 28 days from now I'll be there.

Okay, now I'm going to mindlessly surf the web in lieu of sleeping, then call in to work as an insomniac loser, and then probably lay in bed or on the futon all day watching TV and wishing I weren't so tired. I will still get in my exercise, though. I don't have to be wide awake and alert to sit my ass on the exercise bike and pedal while watching TV.

Here's to a great 28 days! And no repeat of this insomnia anytime soon!

Keeping My Focus Short, Not Long-Term

2011-02-17T09:42:00.001-08:00

I didn't weigh in on Monday, because I was BAD last week. Oh man, I ate so much. :D

But I've been making up for it this week, and doing really well, so I'll be back weighing in at some point this weekend or on Monday, and I should have good news to report.

But here's one thing I've realized about this weight loss attempt. I'm not focusing on how much I have left to lose. In fact, I haven't really stopped to figure it out at all. When I started I knew what weight I wanted to be at by my wedding, I figured out how much weight I'd have to lose each week to get there, and I've focused only on those numbers. If I don't make a weekly weight, I don't get too concerned, as long as I can make the monthly goal. I'm working hard right now to make sure that my week of messing up doesn't stop me from reaching my goal for the end of this month.

And I really do think that focusing on the short term goals, while keeping the long term goal in the back of my mind, has really helped me. It's so easy to get discouraged if you think about the big number that you still have left to lose. I mean, I went into this wanting to lose 87.5 pounds! That sounds almost impossible. But 2.5 pounds here, 10 pounds there, sounds so much more reasonable and achievable.

And I also always have in the back of my mind that eating this small amount (1300-1400 calories) is only temporary. When I get to my goal, I'll be able to increase that a bit in order to maintain the weight where I want to stay. Eating the way I used to should never become a daily habit with me again, but I'll be able to eat a normal amount, and I won't have to focus quite so much on how many calories are in each meal I eat. That keeps me going, too, when it feels like I can't stand counting calories yet another day.

I like having a plan of just monitoring my weight once a week to make sure it isn't creeping back up, and cutting back for a few days if it does. That sounds so NICE!

And for right now, I just keep plugging away, day after day, knowing that if I get through each day without overeating, my body will do what I want it to do. The end will come, and in fact it's creeping closer and closer with every passing week. And I can get to that end goal without having to focus on the big number that signifies how much work I have left to do.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

2011-02-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

Weeks keep going by, and so far I keep kicking butt. I'm down two pounds this week, woo! My total so far is 12.25 pounds lost, and it's been just five weeks, so I'm right on course. Yay!

I've been pretty good at making wise choices lately, too. Yesterday we went to Denny's for a late breakfast/early lunch. Instead of getting my favorite cheeseburger and seasoned fries (yum), I got two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and two pieces of bacon. The bacon sounds bad, but just two slices fit into my day's calories easily. Then we went to the hockey game at work last night, and of course there aren't really any wise choices there - just bad ones and not so bad ones. So I chose a not so bad one and got two slices of pizza. I ate one and a half slices, and gave the other half to Jim. And it fit into my day's calories, so again - the wisest choice I could have made, from a menu that was either pizza or fried foods and not much else.

I love that I've been staying so motivated, too. I guess I just needed to have that wedding deadline looming larger with every passing week! The idea of that coming, and there not being any time to goof around anymore, has pushed me to do well every week, so far. And I'm going to make sure that continues!

Great Weigh In News!

2011-01-29T04:40:00.000-08:00

I'm giving you an early Saturday morning post to share some great news! I peed rivers for two days in a row, getting rid of the water weight from my period, and I counted my calories and stopped myself from snacking and stuck to between 1300 and 1400 calories most days (even last night when Jim wasn't home and I wanted to snack SO BADLY), and it paid off.

This morning I stepped on the scale, and I'm down 10.25 pounds in just under four weeks! Yay!!! I now weigh 217.25. Woo!!

Celebrate with me, won't you? I'm VERY excited about this, people. It means I'm doing it! I'm doing what I have to do to get to a healthy weight by my wedding! Yay! It all seems so possible now!

2011-01-24T17:53:00.000-08:00

I'm down another pound this week! I wanted it to be more, but my period started and I always gain water weight with it, and I know I did this time, too. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I was already down to 220.25, and today I was 221, and I didn't eat badly enough to gain any weight.

Anyway, in a week when that's happening, I'm happy with a pound loss!

Also, I'm coming down with a head cold, and it's time to take some Nyquil and go to bed, so this is a short entry tonight. But yay, I'm down 6.5 pounds in three weeks! Woo!

Second Week Challenges

2011-01-17T07:22:00.001-08:00

So, I didn't do the best last week. Of the seven days, I only really counted my calories and made a point of staying in my range on two of them. It was a hard week! I don't know why, but it was.

Part of the problem was Jim working nights three days in a row. I don't know why, but being alone at home at night makes me want to eat to fill the emptiness. Obviously food isn't really going to replace Jim when he's not there, but it's what I want to do, and something I obviously need to keep working on. He was gone three nights, I was only good one of those nights. I need to work on making it all three, eventually.

I did have some good points to the week. We went to Applebee's for lunch on Saturday, to use a gift card Jim had gotten for Christmas. I looked at the menu online before we went,and saw that the sliders I like to get were over 1200 calories. Whoa! So I decided I should get the sirloin steak and baked potato, which would be a much more reasonable 690 (not a huge difference, but more manageable). When we were there, I almost caved and got the sliders, but I got the steak instead, and when I counted up my calories for the day, even though I thought I hadn't done well at all the rest of the day, I was only over my calories by about 100! So that was good.

Anyway, it was a tough week, and I never stepped on the scale during the week at all, so I was a little afraid when I got on this morning. But the news was good! I weighed 222 exactly this morning, meaning I lose 1.25 pounds! And in a week when I thought I did really badly, so I was happy.

Two weeks in, and 5.5 pounds have been lost! Woo!

And yes, I'm planning on doing better this week! :)

Fighting!

2011-01-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

I faced an issue tonight that I have faced so many times before. Jim was at work, I was going to be home alone. I left work and got my car washed, and then I got back on the street and turned the corner to go home. But then I turned left, and went to the store. I bought the same things I always buy - junk. Crap. Shit that I don't need.

I came home. I ate most of it. I put the leftover chips (Hint of Lime Tostitos, one of my biggest challenges and temptations) in my desk drawer to finish eating later in the week.

Then I was sitting here watching The Biggest Loser. I was listening to these people saying that they had burned 4,000, 5,000, even 6,000 calories in one day. I thought about how I'll be going to the gym tomorrow, and working hard to burn an extra 400. And then I thought of those chips in my drawer, and thought how much I needed to dump them right in the trash.

I took the bag out of the drawer, and I looked at them, and I thought about how much I love them, I thought about how good they taste. But then I walked to the garage, I opened up the trash can, and I dumped the chips out of the bag into the trash, threw the bag into the can after them, and walked back into the house, thinking that I couldn't believe I had done that.

But I was so proud that I did. It's no secret that I have a lot of food issues that I need to face. Sometimes I lose the battle, sometimes I win. For most of last week, I won the battle. For the first two days of this week, I have failed. But from here on out, for the rest of this week, at least, I WILL win. I WILL lose at least two pounds this week. I WILL work as hard as possible in the gym tomorrow and Thursday. I WILL work out at home to Jillian's ass kicking DVD either Friday or Saturday.

I WILL beat those food issues, for this week, at least.

I am glad those chips are in the trash.

Week One Recap

2011-01-10T04:52:00.000-08:00

I had a very good first week! There were ups and downs, there were challenges, their were failures, their were triumphs. I guess every week will have all of those things, but for this week, at least, there was more good than bad.

Some challenges I faced this week:
*A day and a half at a conference, where food was provided for us (not being able to plan ahead)
*Temptations in the form of cookies, dessert, high fat chips, high calorie bagels
*The gym being closed one day - not being able to go another day because of the conference
*Trying to be good on Sunday, when it felt so wrong! We've always cheated on weekends, so it was very hard to not overeat. Having a weigh-in looming over me for the next morning helped, though.

Things I did wrong:
*Not working out at home on either Wednesday (when the gym was closed) or Thursday (when I was at the conference all day, but home by 6:00)
*Stopping to buy a chocolate frosted doughnut from Dunkin for breakfast on the way to the conference
*Eating dessert with my lunch on Thursday at the conference
*Eating a chocolate chip cookie as a snack on Thursday at the conference
*Overeating on Thursday by eating those two things above, and then eating some junk they had in our "goodie" bag that we got when we registered
*Gobbling a bag of Lay's potato chips and two chocolate chip cookies when leaving the conference on Friday, because I was STARVING (I'm used to eating lunch at 11:30 - we left the conference and got lunches to go at about 12:45)

Things I did well:
*Working out Monday, Tuesday and Friday at the gym, doing about 2/3 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD on Saturday (so hard - she kicked my ASS in just 2/3 of the workout, and I was hobbling around the rest of that day AND all of Sunday)
*Deciding on Friday to push myself in my work out. I was at my usual 136-141 heart rate, and decided to see how hard I had to work to get it to the upper portion of my target heart zone. I pushed and got it to 149-153, and kept it there for the last 13 minutes of my time on the elliptical, woo!
*Eating half a sandwich and a lower calorie chip choice for lunch on Thursday (mostly because I knew I was having chocolate cake for dessert, but still)
*Choosing to take some strawberries for a snack at the conference Friday morning, instead of the blue and orange frosted half-moon cookie (done in SU colors)
*Keeping to my calorie limit six out of the seven days, woo!
*Not overindulging this weekend at all, even though they've always been "cheat days" for me in the past.

So, a lot of good things this week! And here's the best thing. I weighed myself this morning, and I'm down 4.25 pounds, woo! I now weigh 223.25. Yay!

Doing Well So Far!

2011-01-05T05:31:00.000-08:00

The first two days have gone so well! I have kept my calories between 1300 and 1350 both days, and I've scheduled my food to do the same today. I went to the gym both nights and did half an hour on the elliptical. I feel really good about my start.

Of course, the one thing I haven't been very good at is staying off the scale. I had told myself that I needed to stay off the scale during the week, so I don't drive myself crazy when my weight fluctuates, as it does. But of course I got on it yesterday and today. :) When I do well at exercising and eating less, I feel like I NEED to know if it made a difference. Hee.

It did make a difference, too - so far I'm down two and a half pounds, woo! (Mostly water weight, I'm sure, but still - it looks nice on the scale.)

I'm very much taking this as a one day at a time journey, too. If I focus too much on how much I have to lose, and on how long it will take, I get overwhelmed and fail. But looking at it a day at a time makes it much more manageable. So first thing in the morning I plan my food for the day. Today we're having meatloaf for dinner, which is a higher calorie meal, so I planned my day around a larger than usual dinner. Then it was pretty easy to divide the rest of my food up for the remainder of the day.

Anyway, so far so good! I am really excited for our first week weigh-in. (And I'm going to try to stay off that scale tomorrow morning!)

A Fresh Start

2011-01-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

Today is the day! Jim and I got our starting weights, and we're starting to eat healthier and less as of today.

Boy did we have fun during our holiday vacation, though. Ha! So much junk food passed through my lips that I actually started getting sick of sugar yesterday, and started wanting some "real" food - something more substantial and healthy. That didn't stop me from eating all the junk I could scarf down, though. :)

But today I'm back on track. I've got my food figured out for the day, and even though I had my afternoon snack an hour and a half ago, I'm already hungry for dinner. It'll take a while for my body to adjust to eating less, though, so that's fine. After work I'm going to the gym and using the elliptical for half an hour, plus cool down. I'm being active in Spark People again, entering my food to make sure my calories don't climb too high, and I'll be entering my exercise there, too. I also set up my beginning weight and I'll record my weight loss there every week. I do need to get my measurements, though. I also joined a group on SP that will do 30 minutes of cardio five days a week (which I was planning on doing anyway) plus a 10 minute strength video, which is created by their site.

So I'm doing well so far, and I've got all the support and tools I need to make it happen - plus the motivation of my wedding, which is creeping ever closer! Eight months will go so quickly!

Oh, and here is where I get embarrassed and admit my starting weight for this, my latest (and hopefully final) attempt to finally drop this weight. I stepped on the scale this morning, and weighed 227.5.

I don't think the junk food binges were worth it, really. :)

Anyway, here I am, chronicling this again for 2011. Here's to a slimmer me by my wedding!

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-24T06:04:00.001-08:00

I'm not likely to get online much tomorrow, so I wanted to just stop in today and post a short note to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you who read this. I hope you have a great holiday and a very happy New Year! I'll be back in January to write about the efforts Jim and I will be making to work on our weight together.

Thanks for reading!

First Stress Over, Tuesday Off to a Great Start!

2010-12-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

I had my stress test - and all is well! My heart looked great, and there isn't any abnormality or disease to be making the palpitations happen. Yay!

I tell you what, I knew I was worried about this, but I didn't quite realize how worried I was until the worry left. I feel so relieved now!

So now I'm preparing for my interview, but I think it may be just the way I figured - the stress test went well, and I'm so happy and relieved that I'm not at all worried about the interview. I think I'm prepared for it. If I get it, great, if I don't, it's not a big deal - I'm happy enough where I am. It's not my dream job, but the other job isn't either. So I'm fine either way.

It's nice to be able to go into the interview being all zen about it. :)

Really I just want my vacation to start now! I want to go home, hug Jim and celebrate being healthy. Yay! No heart disease!

The Tuesday from Hell...or Not?

2010-12-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Two pretty important things are happening tomorrow, and the first one is probably going to set the tone for the entire rest of the day.

The first thing, of course, is my stress test. I've tried not to worry about it, but I can't quite help it - I just am so hoping that nothing is wrong to cause these PVCs! I have no idea if I'll find out tomorrow morning or not, but if it seems to go well, it will probably put me in the right frame of mind to have a really good rest of the day. If it doesn't go well, though, the opposite is bound to happen. So here's hoping for a good result.

The second thing is an interview for a different job in my company. I've been in my current job for almost five years, and while there have been times when I've enjoyed it, I've never really loved it, and there have been a lot of times recently when I've downright hated it. So when another position came up that seemed like it might be better suited to me, I applied for it. Having the interview a mere few hours after my stress test, however, may have been foolish. Hopefully that stress test will go so well that I'll be in a great mood and sail through that interview. We'll see!

And then we have our office holiday lunch at Noon, which thankfully we're having catered, so I didn't have to cook anything. And it's a full moon. And the winter solstice. And my period is due. Fun! :D

We'll be a weight loss team. A weight loss machine!

2010-12-15T10:43:00.001-08:00

Jim and I were eating too much this weekend, and bemoaning the sizes of our respective bellies, and he said when I was ready to lose mine, he was ready to join me. To which I responded,

"In January. I want some Christmas cookies, goddamn it!"

Hee.

So yes, it's true. I've failed spectacularly at this whole dieting thing on my own, but if Jim is doing it with me, I have a shot at succeeding, I think. So yes, I'll be making cookies over the next week and a half, and I'll enjoy eating them. But once January gets here, it's back on my best behavior, with the help and company of the man I love.

I also made a decision. I had thought about joining Weight Watchers online, or else maybe Jillian Michael's online weight loss plan, but after doing some research, I realized that they don't offer anything that I can't get at Spark People for free, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start fresh there, track my food, track my exercise, and watch my weight go down.

I'm not exercising right now, by the way. I really didn't feel comfortable going to the gym and pushing myself on the elliptical before I know if there is actually anything behind these heart flutters. Hopefully I'll know for sure on Tuesday that my heart is as healthy as the heart of a 41 year old fat woman can be, and then I can get back to it. For now, I drive straight home after work (giving my heart a work out anyway, because driving in all the snow we've been getting is not fun), put on my pajamas and relax. I can't say I'm too sorry about it, either. :)

Heart Monitor Results Are...Sort of In?

2010-12-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

I called my doctor's office a few minutes ago, to see if they had the results from the heart monitor thing yet. I didn't talk to the doctor herself - I think the woman on the phone was a nurse? I'm not sure. Maybe not, since she didn't know what some of the words in the report meant. Anyway, she said that they did get the results, and they're scheduling me for a stress test next week.

Okay, I don't really know what any of this means, big picture wise, but here is what she said. My heart is in sinus rhythm, which is good. My average heart rate was 85, which for me is about normal, I think (it's almost always in the 80s when I take it, even years ago when I was younger and much thinner). But there were "frequent PVCs," and they want me to take a stress test, I think to find out if there is a cardiac disease looming, or if the PVCs are just a normal thing that happen sometimes.

And here is where I admit that I totally had to look up the term PVC, and it stands for Premature Ventricular Contraction. Basically, it's exactly what it felt like - my heart sometimes just beats a second time sooner than it should.

It's funny - I wasn't really worried about this at all before. I even forgot to call on Friday to see if they had my results. But now? I'm kind of worried. This isn't fun.

So that's where we are. I have to be at the hospital on Tuesday at 6:45 a.m., which is pretty torturous, since it means I'll have to be up at around 5:00. And I have to walk on a treadmill while electrodes are stuck to my skin. But we'll see what it says. I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks (the gym has been closed because the trainer had surgery, and I've been bad and haven't worked out at home), but when I was still going, my heart never felt weird when working out at all. It doesn't even flutter there, usually. So we'll see.

Oh, and it's only fluttered maybe 1-4 times a day for the last four days. It's been nice, having the flutters slow down and thinking that they may be going away. Now here's hoping that it really is all nothing, and that the stress test will prove that. Because while the web page I read to find out about PVCs said in most cases they meant nothing, it also used the term "sudden death" a few times, and I don't like that term at all. So we're hoping for nothing being wrong, obviously.

Heart Monitor

2010-12-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

I went yesterday afternoon and had the monitor put on. I was questioning whether or not I should bother, because of course the very day I was scheduled to do it, my heart only fluttered a few times all morning, and those times were very slight - much less forceful than they had been even the day before.

But of course it was a good thing I went through with it, because my heart fluttered quite a few times last evening and this morning, so it should have recorded a good number of instances.

Having it put on went pretty quickly and easily - at least as much as any medical appointment can. The woman doing it just stuck five electrodes onto me - one on each side, at about the shoulder end of my clavicle, one on each ribcage, under my breasts, and one between my breasts. Then she put tape over the electrodes, to help keep them in place. Simple, easy, and I drove back to work with wires running from my chest to the small monitor, which I tucked into my pocket.

After wearing it for 24 hours, Jim helped me take it off this afternoon, and I'm glad he was here to do it, because taking all that off was fairly painful - like ripping off a Band-Aid that is really stuck on well, for four of them, but the one between my breasts hurt so much more than that! Ouch. But they came off, and now I'm wire free.

I'll take it back on Monday to the doctor's office, and then I'll get results whenever they're ready - I think she said it can take about a week. So I'll let you all know what I find out whenever I hear from them.

I'm a little worried about it, of course, because anything abnormal with the heart is just scary. But I'm not too worried. I'm not having any shortness of breath, no dizziness, no chest pain - just the flutters. I'll just be very happy and grateful if (when) I find out that it's nothing to worry about.

For now, though, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the weekend with Jim. He's off, after working almost non-stop for a couple of weeks, and I had been missing him something awful. But now he's here, and we put up most of the Christmas decorations tonight, and it just looks so nice in here now. So I'll have a nice, wire free rest of the weekend. :)

Weighing In Once Again!

2010-12-03T04:54:00.000-08:00

I weighed myself this morning, and I lost a tiny bit more, yay! I'm at 220.5 today. :) That's only a 3/4 pound loss since the last time I weighed in (on October 29th), but it's a 1 1/2 pound loss since Monday, so I'm still happy with myself. November seems to have been a total waste, though. I can't do that with anymore months! Time is running out.

Anyway, I'm happy with this loss. I hope to be down to about 218 by next Friday, which by the way happens to be the 10th - exactly nine months before my wedding! If I'm at 218 on Friday, I'll have nine months left to lose either 83 or 78 pounds, depending on what final weight I end up settling on (135 or 140). It's definitely something that can be done, but there isn't any wiggle room for lost months anymore!

This afternoon I go to get the halter monitor on. I have to get it at 2:30, and I'll be wearing it for 24 hours. Then hopefully next week I'll have some answers as to what the heck is going on!

In which I go to the doctor, maybe for good reason, maybe not, who knows?

2010-12-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

So I talked to Jim about the heart flutter thing, and he told me in very different words that a trip to the doctor may be a good idea, and if he had to take me himself on his day off, he would. :)

I called the doctor's office this morning, and got an appointment at 11:30. When I told the doctor what was going on, she said they'd do an EKG in the office. There's only one problem - you have to be laying down and still for the EKG, and this flutter thing only happens when I'm moving around. (This doctor's office doesn't have a stress test set-up.) But I walked up and down the halls and got it fluttering, they hooked up the electrodes and I laid down, and of course my heart was beating all normal by then, so it read normal.

She told me I could go see a cardiologist, or I could get them to set me up with a 24 hour halter monitor. I chose to go with the monitor. I have to go tomorrow at 2:30 to get it hooked up, and apparently I'll keep it on until 2:30 on Saturday (I wonder if I can shower with it on? Or take it off to shower and put it back on?), and then next week they'll read it and tell me if anything is happening when it flutters, or if all is normal.

Also, I know I shouldn't weigh myself everyday, but I tend to when I'm behaving. I was VERY good at home last night. So good! I was proud of myself. And this morning the scale was down a pound, woo! I love when being good pays off. :)

Doing Well

2010-12-01T09:52:00.001-08:00

Last night I heated up a TV dinner (Lean Cuisine cheese ravioli), sat down at my desk and started to eat, and then went, "Oops!" Then I got up and went to the dining room and ate at the table. Hee.

But that little slip aside, I've done very well with my new rules so far. I had two snacks at work on Monday afternoon, instead of the one I said I was allowed, but it fit into my calories, so I didn't beat myself up over it.

So far so good! I just wanted to check in to let you know the rules were working so far. :)

I also went to the gym on Monday, after three weeks away (I feel like I should hide after admitting that). I was bad! I decided to take a week off, and then my knee started hurting (it still does a little, by the way, but not as bad), so I took that week off, and then it was Thanksgiving week and the gym was closed two out of the three days I could have gone, and I decided not to go the one day I could have (last Monday).

Ahem. I feel like I'm in confession. I went back on Monday, though, so I'm getting back on track with it!

I do have one concern now, though. Since mid-week last week (about a day or two before Thanksgiving), I have been feeling what I'm calling heart flutters. My heart seems to jump or flip (I know it's not really flipping, but it almost feels like it is), or flutter, sometimes. It doesn't do it when I'm sitting at my desk at work all day, but when I get up and walk around, it does. It doesn't hurt, it just feels funny. I also don't have any lightheadedness, dizziness or shortness of breath, so I don't think anything serious is wrong. Still, it's unsettling, and I'm thinking I need to go back to the doctor. I don't want to, and I can't afford the $20 co-pay right now, but I might have to do it anyway. Oh, and it didn't do it at all when I was on the elliptical on Monday, which I thought was strange (it does when I walk, but not when I am basically running on that thing? Why?).

Does anyone who reads this have experience with this type of thing? If so, I'll take any words of comfort or caution or whatever that you may have to share.

Rules

2010-11-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I've been struggling with this whole weight loss endeavor for a long time. Not much progress is being made, despite the time I've spent writing here, and since I can't afford to start a weight loss program like Weight Watchers right now, I'm kind of on my own. And this is something I should be able to do! Being on my own should not be an issue. But as anyone who is struggling with weight loss knows, doing it alone is not only hard, it can feel impossible.

So I've been thinking about that tonight. My wedding date, that seemed so far away when we set it, is creeping ever closer. What was 13 months away when we set the date is now just, what, 9 1/2 months away? Something like that. I need to lose about 80 to 85 pounds, so that means I have JUST enough time. If I start losing it NOW.

So what can I do to make sure I'm more successful? Well, I did a web search on that, and came up with a page that gave me some great tips - things I already knew, but that I hadn't thought about. The main idea was to set rules on when/where I can eat.

For me, the most obvious rule to set to go along with that is:
1. No eating is allowed at my home desk.

When I'm at home, especially when I'm alone (which is fairly often, given Jim's work situation), I sit at my desk for most of the time that I'm awake. I watch TV, watch stuff online, play my Sims game and, oh yeah, eat. It's easy, it's comfortable, and it needs to stop. So. New rule - no eating at my desk.

I think that's really the only rule I need to make at home. I don't really spend any time sitting on the couch unless Jim is home, and then I don't eat as much junk (I'm half convinced I'd be at my goal weight now if he worked regular hours - or we'd just be snacking together, which is more realistic). So unless I start just moving the food from the desk to other places, this rule is good enough for home.

The problem is, though, what do I do at work? I sit at my desk for most of the time I'm at work, and I'd love to say no eating there. But I need to have an afternoon snack, and I can't really go anywhere else to eat that. So I think these are the rules I need to make for work:

2. Eat breakfast at home before I go to work, if possible.
3. No morning snacks (I eat lunch at 11:30, so morning snacks really aren't necessary).
4. Only ONE afternoon snack allowed. That means one banana, one 100 calorie pack, one granola bar - one thing and that's all. I don't need more than that.
5. No more taking chocolate from the front desk. We have a woman who keeps a supply for the office, and it's all too easy to go grab some, and it's always four or five pieces, not one. So, no more.

These five rules pretty much cover all of the areas where I overeat, so if I follow them, I think they'll help me a lot.

I should probably add a rule about eating out, too, but I only do that with Jim on the weekends, and the stuff I get isn't too horrible, usually, so I'll stick to these rules for now.

My second idea is to work with Jim on this. I'd love for us to weigh each other once a week, and congratulate each other's successes, and help monitor each other's eating. But he's dealing with a lot of stress at work, his hours aren't even close to normal, and right now I know that isn't an option. We'll see what 2011 brings for that.

Anyway, for now I'll follow my rules. And I'll keep checking in here from time to time to let you all know how I'm doing. :)

Update

2010-11-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not weighing myself this week, due to the impending menstrual cycle of doom (I can feel the bloat hitting already), but I did well this week! After going off the rails last week, I hit Monday running! Well, figuratively, anyway. I stayed within my calorie limits Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, yay!

And then Thursday hit, and I did pretty well until evening. Jim was at work, and I ran into that "I'm alone, so I must eat" mentality. I tried to fight it, but I ended up eating some extra 100 calorie packs and granola bars, plus some crackers and a piece of cheese. D'oh! Oh well. I obviously still need to work on that.

I haven't been to the gym this week, though. My knee is still hurting, and I wish it would quit and go back to normal already. I can pretty much keep it under control with Advil, though. Oh, and last night I got out my old step from a Jane Fonda step aerobics video I had in the 90s, and I stepped up on it over and over again while watching TV (my knee twinged a little, but not bad)! That might be worth doing sometimes, because my heart rate actually did go up to my target heart range within about 10 minutes of stepping up and down.

Anyway, I'm keeping on keeping on. :)

Of Knees and Diet Failures

2010-11-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

Last week was not a good one in diet land. I'd been messing up with food. I didn't go to the gym on Monday because Jim was home and I wanted to spend time with him, not at the gym (we don't get to spend nearly enough time together). The gym was going to be closed on Friday for some reason. And then I said screw it, I'm taking the week off. So I didn't go to the gym at all last week. I didn't work out at home. I ate whatever I wanted, and that included chips, cookies, McDonald's - a lot of crap.

But today is my time to start over! I'm committed to counting calories every day, and sticking to my range. I'm going to hit the gym every day that it's open, if I can, and if not, and on the days when it's not open, I'll work out at home.

Sounds good! There's only one problem - my knee has been bothering me a little since the end of last week. I didn't do anything to it, as far as I know, it just hurts when I bend it in certain ways. But it wasn't too bad.

Until last night. I went to bed, and it hurt when I moved from my back to my side, and curled my legs up in front of me. Every time I moved toward the end of the night, I woke up in pain from my knee. It doesn't hurt when I walk, but if I bend and lift it, the pain flares.

I don't quite dare workout without getting it checked out, so I called the doctor's office this morning and got an appointment for today. We'll see how it goes!

But while working out may be sidelined if the knee needs to rest, the diet isn't! I'm sick to death of counting calories, but it's the only way I can be sure not to overeat, so Spark People is once again my best online friend. Bah.

And really I'm just sick to death of the whole dieting thing, but you know what? It's how it has to be. I can't stay 221 pounds, I can't keep eating a non-stop diet of crap. Things have to change. And now is the best time! (I'm also sick of writing these "I'm starting over" blog entries, but what can I do? I'll try to make this the last one I write.)

(Besides, my wedding is less than 10 months away now! Those size 8 jeans aren't going to fit if I don't get my act together!)

I'll let you all know how the knee turns out.

One More Thing...

2010-11-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

I knew as I was publishing that last post that there was something else I wanted to say, but I couldn't remember what it was. And shame on me, because it was good!

Last night before I went to bed, I decided to try on some shirts that have been too small for me to wear to work. In particular, there was one black shirt that I got from work. It was bought for orientation 2009, and we were supposed to wear it a couple of days during orientation 2010, but I couldn't, because it was too small, and WAY too tight.

Well, last night, that shirt fit again! Woo! I would have worn it today, but I wore one of our work shirts yesterday, and didn't want to wear two in a row. But still, progress, yay! Even if the scale isn't coming down very quickly, at least I do have proof that the exercise is working!

Thanks for the Tips!

2010-11-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, the consensus seems to be - keep the bad food out of the house, idiot. :) That's a good tip! I still have to work on this issue, though. Sure I have Halloween candy now, and that's something that isn't normally there. And it's easy to keep chips and candy out of the house - I don't normally have those things in the house at all. But when I'm in one of those mindless, must eat to fill the void kind of moods, it doesn't really matter what's there, I'll find something to snack on. Crackers, dry cereal, the healthy snacks I buy for work - it'll all find its way down my gaping maw. So I still need to find something to stop me from eating when I'm lonely and bored.

And now that I think about it, the most logical idea seems to be just doing something to stop myself from being bored! Shoot, I need to get working on crafts, anyway. I have a baby blanket to finish (the baby is six months old now! I officially suck as a homemade gift giver, and I'm sorry Sarah). I want to at some point advance my knitting skills and attempt to make socks and a sweater for myself. If I am getting bored watching TV and playing the Sims (the two things I do most often when I'm alone), then I can just, oh I don't know, shut those things off and read a book! Duh.

Anyway. I'll continue to work on that, and thanks for your helpful tips.

Oh, and as for work - I don't really worry about what's brought in to work. The kitchen is at the opposite end of the office from me, and I only go in there twice a day to fill my water bottle. I try to just avoid the counter where the snacks are, telling myself no over and over if it's something I really like, just get my water and go. Once it's out of my sight, I stop thinking about it, and can avoid eating it. It's really just at home that I have problems. :)

A Problem That Needs Fixing

2010-11-03T06:00:00.001-07:00

I have a problem that I really need to work on. When I'm at home alone at night, I eat WAY too much.

I know what's happening when I do it. I know that when I go to the kitchen again, or open up that bag of Halloween candy to take out a Kit-Kat again, that I'm not doing those things because I'm hungry. I'm doing them because I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I'm eating to fill a void. I know it's wrong when I'm doing it, but I'm not often strong enough to stop myself.

This is something I have to get control of. Jim works at a job that requires him to be away at night more often than we like. I spend a fair number of evenings alone, and even a fair amount of weekend time alone.

So, when I get lonely and bored and am wishing he were there, but he's not and not going to be, how do I stop myself from heading to the kitchen again? How do I stop myself from eating too much? How do I convince myself that a belly stuffed full of unnecessary calories isn't going to make me any less lonely until Jim comes home to me?

Thankfully, I won't have to figure that out tonight. Jim will be home for the first night all week, yay! I can't wait to see him again (I haven't seen him at all since Sunday night). I definitely need to figure out something for the future, though, and I'll take any advice you have!

Weighing in with Pictures!

2010-10-29T06:20:00.001-07:00

I'm just not feeling like myself today. Three of my friends from work seem to feel the say way. I can't quite pin down why - can you?

Hee. :) I've never dressed up this much for Halloween - not as an adult, anyway. It's fun!

Anyway. I weighed in today! My period isn't quite done screwing with me, but I lost a little bit. Today I weighed 221.25, half a pound smaller than I was two weeks ago. It's not much, but I'll take it. If the water weight is still lurking on me the way I think it is, I might show a bigger difference next week. We'll see.

But at least it's progress, so woo!

So I Told My Uterus...

2010-10-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have been planning on writing here since Friday, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. And then I just got a comment from Deals telling me to UPDATE, UPDATE! So here I am. Poking at me works! :)

I don't have a weight update for you yet, though! Since I am pretty sure all of my readers are female, I believe you'll all understand me when I say the following: my period was due on Wednesday. It hasn't shown up yet, but the PMS and bloating all arrived right on time, a WEEK ago, so yeah. I'm not stepping on the scale right now. Things need to go back to normal first.

(I did step on the scale Friday morning, with it set on my weight from the week before, but it said that wasn't nearly heavy enough, thank you very much, you need to slide that weight over to the right more. And then some more. And then some more again. So I stepped off the scale and told it to go fuck itself. Then I remembered that my period was overdue, so I told my uterus to go fuck itself, too. :)

So, I'm not weighing in, but all is well! Don't you worry. :)

Accountability Works!

2010-10-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

I weighed in this morning at 221.75 - three pounds less than last week! Woo! Look at that, being accountable actually works. :)

Confession time, though: I was really only good on Wednesday and Thursday. I spent the weekend (a three day weekend) with Jim, not caring to be good when I was spending time with him and eating delicious burgers two days in a row. And I spent Tuesday eating bad at lunch and then at home after work. But I cleaned it up the last two days, and my body did the rest. And actually, those last two days, the thought of having to report in here is all that kept me from being bad again. Thanks for being out there to watch over me, all four or five of you. Next week I'm shooting to be good at least four out of the seven days. (I'll work up to a whole week of being good, I swear.)

But hey, three pounds down, and I'll take it. My goal for next week is to lose another two or three pounds. I'll let you know if it happens!

Reinstating Weigh-Ins

2010-10-08T05:40:00.000-07:00

So, I have come to a conclusion, and I think it's one I've reached on this site before, but sometimes I have to learn things twice (or even more often than that).

I need accountability.

What does this mean? It means I need to start weighing in with someone. And since I'm not going to Weight Watchers or Nutri-System or any paid weight loss program, I'm going to weigh in to you. You can be my watchers, the people I need to not let down every week - the people holding me accountable.

Why have I decided this? Because I've been going to the gym for about two months now. I've felt myself getting a little bit stronger every time. I can feel my muscles tightening up in my abs and my thighs. I have one pair of work pants that feel noticeably looser right under my butt (which feels like a weird place to notice a difference, but I assume it's from doing the elliptical three times a week). But my weight? Hasn't changed nearly enough.

When I started at the gym, my trainer there weighed me at 230 pounds. That was in the afternoon, dressed in gym clothes, so my at home, in the morning, naked weight was probably about 228 or so. That's what I'll figure. My weight this morning? 224 3/4.

A 3 1/4 pound weight loss in two months is NOT ACCEPTABLE! I started this thing with 13 months to go until my wedding BBQ picnic, and now there are only 11 months. Time is slipping by, and I'm not doing the work I need to do to get into those size 8 Levi's (what I want to wear when I get married). So the work (well, the food work) starts now.

I hereby pledge to be here every Friday morning, weighing in. If I don't lose, I'll be honest and tell you if I haven't done well on food. You can feel free to chastise me, and I'll do better the next week. My wedding day is 11 months from Sunday. I can do it, and you can keep me honest and help me get there! :)

Not Much To Share

2010-10-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

No entries for a while - I guess I haven't had anything to say. I had an entry idea kicking around in my head a week or two ago, but I didn't have time to work on it. It was about how it seems like I get hot easier now? And I'm not sure if that's a result of starting to workout, or if I'm approaching menopause age (41, not too young), or what. And then the weather cooled down to the 50s, and I stopped getting sweaty just walking around, so that idea isn't even pertinent anymore. :)

Things are coasting along pretty well, I guess. I have been horrible with my food - eating a ton of junk that I don't need. I've kept up the exercising, though. I couldn't go to the gym on Monday, because I forgot to put socks in my gym bag (I thought I would be wearing a pair, but then I wore flats that don't require socks), and I can't workout without socks, eww, gross. But I went home and used our treadmill, which sucks so I only did 11 minutes on it, and then I finished my time on the exercise bike. So at least I did still get my heart rate up and made myself sweat. I need to find my strength for the food, though. The junk has to go.

Really, what I need to do is make myself use the Spark People site again. I haven't been doing that, because I'm so sick of recording every little thing I eat. I might need to just suck it up, though.

I also need to start working out on Tuesdays and Thursdays at home. I haven't done that at all yet. I'm kind of ashamed of myself. (And that is why going to the gym the other three days is so important.)

So that's all the diet and exercise news I have to share, and it's really not much. :) Other than that, life is going fine, I guess. Work isn't being fun, and I really think I missed my calling in life big time. I should be working as a veterinary technician, or at least working in a vet office in some capacity. Animals are my passion - what I'm doing now isn't really even an interest. So that's something to work on changing in the future. For now, though, I feel kind of stuck where I am. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky to have a job. That makes me feel better sometimes (just not on those bad days).

Okay, boring entry over. Now you probably wish I'd stayed silent. :)

Perseverance...And a Cat Story for Sarah

2010-09-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have two stories for you today. The first is a story of perseverance in the face of exhaustion. The second is a cat story, brought to you by my cat, Zelda, my fiance, Jim, and Sarah's wish for "pictures of the animal-kids." :)

First up, perseverance!

I was tired yesterday. I went to bed a bit late the night before (for me), at about 10:10. I was woken up at 5:00 by Jim tromping down the stairs, and couldn't get back to sleep. You may think that roughly 6 1/2 hours of sleep (figuring I was asleep by 10:30) would be enough - you'd be wrong. I do NOT fare well on less than seven hours of sleep, and frankly I really need a complete eight to be happy and awake all day.

Anyway, I worked all day, and just felt tired and drained the whole time. I left work at 4:00 and went to the gym, and I got on the elliptical. I programmed it for my normal 30 minutes, but then my mind started working. Some of the thoughts that went through my head during the time I spent on the elliptical:

"I should have just done 20 minutes today."

"Okay, I'm 20% done. Unless I only do 20 minutes instead of 30, and then I'm really 30% done."

"I'm 40% done. Unless I only do 20 minutes, and then I'm really 60% done!"

"Okay, I passed 20 minutes. I guess I'm doing the whole 30 minutes now. Sigh."

The updates in my head actually occurred at every 10% interval, but you get the idea. I was tired, it was hard, but I pushed through and did the whole 30 minutes, plus a five minute cool down. Woo! Then I did my resistance training, and then I limped home and barely managed to stay awake until 9:00. I think I was sleeping by 9:15. :)

*****

Okay, now here is the story for Sarah.

This is my cat, Zelda:

Well, it's her face, anyway. :)

My cats all stay inside - there are a lot of dangers in the outside world, and people go tearing down the road in front of my house at 65mph+, and since I have a very large desire to not scrape my dead cats off the side of the road, they stay inside. Well, yesterday Jim had the window open in the living room, because it was a nice day. He came into the room and noticed one of the screens had popped out and was outside - and then he noticed that the reason that screen was popped out was because Zelda must have leaned on it, and fallen outside. She was outside!

As happy as he would have been to just let her go, he loves me more than he dislikes cats, so he chased her around the house for about an hour, until he finally caught her when she ran under the front porch stairs. He grabbed her through the front of the steps and brought her inside.

Silly Zelda. I hugged Jim and thanked him for catching her, and I told Zelda to keep her chubby butt away from my window screens. Here's hoping she listens to me.

Back in the Saddle

2010-09-17T18:38:00.001-07:00

I got back to working out on Wednesday. I didn't go full speed on that day, because I was still pretty low energy from being sick, but at least I got there and got it done! Then I went back this afternoon, even though I was wishing to just go home. I'm glad I went, though. I worked out much harder, got my heart rate up about 10-15 beats more per minute, and really felt like I was accomplishing something. I worked up a good sweat, did my resistance training, and then left with that exercise high.

And the best part - while I'm working out, I just KNOW that I'm going to be successful this time. Working out is the key. :)

357 days!

Wedding Countdown!

2010-09-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning dreaming about our wedding next year. I don't remember a lot of details, but I seemed to be stressing about the food - Jim is ordering Dinosaur BBQ, but what about the people who don't like that? Shouldn't we have burgers and hot dogs to cook on the grills, too?

First, isn't it awfully damn early to be stressing about details in a wedding that is going to be about the most low key wedding ever? I mean, damn.

Second, it may be too early to stress about wedding details, especially for a wedding that is going to be very short on "wedding" and longer on "fun," but it is NOT too early to stress about making my weight goal. So I added a handy dandy little timer to my sidebar. It's going to be there to remind me of how fast that wedding date is going to come!

Today is my first day back to the gym after being sick for the last week. It's also my first day back to counting calories on SparkPeople. I was good at working out before I got sick, but I haven't been doing good with food at all! It's time for that to change. This is one weight goal I don't want to miss!

And for further inspiration, I'm posting a before picture! Eek! Jim's Dad took the following picture of me with my new car, shortly after I got it. I'm aiming to be much slimmer than this by 9/10/11! Like, 90 pounds slimmer. :)

Sidelined by the Ick

2010-09-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

Not long after I wrote my last post, I started feeling sick, and I'm just now starting to feel good again. I hate being sick!

I think this started out as a small bout of tonsillitis. I'm not sure, since I didn't go to the doctor, but I am prone to tonsillitis because of small craters that I have in my tonsils (I call them tonsil pockets) - spit and small particles of food get stuck in the pockets, and if they don't get rinsed out, they grow bad things. I try to gargle regularly to keep this down, but it still happens.

Anyway, the throat started feeling better, and then I had to go outside to go to lunch last Thursday, and it was wet and cold and just miserable. And then after lunch I had to stand outside having a meeting about signage for a new concession stand. And while I was out there, I felt my chest tightening up, and it was all downhill since then. Friday I started out okay, but got worse and worse as the day went on. Saturday I was okay to start, but felt crappy at the end of the day. Sunday I spent completely in my PJs, and mostly in bed. I slept 14 hours Sunday night! And then yesterday I still felt like crap, so I stayed home and spent the day taking Dayquil (thanks to Jim for getting it for me) and inhaling as much steam as I could while taking a hot shower.

Today I finally feel better, yay! I'm still getting rid of some congestion, but my chest doesn't feel all tight with it anymore, and I no longer have that "sick" feeling. Thank goodness!

Of course, with all this illness over the last week, my exercising has been completely sidelined. I haven't worked out since the 3rd! I just didn't think it was a good idea to go workout when I felt so bad that just walking across the house could tire me out. :) But I'll be going back tomorrow.

I'm glad to be going back, too. My wedding is less than a year away now! It was a year from last Friday, so I'm counting down now. I have 361 days, and that's plenty of time to lose what I want to lose, but only if I do the work! And the work resumes tomorrow. :)

The State Fair Killed Me

2010-09-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've been working out for three weeks at this point. Apparently, though, when you're as overweight as I am, three weeks isn't enough to make you able to walk around the New York State Fair for 3 1/2 or 4 hours without drastic consequences.

So yeah, Jim and I went to the State Fair on Sunday. We got there early (before the crowds). We walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And sat and watched a draft horse competition (how they get six horses to work in unison on something so difficult is beyond me). And walked some more. And more. And more walking yet. We also ate inappropriate things, including one thing you can only find at a state fair - deep fried Twix bars, anyone? (My verdict - I would have rather skipped the batter and deep frying, and just eaten the Twix bar in its normal form, and I won't be repeating the experience.) But mostly we walked.

We left the fair and went to the mall for even more walking, but we were only there 45 minutes or so, I'd guess. Then we went to his parents' house and sat, and then we went home. By the time we got home, we were both wiped OUT. I actually took pillows and laid down on one of the futons and just didn't move again. When Jim got up, I asked him to bring me a blanket (it was chilly that day). He did. And then I finally did move, but only to the bedroom to watch a show on the DVR while laying in bed. I was crashed out.

I woke up yesterday feeling okay - sore, but not too bad. And then I moved the lawn. I have just over an acre, and on my riding mower it takes about an hour and a half to mow. When I got off after I finished the lawn, I was hobbling. My legs were SO SORE! Advil helped, but when they wore off, the pain came right back.

So yeah, apparently three weeks of working out does not prepare you for walking your legs off at the state fair, at least not if you're as overweight as I am. :) Lesson learned. Next year, though, that fair will be my bitch.

Also, I had that bone tired feeling after working out on Friday night, and I have it again right now (after walking halfway across campus and back once, and then all the way across and back at lunchtime). I'm wondering if my iron is low - I always have to have my blood tested twice when I donate blood, because my iron levels are low. I've only been turned away from donating for it once, but really, I should be on an iron supplement, I think. And iron gives you energy, right? Maybe I should talk to my doctor about that, hmm. In the meantime, I think I need to find iron rich foods that I can choke down without too much gagging. Any suggestions? (And yes, I do take a multi-vitamin, but apparently it doesn't give me enough iron. I should look at the vitamin aisle at Walmart - can you buy iron supplements? I bet you can. Maybe I'll get some next time I'm at the store.)

Enjoying Working Out? Me?

2010-09-02T05:56:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in a while, but that's not out of any fear of relating bad news - I've actually been doing really well!

I'm on my third week of going to the gym three times a week, and it's going really well! I actually don't mind going, and the hour that I'm there seems to go by really quickly. I've been using the elliptical more than the treadmill - I like it a lot better. This week I added 10 minutes to the time I spend on it, so I'm up to 30 minutes at 120-130 strides per minute (I think it's per minute - it must be!), although the last couple of times I've done it, I've actually climbed up to about 134 strides. I work up a really good sweat while I'm on the machine. Yesterday by the time I was done I just wanted to go into the locker room and splash cold water on my face. I didn't, though, I just went over and did my weights.

The weights are starting to get a little easier, too. My arms were extremely weak going into this program, but they're slowly getting stronger. I could start doing two sets of 15 reps soon for most of them - all but the triceps. The strength in my triceps when I started must have been non-existent, because those are still HARD! I do 15 reps, and for the rest of the arm weights, I can do that without pausing, but on the triceps I'm resting and wishing for it to end by the time I'm on number eight. So hard! But they're slowly catching up to the rest of my arms, I guess.

The gym hours are changing starting next week, so going on Tuesdays and Thursdays won't be an option for me (they're closing at 3, and I don't get out of work until 4). I think I'm just about ready to add cardio to those two days, so since I can't do it there, I'll be having to do it at home. That's okay, though, because I have a few options there. I have our treadmill, which I hate but will do if I have to, I have Jim's exercise bike, and I finally bought the DVD of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I haven't worked out to it yet, but it's there for me. Maybe I'll try it out next Tuesday. If I do, I'll let you know how it is.

Anyway, so yeah - I'm actually enjoying the gym thing. Who knew? Change is possible after 40! :)

The Treadmill Makes Me Walk Drunk

2010-08-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

I worked out after work yesterday, then went home and relaxed for the rest of the night. I was in bed with the light off by 10:15, and asleep shortly after. And yet 6:00 this morning felt SO EARLY. Seriously, this bone tiredness after working out needs to go away! :)

I did feel that good feeling when I was done again, though. It's just so satisfying! I hadn't worked out since last Wednesday for various reasons - on Friday I was at work until 5:00 putting together my new desk, which got me all hot and sweaty, and I needed to get home to take care of the dogs once I was finally done - they'd been alone since 7:10 that morning. Monday the gym was closed because the trainer was off. Tuesday I felt like crap and stayed home from work, and basically laid around the house all day (I wasn't really too sick - my period was gearing up, and I was headachy and dizzy for most of the day - the dizziness is what kept me home, really).

But I went last night. I did 27 minutes on the treadmill (a 2 minute warm-up to get used to the treadmill, a 20 minute walk at the faster speed and higher incline, and a five minute cool down), then I did the weights. I think I'm just about ready to start doing two sets of weights, instead of just one - well, for all except my triceps. My triceps are WEAK! :) And I'm going to go tonight to do the treadmill, and then again tomorrow to do both the treadmill and weights.

Oh, and anyone else who uses a treadmill - do you ever get that feeling when you get off that it's like you're still on it? You know, like when you're on a boat for a while and you get off, and your body kind of expects the rolling movement of the ship even when you're on solid ground? Well, I get that feeling BIG TIME when I get off the treadmill. It seriously takes me a few minutes to be able to walk a straight line again. What the heck is that all about? I swear my water bottle actually contains water, not vodka or something! :P

Day Two Done!

2010-08-19T09:17:00.001-07:00

For the first two days after I worked out Monday night, my calves were ANGRY. Tight, sore, making me hobble when I first got up from bed or after sitting for a few minutes. Ouch! :) I'm also feeling very tired after my work outs (and even this morning, after working out last night, I didn't want to get up for work because it felt like I needed to sleep longer). But I know that will all go away with time, as my body adjusts.

Last night's work out when very well, though! I decided to try the treadmill, to see if I liked it any better than the one I have at home. Well, when I first got on, I didn't think I would. I didn't like the feeling of having to go so fast so that it wouldn't dump me on the floor behind it. But once I got used to it, it was okay, and I definitely worked much harder than I did Monday night on the elliptical. My heart rate went up to the maximum he said we should shoot for - going between 150 and 155.

I did my whole 20 minutes on it, plus a five minute cool down, and then the trainer took me through the weight routine again. A few more times, and I'll have that routine down, I think. Oh, and I think I'm going to ask if I can do a two minute warm-up in addition to the cool down. I think it would be nice to be able to get used to the treadmill before it starts trying to dump me off the back. :)

I asked my boss today when she got back from vacation if I could keep my summer hours of 7:30 - 4:00 going all year, so that I can start working out at 4:00 instead of 4:30 (we usually switch to 8-4:30 when students are here). As it is, I'm getting there at about 4:05 and not leaving until 5:10 - I don't want that to turn into 5:40 (or 6:00 when my cardio time goes up). Luckily, she said yes, yay! It's nice to have that half an hour extra at home in the evening. Plus when winter gets here (all too soon), maybe I'll be able to get home when I can still see through the snow.

Oh,and he showed me some stretches for my calves, so they're not hurting as much today. :)

Here's a question I thought of when I got done working out yesterday, though. I felt GREAT when I left. Why can I never remember that feeling when I think about exercising and don't want to?

Gym!

2010-08-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

I have completed my first night of working out! Woo!

I left work at 4:00 and went over there, and then changed into my workout clothes and went into the gym. I knew some of what to expect, based on the sheet he gave me on Friday, but it was nice to go through it for the first time and really start getting the routine in my head.

First he took my blood pressure and resting heart rate. My heart rate was 88, and my blood pressure was 128 over 86, I think. Then he gave me this thing to put on that monitors heart rate, and we went over to the elliptical machine. He showed me that the monitor I was wearing syncs up with the machine, so my heart rate was displayed on it (cool). He said we wanted my heart rate to get between 132 and 153 (I think). I got into the 140s and stayed there, so I guess that was good.

I did my 20 minutes, at a fairly light resistance, but then it's my first day. I was dripping sweat when I was done, though, so it definitely was a workout.

Then I had a five minute cool down on the elliptical, which brought my heart rate down to about 120, and then we went to the weight machines. He showed me how to set the weights (I need to wear my contacts while I workout, though - I don't like wearing my glasses when I'm getting all sweaty, and things are just slightly blurry without them), and then I did a lot of arm work - my arms are sore this morning. And I did some reverse crunches, and some leg things on the floor, and then he showed me how to stretch out the muscles I had worked, he took my heart rate and blood pressure (heart rate just over 100, blood pressure the same as when I started). And I was done!

So, yay! Now I know exactly what to expect. He'll make things harder on me as my body gets more used to it, and I'll have to increase the length of time I spend on cardio work and increase the number of repetitions I do on weight work, but I can get through this, no problem.

I have just under 13 months until I get married - I'll be in such good shape by then! I'm so glad I'm doing this program. :)

One Minute To Go

2010-08-16T12:57:00.001-07:00

One minute until I clock out and go to the gym! Woo! I'm excited. And nervous. And happy. Mostly excited and happy.

I'll write more tomorrow about how it went!

My Workout Plan

2010-08-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

I got my workout plan! There isn't anything too surprising in it, really. Here's what it says.

First there is a lot of stuff about heart rate max (HRM), resting heart rate (RHR) and heart rate reserve (HRR). I'm not sure what the first and last thing mean, but they give numbers for them all. My HRM is 195 beats per minute (BPM), my RHR is 90 BPM and my HRR is 105 BPM. I don't know what all of that means, but I'm sure I'll have it explained to me on Monday.

Then there is a formula for lower level training zone, and one for upper level training zone, and formulas equal math which equals me zoning out immediately. Zzzzz. :)

But then it says that my training heart range is 132-153 BPM, which I understand. And then is our goals.

"Our goal is to have you do 30-45 minutes of cardio and eventually progressing to 60-90 minutes. I suggest you do this 5-7 times a week." He did say that I may start out only doing 20 minutes, and working my way up from there - did I mention I'm so out of shape I'm basically starting at ground zero here? They have a lot of treadmills there, but I'm hoping to be able to use the elliptical more - I've used one of those once, and I liked it much better than a treadmill.

Exercises that can be done for my cardio, according to this sheet: elliptical (yes!), treadmill (or walking or jogging outside), bicycle, aerobic stepping, dancing, swimming. Of those I like the elliptical, I don't mind walking outside, I love to ride bike (although it's very difficult here because of hills) and I love swimming. But my pool is out of commission and staying that way, so it's not an option. And because of the hills and my bad state of cardio health right now, the bike isn't an option this year, either. I'll pick that up in the spring.

And then there's resistance training (weight machines). My legs are already pretty strong (woo! at least one part of me is), so we're focusing more on my upper body than lower body. I'll be doing 8-10 repetitions for 2-3 sets in the following exercises:

Chest press: 50 pounds
Lat pull-down: 50 pounds
Tricep press: 26 pounds
Bicep curl: 26 pounds
Kick backs: 8 pound dumbbells
Reverse curls: 8 pound dumbbells
Sitting crunch: 26 pounds

I'm not sure what some of those exercises are, but he'll walk me through them all on Monday, so I'll be finding out pretty quickly.

And then there is a cool down to stretch all major muscles that were used. I'm to hold my stretches for a minimum of 15 seconds.

Chest stretch
Tricep stretch
Quad stretch
Hamstring stretch
Shoulder/back stretch

I'm only going to be working out at the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, because he does the orientations on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think if he doesn't have any of those scheduled we can work out then, but those days will be the exception, rather than the rule. So he put on the paper that he wants me doing cardio in my target heart range for 30-45 minutes at home. I can either go for walks or I can do videos (I'll do videos - I want to buy Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred, and before I get that there are videos I can do on Netflix's watch instantly part of their site - I love Netflix).

He also gave me a list of exercises I can do for resistance training at home:

Chair squats
Modified push-ups
Knee ups
Trunk lifts
Crunches

And there we are! That's my workout plan. I have to say, now that the orientation is over, and the stress test has come and gone, I'm kind of looking forward to getting started.

Oh, and he didn't give me any diet plan to follow or anything, but I'm planning on just tracking my food in Spark People, and I'm going to try to stick to around 1350 or 1400 calories. That's the mid-point of the range they give me for weight loss, and combined with the exercise I'll be doing, it should be sufficient for me to drop some weight. I hope. :)

Two more days of sloth-dom, and then the fun begins!

Stabbity

2010-08-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Work is making me very annoyed and stabbity today, and I wish it were 4:00 so I could get out of here already. Nothing is going right AT ALL. GAH!

I'll be going down to the Wellness Center after work to pick up my workout routine. Then I can spend the weekend thinking about how much it's going to kill me dead Monday afternoon. :)

My neck hurts. Because of my work chair. Which is part of the stabbiness of today.

That is all.

I Survived!

2010-08-11T04:54:00.001-07:00

I survived! Well of course, you all knew I would. I knew I would, too, really, but that doesn't mean I was looking forward to the experience.

So I left work just before 4:00 and drove across campus to the Wellness Center. I walked in, feeling that lazy, scared part of my brain yelling to "run away! Danger, danger, run!" But I ignored it. I went in and met the trainer, then went into the locker room (very clean - I was impressed) and changed into my workout clothes. And then the fun began.

We started with a weight and height (I'm still 5'3", and my weight was 230 so yeah, all that junk food I've been eating has given me the expected weight gain). Then he took me over to this nifty little machine that I had to stand on barefooted, and it gave my body fat percentage somehow. I have no idea how it works, but it was cool. I was expecting calipers and fat pinching, but this was much less mortifying. The number was as horrible as I'd feared, though - my body is currently 44% fat. Eek! Wow, it's a good thing I'm starting this program.

Then he took measurements - biceps, waist, hips, thighs and calves. I don't know what the numbers were, so I think I'll take my own measurements and use those for this record. After that we went to the area where the treadmill is that is used for the stress test. I had to take off my shirt (I was wearing a sports bra, though, so didn't feel at all naked), and he attached electrodes to me. He took my blood pressure. He monitored my heart at a resting rate. And then I stood on the treadmill and he gave me this apparatus that I had to put in my mouth, so that the machines could monitor my breathing and gases and all that. (That thing sucks, by the way.) And then the fun began! The treadmill started at a nice walk, and went up from there. I made it to the middle of the third stage and then I had to have him stop it. I am so out of shape! It's really scary. (And another good reason to be grateful I'm starting this program.)

After I had gotten my heart rate down to normal and sat drinking some water and cooling off for a few minutes, he unhooked me from all the electrodes, and I was able to put my shirt back on, and we went to test my strength.

I have no upper body strength. I knew that, though. My legs, though, are pretty strong! At least, since I don't work out, I was happy with how they performed. I was able to do 10 of one kind of exercise, 12 of another (with the weights set at 115), and on the machine that works your thighs and butt, I was able to lift 290 pounds six times. At least part of me is strong!

Once the strength tests were over, he tested my flexibility (I'm not very flexible), and I was done. Woo!

He had three of those orientations to do yesterday, so he said he would have my workout plan for me on Friday, and I could spend some time studying it and start working out on Monday. I have to admit - I was a little relieved to have the rest of the week off, instead of having to start working out today. :)

So that was it! Whew! Thanks for giving me encouragement in the comments - I feel like those of you who read and comment will help me keep going when all of this exercising gets underway and I get tired of doing it. So, thanks. :)

Edited because: I had the trainer send me the measurements he took of me last night, and I just got them in my e-mail. I'll post them in the sidebar. I figured that was easier than trying to take my own.

Nervous

2010-08-10T06:57:00.001-07:00

Today is the day! I didn't expect to write in here this morning, but I got up so nervous about today that I just find myself needing to.

I don't know why I'm nervous. I'm a little afraid of finding out exactly how bad my numbers are - weight, fat percentage, measurements, all of it. I'm a little nervous about being in a gym environment, because I've never really gone to a gym before - I've always worked out to videos in the privacy of my own home. So a fear of the unknown is here, for sure. But I've been told it's a very non-judgmental place, so I don't have to be afraid of people watching me with derision in their eyes.

Above all of it, though, I think there might be some trepidation because now I have to find out if I can really do this. It feels like this is the time where I'll really be giving it my all, and what if I don't succeed?

But that's not a good attitude, and the thing is, I know I can lose weight successfully - I've done it before. It's just that I was almost 20 years younger then. :P I lost 40 pounds when I was in 22, and kept most of that off until I was in my late 20s, then life got rougher, and the weight crept back on.

So yes, I can do this! I don't have to be this size for the rest of my life, I don't have to develop heart disease and diabetes like my Mom did, and I can live a long, healthy life.

Okay, pep talk over. Thanks for listening! I'll be back tomorrow with news of how tonight went!

Back on the Horse

2010-08-09T05:25:00.001-07:00

I started keeping track of my food on Spark People again. I stopped doing it all those months ago because I just couldn't bear to have to account for every single piece of food I put into my mouth anymore. I had done it for so long with no real results, that I had gotten completely fed up with it all. So I quit. Well, now I'm back to it, and it feels oddly good - I guess I took just enough time off.

And of course I'm starting to count calories again today because I have my stress test/orientation at the Wellness Center tomorrow afternoon. Woo! This is both a good thing and a very scary thing, but mostly I just feel excited to finally get this underway, and to finally feel like the tools to losing this weight once and for all are in my grasp. Time will tell, but I feel like this is something I can succeed at. I'll have a trainer pushing me, I'll have coworkers working out with me, I can't just decide I don't want to and stop. It's a good thing.

I even had a talk with my body this morning, while I was in the shower. :) I told it I was going to start eating less and eating better again, and that I was going to start working out 3-5 days a week (I think I can do three days a week at the Wellness Center, so I plan on working out at home the other two days, so that I'm getting cardio exercise five days a week - the weights I'll just do at the Wellness Center on Monday, Wednesday and Friday), and that I needed it to do its part by burning off its fat and building up its muscle, including my heart. I need that to be healthy and strong, so I can live a really long time.

Oh, and J and I finally set a wedding date! We're getting married September 10, 2011 (so, 9/10/11, which has to be one of the best wedding dates ever). Spark People's website estimated I should be at my goal weight of 140 (although I might shoot for 135 - we'll see how I feel when I get close) in June of 2011, so by the time I get married, I should be at goal and loving my body again! It's very exciting.

I don't know if I'll post in here tomorrow when I'm done with the stress test or not. It's scheduled to run 4:00-6:00, and I'm not too good at doing online stuff at home, so I may not write again until Wednesday morning. But either way, the next time I write, I'll be telling how it went and giving my scary, oh so frightening beginning numbers.

See you then!

Orientation/Stress Test Date!

2010-07-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

It took a long time, and I felt like I had to jump through a million hoops to get here, but I finally got my doctor to sign the forms for me to join the Wellness Center at work - I go to her office this afternoon to pick them up. I contacted the trainer, and the first appointment he had open for the orientation/stress test appointment was August 10th. So two weeks from this afternoon, I'll be there for two hours, getting my fat, flexibility and strength measured, as well as having my cardiovascular health tested. Fun! Or not, but it's the next hurdle, and the last one before I'll be able to start working out regularly.

So now I'm feeling an odd mix of emotions. I'm a little scared of the first visit - the words "stress test" are a bit scary for a fat, out of shape girl. And it'll be very embarrassing to have my fat measured. Blah. But on the other hand, I'm looking forward to starting to be more active and losing this fat. I want to be in better shape! Thankfully, for now the part of me that is looking forward to being in better shape is outweighing the part that is scared of that first visit (and of the work of exercising).

I'm thinking I'll post my numbers here when I start, and then again whenever he takes new measurements. I'm going to hate those first numbers, but I can't wait to see them go down!

I got the results of the blood test I had taken for this, too. First the good news: I'm not diabetic! My glucose was normal. My mother was diabetic, so this is always a very real fear for me.

Now the bad news: my cholesterol wasn't as good as my glucose! My total number was 222, my HDL is 47, my LDL is 150 and my triglycerides are 125. So my good cholesterol is too low, my bad cholesterol is too high and my triglycerides are somehow normal. I'm not sure how that is. (I looked online for what normal ranges were, because I had no idea.)

Two more weeks! Then I'll be in here complaining about how sore I am. :)

There Will Be Blood...but First, Lots of Water

2010-07-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Just a short update to say the idea of joining the Wellness Center is becoming a reality! I just finally managed to get an appointment with the doctor's office this morning to get my blood drawn. My veins are hard to find, so I drank 24 ounces of water between 6:30 and 7:15 this morning. By the time I got to the doctor's office my bladder was about to burst, but they got my blood, so all is well!

Now I just have to wait for the blood test results, and for my doctor to sign the papers and get them back to me. At this point I'm figuring it'll be August before I get started, but it is coming!

New Plan

2010-06-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

Long time no write, huh? I haven't been in here lately because nothing has changed. I didn't stick with my June challenge for even a day. I've roller skated, but that's ending, because we have things going on in July that will mean we can't use the gym. I'm eating whatever the heck I want. Nothing is changing.

But there is hope. Since I'm realizing that I just can't do this on my own, I'm thinking that in July I'm going to sign up for the wellness center here at work. My workplace reimburses us for half of the money for joining as long as we workout for at least an hour a week, and this place is ridiculously cheap anyway.

Here's how it works. I sign up for a stress test and orientation, which will cost me $25. I'll get evaluated by a trainer, and he'll show me what I need to work on and we'll talk about what my goals are. Then he comes up with a workout plan for me. For this stress test, I have to have clearance from my doctor, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Then, for the first couple of weeks or so he sticks with me while I workout, showing me how to use the various machines and proper form and all that. After that I workout on my own, but he's always around, apparently.

After that initial stress test, it's a ridiculously low fee of $15 a month. So cheap! And once I get half of that back, I'm only paying $7.50 to workout with a personal trainer for a month! Crazy, but true.

So I'm signing up starting in July. I'm hoping to arrange the stress test for either July 6th or 13th (he does them on Tuesdays), and then I would like to workout an hour a day, three or four days a week. They have you work on cardio and also with weights, so it'll be a great all over workout. I'll tell you more about it in July as I get started.

I hate working out, but I like having hope that I will actually start to change myself soon. :)

30 Days of June

2010-06-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

Today is June 2nd! I should have written yesterday, because I thought yesterday morning that I should do a 30 day challenge in June, since it has exactly 30 days, and the month started on the first day back to work after the Memorial Day weekend, so it just seemed fitting. But I wasn't sure.

I got here yesterday, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to being good for the month. But you know what? If I won't commit to making myself healthier, who will? So here I am.

This month I am challenging myself to do the following:

1. Not overeat
2. Avoid the chocolate here at work
3. Roller skate at least three days a week (four is preferable)
4. Start doing the 30 Day Shred on non-roller skating days, once I get it (which won't be until the middle of the month)

That's it, but it's basically everything I need to do. I'm not counting calories, I'm not putting any foods off-limits. Even chocolate isn't off-limits, except for that bowl of it up front, because once I go up there, I don't just leave with one piece, I leave with five or six or eight, and that's way too much. But if I pick up a candy bar at the grocery store and eat it, that's fine, as long as I don't eat too much overall that day.

Also, I'm going to start watching Losing it with Jillian, because in watching the first 10 minutes of watching the premiere online, I got the motivation to actually do this challenge this month. If I watch it every week, then hopefully I'll have fresh motivation every week, just as I'm starting to give up.

Here's to a good June, and a slightly healthier July!

Good News!

2010-05-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

I have so much good news to share today!

First, I exercised Monday, which you already know. Tuesday I planned on doing a video, but when I got home I went out and mowed the entire lawn (we had snow over the weekend, so I couldn't do it then), and by the time I was done, I was too tired to exercise, but since I had done the lawn (I have just over an acre), I didn't mind much. Last night, though, since the lawn was done, I did a half-hour video, and felt great after. Sore, but great.

As for my food, I've done pretty well! I ate too much on Tuesday, but I've been good the other days. And this morning I felt like stepping on the scale, so I did, and I'm down three pounds already this week! Woo! That made me so happy, and gave me the incentive to keep working for the rest of the week. I'd love to end with five or six pounds off this week. I know I can't expect that normally, but in the first week? I may be able to manage it. We'll see. :)

Oh, and I was just online, and Bob Seger is planning on touring this fall! Which has nothing to do with my diet, but I love Bob Seger, and he doesn't tour much. Oh how I hope we can see him! I hope he does a date somewhere close to here. Come to Central New York, Bob! (He tends to stick to the Michigan area when he does live dates. He's from there, so it makes sense, but I don't know if I can get there to see him, so I have my fingers crossed for him to come closer.)

Okay, that's all of my good news for the day. I'll let you know how my week wraps up.

What is this exercising that you speak of?

2010-05-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

So, you know what I did last night? I got home after work, took care of the animals, put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt, plopped my laptop down on top of my TV because there is a perfect open, carpeted area in front of the TV, and I logged into my Netflix account, selected a workout DVD that I could do through their "watch instantly" feature, and then I worked out! For half an hour! This is unprecedented in my recent life, so go me!

I did a Pilates video, which was great strength training, especially for my thighs and calves. It really didn't do anything for my cardio, though, so I've chosen a different DVD for tonight, one that will get me moving around and get my heart rate up.

Exercising! Me! Weird.

I ate a bit more than I had planned yesterday, but I didn't go crazy or anything, so I'm not worried about it. I think I still did fairly well.

It kind of feels good to get my body moving again. Remind me of that later this week, when I'm sore and don't want to do it, okay? :)

Eight Weeks

2010-05-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently after that seeing that horrible before picture (that's what I'm calling it in my mind), I needed one more piece of motivation to kick my ass into gear, and that motivation came in the mail on Friday. Jim and I have been invited to my nephew's wedding on July 3rd.

And okay, I'm a vain person. Weddings mean dressing up, they mean pictures being taken, and damn it for once I do NOT want to actively spend the wedding avoiding camera lenses and thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how much I hate my body. So obviously, this is my call to action.

I'm not using the dreaded "D" word. I avoid that. I hate those, they don't go well. I'm not doing that word ever again. I am, however, following a simple plan, which is this: eat four servings of fruits and veggies a day, cut out the junk food, try to eat a healthy dinner of a lean meat, with rice, and always have a glass of milk with dinner (for the calcium, plus I love it anyway).

Sounds simple enough, right? I'm also going to get my butt more active. Exercising is vital! I want to work out for at least 30 minutes a day, at least four days a week. Once final exams are over (they're going on this week), I'll be roller skating in the gym four or five days a week and then doing strength exercises for my arms and abs. For this week, I'll be doing videos on Netflix's website.

One more piece of the puzzle - lots of water! I usually get about six cups a day - I'm upping that to at least eight, but more is better.

That's my simple plan, and it started today. I'll let you know how it goes.

Picture After Effects

2010-05-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

I hate to say that I was kind of down all weekend because of that picture, but it's kind of true. I mean, I didn't spend the whole weekend hiding from the world, crying my eyes out or anything. I spent some time with Jim when he was home, I laughed, I watched TV, I read my book, I did housework, I mowed the lawn, I petted and hugged on our dogs and cats. It was all pretty normal. But in the background, underneath all the normal, the thought of that picture kept popping up in my mind. I felt fatter than normal. I felt the exact opposite of sexy (and so grateful that Jim doesn't agree with that, and in fact finds me very sexy).

But throughout the weekend, while I was going about my normal business with that picture always in the back of my mind, I starting thinking that this might be the thing I needed to help me turn this all around. You know how they say people have to "hit rock bottom" before they can start to help themselves? Was this my rock bottom?

I don't know. I have learned not to make proclamations on this blog, or even in my own head. I can come on here and exclaim that I'm never going to overeat again, that I'm going to exercise five days a week, and it sounds great, but the truth is, I will overeat again, and I won't exercise five days a week every week. But I feel like I may be facing a turning point. The only question is, will I make changes? Or will I let the image of that picture fade from my mind, and go back to that more comfortable self-image that I was carrying around prior to Friday?

I guess only time will tell. But I will say that I didn't overeat yesterday. In fact, I didn't snack at all until after dinner, when I had a small amount of barbecue chips (small as in I didn't sit there and eat the rest of the bag), a fudgsicle and a Smart Cow ice cream cone. That was probably one snack too many, but it was effing hot out there yesterday. I wanted that ice cream cone last night.

I'm also trying to make some changes to my eating habits today. This morning I'm just not snacking between breakfast and lunch. That's no problem. The hard part will be this afternoon - I always want to snack more in the afternoon.

But even if I do manage to stop snacking all the time, I still maintain that I will NOT count calories anymore. I will NOT deny myself foods. For instance, when I have my turkey sandwich for lunch today, I'll be having chips with it, instead of forcing myself to eat carrot sticks (I've tried and tried, but I just don't like carrots). I can still have the stuff I like - I just don't have to eat so freaking MUCH of it. You know?

Anyway. I'm holding onto that picture. I won't post it here right now, but if I actually manage to lose weight this year, maybe I'll post it later, as a "before" picture to go with a much smaller "after" picture. We'll see.

Truthfully, I just want to feel comfortable with my body again. I want to not hate the way I look. I want to feel like I can go places without having to hide all extra flesh. I want to be able to look at my pictures and my reflection in a mirror without hating what I see. Why is that so hard to achieve? Why are so many of my inner demons based on food?

Okay, it's time to end this entry now. I didn't get enough sleep last night (too hot), and I'm rambling and sounding more depressed than I really am (mostly, I'm just tired).

The Truth is in the Picture

2010-04-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have always hated having my picture taken. No matter my current weight or style, I never like the way I look in pictures (although the distance of some years can make me quite fond of those same pictures I hated when they were new). So imagine my joy when I had to pose for a picture at work today - a full body picture, showing all of my bad, bulgy parts.

The picture is for a workplace safety slideshow that our intern is putting together. The pictures were taken with my camera, so when we were done, I had no choice but to see that picture of myself, as I got them all on my computer and then on the intern's flash drive.

I.am.FAT. Oh man. There is a reason I avoid full length mirrors and pictures of myself. It's because they tell the truth. When I avoid them, I can live in denial, and enjoy a self-image that is much smaller.

And of course, I had to think that if I had just stuck with my diet last year, I would be at my goal weight right now, and I would have been nice and svelte in a pair of size 8 pants and a medium top (instead of my current 18 and extra large).

While that may be true, I'm willing to bet I would still have hated the picture. :D

My eating is still not under control. I did, however, roller skate two days this week - Tuesday and Wednesday - for about 45 minutes the first day, and almost an hour the second. Even with stops, that's pretty good, and I worked up a good sweat both days. I'm very happy that we're going to be doing this all summer (I'm thinking four days a week, when the gym is free, which it mostly will be). At least maybe I can be in better physical health by the end of the summer.

And who knows, maybe I'll get my eating under control, too. Maybe I won't hate the image cameras and mirrors show me quite as much by the end of 2010. We'll see!

Roller Girl

2010-04-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

My friend Jamie and I had planned to skate on Tuesday and Wednesday this week - Tuesday didn't work out because an event was scheduled in the gym, but Wednesday worked fine! So at 4:45 or so I was sitting in the gym, blowing the dust and pet hair off my sad, neglected roller skates, slipping them on and tying them up.

Here are a couple of things I had forgotten about roller skating:

1. It requires your body to do actual work!
2. That work makes you breathe hard!
3. That work also makes your legs hurt like mad!

But what I didn't forget about roller skating is: it's mad amounts of fun. We need to find some way of having music in there while we're doing it, but it was a lot of fun skating around with Jamie (and his brother, once he got there to join us). I can't wait to do it again.

When I got home last night, I was exhausted and my legs were sore. But I'm so glad we decided to do it! This is exercise that I can happily do every day and never dread it. Once the semester is over and the students go home (four weeks from now), we'll be able to do it every day if we want. Yay! I love roller skating!

Roller Skating Fools

2010-04-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence in here. I haven't really had anything good to say, so I've stayed away. I've been eating crazy - it's not under control at all. I can feel my weight coming back on. I haven't weighed myself, and I'm not looking to any time soon, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm almost back to where I was last year when I first went on the diet that had me eventually lose 20 pounds. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself.

But! If I can't get my food under control quite yet, at least I can start exercising. And my friend Jamie and I are going to start having some FUN exercise. Two days a week, to start, we're going to strap on our roller skates and skate around the gym at work. :) We'll do it after work, after the students are done with their classes (there are classrooms under the gym). Once the semester is over, we may do it more often, but for now they have things scheduled in there so much that two days a week is pretty much all we can fit in.

So, yay! Fun exercise, coming up. I'll bring my yoga pants in to wear when doing it, so I won't be in my work clothes. And I love roller skating - it's the most fun.

I'm also planning on ordering the 30 Day Shred DVD. I think I'll have enough money to order it this week, but I haven't figured out my budget yet. It might have to wait until next payday. But I'll get it, and I'll start doing that eventually, too.

And the food will get back under control soon, I'm sure. It has to!

Am I Hungry? Really?

2010-03-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

It finally happened - I got sick of eating junk food almost non-stop! Woo! So today I started trying to just listen to my body's cues for when it needs food. It's so confusing in the beginning, though! I really think I don't know how to interpret my body's cues very well.

For instance: I went to lunch at 11:30, and had a 5" turkey and cheese sub, with a single serving bag of Fritos. Now, barely an hour after I finished eating, my stomach is rumbling? That doesn't seem right. I'm ignoring it for now. If it gets really insistent and I start thinking, "I'm hungry" involuntarily (I do that), then I'll eat something.

Still. I hope if I can keep this up, that my body and my head will end up in sync at some point!

Update of Sorts

2010-03-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit quiet in here lately, huh? Yeah, I guess I haven't had much to report. When I was reading that book about how to stop emotional eating (whatever the name of it was), the author mentioned that when she stopped trying to "diet," she went through a couple of weeks where she just ate whatever she wanted, letting herself have all of the foods she had made forbidden for so long. For her, that translated into eating chocolate chip cookies pretty much morning, Noon and night. When I started saying I wasn't going to diet anymore, I thought I wouldn't need to do what she had done. Uh, I was wrong.

So yeah, I've been eating a TON of crap. Chocolate chip cookies, Pop-Tarts, candy bars, Cadbury Mini Eggs (only available at Easter, and oh so delicious), and pretty much anything else that I love but never let myself have when I was trying to stick to a diet. I'm not sure when this is going to end. I think I'm just about ready to start listening to my body and eating when it needs me to. And I think I'm going to try doing the 30-Day Shred in April. I just have to decide if I'm going to get it from Netflix, or if I'm going to buy it. I'll check out how much it costs on Amazon, and decide. Then I have to decide if I'm going to get up early and do it in the morning, or if I'm going to try to do it at night when I come home from work. Earlier is better, I think.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also, I was supposed to have my cyst cut out of my head this last Friday. I left work early, went home and changed into a non-work shirt in case I bled a lot, and Jim took me to the doctor's office. I walk in the door and tell the receptionist person who I am, and she says, "Oh, didn't you get my message?" Ugh. The doctor was out sick, so they canceled on me AGAIN. She supposedly called the day before and left a message, but I didn't have a message from them, so I'm thinking they called the wrong number, and told some random stranger that my appointment was canceled. Oh well. So Jim and I left and went to lunch together. :) My appointment is rescheduled for Friday, March 19th. Maybe I'll actually get rid of the cyst then!

As for the food, I'll let you know when I seem to be ready to stop ingesting chocolate and other junk, and get to work on that new approach to eating that I'm supposed to have going. :P

I Hereby Vow To Avoid the Crisp (Cookie Crisp, That Is)

2010-03-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

So. I can't expect to be perfect on day one of really trying to follow my three simple rules, right?

Right?

I didn't think so. Which must be why I went home after work yesterday, got my chicken ready to put in the oven, and then while it was baking, I got the Cookie Crisp cereal out of the cupboard and ate a LOT of it. Dry. Straight out of the box.

Then I ate some rice while my chicken was still cooking. Then I ate my chicken. Then I MADE CHOCOLATE DROP COOKIE DOUGH AND MADE COOKIES. Yes, I did. At 8:30 at night.

Oy.

At least I screwed up the cookies, so most of them ended up in the trash. I underbaked the first sheet, and overbaked the second sheet, so I didn't eat nearly as many as I would have if I hadn't effed them up. I ate enough, though.

But. I came to work today and wasn't hungry. Following my new rules, I should have skipped breakfast and just eaten lunch, because I would most likely have been hungry by then, right? Well, I ate my peanut butter toast for breakfast anyway, lack of hunger be damned.

But! Again with the but! I went to lunch at 11:30, and was still full from the peanut butter toast and all the calories from last night, so I didn't eat lunch! So, maybe there is hope for me after all. I'm sure I'll suddenly be starving by 2:00, at which point I'll eat some strawberry Mini Wheats that I have in my drawer, and then when I go home I'll eat a leftover chicken breast and some rice, and I'll watch the SU basketball game (we're #1 now, yay!), and I'll behave much better than I did last night.

This whole thing of readjusting my attitude towards food and eating is obviously going to take some time. I'm going to keep plugging away at it, though. I'll take the bad with the good and hope to eventually have more good than bad, and I'll be happy.

And I promise not to eat the rest of the dry Cookie Crisp tonight. :)

Debate of the Chips

2010-03-01T10:27:00.000-08:00

I've been doing well all day. I had my peanut butter toast for breakfast, then a turkey sandwich for lunch, and a small box of yogurt covered raisins when I got back to my desk after lunch. Then I was nice and full and fine for an hour or so. Then the urge to snack hit. I wasn't hungry, but this was what was sitting next to me:

That's half of a single serving bag of Baked Lay's barbecue flavored chips. Here's a snapshot into my mind, as I contemplated eating it.

"It's just half a bag."
But I'm not hungry, I don't need it.
"Half a bag! And it's right there! You know they'll taste oh so good."
(Reaches for bag, picks it up, then puts it down.) No! I don't need it, I'm not hungry.
"Aww, come on. It's just half a bag. It won't hurt anything! You're probably not eating enough calories anyway!"
(Looks at the chip bag again, mentally shakes head.) No. I don't need it.
"Wannnnnnt chippppppps."
(Puts bag of chips behind paper stand thing that holds my work, gets out a pack of gum.) Out of sight out of mind. I'm going to chew a piece of gum now.
"You suck."

Thank goodness for Trident Layers. I'm so glad I bought a pack when we got groceries this week!

Update from later: I ate the chips about two minutes ago, after I finally actually felt some hunger. :)

Small Steps

2010-03-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it's been to shed the "diet" mentality. I feel so free! I was surprised by how much relief I felt at no longer having to think about my food all the time. I didn't really consider any foods off limits before, or at least not many, and yet I was counting calories and thinking about every bite I put into my mouth, and worse yet, I was judging myself and chastising myself when I did "bad" on my diet, and basically just messing with myself mentally every single day. So the sudden absence of any guilt, of the over-thinking, has been a great feeling.

Now I feel like the real work is beginning. I'm not dieting anymore, and if this goes as well as I think it will, I'll never "diet" again. But I am starting to work on changing my eating habits. I have a few simple rules to follow, which I've probably already listed, but I'm going to list them here, too. Repetition isn't always a bad thing.

1. Eat when I'm hungry.
2. Stop eating when I'm full.
3. Don't eat for emotional reasons.

That's it! It's that simple. Of course, it's deceptively simple. I've been eating for emotional reasons for most of my adult life. It's going to be a very hard habit to break. It means I'm going to have to start facing my emotions and dealing with them without softening the edges of them with comfort food (junk food, usually). That is not going to be easy. But it's a challenge I have to tackle head on.

And of course, when I'm eating for non-hunger reasons, it isn't always based on emotions. Sometimes it's simple habit, or just a basic desire to keep doing something that I find pleasurable. When I have a tasty, satisfying meal, I find myself with a strong urge to follow that up with something dessert like. But if I'm full from dinner, the dessert isn't necessary, and if I want to eat a dessert, even something as simple as a cookie, then I need to just eat lighter at dinner to leave room.

I've started trying to live by these three rules, but in all honesty, the steps I've taken have been small at first. I did really well on Friday, I think - I avoided eating for any non-hunger reasons, and I didn't eat too much in my meals, I don't think. I was home on Friday for a snow day (our driveway was PACKED with heavy, wet snow up to my thighs), and I was alone for the first chunk of the day, since Jim was at work (had been from the night before). I was proud of the choices I made for breakfast and lunch, and didn't snack at all outside of those meals. For dinner I had been planning on taking us out, but my tax refund didn't come in, and Jim was tired anyway, so I made myself some rigatoni and two pieces of toast with butter and garlic powder on them (fake garlic bread, I call it). I ate my dinner with a glass of milk, and later that evening I went into the bedroom to watch a DVD, and took a 100 calorie pack of cookies with me to have as a snack. The only thing was, I was full from dinner, and imagine this, I never ate the cookies! Strange, but true.

The weekend was a little worse, simply because we kind of had a food-centric weekend. There was a big SU game on Saturday night, and we bought snacks for that, and some of those snacks bled over into Sunday, too. But that's fine, and I did make a few smart choices that I was proud of.

First, we went to Denny's Saturday for a late breakfast/early lunch. I got a cheeseburger and seasoned fries. I ate the whole cheeseburger, and ate about half of the fries - and then I pushed the plate away and took the remaining fries home. This felt like a huge thing, because I would usually have sat there saying I needed to take them home, but I would have picked and picked, and they would have been gone before we left. But I stopped eating when I was full, and took the rest home and had them for dinner.

The second good thing I did when I got home was wait before I let myself start with the snack foods we bought for the game. I was still full when I got home, and yet I wanted to dig into my Xtra Cheddar Goldfish as soon as I got them unpacked from the grocery bags. I made myself wait, though, until after dinner. I got hungry about 4:00, so I heated up my fries and then I let myself have the Goldfish when I was done with them.

So, small steps over the weekend, but today the real work begins. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's Just Food

2010-02-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot of what I said at the end of the last post I wrote here. I haven't had a "healthy" relationship with food for so many years - most of my life! I'd say the last point in my life where I ate when I was hungry, exercised more than I ate, and didn't feel the need to eat in response to emotions instead of physical hunger has to be back when I was a pre-teen.

I'm 40 now. That means I've been dealing with this obsession and unhealthy attitude with food for close to 30 years! It's just not good, and I can't stand it anymore.

I'm also sick to death of recording my food in Spark People every day. It's a great tool, and it's helped me to realize how much of a difference there is between what I need to eat, and how much I want to eat. But I'm sick of doing it.

I'm sick of "dieting." I'm sick of some foods being off limits. I'm sick of having to stop and think about whether or not I have enough calories left to let myself have a Skinny Cow ice cream cone at the end of the day.

I've had enough.

I'm not giving up on losing weight - not at all. But I think right now, I need to concentrate more on fixing this dysfunctional relationship with food that I have. Yesterday I looked at my stack of snacks that I keep on my desk at work (100 calorie packs, applesauce, yogurt covered raisins), and said to myself, "it's just food." And that's true. It's not going to make me happy when I'm sad, it's not going to make me any less lonely when Jim is at work and I am missing him, it's not going to make me any less bored when I have nothing to do, it's not going to make the hours at work go by any faster.

It's just food.

So I'm not weighing in for a while. I'm not counting calories for a while. I'm just going to put that stuff on the back burner for a while and focus on training myself to listen to my body to tell me what it needs. I can trust it - it knows what it's doing. My head is screwed up, but my body has always known what it needs.

When I want to snack, I'll stop and examine my motives for it. Am I hungry? If not, then what am I? Am I bored, lonely, sad? Am I eating out of habit? If the reason isn't hunger, then I need to figure out what the reason is, so I can stop just blindly shoving food in my mouth and not knowing why.

And damn it, if I want to eat French fries sometimes, if I want to get chocolate chip cookie dough and bake it, I'm going to let myself. I'll have them, I'll stop eating them when I'm full, and I'll move on.

I'll check back in with a weight in a month. Okay, a month and one day - I'll weigh in again, officially, on March 26th. And in the meantime, I'll check in and let you know how it's going. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and don't, I'll let you know. When I want to eat for emotional reasons and am not able to stop myself, I'll tell you that, too. Hopefully by the time the month is over, I'll be more in tune with my body, I'll be obsessing a little less over junk food and all of the stuff that is "off limits" and hopefully, I'll be a bit smaller. We'll see.

All I know for sure at this point is that I can't continue to live my life like this. I can't go on obsessing about food. I can't go on eating away my emotions (because it doesn't work anyway - the emotions are still there when the food is gone).

Here's to starting to develop a healthier relationship with food.

Crampy!

2010-02-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a crampy, pain filled week around here. I've been bloated and popping Advil and feeling like a half drowned cow.

Lovely, yes?

But the cramps are going away, the pain is receding, and I no longer feel like I'm carrying a gallon of water around in my belly fat. So, things are looking up.

Isn't it fun being a woman sometimes? :D

I stepped on the scale this morning, with it set at last week's Friday Weigh-In weight. It laughed at me and said I needed to think again, because I may have felt like I had gotten back to normal, but in reality I was still holding onto a lot of water. Or else I ate too many fries last night.

Yes, I had fries. The restaurant I do marketing for at work called and offered me food in exchange for delivering their updated menu to them. They asked if they could bribe me with food, and I said you can ALWAYS bribe me with food. And I took my chicken tenders (barbecue flavor) and fries, handed them their menus, and drooled all the way home.

In all fairness, though, I only ate two of the tenders - the rest are in the fridge for tonight's dinner. I did eat all of the fries, though. And I don't regret it - they were delicious. :)

We'll see if the scale is still laughing at me on Friday, though. Oy.

Do you ever wish you could just stop having to think about food? Do you ever wish you could just eat when you were hungry, giving your body what it was craving, without worrying about calories, carbs or fat grams? Do you ever wish you could go back to the way it was when you were a little kid, and food was something to enjoy but not something to obsess over?

Or is that just me?

Gah! Effing Winter Anyway

2010-02-19T05:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, first for my weigh-in. I told you not to expect big things this week, and I wasn't exaggerating. I spent what, a week and a half eating too much? Something like that. And I'm a champion weight gainer, so after four days of being good again, I'm only at 210 - 3/4 of a pound more than I was two weeks ago. I expected that, though, so I'm not upset. You misbehave, and you pay the price. It's simple.

But I've been really good this week, sticking to my calories every day and riding that exercise bike every night. I'll tell you right now, though, that I'm giving myself a pass on that bike tonight. Why? Here's why.

I don't know if I've mentioned in here before or not that I've been giving a woman from work a ride every day since the beginning of the semester, because she fell and broke her ankle. It was her left ankle, and she drives an automatic, so really she should have been fine to drive herself, but she's older (62) and a nervous person, and she didn't feel comfortable driving herself. Which is fine. I was fine picking her up every morning and dropping her off every night. We've had no problems at all the whole time. Until this morning.

It's snowy here this morning. The roads were covered in it, and so are the driveways. Her plow guy, for some reason, doesn't like to come plow her driveway unless she calls him. She has a driveway that goes uphill, and lives in a very windy area, so as you can imagine, her driveway gets pretty bad.

So, I get there, and look up the driveway, wondering if it's a good idea to pull up it, but I do anyway. I get to the top without any problems, and she asks if she can ride with me (she went to the doctor on Wednesday, and got the all clear to put her weight on her foot, so she actually drove herself yesterday, and I just stopped to make sure she got down her stairs and into her car okay - that was the plan for today, too). But this morning the car was covered with ice, and she panicked and didn't want to be standing around the car scraping it off - she was afraid of falling. Of course, if she had just gone out 20 minutes earlier and started the car and turned on the defrosters, there wouldn't have been any scraping to do, but whatever.

Of course I said fine, you can ride with me. And I tried to turn around to get closer to her, and also to get the car aimed nose first down the driveway. And I got stuck.

Fuck! I got out and used her shovel to clear the snow away from the tires, and actually got free. I couldn't get the car to drive back straight up, so I tried to back all the way down. Only I couldn't see where the driveway ended and the lawn began (that's a problem when the driveway HASN'T BEEN PLOWED), and I got stuck AGAIN. And this time no matter how much I shoveled, I couldn't get my car free. We had to leave it there, stuck in the snow. The poor thing.

I walked back up the driveway, hot and sweaty and tired, and we started her car, finally, and scraped off the ice, and I called work to say we were going to be late, and we managed to get her car out and get to work.

She's calling AAA to tow my car out of the snowbank, and her stupid fucking plow guy came and cleared the driveway (after we were at work), so I'll be able to drive home from her house.

But I definitely got my workout this morning, and if I don't feel up to riding that bike when I get home, I don't have to. Also, is it time to go home yet? Better yet, can it magically be later than that, so I'll just already be home, with my little red car in the garage, my pajamas on? Because that sounds amazing right now.

Sigh.

Anyway, back to the diet - I'm going to continue sticking to my calorie limit, and I'm going to continue to exercise every day, and we'll see what next Friday brings. I'm hoping for about 208.

Oh, also! I did so good last night! Jim called me on his way home and said he was at McDonald's, and he knew I was being good, but did I just want a small bag of fries or something? And I said no. I turned down McDonald's! Wow. I was proud of myself. (Also, I may have to have a double cheeseburger and fries on my next cheat day.)

Okay, that's all from me for now. I'm going to go wait for my feet, socks and pants to dry out. Have a good weekend!

I lied, I have more to say. While I was reading over all of the above, the woman whose driveway my poor car is stuck in came in to say that AAA won't come to tow the car without someone being there, so she told them to come at about 4:40 - after we've left work and gotten back to her house. But of course there's no guarantee they'll come right at 4:40, so I could be sitting at her house for a little while.

I really need my weekend now, please. Thanks.

Cyst News

2010-02-16T06:12:00.001-08:00

I was supposed to have my cyst removed this Friday, but the doctor is going to be out of the office that day, so I had to reschedule. Now I'll be waiting until March 5th - only two more weeks, so that's fine.

Although I was kind of looking forward to getting it over with. :)

So, day one of behaving went really well! I stayed to the food I had scheduled for the day, and I rode the exercise bike for 15 minutes. The bike was harder than it has been, because Jim adjusted the tension on it - is that the right word? Anyway, he made it harder. I never touch the knob (it's Jim's bike, I don't want to mess up his settings), but apparently it was on like zero resistance, so he upped it. I did turn it back down a bit (he's in much better shape than I am), but I kept more on it than I've been feeling, and that 15 minutes seemed like it would never end! And when I was done, I was feeling out of breath and tired, which really, I should feel after a workout. So I was pleased with myself.

Today is day two! I have my food all planned for the day, for the most part. Dinner is a question mark, because Jim said he might get us Subway for dinner. If he doesn't, I'll have my last piece of leftover lasagna, so either way, I'll be happy. And I'll have enough calories left for either, so it won't matter which way we go.

I'm not looking forward to that bike tonight, though! :) I am, however, looking forward to watching the last night of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! I love dog shows. The working dogs are my favorite, and their group is tonight. Woo!

Late February Pledge (to myself)

2010-02-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

Today is February 15th, meaning there are exactly 14 days left in February (counting today). For the next 14 days, I am pledging the following:

1. I will stay within my calorie limits of 1250-1550 calories EVERY DAY, including Friday, Saturday and Sunday (my trouble times).

2. I will get my ass on the seat of our exercise bike, and I will ride it EVERY WEEKNIGHT. And when I say I will ride it, I mean I will push myself to go as fast and hard as I can, for as long as I can. And that will mean at least 15 minutes.

It's a simple pledge. It's something I've done for a lot longer than two weeks, so it should be a walk in the park. 2010 is my year! I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So, in other news, my Valentine's weekend went so well! I have the best Valentine ever in my Jim. He got me a new pair of boots that I had been coveting. He got me the latest book by Diana Gabaldon (I love the Jamie and Clare books, and I've actually planned to reread them all before reading this new one). He got me not one, not two, but three cards (he's a great card giver). He sent me the beautiful roses at work on Friday, which I spent the whole weekend carrying from room to room with me, so that they would always be in my line of sight. He took me to the movies on Saturday. And he made me lasagna and garlic bread last night for dinner! I ate two pieces of each, and then spent the night burping up cheese (lactose intolerant). I don't care, though, because it was delicious. I love lasagna!

Oh, and I made cutout sugar cookies, with homemade frosting. And I ate some. Ahem. :) Just a warning - this Friday's weigh-in may not be great. I'm looking forward to seeing what a difference two weeks of actually behaving can do for me, though.

Valentine's :)

2010-02-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

This is not at all related to my health or my diet, but I had to share. Looky what Jim had sent to me at work today. :D

I swear, I felt every woman in the place seething with jealousy after they came. :)

He's also going to make me a lasagna dinner (with garlic bread) on Sunday, and he bought me some great boots that I can't wait to get, as well as a book that I wanted.

Am I spoiled or what?

(And I know about the gifts ahead of time because he had me try on the boots to make sure they fit. He didn't have to show me the book, but he did. I'll get them both on Sunday.)

Thank you Jim!

So Relaxed

2010-02-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

No weigh-in today. After the week I had, I felt the need to stay away from the scale. I'll weigh in again next Friday, though.

So, I work at a college that has a massage therapy program for the students. I've never gotten a massage before, but today we had arranged for some of the students to come give chair massages to the people in our office. I just spent 15 minutes getting my back rubbed, my arms rubbed, and wow! I love it. I wish they could come every day. So amazing!

I still don't see myself ever getting a massage that I had to strip down to nothing for, but this kind? Oh yeah, they could come every day, and I'd be happy. Wow. So nice!

Also, I found out that apparently I still have an oily forehead, because the paper they put under my face was blotchy when I got up. That was slightly embarrassing, but what can you do?

Oh, and my boss was joking about how she wanted the door closed when she was in there, so no one would see her drooling. I laughed, but I had to fight to keep from drooling for real! Ha!

I'm looking forward to this weekend, too. Jim is actually off all weekend, so we get to spend both days together. We might get to go see the werewolf movie that I can't remember the name of, and he's going to make me dinner on Sunday - lasagna and garlic bread. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend, too!

A New Day Dawns

2010-02-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, yesterday I needed to eat all day, my head just needed me to stuff food in my mouth all day long, and I was all emotional and figuratively tearing my hair out, wailing, "why can't I succeed at my diet? Why?"

And then a new day dawns, and whatever was making me stuff food in my mouth all day yesterday has gone away, and I am once again in control and doing well.

The next time I get all whiny and despair of ever losing this weight, and wonder why, why, why - remind me, will you, that these days come every so often, but they go as quick as they came?

Thanks. :)

So yes, back in control today, and kind of wishing I were at home right now, because I want to do an exercise video. Hopefully that feeling will stay with me until I get home tonight. We'll see.

Thanks for the good thoughts and comments yesterday, Sally and Melissa! I actually haven't read them yet - I was so in my head and emotional yesterday, I just couldn't. Weird, but true. I'll read them as soon as I get done here, though.

It feels good to be back in control!

Crisis

2010-02-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm having a crisis this week. I want to eat and eat, and I don't know why! I'm trying to examine my feelings and my moods, but I just don't know what the problem is. I'm not physically hungry at all, and yet I want to eat so much. Is it emotional issues? Is it hormones? I'm at the mid-point in my cycle, so it wouldn't seem like that would be it, but then maybe I'm ovulating and that's messing me up.

I have no idea.

If it's emotional, then what's my issue? Sure I gained the weight when Mom was sick and then after she died, but losing it won't make her die again, and keeping the weight on won't bring her back. Jim fell in love with me the way I am now, but he won't stop loving me if I lose weight. I know I gained some of the weight as a way to keep men away and to isolate myself because I was so afraid of facing my relationship issues, but I got past those and let Jim into my life, so I don't need to hold onto the weight out of insecurity anymore.

So what's going on? I still have no idea.

I'm not giving up, but I am struggling right now. I have to be honest about that. Losing weight, for me, is much more of an emotional struggle than a physical one. I'm trying to figure out what's in my head, so I can get past it.

Right now, though, all I want to do is eat. I'm trying not to eat too much.

Reading back over this just now, I was struck by another thought - do I think I'm not worth it? I don't know how to put this thought into words so you can understand, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If that's what it is, though, I have news for my subconscious - I AM worth it. I deserve to be healthy and fit and happy, and I deserve to feel attractive.

Cheat Day Heavy

2010-02-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

I had two bad ideas yesterday. First was having a cheat day when I was going to be home alone all day. It means I basically spent the entire day eating while watching TV, eating while playing the Sims 3, eating while watching more TV, and oh yeah, eating while playing more Sims 3. And I did two loads of laundry and vacuumed the downstairs. That's about it. Oh, and I rode the exercise bike - for all of five minutes. Ha!

The second bad idea was going grocery shopping while I was hungry (hadn't eaten breakfast). As I'm sure you know, if you go grocery shopping while you're hungry, everything looks good. I ate xtra cheddar Goldfish, I ate chocolate chip cookie dough, I ate chocolate chip cookies, I ate frozen waffles, toasted and covered in maple syrup. Oy. I ate so much I had trouble falling asleep last night, I was so full (and kind of sick, honestly).

So now I will be spending the week attempting to reverse the damage. I didn't step on the scale this morning, and will be avoiding it until Friday, but let's just say that I'll be happy if I get down to 208 this week, because I know I gained weight yesterday.

Also, I think riding the exercise bike is good every so often, but I don't get that much of a cardiovascular workout from it. Maybe I just don't go fast enough, I don't know. I tend to get a better workout from videos, though, so I'm going to start cycling through some I have in my Netflix queue to watch instantly. If I do those for the rest of this month, three or four times a week, then I should be able to do the 30 day shred next month! I really want to test out Jillian Michael's claim that "you can lose up to 20 pounds" in one month while doing it! Not that I really expect to lose 20 pounds in one month, but I want to see how much I do lose.

I'm feeling kind of down on myself today, because I just ate SO MUCH yesterday. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not really accomplishing anything, even though I know that's not true. The weight may be coming off slowly, but at least it is coming off, and I'll keep up that steady forward progress.

That doesn't stop me from wishing it could all come off FAST, though. :P

If I do a video tonight, I'll let you know tomorrow how it went.

New Weight

2010-02-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

Today is weigh-in day, yay! This morning I stepped on the scale and weighed 209.25. That's three and a half pounds less than last week, but you have to remember that the scale was adjusted after last week's weigh-in, so I have no idea how much I actually lost for sure. It was somewhere in the range of two pounds, though, so it's normal. Yay!

I'm giving myself a cheat day on Sunday, because it's Super Bowl Sunday, I'm going to be alone all day, and I've been wanting some chocolate chip cookie dough/cookies, so I'm giving it to myself that day. :) I'll try to stick to my calorie limit tomorrow, though.

One more week down!

Baby Steps

2010-02-03T10:14:00.001-08:00

Last night Jim rode the exercise bike while I was on the phone with my phone company, checking on our Internet service, which has been out since Sunday night. And when he got off, I GOT ON! I only did 10 minutes, but I told myself that was the minimum I could do, and that's what I did. But still, I did it, so woo!

Can you tell I hate exercise? I seriously have to force myself to just do 10 minutes. Hee. Oh well.

Also, since our Internet has been out, I've been estimating my calories in the evenings (I usually keep track online with sparkpeople). Last night I actually ended up eating 100 or so calories less than I usually do, and I didn't really miss it! Odd, but true. I was really hungry when I got up this morning, though.

Hopefully our Internet will be back on this afternoon (if we don't need a new modem, which I'm almost thinking we do), and if so, I'll be able to keep track again. And I'll also sit down and try to do 15 minutes on the bike tonight.

Baby steps, people - it's how all changes begin, don't you think? :)

February's Goals

2010-02-01T07:52:00.001-08:00

A new month has started, and just like that I'm in month two of my effort to lose weight in 2010! I feel like January was pretty successful, but I also feel like I can do way better. So here are some goals for February!

First of all, I've been very bad on the weekends in January. I basically weighed in on Friday morning and immediately started eating whatever I wanted, and didn't stop until Sunday night. That makes three cheat days, if you're counting, and that's about two per week too many. So goal number one:

1. Limit myself to ONE cheat day per week. I'll decide in advance which day that is going to be, depending on what day Jim is going to be home, what we have planned, etc. That cheat day will probably always be either Saturday or Sunday. On the six non-cheat days I will stick to my daily limit of 1250-1550 calories.

Second of all, I have been very bad at exercising, in that except for a few simple exercises to loosen up my tight neck and shoulder muscles, I haven't done any exercising at all yet this year! Obviously that can't continue, because as much as I wish it wasn't so, exercise is a vital part of any weight loss endeavor. So goal number two for this month:

2. Exercise at least four days per week. I'll start out with at least 10 minutes on the exercise bike, since I've done nothing at all for so long. Once I start to get into better shape and can do more, I'll add more minutes every day. My goal eventually is to try Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I've heard that it's a killer, though, so I'll wait until at least March for that. February can be my training month (and if you know anything about this video, and think I should wait longer, please tell me - I don't want to push myself, but I do need to step up the exercising).

I'm not setting a weight loss goal for the month, because that kind of thing tends to backfire on me if I don't make it (i.e., I make a goal, don't reach it, and then overeat for a while to console myself). I'm getting closer to that ever elusive under 200 number, though, and I should be able to reach it in March, at the latest. Here's hoping!

Okay, two simple goals. If I stick to them, though, February can be a very successful month!

Scales Adjusted

2010-01-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

We fixed my scales today. Jim brought up 40 pounds of weights, and we put them on the scale, and it weighed them as 41.5 pounds. So he adjusted it until it read exactly 40. We'll see how that adjusts my weigh-in this Friday. :)

January 29 Weigh In

2010-01-29T05:33:00.000-08:00

I had to open up my blog this morning to find out how much I weighed last week, because I couldn't remember, so I didn't know how well I had done this week. Well, good news! Last week I weighed 214.75, and this week I weighed in at 212.75! Yay!

(Of course, in my head I'm adding that I weighed 212.75, but really it's about 209.75 because our scale is wrong.)

Anyway, yay! And I know I should be taking this week by week, day by day, and I really am, but I can't help thinking that in 5 short weeks I could finally be under that 200 number again! Technically, I was there last summer, but I didn't know my scale was weighing in heavy at the time, so when I got to 200.5 and started freaking out for some stupid reason that only my subconscious knows, I was actually about 197.5. But I didn't know the scale was wrong then, so whatever - it doesn't count. So I'm looking forward to getting there for real in the beginning of March.

There is other progress, too. When my two months of eating whatever I want ended, I no longer needed a belt with most of my pants, and the two pair that did require one only needed the belt in the first hole (or last hole, depending on your perspective, I guess - I mean it was at its largest, obviously.). This week I started pulling that belt in one more hole. :)

It feels good to be going back down instead of up.

Woo! Two more pounds gone!

More Health Stuff

2010-01-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

I got a note in the mail from my doctor yesterday, saying that my mammogram looked normal, and we'd do a recheck in a year. Yay! Not that I was worried, but it's still nice to see that it was good.

Then I went to the doctor's office this morning to have fasting bloodwork taken, but it didn't work out so well. My veins are deep and hard to find, and the nurse couldn't find them. She only tried in my left arm, and said she was using the blood donation scars as a guide, but when I got to work and took off the bandage, she was over 1/4 of an inch away from those scars. Sigh.

So now I have to go to the hospital before work one morning to get them to draw it. So annoying! What kind of blood taker is she, if she sticks me once and then gives up?

Oh well. I'll go next week to get it taken, I guess.

Weigh-in day is tomorrow! I'm hoping to have good news to report. :)

Rambling

2010-01-26T05:21:00.001-08:00

I don't really have much to say today, but I wanted to update anyway. Jim and I had a very nice weekend, and Sunday turned into sort of a cheat day while we ate Lay's Stax and watched football games. :) It's all okay, though, because I got back on track with my calories yesterday, and my uterus is finally doing it's monthly job, so I'm feeling good.

So, my mammogram went well last week. It wasn't bad at all - a small bit of pain while they were squished, but nothing unbearable. When I was done, she went and looked at them and told me she'd see me next year, so I guess I'm fine. I'm sure my doctor will talk to me about the scans when she sees me in February anyway, though.

Thursday morning I have to go get blood drawn for my annual fasting bloodwork. My mother had diabetes, heart attacks and strokes, so there is a lot of stuff to look for in my blood, to make sure I don't follow her down those paths. Fingers crossed.

And then in February I get to go back again to get a cyst cut out of my head! I don't know if I mentioned it in here, but I found a bump on my head in November, I think, and have since found it is a cyst. It's been bothering me - it hurts when I comb my hair, wash my hair and sleep on my right side - so the doctor is going to cut it out. She warned me that she would have to shave a bit of my hair, but I knew that, and it'll grow back and I'll be able to cover the shaved spot, so it's fine. Then she said I wouldn't be able to wash my hair for two days! Uh, that's a bigger deal than you shaving a patch of it off. Hee. So I scheduled the procedure for a Friday, so that my greasy haired days can be on the weekend, when I'm not at work and don't have to leave the house if I don't want to.

Okay, that's all I have for today. I'll be back Friday, if not before, with my weigh-in. :)

Weigh-In

2010-01-22T06:08:00.001-08:00

Well, not great news from the scale this week, but I'm not upset about it for one simple reason - I'm on day 38 of my monthly cycle (not abnormally late for me), so my period is gearing up to come at some point soon, I would guess, and I always gain some water weight with that. So I may have actually lost more weight than the scale is showing.

Also, I've been reading that book I mentioned here yesterday, and reevaluating how I think about food in general, so I'm considering this a bit of a learning period anyway.

That all being said, I weighed 214.75 this morning, so I lost half a pound this week. Any loss is good, so water weight issues aside, I'll take it! (Plus, I love knowing that my scale is weighing heavy - I take comfort in the fact that my true weight is more like 211.75. :)

I also, of course had that bad day on Wednesday, where I ate just about everything in sight. But what's done is done.

So like I said, I've been reading through some more of that book I told you about yesterday. The author encourages you to get more in touch with your body and what it is craving/needing. I'm paying more attention to what I'm eating and why, which is a great thing. I'd love to get to a point someday where I'm giving my body what it is telling me it needs, instead of just eating mindlessly. It just takes some work to figure out how to understand my body and what it's telling me, versus what my emotions/mind are telling me to do.

I'm enjoying the book so far, I really am.

This afternoon I have my first ever mammogram - wish me luck!

Why I Eat...Usually Isn't Hunger!

2010-01-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment - just my annual pap smear, no big deal. I also had a couple other issues to discuss with her, though, and oh yeah - I turned 40, so it turned out she had a couple of surprises in store for me, too.

We talked about a lot of things, and I was examined in various ways, and she asked me lots of questions about how my health has been, and about my family health history (I swear she was shocked by how much my mom had wrong with her - the woman had everything, just about). She told me I need to start exercising, to help avoid both heart disease (mom had it) and diabetes (mom had it). I knew both of those things, and I swear, I really will start exercising, once my arms are feeling better (long story short, I pulled or pinched or tore something in my right elbow in December when picking up a box, and it's still bothering me - the doctor said I probably had a pinched nerve, and I need to ice it and take Ibuprofen to reduce swelling; as for my left arm, my shoulder and neck have been very tight and sore, but I'm exercising them and doing what I can to loosen it back up). Then she asked me how often I go to the dentist, and I had to admit it had been a couple of years (I've been putting off going because I need crowns and can't afford them). Then she asked me if I flossed, and I said no.

Did you know gum disease can lead to heart disease somehow? You do now. I swear I'm going to start flossing, too.

So I got poked and prodded and have to go get my very first mammogram on Friday and have to go back next Thursday morning to have fasting bloodwork taken, and she'll talk to me about the results of the bloodwork when I see her in February for my cyst removal. Here's hoping the numbers aren't bad.

And here's where my day fell apart, food wise. I left this very thorough exam feeling rather...violated...I guess. (I had a rectal exam, people, AND a pap smear and breast exam - this woman had contact with every personal, private area I possess!) So what did I do when I left the doctor's office? I drove straight to McDonald's and got a cheeseburger (ketchup only) and small fry for lunch. Then, because I hadn't used my lunch money that work gives me for lunch, I used it to buy two diet sodas for this weekend, and TWO CANDY BARS. Then I came back to work and proceeded to eat both of them.

And that wasn't the end of it, oh no. I went home and ate my barbecued chicken breast and rice for dinner, with a glass of 2% lactose free milk (the one good thing I ate all afternoon). And I followed it up with a 100 calorie pack of yogurt covered pretzels, a small box of yogurt covered raisins and two pieces of cheese, eaten with crackers.

Oh yes, I did manage to go about 1,000 calories over my daily limit, simply because I was feeling "violated" and like I needed some comfort.

And that makes this next part all the more necessary and fitting. I had a book waiting at the library for me, and I went in last night and picked it up, and started reading it. What book was it?

"Breaking Free from Emotional Eating," by Geneen Roth.

I read a little bit last night, and so far I've agreed with everything I've read. For instance, when was the last time you ate because you were actually hungry? For me, it had been a while. I eat out of habit - it's 10:00, must be time for a mid-morning snack! It's 11:30, must be time for lunch! Am I hungry? Who knows, but I have to eat!

Well, she tells you to stop and think about it. She talks about a sliding scale of hunger - 1 to 10, with one being you're about to eat someone's arm you're so hungry, and 10 being you're stuffed. She encourages you to stop eating and wait to see how long it takes you to get hungry.

For the record, I waited this morning. I wasn't hungry at all when I got here at 8:00 - by the time I went to lunch my hunger level was at about a four, I'd say. I was very hungry, and very happy to go to lunch, but I wasn't starving to death.

So now I'm trying to think about why I'm eating (such as, habit, or because of some want or emotion I don't know how to take care of without food). And I'm looking forward to reading more of this book.

Oh, and another neat result of this doctor's visit! Jim had been telling me he thought the bathroom scale (a doctor's scale that my mom bought in the 80s) was weighing heavy, so yesterday I tested it out. I weighed myself when I was all dressed and ready to go to work, minus my shoes. I weighed 217.25 (three pounds more than I weighed naked). When I got to the doctor's office, I stepped on the scale wearing the same thing, with a full bladder (I knew I was going to have to pee in a cup, so I didn't go before I left work to head to the doctor's office), and I weighed 214.24. So apparently our scale DOES weigh a bit heavy!

Which is a good thing, because now I weigh less than I thought! Yay! But we need to adjust the scale so that it's right again. I'm not sure what this is going to do to my monthly weight figures. I think I'll just use the numbers it's giving me right now, and when we get the scale adjusted, I'll make a note and adjust them. (Adjusting the scale seems pretty easy. I'm going to see if Jim will bring a few of his weights up from the basement, so we can put them on the scale knowing how much they weigh (say, 200 pounds or maybe 150), and adjust the little screw on the scale until it reads what it should read.)

Okay, novel of an entry written. Bye all!

Weigh-In

2010-01-15T05:30:00.001-08:00

Today is weigh-in day! I'm going to talk about last night first, though.

So, I was alone again last night - Jim was at work. I wanted to snack so bad! I had my salmon for dinner, but I didn't feel like making the potatoes (which is truly a sign of my laziness about cooking when Jim isn't home, because they're instant potatoes - making them really couldn't be much easier), so I had a glass of milk, a small box of yogurt raisins, a 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips and a granola bar for dinner. Weird, yes? :D Oh well, it worked.

When I was done with all of that, I of course wasn't hungry, and yet I wanted to snack! I was home alone, snacking is what I've always done in that situation. I eventually gave in a little, but only by eating five strawberry Mini Wheats, so it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I haven't done the math, but that's not many calories over my upper limit. And then I stopped and just watched TV and relaxed until bedtime, snacking jones gone. Thankfully.

And then this morning I got up and weighed in, and the scale told me I had lost 2.5 pounds since I started trying again on the 5th! Woo! I am now 215.5. I was very happy to see a loss.

I'm shooting for losing two pounds a week, so here's hoping 213.5 shows on that scale a week from today. :)

1550 Calories in My Wednesday

2010-01-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

I told you I do better on nights when Jim is home with me. Last night when I got home I made some eggs and toast for dinner, and had 150 calories left when I was done, so later on I had a 100 calorie pack and 3/4 of a piece of cheese, and ended up at exactly 1550. Now obviously, I didn't really need to make sure I hit the upper limit of my range, but I was hungry, so I did. But then I stopped eating, so woo! Go me!

Jim is going to be at work tonight, so here's hoping I can build on that one good day by being good tonight when I'm alone with the dogs. I took a salmon filet out of the freezer this morning, which I'll have with some potatoes, so dinner is set. We don't have much snacky stuff in the house, so I should be okay. I'll let you know. :)

One Day at a Time

2010-01-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this morning about the various things I inherited from my mother (I have no idea now why I was thinking this). I got her hands and feet. I got her youthful appearance - people are usually shocked when they hear my age, and when Mom died at 62, she would have passed for 10 years younger than that, easily. And of course I inherited her tendency to be overweight - although I got a different body shape than she did. She gained in her upper body (mostly belly) and had nice, thin legs. I gain in my lower body first, and only gain in my upper body when the lower half is at maximum capacity. But however the weight is distributed, it's there, and since my dad was very thin, I have to think that the weight came from her.

Of course, even if genes are a factor, the fact that I actually gained the weight I'm genetically predispositioned for is my own damn fault. I'm the one who decided that food was the best way to deal with my emotions - good or bad. I'm the one who decided that when I was too insecure and broken to deal with a relationship, that the best way to avoid being in one was to get too fat for any guy to want me. I'm the one who developed a love of sweet things.

I wasn't always this way. I was a normal weight child - I even have picture proof of that right here on my hard drive! See, here I am somewhere around the age of 10:

An old friend scanned those in and sent them to me on Facebook not too long ago. But see what they show? An average sized kid, one you'd never call fat. So what happened?

I started gaining weight in high school, but not much - I still wore a size 7 all the way through, which I wouldn't really call heavy now. I thought I was huge, though. When I started working, more weight came on. When I got to 165 pounds, I joined Nutri System and lost 40 pounds. I eventually gained back a bit of that, but I stayed between 140 and 150 for a few years.

Then I went back to school, and Mom had her first stroke. My weight crept up. Mom got sicker, I was seriously stressed - the weight crept up even further. I finished school and got an office job. Mom got sicker. The weight crept up. Mom died. My weight went up over 200 pounds for the first time in my life.

And really, what it all amounts to, is that I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I've been on a diet or thinking about going on a diet ever since I was a teenager - and I'm now 40! Why can't food just be something I eat to live? Why does it have to be my go to way of dealing with everything in my life?

Of course I have no answers to these questions. It's just the way it is. And here I am, 218 pounds as of Monday, January 5th, and struggling once again to make myself behave and start dropping the weight again.

I have to take this struggle one day at a time. I haven't been doing very well on my eating for the last week and a half. I've been PMSing and sad and lonely, and eating to cope, even though I know the food won't really help me. But today is a new day. I've had my peanut butter toast for breakfast. I'm drinking my water. J will be home tonight, so hopefully we'll have a healthy dinner and I won't snack afterwards.

And tomorrow I'll get back up, and I'll face another day. I'll try to get through without eating too much, and without going completely overboard if I do eat something I shouldn't. And I'll do that the next day, and the next, and the next. I've just started, and it'll be a long journey, but I want desperately to get to my goal, so I'm going to keep plodding along. One day at a time.

Not Going To Fail!

2010-01-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't weigh in yesterday - what was I thinking, promising to weigh in on Mondays? That's never going to happen. Mondays are the worst possible days to weigh in, for various reasons. I've changed it to Fridays.

I hope I'll have some positive news to report on Friday, but if I don't get my act together, it's not going to happen. I went over my calorie limit almost every day last week. Not by a lot - I'd go over 200 or 300 calories and figure it was still way better than I had been doing, so it was okay. But there is one problem with that attitude - those extra calories add up day to day! And they result in the scale not really going down so much as sitting still.

Yesterday I was determined that I was going to do much better, and in fact I did! Until after I got home, anyway. I ate well at work, and had enough food planned for my time at home alone (J was at work) that I thought I should be okay. But no, I went rather crazy and ended up probably a good 1,000 calories over. D'oh! I blame hormones for some of that (women will know what I mean), but mostly I'm just weak as hell and can't have any tempting food in the house AT ALL. Sigh.

Today was going to be different. I was going to have the same game plan for the workday, and then I was going to be good at home, if only because the food that tempted me yesterday is now gone (Hershey's chocolate Santas, for the record). And then I went to lunch, and they were having a food show at work, so people could sample different foods and rate them - to help my work decide what foods to order and put on the regular menu. I had my plain turkey sandwich like I had planned, and then I had a cheese stick, a mini burger, a fried dough stick and bites of pizza and egg rolls (neither of which was very good, so I stopped at a bite). I am now at almost 1,000 calories - and I only get 1250-1550 for the entire day.

What are the odds of me staying in my limit today? Sigh.

No, I can do it. I can! I'll have cereal for dinner, and a glass of milk, and that will be that. I'll chew gum all night if I have to, to keep my mouth busy.

I WILL get this eating thing back under control. 2010 is still my year! I won't give up.